THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 216, 14 August 1909, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's ;>age? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy 's rage defy ? We know %w things well. ! Punctuality is the thief of time. Courage is the lamp of adversity.; ■* ■ « There is no counterfeiting genius. • * • They call it the "scareship" now. 1 * ■ ■ • »■ ■ Few maxims are true m all regards. » • • ' Liberty is incompatible with weakness.. When we are not natural what liars we are ? > • • a * The early worm does not always catch the bird. The conquest of the proud is always the most pleasant. V * • Bold enterprises are wrecked through timidity m executing * them. « • « When a thought is : the worse for wear, we turn it as we do a garment. • * • Good resolutions are simply an attempt to interfere with natural, laws. • ■ • * The conviction of the mind does not always carry with it that of the heart. • • • When we summon thought it flees, and when we would drive it away it besets us. A girl either loves a man because she wants to, or because her family do not want her to. • ♦ • In order to know if. a thought m new, you have but to put it m the simplest possible language. Nothing is easier for men m high places than to appropriate the knowledge of other people. • v m The| man who owns a 1 gramaphone is a dead cert, to leave a bad record behind him when he: snuffs out. m » m When a girl bids you go, go quickly, and it's ten to one she will grab you' before you get off the doormat. ». • * There are two classes of us— those who command by right ,of wealth, and those who serve by necessity of poverty. ' • • • According to divorce records the worst dangers and pitfalls of matrimony all have yellow hair and run a typewriter. • • • The first thing a man invariably does when he arrives home is to tell a thumping lie. The second thing — to tell another. • • » A woman's glory is supposed to be her hair. Strike me up a staghorn— not m the morning, when it is done up m papers, though.'" • » • A motor car ran slap bang into the window of a tobacconist's shop m Cubastreet last week. The car is now laid up suffering from fag. ■« m m Brilliant extract from a blood and thunder novel just out :— "With one foot on the prostrate body of the robber, he beckoned with" the other for assistance." Ha ! Ha < It has come at last. Chicago is responsible for a new form of marriage certificate. It has a divorce coupon attached to it. l«'aith, this is a handy age ! • • a Woman's love for man is graven on a rock. Her respect for him is traced m sand, 'and her. faith m him written m water — that is after she has been married to him four or five years, anyhow. • • m Any fool can take unto himself a wife, but it takes a Mormon to marry his pet ballet girl, his housekeeper, also his cook. It's an ideal combination, so long as they all can be kept m check— and tucker. DISILLUSIONED. Her rotund form, divinely shaped, My ardent fancy took ; Upon that dream or beauty draped, I cast a loving look. Those rounded curves of arm and waist Just set my brain a whirl ; But that was ere I knew I'd chased A horsehair-padded girl.

Oppression invariably breeds conquerors. a a ■ Clearness is the bona fides oi philosophers. We endure few injuries out oi sheer goodness. Those who despise mankind " are not great men. a a a Solitude is to the mind what dieting is to the body. Our maladies hold m suspense our virtues and our vices. Avarice is is the last and the most absolute of our passions. ■ * * Football ? A leather boot against a leather ball, and a host of athletes going hell-for-leather. a'■ ♦ ■ A pug. is a great fellow at striking a foe, but you can't beat a woman for striking a bargain. A girl of eighteen excites love ; a girl of twenty-six in-cites it ; and at thirtyfive she invites it.w » a a A football full-back should be forgiven if he turns out a boozer. The captain always places him so close to the bar, you know. ■ a m If m the world there were but two — Just you and I and I and you ; And you were sure that no one knew — Would you ? a a * We hear .a lot about blackmailing, but when a white man married a wealthy Hindoo woman there is no cackle about her whitemaling. 1 Pine feathers make fine birds, but it Is generally the wealthy old rooster who provides the ensnaring "down" for some pretty little duck. Nature has bestowed upon man various talents. Some are born to invent, some to adorn. But the gilder attracts more eyes than the architect. • * • A versifier regards no one as a competent judge of his writings. If you do not make verses, you lack the necessary knowledge ; and if you do, you ars a rival. Some small witnesses (schoolboys): were awarded expenses of Gd each by Beak Riddell at the Court on Monday lastWhat a chance for Joe Ward's Government to raise a Joan I « a a ANSWERED. "Tell me, where is fancy bred ?" I asked the roaring breakers ; A voice behind me gently said, "V-..M1 it at the baket - s |"

One can't foe to carelul m the choice of his enemies. v • « I No one is so intellectual as never to jbe wearisome. ' We know best the things which we, have not learned. a * • To speak equally well of every one is petty and bad policy. A short time of bliss often spells a long period oi repentance. a ' a m Reputation that has been wrongfully won gives place to contempt. « » • Man's virtue would get little exercise if it were not for weak women. Man's virtue would get little exercise if it were not for weak women. .'* * * Courtship is a sort of flying trapeze which only matrimony can steady down. It is through want of penetration that we find so many things irreconcilable. • a * Will somebody kindly invent a drink which will stimulate, exhilarate, but not obfuscate ? • « • A woman who sports the finest featners is always quickest ,to catch the eye of the male rooster. a a a Modern morality consists m thinking certain other people staying m the same hotel as you are at the seaside arc not lawfully married. Two young men were fined £4 at Taihape for slushing two Chows and !Sergearit fieattie, the cop man. "Critic" reckons some people get a lot of fun for their money. »• a «r Y.W.C.A. VERSION. Little Miss Mullitt Sat at a bullet, Eating a "boa bon sucre" ; A bold, bad man spied her, And edged up beside her, But .she properly frowned him away. An upholsterer named Frederick Davies, who is m business on his own account m Wanganui, will receive a shock presently when he learns the result of falling into arrears for his old father's keep m Christcliurcli. There is an order of the court that he should pay 2s Gd a week towards the support of his'baldheaded dad, but he allowed it to run into arrears to the extent ol £2 7s (id. Father Davies told Magistrate Haselucn that he was getting the old age pension of 10s per week and was supposed to receive half-a-dollar weekly from another son, but hadn't done so for some weeks. The Magistrate sentenced Frederick, who is a bachelor, to seven days' imprisonment.

A irit far-fetched— Assisted immigrants, , Marriage Is a state of mutual surveillance. ■•. • * With a girl neter take "don't" for an answer. i •'• . » i .Economy of gas frequently means profligacy of kisses. *'• ' • Idle people are always wanting 1 to be doing something. ; No woman can become thoroughly bad without* the aid of a man. ■ The hatred of the wealc is riot so dangerous as their friendship. Booze is the springboard which quickest bounces women to destruction.^ We have not enough self-esteem to despise the contempt of others. There is no insult one does not pardon when one has avenged ones-self. • • • One is not always as unjust towards ones- enemies as towards one's friends. They say there is no love like the old love. It depends upon how old she is —eh? Of what avail are the best counsels, seeing that we so rarely learn from our own experience. ' * ■■••..»'■ A man might he the head of the house; but nine times out of ten a woman is the tongue of it. A bore is a chap who persists m tallcing about his wonderful kid when you are just bursting to yap about your own. Aeroplaning can hardly be dubbed a profitable game, seeing that those interested must eventually come down m the world. The man who believes anything just bet cause he v 'read it m the papers" is almost as imbecilic as the fellow who be^ lieves nothing except it soothes his prejudices and agrees with his own limited mental appetite. » ■ • "Critic" heard this the other day, "Why does Tommy .Burns wear a soft felt hat ?" . Answer, "Because he hates a black hard hitter." "Critic" is slowly recovering, but the man who perpetrated the noxious thing is dead, .* ■ To mention the name "Penates" at a certain club of genial souls who occasionally "back 'em" is to bring down curses and lamentations. The boys did their bit on Penates the other day and— well ! they have lost it. ! 'Critic" hands them condolences and advises them to stick to Alfred's tips m future. » » k THE GREAT MAOMOIAdSI, The man of independent mind "Is king of men," sang Burns ; But times ha.ye changed, as change $hey will, ' And Fortune's wheel takes turns j He rules to-day who has the "beans," The man of independent means.; Hypocrisy and sniffling cant Are never known to fail, While honest worth, with poverty, Finds refuge m the gaol ; For poverty's the only crime In this enlightened modern time. Despite the cry of the oppressed, The rich or titled noodle May lie, or smoodge, his way to heaven, If he possess the "boodle" ; His sins be scarlet, yet he'll pass, Provided that he holds the brass. Kings trembled when John Hampden spoke (Kings, "Tabby Cats," and "Towsers") ; To-day, the man who speaks his mind, Is octracised by wowsers — By snuffling, sanctimonious knaves, Who deem that working men are slaves. ». • ■ THE MODERN POET. I can understand what Byron wrote, (That is, m sundry places), And Shakespeare, too— l hope you'll note, I know their classic faces. I know about those noble knights, Who fought for gore or n.elf, And lovely maids and luckless wights (I'm one of them myself). But the modern poet's got me beat, With his great, dark, grim obsession (I've searched, but no one m our street Has one m his possession). Why can't he write about something nice That's good to eat or drink t '■ Say Oysters and the Beer, what price ? '■ 'Twould just suit me, I thinks. And if he won't write about a thing, Why I'll do it myself— just here; ■ So listen, and the "song I'll sing ; Of the Oysters and the Beer. \ Oh ! the bottled ale, and bread ami ' cheese, And the oysters on the plate ; j Who don't like this is hard to please— A feed, quite up-to-date." j Oh ! 'tis grand and great, tho 1 a trifle | absurd, j To see tlno.se oysters— grin j (I would certainly use a longer word, j I3ut I couldn't lit it m). ! Oli ! the oysters' beards arc waving strong ; As if they would say, "Hallo ! ; What arc you dreaming of, taking so long To stow us away below '!" j So I guzzle the lot, and wish jt was more, Then finish the cheese and bread, j And empty the ale — inside my jaw, i And toddle away to bed. j Now I reckon that's poetry, and what j The people can understand ; And better far than tommy rot About those "Obsessions 'tfrattd..' 1