THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 177, 7 November 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave. Ufa Critic's yage? Or note unmoved his mention m tli o Critic's page? .Parado hi? error m the.public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage dofv ? Half-heart has no -tart.' •■'■».. - * • • Females favor the "bold." }~ ■..■'• ■ • ' ■ -1 • . • Shares make the money go. , « . * * Unkind cuts— Tough steaks. ■ •f W * Regular crawlers— Centipedes. Stationary— The poli.ce force. •' * ; * i The cut direct— The upper-cut. ■ * ♦ .• High proceedings— The aeronaut's. » * • There's no mule like an old fool. * * #-'■■• A confirmed trunkard— The elephant. * * -..■*'{ When there's an ass there's - a bray. *■ » ." Handle the hose, hut mind the corns. * • ♦ A crusty couple— The crab and the crayfish. \ The still tongue ensureth the sound eye. * '• ♦ * . The In? of luxury-r-The cat at the cream. . • . * * It's a bad coat that does not bear popping. A lock that requires a lot of pickingWedlock. ■m' * * A. man is always put out when lie's taken m. .'■"•. * .'. . * With an asthma patient. -the road to well is wheezy. ; \ ■•"■•• ■ ■ ' ♦ The higher classes are the lore classes, the lower the hire. ' ' v . * •.'.'• If labor is pleasure, many of us take our pleasures sadly. It's' the' woman- wearing a fur cap who has got a soft thing on. i ■m ' ■ v * ' ' -~- , The parent's life is the child's copybook. It is oftfn badly blotted. ■. : .■ „» -" •■ ■ ; > •.- ■ It's the stair-case maker who lakes more steps than anybody '.else 'to keep m work. -;,• * • ' ■ * •' . . In the beginning a rib became a worn- j an. -. To-day it's .ribbons that' become a woman. . ■ * * ' * ■ , Three degrees for gamblers — Positive,, bet.; comparative, better ; superlative, better not. . •• » * Policemen and politicians resemble each other somewhat m their ease-making and cabinet-making. - *. * ■ i ' * A dishonest milkman resembles Pharabh's daughter m this, that they both secured a profit from water . • • *! . - * Talk .about a mere straw as an indicator of the direction m which the wind blows. What price a .locselv-fitting straw hat ? * * v Even the wises i; perpetrate sufficient mistakes to keep them humble. Where- j fore ne\er despair on account of your i own errors of judgment. Mr William Holden Watt, of New Soutli WaOes, has left £200,000. These 'ligures show that the deceased was "ho.den watt" a lot of us would like' to hoUl. * * * A plain cook was advertised for on Saturday. The situation should soon be filled, however, seeing that nearlyv all cooks are plain cooks, • while good-flooKing cooks are as few and far between as bristles on a bald-headed man. * * * Each one of us can learn something from our neighbors, bleats forth a Christian print sheet. "Critic", has learned a score of different swear words from his of late, owing to the fowl, dog and cat plague of Suburbia. * • .•> The thousands ol householders who have to go without cabbages, cauliflowers, etc., nowadays, owing to vegetables being so dear, should take comfort from the "net that every .cauliflower is a hot-bed for microbes, and that Mother LJve herself, although she was hard put for clobber, wouldn't take on a cabbage leaf at any price.. ........

Entree-iiewrr-A fresh -feed. ',< '■ •;' ■'■ x '.*'; . : ■.■■.>■• . ' Fine feathers make plucked birds. ...» ' . •• . , • Gives the "pip.—Th e motor car.; , ■'■ ■■ ■ -.m :V ■'.»'• • . m Good swears make quick- bullocks. • • • ■*■•*-■ Only the shallow" know v themselves. . •' •'•' .'*,."'* Industry is the root of Sll ugliness. ■ / •- -■•::.-■ . ! • Gone to the juice-f-The . cat .at the milk» * . ■• . . * . A contented man, is an unusual beast. What the dog sings— A Barcarolle. The sheep's song— Just a few baaSj, Give 'em the slip— The ; hangman. .».*■ - ■ . « Necessity knows no mother-in-law. Marine Parade—T he bottle-oh's round. Fools butt in' where bad 'men fear to' wed. .•■• . . * When the dam leaps out the blanky follows. ■■■/.■.. v •■ v • * . He that hopes for the best is apt to i get bested. . » . ■••■-•'.■'.» After dinner walk- a 'mile.; after supper talte a- pill. * * • A high-handed proceeding— Hanging put the washing. • . . . ••' •• ' As soon as women are purs, we are no longer theirs. - ' * ' ■.'•*•'•'• ' Questions are never indiscreet. Answers sometimes are. . ■. • • A clearance .sale — Paying out wagers over a yacht race. !■■■■' »' * ■: Memo, for wowsers— When "whine" is m, "Truth" is put. * .;.•.' • Huge vessel the Melbourne Cup. Three, horses are placed m it. * >• '. • .What is the difference betwean morality and mortality ?— A - "t." ' * * • Originality— Tho thing most clamored for and most : quarrelled over. If one tells the truth, one is sooner or later bound to be found out. i It's often the upset price at a land sale that knocks a man over. It's the youngster at school who Is "kep' m" that's the most !one-sum. *' * * The man who is original m- his neckties is -never original m anything else. * » ' * No. matter what we do, a certain class of people will always follow— posterity. * • . * Avoid arguments of any kind. ' They are always vulgar, and often convincing.- --■ ' . • • * There is a fatality about all good resolutions. - T'hsy are invariably made too soon. " . ' * » • "Critic" advises all spinsters to go to Ceylon. All the mcD there are "Smglehe's.j' 1 ■ . ' • *> * V.M.C.A. bloke (to his tart) ' "Do you like hymns, dear?" '"Oh, yes— with trousers on.", * • * The old believe everything ; ihe middleaged suspect everything ; ihe young know everything. I -** * m ' \ Kipling wrote — "The white lean's burden." Was he referring to his wife's relations ? ■*:■». it Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything excspt tl:e obvious. The only difference between form and ceremony is that you sit upon ' one and stand upon the other. * * ♦ .- . The man who deliberately palms off spurious coin 'wants change, and, -by -the hokey lie should get' it. The first duty m life is to ]:e as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has yet discovered. Some auctioneers advertise that ihe land is well laid out. After the purchase the buyer often finds that 'tis he who is laid out. * * * The man who seeks to know cne subject thoroughly, must have the cjurage ito be ignorant of many others tha-t ntj tract him. ■ American papers /are now hugely puffing a new discovery, a cure lor blindness. Why not try matrimony ; if marriage does not open a- parson's" eyes then nothing will. f m * The real joy of leisure is known' only to those who have contracted tho ha!: it of work without becoming enslaved to the vice cf overwork. * • * Reported that a Chinese gardener of San Francisco has produced an onion absolutely devoid of smell. .This Chow should have a statue all to his own cheek, "New ladies 2s llidi" This is a notice to be found .m "a Willis-street win- ' dow. It refers, however, to umbrellas, ;' and not to a startling reduction m fe- [ male politicia&s. '

' Regular wasters — Jockeys., • ■ ■ ■ • ..'#■.. ■■'•'' Set a hea to Tiatch a hen.; *■• • • . Good winners need no lush. Every prude has her price. •A call to arms— Mind the !)aby. l >** . ■ • Art is long, but tart is fleeting, . ■ .•'*■••'' • • • -"Dope" deferred maketh the ChowJiick* ' * * . • • The fire of love is an uninsurable risk^ - -•■ »•••■-- » ■ ;■» ' A judicious confession, disarms suspicion. , ' . . * ■: ■'■ • ■ • To have preyed well is to have "done" well. ' • • • Who wears tight boots must apt fear corns.. ♦ * .* . • It's hard to get two bangs on the same boko. ' " ' * • « The actor's role is truly his , daily bread. ' ' • .' » * Poets are born. So, unfortuuately are bores. • ■ ..•'•■• The bridge of a fiddle will support a long strain. * • • ■••.. ■ ■'"'' '. ■ Legacy duty— Attention to a rich old relative. .' , ' . *. ' • ' * A man of "sound"- sense is usually a silent one.. •• . * Bigamists' niotto-^Two weds are fcetr ter than one. ••■ • ■ A man .who will stick up for anybody— The bill-poster. •' • • Histories of the middle ages— The diaries of old maids. ' i■•. ". ' : . •' . ■ . Love makes the world go round. Money makes it play up. x** • * The spiritualist's motto is, "What's the odds so long as you're rappy ?" * » _ Though the stage, has "wings" and "'flies," nobody has yet accused it of being angelic. » • * Notwithstanding these cold nights, there's plenty of hot stuff knocKing round Wellington's Post Office. - A musician out of work can always find some, "cords" m a wood shed if "Ohopin" is a favorite with him. '■ • • ♦ .' The missing German balloon lias been found j but not the aeronauts. There's nothing m the German balloon, *•. . • Tfie male "omnes" at the thfatre are called "super," but the shemalcs, each and everyone \of 'em are ladlelike doncherno. * ' • • , « -j No . man can pursue a worthy object steadily and persistently with all the powers of his. mind and yet make" of his life a failure. •■■* * ■ • It is satisfactory to know m connection with the wreck of the Aeon that the bulk. of her mails are safe. The females are also t'uite well, thank yer. : ".' * ■ w At Port Darwin a nig. was recently arrested for attempting to drown his lubra._ Things are coming to a pretty pass when a man can't water his gin. "Do you know the value of. an oath?" a witness m a suburban court was asktd. ir VVell," he answered, thoughtfully, "A sovereign was what I received for coming here." * * V The latest game of the. Suffragettes m the Big Smoke is that of placarding tho House of Commons, and Cabinet Ministers' private residences, Nelson's Column, etc., with proclamations claiming the vote for wimmm — but there, wimmin were stickers ever. * * * There are still as good fish m the sea as ever were caught, and also some strange beasts unknown to piscatorial science. Fishing at Percy Island, a Melbourne lawyer, holidaying m the North, landed a miniature sea serpent Avith two tails. As it was nearly six feet long it couldn't have come out ol a bottle. • * • The Parliamentary jossers of Tasmania have decided to increase their own salaries on what they call "a sliding scale." It's a. great thing to have the fixing of your own salary at any time, and as far as the "sliding" is concerned, "Critic" would ask for nothing better than the great Salvarmy motto— "Upward ; ever Upward." ** . • The whole of the ghastly Russo-Japan-ese war was caused by a boodling timj ber syndicate, of which the Czar and his Ministers were members. So says Kuropatkin. The rogues wanted to exploit Manchuria and Korea. The prize, it they had been successful, was of mum-million magnitude. Once again ' "How long, O Lord, how long ?" * • * A Queensland shearer, appropriately named Jonah, has met with a fearful adventure. After knocking down his checjue, with snakes m his hair, he fell asleep. A horrible feeling of suffocation and constriction awoke him, and to his dismay he found from the neck down he was tightly clothed m a case-, of glistening armor. A huge carpet snake had swallowed him feet first, and had he slept a moment longer he would have been entirely engulphdd. Clutching his sueatli knife, he slit the reptile from end to end, | and the two halves of the snake have been preserved m rum.

..Farming : feat^Grdwing corns. •■ . » ■ * • » ■•.■■■. Belle of the Bawl— Clara Butt. True art is to conceal the tart.; »■■'» • ; Fees frighten more than physic. .;,*.. , ■ » Men propose. Why, God knows. ..--•• • ■ • Off their chump— Mutton chops.; ■''■■', .*■'■.■. * ' ' * . No man is a hero to his wash-lady,' • .;' * *' iVein expectations— Prospecting for gold, ......•/...' • • The keynote of good breeding— B natural... • ' '■.."• • •. An honest man's the rarest .work of God. Be slow m choosing, slower m chewing beer. ■ • • ■ .. * Pond of the water— Wellington milfcsellers. • • ' * Beauty Without' virtue is a rose without thorns. . .*' * • Wheels of fortune— Those on a millionaire's motor car. • • . • . . • » A girl can stand straight and still he bent on matrimony. • * * , Good breeding is the best security against bad manners. • ■ * « ; - Virtue is the best defence.;. Still, an alibi is easier to prove. ■• » « A pair of nippers— A couple of detectives. (P'raps, p'raps not.) * \_ * * The. right man ip, the right place— A husband at home m the evening. " . • * » Success m life depends more largely on character than on possession of talent or genius.-. '. ■ * • "• ■ The motto of the journalist is certain-' ly not the one that says, "No news is good news." * • » '■ . * ' * It's a wonder all the powder some girls put on their faces doesn't cause them to go'oE with a bang ! * • * Be careful that vain perplexities about the future do not cause you to relax your grasp upoa the present. * • >■ ■ » It's not fair to expect our swagger society folk to contribute to the church plate. They've got their motor cars to think of. * • ' • Nothing is more admirable than true modesty ; nothing more contemptible than the false. The one is the guardian of virtue ; the other its betrayer. In a wheat field the light-heads are the highest, and well-filled ones -hang , down their heads modestly. It's just the same out of a wheat field. Norway railway authorities have ukased that when a husband and wile are travelling together, the latter need only pay halt fare. No concession is made for a "spare" wife or two. * » » ; ' Adelaide daily papers the other morn- : ing reported the finding of t*he dead body of an infant, and casually mentioned that the police were busily engaged searching for the mother. Why not for the father ? . * • • How's this for an Agony Column titbit ? — "Can I do nothing to get you reconsider. Is all hope lost and old times to be no more. Broken-hearted ; farewell." In contravention of the Gaming Act we offer to lay six to four on that if this bloke's a man he'll * 'drown himself, and. if "he" isn't, she sorter. * * , !* ■ Perth is the place for ihe 'patent pill vendor, ,or ought to be. Four hundred! State school girls are entering |upon a great cooking competition at the Royal show there this month. Now, what are 7 , the possibilities and probabilities m the way of indigestion and gastric troubles generally when the giddy creatures circulate their pastry ? * .• » THE WRITING ON THE WALL. Fired apparently by the example set m the British House of Commons by Victor Grayson, some 200 of the unemployed, led by a young man. named Laidler, made an onslaught upon Federal Parliament House, with the intention of rushing the public galleries. They jeered and hooted with cries of "Why don't you give us some work ?" "Some of us are almost starving," and "We have been tricked by you members of Parliament." Do you s£e it, oh ! my brothers, Like a black and threatening pall ? 'Tis the pressage of the writing, Of the" writing on the wall. "Give us work, ye mouthing tricksters, Give us work and bread for all, . 'Ere ye wake to black to-morrow's," Says the writing on the wall. "Ye have made a mock of Labor, And been faithless .to her sons, But a sterner time is coming When WE'LL stand behind' the guns ; Shorn of all your brief importance, Shorn of graft, and greed, and gall, Ye must face a fiercer fire," Says the writing on the wall. "God's own country lies around us, God's owa bounty may 'oe yon— Ye have robbed us of our biruiright, By the thinps that ye nave sone Ye shall stand ashamed and naked, 'Reft of cant, and craft, and crawl, And ask pardon of the people," Says the writing on the wall. —Helen Blazes*