THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 168, 5 September 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who. can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? OrnQtetmmovedMsmentionintheOritic'ep&ge?Parade hid error In the public eye ?' V » A.nd Mother Qrundy'j? rage ctofv? . ' ■•■-.." • ••*■'.:;- ■ . . ■ — - i - i - Girls will be boys. r'<lr^:\: * ' *■■ ■'■■.■.■■■■ ; AH that titters is not bold.-; ! • i .•:.■■' ' -.■' *'*. ' '•'■■'■ ■ l.Misiry_.. has: made many a man: : ';'■'. •..■•■ *' ".. ' '■'■ ■. *■.' ••■ . ■■"'.'"' ■I Leisure is the parent of charm. 'I' '•■-. .■■-' ';*■. .'..-■;. .-■ ■■■•' ■ '■. . . V : : ' ,' Whea there's a hill there's no pay. -•■■■■ -'a m. '■-.". -■ •.''♦.■.■'• ■'.-.,■. • -^ : Laughter is often the froth of tears. ■ "Silejnce : is often mistaken for tact. • " ■' • ■ . '*„'•■ , : ' Fat and greasy , go iar In a weign. p.- '„...♦ '..../••' . *'•■;' Marry to taste ; repejit at' pleasure. i ■ • ■ " • ; ' "' f, . If you want to talk big say "elephant.". As^Lhe fee calls, so does the barrister li*. - : - • .-,.-. , .■■■-. ■'■■ ■ Better, a rosf for .the living than a wreath for the dead, ■./ ■ vv> : - > '•■ .- *;-■■■ ■ •, •.-. . • •;• ■ .: • Love is the great amulet which makes, the world a garden. ■.•■ • ' " • A certain cure for a born thief Is to hang him when he's youngr' 1 '..■#■■ ■ *' * Many people find fault with their clerksbut some of them are all write. .* • » yThat \ many people term a man's luck is m reality but the reward of his hard work. ■•• ■ - The man who is said to have gone to the: bad usually has a very pleasant time getting there. ■•.'.* "■ Many girls when told they are simply perfect forget that they, are perfectly simple to believe such a tale. x ■-•■.>■■■*■ There is a good deal of similarity between a pugilist- and a cold. Nose blows are the principal items, m both cases. ..•■ ' ''• ■• * ■ * ■ The men who are loudest m declaring that life is worthless are those who cling to it, suffer tor it, work for it and scheme for it the most. s A .patriot and a religious fanatic, are much alike m thei* views. One : cares for nothing but his country, while the f other cares for nothing but his sect. • :• *■'.■.• EttiraZ Surendranath Arya has got five -years, m Madras, for seditious speeches. He will now realise that it is al,,waji;s safe jto Arya opinions too freely^

Foadle^lusionis ? LoywnaWng/ ■ *- ' ■■■"■■•■;&/;■ ■>"-■■■/ ■>■■...■. : ' /Why not I 'call theta Bpw-wowsers .? Pimps toe TSlbWedi Noah had a nar"!^ The engine-driver stands on Valve-It^ , ,'■■*. . nV- ■■■■•/;■■;; ■; \ ' , m " . "; The wowsers are a meet-piety push. : '•■;. ," : '•■'•'' "':. v :!■ V* ''' ■" ' ' ••■■'" '■■ Humor dr'the poiicej colitt ?. "To $it.'. : , Bigamist 1 ( One^Whose Benedicted to it., ■•• The $ong *of the tiles ?•• Tabby or not: tabby. ■ v ' '•■ •" '■■::. .:. :.. ' -V: - : ;: > : -v->>. ;.* ...... : You. can't ;■> $11: a grille, purse biting a .Jew's ear..'.;-" ; :^'-- •" " ■'. .' '< '■■' ".' ''■■ •' : -• '* ■"•.■ •■'■•■ • '■■ • ':'.. '.'* ■- ."■ ■ ■ , All men are liars ; all. married men haye to. be. 1 / ' .V : . • -"•■'. • : • ... . ■ Holdfast is k a good dog ; stand from •.turner, still . ■ ? r ;'.■:'• ■••■'- v *-; " ' ' When thieyes. fall oiit j honest men get their jury summons. ' ■•• ■■■.'■■"" ■ ; v : :- ■'••^ : - ;: B^^.:v:w- 1 ' - /. . The guardian pi, Eatin?, The boss cook m the hash foundry., ' ■■ • «'. ;,■;>■; {■:■*■.■'' v : • •When Poverty: enters the door, Love backs out of the shiiedy. ' ■ ' • ' ■ ' f •■■"■' •:•..'• The 'police i. do v&pt' draw the color line —they go lot.' every' nicker. Woman was an after thoiight. And frequently she' is;an afterrnat^. ' '"■'■ * ■ .■■•.-'. ••' ■ '■' : -- • You can't buy-a pug m a poke.^ -you've got to wait for ;.a Knockout: r , ■ ••■'■ ■, * :....";; '-me ■ ■>■■>?: •■ ■ Pav.ors are /often granted m the hope [that they \yill"be returned , -with interesti. r ■ '. ' * , ' ," : r -..:V-. ■",* -- ..:;'!'• '.. ■ .' i•" Many a bank,? clerk has r taken to the crooked way through following straight tips, '• ;, ■\.r-'.ly.-:S:'- ■■■■'- ''"■' ■/ ' ■'■' '■■ !' ' '" • ' • .'■'''" • ' • "Yes, yer Warship," to the Mayors and ; beaks now, all of whom consider • them- . ■ selves big guns. / """" "' ■'■• ■ . : . '. ;■ •"• ■ It does not follow, that there are- twin-screw boats that;-; double salary is \ paid the seamen.' ■ ( .- • . „.-' --iffy ;;-:■ Searchlights might, wi.th advantage, be used m our gardens and 'reserves, with a view of making ' canoodling couples get a hustle on. •'•■■■, , " . Of all the blasted, rot that ever appeared iji a newspaper, that m a Sydney daily paper m ,^'hich Missus Tommy Burns says that she was : M so sorry'? that "poor Squires didn't win," takes the icake. ... : „.' ; " ;' • Ira D. Sankey; the Yankee evangelist, has gone under .the daisies, hispard,' Moody, having some little time ago turn* ed up -his little (or big) tootsie-wootr sier.' Botii gone op or down. Muddy and Sank— eh? *' ' - - \- : <f ■ N .* ■;■ '■■■■• * 'if'" * '■ ■ It may be ,. taken for granted, says, an authority, that 'the majority " of those ' who are admitted -to ther^ranks are not to be compared > physically to the men who won Waterloo "for us, or to those 1 who, later m the ; century, stormed the heights of Alma. •" . . ■.'■• . ' * ' ■(:'/ •'">■.' ■ y ." ! . * The Lpard jtempereth ; tiae wind for the shorn lamb. An, Anglican cleric ' who died . recently, v r had a /Victorian ..estate worth £40,u00" besides much boodle m the Old Dart.' . Yet he regularly "sent rpunti the collection-plate with -the injunction : "He who giveth iinto (me givotK unto : the Le-ord !'' '.« And the silly chumps, .gave., ' ; ■ \ "Burns wdri the, fight by a fluke," said a \ loquacious holiday-maker outsi.de a Willis-street pubbery^ }Vhen the crowd of sports had- rushed lip to contradict and explain in' turn how the fight went, from their view, tbe loquacious one pulled his cap down over his forehead, and sneaked .out of ; the crowd. "I only' wanted to start' a barney," he told another, "and football's dead altogether." . ■'•." ■ ••'. •■' * "''■'.■'''■■;.. *, ■ .--'■■ " ' /♦No good 'to G.undy" is a common expression. A' jtemperance fanatic many years ago lectured at (Jundy, a little township eleven miles from Scone, Mew South Wales. ' The cold-tea was going to shut iip- every hotel m the land. '.' What !" yelled the. audience m united voice, ''shut up O.ur pub,.' 1 ; "Precisely, 1 ' replied the ranter. "Be hanged," chorused the crbwd,' "that's '.no. good to Gun,dy." Thus was created a new phrase and Gundy was as good as its word, for it still keeps its little juice-shop jogging.

Sensible .by-Jaw enacted recently by. Christchurch City Council :— "Street musicians and vocalists, when requested by any householder : or his servant or agent to abstain Or desist from playing or singing within the hearing of persons on the premises of sjuch householder, shall compjy with such - request, and shall not play or sing within hearing .of persons on such premises within twenty-four hours from receiving such raqtues^t." Probably the Council, which seems to be aiming at making the city gloomy and dismal by restricting Sunday, concerts and harrassing the theatres^ with vexatious regulations, Moesn'tltnpw that the new by-law is loaded. The. Christmas Eve carol will be destroyed thereby, the Hatnry will be moved on till all eternity by gratified householders, and the strange bands of religionists who sing the praise of -the Deity like swaims of bees m the opec air will be liable to ; prosecution. Probably the unregenerate 'street singer, the .barrelorgan man, • and. tne cheerful lunatic who assembles m large numbers to tieerfully serenade his friends at 11,45 p.m., "were ;aimed at by "the by-law, which may prove like the Aus.tra.lian boomerang that refturneth and smitetti the unskilful th.ro.W;' 1 er or, the proboscis. "" "' ''"""

We have too many hangers-on— on the trams..' ■ " : ' ' ';. : . v . ' .; ••-■... :' Wellington Harbor seems to be taking; >rt^hazjTj''"-; : .". ■'"■ ' '. ■■-' ... ;; ; ■-■'. ;.' '.' ' ■■''■■ ' ' '.*. ..-. ■■-. ' '*-.. '' •■'.'-■/•■ , ■ The ieg-paller is not a pull-light iadivldual. • , ' ■'>.' ■ ', * "',.-■ •■ -.•'•,_ The foundryman should have the eaitJng_ vpte. : .;^ ■;"' ■ ; v ,' v^_- :_\ :,'■: . .:...-■:'..> •Yerpwe; ' boys ! ye»owe !, - Wew Zea-. ilana^S'tefrailni ;.;■•,-' ■':'•■ - ■•: '•"-'- ■*■?■■" , .- : •■•.- ' • * ■■■"'■■ . * >. . . ■■ ■ ' ■* ' ' ' ■ , W.e fight our battles o'er again.- There's 1 plenty of Wime-hefe. ' • \" '■■■•<' ..'■,' •'• - '"■■ - • '• ' '■. •' ' •' ' . We" don't encourage cadets, because we do not like 'infant-try..' . 'v " "."' \ i'; ■,» '--.: , * : - ? '-. ■ v •■■..■-.■ A pawh-dress . proceeding ?, Raising, the pri a trousseau. ' \ '■ ■ • { •■' ■"•* ' ■'"!■♦ '.' '. ' ' : The concurring hero 1 The joker Who ■ agrees with everything. ■:';:■*'/'■■ • - • ■ ' The If^ife is never to be believed .when she is not in-her-nest.' v * ... * * The watch thief oft regains his liberty on a take-nicklo pb'jection. . . '■'■•"' ' ♦ • , It isn't always the big man who makes the. most discord m a choir., ; ' . • ' •;''•. ' ■ « • Aerial artistes be blowed, the bobby is the real .trap-ease performer. . '. •. • i . • ■ . : It's the^cricSeter, the butcher, and such like, who giyei the' cut > direct. * ■ ' ' * .* -The man who has always only one suit pf clobber is always m dyer distress. • ;'■■■', ■•? ; i "Any port m a storm," as ( the ythief said, wliacking all the valuables into* an old 'Gladstone bag. * • ■ ■.*;-.''■'* ' ♦ When ships go so many knots no won-, der pur merchandise marine is m a hopeless tangle, ' a ; v '.■'■•■' ."■.'' ■"■.'• • ••.'•■■■■ Those' who went to see Burns square that, little account, i.e., settle' a Bill, mostly did not go m plug hats and boxers. . • • ■ ■ ■ ' • . . ■' The mails m the Empire City are now being' delivered over the counter, <oy females, and "Critic" thinks the females will be rushed by the males who want obliging m. mail matters. ♦ ■ ■» . * While diplomacy tries 1 to create an unprecedented system of defensive guarantees, the Continental situation, m the judgment of ' every competent observer of it, becpihes more,, and v not less, precarious. • .''"' ■':'.. *. •, ■■'*'■ •..'.■'..' "Ou't^door Pastimes'.' is. the manned m which a G-ore paper heads its account of the ; Burns-Squires scrap.- 'Anyhow, such a heading has: a tendency to. degrade boxing. It is placing it on the. same level as those brutal games of bpwis, tennis, etc. « . '. : v' ; •'.•'.■ ••'■■.' - . . • Wowsers are sending up dingo howls concerning the "brutality?! of th« BurnsSquires and Lang fights. They emitted sycophantic' sanctimonious, cheers" when hired assassins outraged ' Dutch women •on the- S' African veldt and > slaughtered sucking babes. •A' *■■■'■ ■•'••■ ■' ■" '■'■ . It's been left to Sydney's shpddy society to cover itself witai disgrace by stealing the Yanlries Admiral's silver spoons when invited to the flagship to .an at home. It /is pretty clear how !rom which rank the sneak thief and shb'iHifter are recruited.

Despite all the admonitions to perfect obedience, which haye for decades been carefully instilled into the feminine mind, it; is an undoubted fact that this is an age not of obedient wives, but of obedient: husbands— some through love, some through fear, some through a desire for peace. ,

Chinese mongrels are apparently allowed to flaut "The Lord's Day" m VVairoa at their own sweet will, as, on Sunday' last two of the Asiatic scum were doing a, thriving trade at . midday ministering to the wants of a number of natives. What has" iMihisteu Jimmy Carroll to say to this ?

The glorious privilege of living under the breezy folds of the British flag" ensures perfect laws and ]ust always— tor the landlord. It is a land of freedom, but, the landlord has his rent. in advance; and he had first claim on the stock when the tenant finds himself unable to pay the doubled rent,.

At- the Hamilton St. Andrew's TE.M.C.A., Mr G. V. Hooper- read a paper on "What is Truth?" The question appears to have been discussed at considerable length, which siiows lamentably ignorance on • the part of the Hamilton Christian young men. "Truth" is the name of a play now being staged m Australia by Mr J". C. Williamson. It .is needless to state that " ; Truth" is the name of the popular paper conducted by Mr John Norton, and is procurable m returni for the humble thrummet, from all respectable news agents.

When a woman is m distress she places a high value on masculine sympathy. In the Melbourne Criminal Court the other day the twenty-year-old girl who married a little Chinaman named Ah Sue and then went through a bigamous ceremony with a European, when released from the dock, was followed into the corridor by her Celestial spouse. He could not speak English very well, but he clasped her hand lovingly whilst his almond eyes were as full of pathos as a faithful dog's. She clung to the yellow ' paw -With, a lingering spooniriess, -and rewarded the owner With a smile full of appro l dative 'gratitude. ''She is me wifey," cried the little Dhow, and was as proud of tine piece of frail femininity as.it she had been the .Queen of England,!

' Every suicide is an awful p&eai of sorV :Wrtjri; v .s' : ;,;.-vf..^-;; : • •■■••■.■ .•■:. =-. '■":':.■ : .'"'.■■' -*■• -•- ■'-'■'• *'. . ■• -•• •.Superstition begins where knowledge is exhausted.. ' ■'■ ••'■ •''■' ?■•.'"'■•' ' • A daugshter's duty to provide; (Ma yexttf a son-in-law^ .;'.' ■ I ■■ 'V ■■'. ;' •"■' .■■■■■•' '. ■ • ' r If ,<we ■don't all gtet oa ii^ the world, all of uSjiget on m years. , ..-•■'■ -^ • "A man who makes -ducks and drakes or his ■ money generally makes an. "ass of .himself;),,. : •■ r . ' ' '.' • • • . '. : T^ere is a portion of humanity which < nevfer \gtpps to thiiik, while) antrtbiet; ffchinks tiotaing but evil. ' ' , ' ' ' iiedged Pasha, Turkish Muiister for War,- is dead. The Sultan ' considers it a redged nuisance |iist at 1 this ; luncttire.,' '".■■' '': \ ♦■* .' „" ■ •■' I*".'' '■ ''• ■ : Why .will women allow men to conlinae to insult their intelligence by paying them, insincere' and empty • cbmplimen.ts ? - ■'"■-'• • : ' . •'■. ' ' ■"•.'.'/ • ' .«. •' ; Wellington girls should remember tha,t the most becoming of teats cannot look its best over a face that refuses to smile. According to W: W- Collins, John.,Wesley^ believed m witchcraft. Taxed with the r weakness, Wesley '■ remarked that it he rejected witchcraft he must reject the Bible,. . ...■■ •' '•'■■.■•'..■.* ♦ ' -. Judge Ooyne, ypf New York, says that the recently-passed Anti-Racing Bill is unconstitutional and unworkable. Coin always had a big say m turf matters, all the world over. • ,■,-.'•• • ' \ • . » „It's\ simply . astonishing haw wimmin rush the seats m the smoking, carriages m the tram cars, Shed probably monopolise the. whole blooming tram 'out she ; hasn't any tpiback'her. *. THE OTHER FLEiS'IY \ ; The padgers -fleet m .every street, ■'■''. That-, is, the corner buggers, . : In grand array, now day ,by day, ; Gonsist of "tugs" and "lug-gers A " .■■;•'. "■• -.' * ■• ■ ■ ■ •■ ' '■ Many a parent's - boarding school days were vividly brought back when butter reached two shillings a pound, and the well-remembered instructions 'to .spread, it thinly was hear<l round the family board. : *. ' • *. / * Monarchy have funny ways of compli-, menting one another. The Tsar has made King Edward an Admiral m the Russian Navy, which would : be about equalled by electing a financier director of a busted bank. : V.- ' :..* "'. ••■ A country newspaper editor was asked whether it paid to advertise. . "Yes," replied he. 'Look at Mr Smith. OLast week he advertised for a boy, and .the day following the issue of the paper his wife presented him with two— twins.'' 1 Queer things happen m the land Where the boosed Fleet came from". Mrs E. Flossie" -Eldridge, of Reading (Pa.) -has filed a statement of claim against Miss A. Lulu Ganger, ex-school teacher, to recover 30, 000. dollars for alleged alienation of her husband's afiections. The wife says she pleaded with" the hussy to stop her at* tentions to hubby., who is a prominentbusiness man, and left the missus' without, means of support. The penalty of marriage is impressea upon newly-wed couples m Uncle SanVs country. ; Fred Hoffman induced 'Alice - Welsh to say she would be his'n m thp Evangelical Church, Pittsburg, recently, and the joyful Couple left the fane to tbe ■ strains .of the Wedding March, only to find waiting , for them m the passage a concourse of w.p'men bearing forty-six babies of all colors and howling with the ; persistence of five thousand amorous cats at midnight on the iron-covered roof. It is suspected that a pin was inserted m each infant at the psychological moment, and the honey-mooners, were- given a taste of the domestic harmony Time held m store for them.

On Sunday night W. W. Collins, of Chr istchjurch, gave' his Rationalist hearers a piece of. news made public for the iit3t time m New r Zealand. 'In view of its i importance and unusualiess W.W.C. was.! astonished that the cable person hadn't seen fit to wire it when it * took place. , It was to the fact that the municipality > of Rome, through its Council, which con-< trols educational matters, on July H' decided, by 57 votes to 3, to abolish re- ? ligious instruction m the: primary schools. Those who know Rome's pious history^ will marvel, although the circumstance ; that • a Jew and Freemason was elected . to the Eternal City's civic chair a few montlis back prepared many for the news that Modernism had crept into the elderly town that was not built m a tjay. The I latest development certainly brings the Pontiff's centre into line with colonial ideas, for the R.C.s south of the lino are' staunch opponents of Bible-reading m primary schools.

J. Jones, of 40 Cashel-street, Linwood, t : has written to this paper complaining a-?.; bout the weird and awful system oi valuation adopted by the local body. The Assessment Court is the proper 'place to make these complaints, but Jones says j he could get no satisfaction from that; tribunal, which is surprising iri view of ) the plan of sections sent to this office, j Jones is asked to pay on.,a valuation ol £275 per rood on each of two sections a» butting Cashel-Street, whilst a section almost adjoining is valued at £195 only, and sections a little distance away, near ; Albert-street, are assessed at £181. Sec-; tions "nearer the East Belt and 'conse-f quently closer to the centre of population ■■ are valued at £250 per rood only, andal- 1 . lotments " on the other side of the road at £220': Jones's two sections seem to have been specially selected lot 'burdensome va- * luation, and Jones, m the absence of ex-^ planation, naturally wants to know, Why? ' "Truth" also raises, itfe Voice aiid '.thvufders forth, Why/ 2 ' • •'