THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 170, 19 September 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

- Who can undaunted bravotjio Cvitic's rage? • Of.note'ratnovedhisKiopton intiieCv"itio'"sp»ge^ f atadii 1 .- .- " aVrpr iv tiic p a bii o eV o V [ fijifl Mdifocr Grilndy's rage defy V Do him now. \ yJ . ■'-„■ i The old dye young. j % * ■'..••'■• r All that's bitter is not beer. ' ' ' , • • ' . *. . "~ A stit:h m nine saves time.- , | • ' • ■ • ' • • . . f ' Ananias invented gas-meters.' X '■ ■ ■ . '■ * . .■■'■ ■ * • •■ ''-.*, • . ■ ■■ Every dog will have his bay.' j A patient waiter? A young .- Many "bargains" keep "a man poor. , | It js a long worm that has ; no turning. '•■■■■■■■'* ■ . .*,■■"' A fool and his money are soon spotted. Pugilism is often illustrated 'with cuts. * . * ' ■*''■■ Marry., m haste and divorce at' pleasure. '■*■•■ m ' m Military men usually make a mess of it.". ■;.;■• : ' . ! '*"*.■ " * * : Police Court evidence is often slopsided. *.• * f An ideal ''Hammer-let" ? The successful auctioneer. . ■'■'*■■.-.* - " ' .''Whom., the' Gods wish to destroy they ■ first send into politics. As a n;an gains experience lie learns how far people can* set m the dark. «"'w ■■■■'> . * . ; * An American sentiment : What a lovely day ; let's go out and bang a nigger. * • . v ,*■•.-.- * - ' Gx>ing to law is like jgoing to sea. Ycu want to book/ your return passage before you start; '""'»• !' : -■■■■•■ ■ • ' The majority of the Suffragettes can't run for a tram — yet they want to run for Parliament. • ' , ■ • ' * " - * _■ * A preventive against premature burial is to '-send supposed stiffs into the Legislative Council. * ' . • • ■ The mean man is the individual who, on a hot summer's day refused to buy his boy a cool .driuk, 'but gave him the shivers with a : ghost story. Mary had a little lamb, ' "With cucumber, you know, One day she danced above the grass, / The next she slept below. * * » Orange blossoms were, first used for bridal, wreaths by the Arabs. The orange branch'' bear's fruit and' flowers at the same time, and is, therefore, considered an emblem of \ prosperity. .* • •• That hoary old yarn, about the Bible, mother, and her soldier boy has turned up m a new place. General Beyers, enc of the Boer leaders, is ; the latest. It was the sa'rne old Bible, same old breast pocket, and brass clasps which deflected the bullets and saved his life. * * • One Captain George W. Johnston has roWed fcom St. Augustine, Florida, to Norfolk, Virginia, m a boat made of newspapers. ' Me hopes to proceed m his" strange craft tc New York. If lip at"-' tempted to sail m Port Nicholson m a I boat made out of "N.'£. Times," he'd b_e I sent to Porirua :for attempting. >jsuicidt»

. Do pugilists sttstain themselves on Biff tea?. 1. -.-'. '■ '-v *|j^ •:;'■,■■: •?■."■;■' * ••■ It does no* make a bill any smaller- to 1 file it. ■ -Y^;;:;/ 1 - V:=; :-.■-.•■; - ; : ■ . ■ *„.■■•'* ""**-*• * ' -.< All-sighers race,? The old maids after ■ a hubby. 7 '■"■• ' ' ' ■ * Vv . * * • Wimmin are. grievances ; they always : ' want re-dressing. *•'■•,■* ■ • : Rictotis. conduct is' tumulty a thing to ■-. 'be mixed up ''with. ■"' . " • 1•■ ■*.' .'*'*.'■. •■•'.'■•• * ■k' TEere is something- feft-nomihal about. '•►•Wellington' solicitors. • ' * '$' . *'- " ' * Often m snake \ ppisoning suck-'etn-staunches alter cases.,: Alter all •."Advance New. Zealand" is only • a pawnbroker's cry. * ' .'* • ■*. ■ ■•. ' ■ The charge^ of the Light Brigade was a j '. Bally-clever 'piece of business. , ". Alpine hats will soon be the fashion for J the ladies. -, Ali-piiic-in'g for them. ■*£.' / - / ." The expert criminal baffles the detectives by often kicking over the traces. , How is it that fistic champions so, rarely wear pug-garees found their cad- I 'ies ? -■■■'.■'.■ i . ■ Heaven forefendf us, against ihe man . who says he does "not "want tc do us any harm. . ■ * ' *••■-■* i A girl really doesn't make a fool of a man. She allows nature to take its--■course* ** ■ • When a email boy refuses a second helping of cake there's . something . wrong 'With it— or his tummy. 1 -Police Court witnesses who are repeats edly told to spea& the bare facts do not; always confaie themselves to, the na.ted .truth. . .■; * Vy, .» ■ . .• Of ho?" "who pelt the Chinamen, In • .• u>es let us , sing, V. . Why oli.ni.b- ihe playful -larrikin, For youth will have its fling. • * * . The lady letter writer invariably adds "a postscript," but wh?n it ' happc»s ' to. be a rfcyly. to_ a coiiwadging epistle si* is filing off, then its nota-bene, i.e., not-a-beaß. ■ , • • • BITING PA.'S LUG. The wife who wants a nice new shawl Approaches "hubby dear !" And generally makes a haul — - Mere cash, for her cashmere. • . * " ' . A country medical man recommends, those who wish to break the smoking * habit to Icee]} a mouthful' of. peppermints. The difficulty is to find, the man who lias tired of his pipe With money enough to ? purchase lollies by the case. \ • « ■•■■"' During the past season 2,680,143 eggs passed .through the Government grading stores at Auckland and Dunedin. The eg^s which, passed through the other 'ports were graded "by private firms. If preserved they "Wall too useful- shortly.; * ' ■ '■ " ■ When is a man drunk? Nearly every bobby and beak m the world has given the query up. But the : Magistrate at Stcekton (England) made, a bloomer recently. He fined John Doyle for being drunk, and John— a seafaring man — was found, at midnight on the top cf a spiru ! of a church. Fancy a "dniiik" climbing a church steeple at midnight ! John D. shc.uld have been rewarded— not. punched . -—for this performance.. ' .*■,.■■.*-' ■ There is considerable talk going on just now as to the probability of Burns and Johnson coming together. "You can't beat the ! 'magic circle" for blow. .However, it seems maifestiy uuf.ur that the white fellow should get £OOiJO and the nigger only £1000. Fair play is bonnie play, all the world over, but a divvy" of this description '"''makes it "plainly apparent that the ebon will get very little fair play," at least before he goes into the ring. Ellen FarL*ir.son, s of Christchurch, is an aged sinner, whose dishonored grey locks surmount a dial like a cancerous round of beef struck by lightning, and when she was charged "at the S.M. Court with , ■.loitering and importuning and with being, ,a. common prostitute, it was difficult to imagine anyone sinning with her. If immorality were entirely due to the temptation, Ellen would be a virtuous woman, but no one, Under fifteen beers, would think of tempting her. Slie supposed she would have to plead guilty, your Worships, although she -was doing nothing ■out of the way— only sitting down. She wasi doing no 'harm-, and it was her first toime m the '. C'oort tor that srort of thing., A mcntlv m deary's cosy corner was -prescribed, whereat iillen uttered a fervent, "Thank you ; I'll do it on me head." .

KeW Zealand "Church News" commends to local parsons the Bishop of London's advice to eul (.irate a "sanctified inventiveness." This isn't a new sort of an- , imal or a foreign drink, but a resource- , ful state illustrated by a London society which has hit upon an expedient for making boys go to, church. Each Jrid is furnished with a stamp alburn and every time the juvenile enters the sacretl building he 'is givc^a stamp correspc nfling with a space m the album, iri this way the stamp 'collecting vice is i:1 ilised and he attends with eagerneis, and heaven becomes pictured m bis imagination as a gigantic stamp of rare character. A branch cf the Society has been opened jn South Australia, where a set of stamps and album may be landed at sevenpence each. Sevenpence per soul is a fajrly cheap line m heavenly goods, and if old Nick were to start an opposition at. the rate of eightpence'a dozen there would be sonic spiritual competition, which is gsn'^al'ly-'Wcou'^lsgi^u.-fiß-.-ttoß soul of trade* 1 '"' ~ ■*"""-•-*■ ■• •

One likes to lite hammoclcablv m summer*./. -.-.. -, v , : ' ■ , * ."' ■ * ' \ ' * Octogenarians- are • geaerall^ oxygeiiar■ians. ;| ; . . ,' " , ■•••-. .: / . , ,-:, The Yankee's weighed, farwell,- remember me. 1 ' • , ■ • ■ ; ,'■■ V ■ a' ; Some ballet mistresses go in 'for hoperratic work. a.a. . a ' •■ -Woman values her hair because it's fo much platiaiun;'" •' '••"• •'':'.' : ::.. >:.$ ' ■ ,* -- ■_, ' • Even the comic picture-show is a some* what series affair. "' ■■ • ;; Sbng of the latest, pugilist '"'encounter! V'For Auld Lang Sighin'." •■ ■ ■ ■*','* There's a smoker m x evcry home, even though it's only si. chimney. ; .' ■ '•' !•-. ."-*■'' • : The man doesn't turn up to the evening 'meal isj the ' absentee. ■;'.*.." " ! > ■ '.a Some men save enbugh m their lives to buy themselves a 'tombstone. a i '" ' ■» ' • ■ '■ Pressmen, type-snatch'ers, and the like, have their business at their finger-tips. ; ' '.\r - i '•-■.--.■ Tell-apathy V The " way m which traps give evidence m "favor", of an accused person. '..';■' • ■ * " y ' THe man who thinks he has always a joke at his .finger-ends, often' has but a whitlow. » a ' a The only consolation; a man receives' for his bald head is when he enters' a "barber's shop on a busy morning antt 'knows 'his hair dpesr.'t' want, cutting. • * a . Many, a man who accuses a woman ofi being unable to pass' a draper's windowwithout, looking m forgets that; he cannot pass an hotel without dropping m. Stars and Stripes are . being solcl, a* a 3 boj) a flag m Auckland. Why not form. v a ring and make sheets pf them? Who '« wouldn't be born under the Tars 1 and-] Swipes.. ■' " ' t ~ . ■ Among the veterans vWhOi received free passes over the railways to Auckland dur-; .ing Fleet week was one 95 years cf a/>e, who claims to "ne the only surviving member ' of the first China war. ' ' ■ a * * One industry m China is the production of a subtle perfume from waterlilies that costs- £1 15s a. ' drop. "Critic's" best girl is going to be presented with a cniart bottle of -it — perhaps ! a . a ~. ■ The H«,u Haus pah at Te-Ngutu-o-te-Manu, the attempt upon which led to the famous battle, was never stormed. When : the . natives bad ' been harassed so long that they were starved into submission ,it was occupied without opposition. ' Agonising assertion m the Otago ' 'Daily Times" :— • -. . ■ . *\ I, JANET RUSSELL (late Janet Rae), and I, DAVID RAE, of Nichol-son-street, South, Dunedin, wish to Notify the General and Sporting Public that we are NO RELATIONS' 'WHATEVER to Robert James Carey,vbetter or well .known as James Rae,* jockey and trainer, of. Wingatui, Dun-, edih. :' • Now it's up to James Carey, or Rae, to violently repudiate the pair. * * * An ossifer of the' gawdam 'Merican Fleet is said to have fallen head-over-■heels m love with a Smelbourne alleged sassiety titter at first sight, and has n eveii gone so far as to "ask pa.'. 7 The dad says that the sailor bloke can writs, and, all well, at the end of -13 'months, if he comes back, he can have the darter. The Star-Spangled Bann-ber; Ooray ! The pity is that every man m the Fleet, black, yellow, and white, did\ not dc ditto repeato with the hnppahrsuckle titters of Melbourne. There^are too many of those giddy, gushing tarts kicking around unhitched, and even a black cook would lend some color to the family. V * * ' •« The Americans have discovered a new use for monarchs. The "British Monarch" is toying to catch up to the fleet with a cargo of coal from Newport News, Virginia. Must burn American coal, you know, even though its ' price, and carriage half way around the glo].\e, makes' it prohibitive lo all but wealthy Gcvern- . ments ; an& though the volumes of sooty smoke it creates enshrouds the ocean m a pall of gloom. Honestly, the U.S. War Department was afraid that a strike, of miners would leave the battleships anchored helplessly while the cablegrammers chuckled with ' glee at the messup of the mighty. ; «• ■ * m T^hc yellow alien can never speak English' when he is up against the law for . some offence or other. A Christchurch ■Mpngol named Quong Chang left his pumpkin cart unattended for twenty ! minutes m Tuam-strect, and ' was spoken to by a copper, to whom he expressed sorrow and pleaded for another chance. "Me no do Mm again,!' he said. Later, ■When charged at the S".M. Court,' it was found that,* he had deliberately let down his hideous pig-tail to give the impression that he was fccSh from China, and assumed an inscrutable expression when questioned. He affected to be ignorant of everything said to him, and JSergeaDt Johnston remarked that these Celestials were wont to take m everything said m their hearing,, anil then utter, "No savee" when spoken to. There were Jay Pees on the Bench, and if appeared to them that the yellow agony .didn't '-understand. An adjournment was suggested till the the following Wednesday, w! i en v the alien woulh have- to bear thp cost of an interpreter. Then, for the 'first time, Quong Sham betrayed anxiety. "Wen'sday ?" be asked, in '.'perturbation. "Yes," they replied, and the Chow departed with a worried look. Perhaps he thought the case was going to be dismissed owing to his child-Uke fnnocence and the astound-)-ina* 1 sympathy of some people for the guileful • and slum-living Chow. Perhaps he had aftother engagement on Wen'sday,

Time is money any ■ time but hard times., ' '■■ ■ *•..-.'"■' * >• • . Morality • seldom' finds a- Home m - \s«ciety. ■■...-■• ..••',■- ..- L ■' . ■ ■ '. .'• •'.■*. ■ •• • ■ . *'■ ' \ - The sell-fish' man is the oae with! : tKobaskeV ■,■.-.■ ..-.'■■• • * • .Presentations are of lea but a tsCste-b'-money., . :.-.. .- .. „v a . . ■ • . ■ a • '# - ' Waxworks modellers carry on the sama mould game. i V,' . '•■•' -• ■* .-'■•' '- The invention of the life-preserver was a knobby idea. . . : .There is no cream^in-all instinct about city. and. suburban milkmen. « • . « ■' ,; An old maid may be year S- on the shelf and tiien be noneitbo dusty. ... • *■ ■ • '. It takes two to make a quarrel, and ■ usually Hhe other one is handy. ' :'• '' W '' ' * ■ It is often a vial insinuation to say'j that a man has poisoned himself. •«'... o '' o ' Drink is a habit that fits many men* as though they were measured) for it. . Weeds never choke orange 1 blossoms, i Any young widow, is aware of that fact, j . * ' '*. * ' The rush for wealth is, disheartening,, especially to those, who are left at the Post.; • .. * ■ . Rude ' city and suburban "■ youngsters';; have christened the night service bloke 1 ' ■"Peter" Pan. I . Eltham, just at present, is complaining of the scarcity pi J'b.P." Why/ it's: a blessing in' disguise. Here' m windy" ; IVcllington the trouble is t9 dodge 'em. • '. ■«..■.' m .'■ A new definition; of ? 'djg.ak f f com,es from) 1 \Vestralia. According to oa»' ioiliyltlua^;! a man is not drunk till he goesto thgi! water tap to light his pjpe. We always 'ih'card- a man %vas ijight w-hen he put Uhe candle to bed and blew himself out.; w ' .■•'.■.-, ■'-. - *'■' ■ ' ;. . ■"''■• '' Addressing the Canadian Medical As- ' sociation, Dr. ' Hastings, of' TorontoV, ■made the following remaxkable state- _• 'ment :— "lf the truth was known,'!' said tbJe doctor,' "15,000 children 1 of thei^ '30,000 who. died m; Canada aiimially' ihight justly have the epitaph 'Poisoned .'by impure milk,' placed' on their\grave- ; stones." ' And what about NeW\ Zealand's infantile mortality? - '•'■-. a.» . « A. three-year-old son of Mr C. Stevens, of Woodville. according to ;the iner,!' the other day ate several sticks. Of gelignite— a quantity sufficient to lift; a large house. An emetic was given the ; child by Its mother, and- a ddoctorsr r s sef^i' vices were requisitioned.' ■Fortunately*' the lad is now out of danger. 'When "Well." •he ought to be blown up by his parents.;; , The dynamite might have done it instead.' ; - '„ .';;■ ■•' , • ' ' *■■•.' * •' ■ • • ; ' Quite a . large number of -Europeans' attended the funeral of Tommy : A.h Joe .at Cromwell (says the -'Argus 1 '), and. 1 the ceremonies at the = grave, as\ carried ;out by the Chinese would rather .aston--1 ish those not accustomed to the Chinese!- --: funeral rites. During the burial ther clothes of the deceased were bilrned; and? 'fodff placed round the grave, and thd'? ;Earopeans were . treated to a glass 6f ;% "spirits, and were also presented with' t-^o pennies. Chows don't die frequently"' 'enbugh. Their burials bughjb to proved very popular m No-Rcense districts. " - - ■ : V • ' « ' a BURNS AND SQUIRES.' I.—SOMEWHAT PESSIMISTIC.Tiic vrcorld a measley pittance gives Its writers, preachers, scholars; But, m the Ring, one little fight, / G-etk many ! thousand dollars. In thirteen rounds, three thousand i pounds Burns won right off the ree1...;,; ■. '..,..,; In thirteen years scores of Snakespeares Could not . make ; l such a .dealv ! ... The hero no^iv flies 'to, the sky, - • ■ Or knocks down to the ground ;.,• ■• The man who steers the airship, high, _ Or has the strength to pound. ii.— More optimistic. The press, the Church, they both standby The winning fighting man; ;, ' '^ ■• The -thronging crowds with loud outcryy Are one with Saint V'aughanV; Fcr Priest and Pugilist appear . In many a public page, And Lenten preachers join the cheer With foresight shrewd and sage. - As well they know that real sport i Is relished now and then, By c'en the wisest and best v sort "'. ' ;! Of good and godly men. And what is more, and to the point, They know that men who fight . • With good, plain train'd and- honest , joint,. Are men you dare not slight. ~ • ' You Kaiser's boasting of "mailed fists"Are frothy, fuming fools; • We envy not their slavish lists,' " Taught m their duelling schools.' - : ■''■'■■■. Leave pistols, daggers,- and broadswords To tyrants 'and --their ■ crew ; .... , : The deadly weapons of War Lords Are not for freemen true. Settle your quarrels, if you can, Without a fight at all ; But, if you can't, then be a man, And fight, until you fall. . : But, fight like men, and not like fiends, Don't murder m a fight ; Nothing can ever make amends ' For dealing death m spite. Boys, learn from champions true and brave, SqiiireS, Burns, have given you . show How you, your- honor true may save Without a mtThlerous blow.s • ' i-.-'Z,"-