THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 165, 15 August 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Wlio can undaunted brRTo fee Critic's rage? Offnotauritoovijdhismea tioji m fife Critic's page? Ptivade bisorrdr Sft the pviTjilc 6ye ? ftaa .Mother Gtttrrdy 's 1-age defy V />. ' . ■ — —r "•. / • yags are stubborn things. "■■'■• "■ . •.•■'■ '.''V ; ■ j The laundryman takes affront. 1 .... Ceiling whacks? Lamp explosions. *-■..■,* /• Some barmaids have a. sort-o '-sigh-fun. . a ■ * . » . Door-nobs ? , Bumptious blokes m livery. lb • * * Undertaker's motto— "Men-ded while you wait." ■.*■ * * Death gives a ciean receipt. Yes, spade m full. \ • * ». « Mozart ? The skill m growing a moustache ! •* • ' The actor-manager's todter is a com- * % pan> pro-motor. ■'..'. -.■'■* * * . The cry of the American Fleet ? Spar'my'days. courts are not lighted up with any caress-scene; • .'■'-. ■ A •regular try-and-elope ? The man copped for. wife desertion. <•'■'■• ' ... • ' " * . Few theatrical people act on the square —they prefer • a theatre. ;■ ■•'"'■■*■ ' . * '• " When people put their tootsies m it, it's a case of folly the leader. ( ' - ■ • . ' » „ * ■ - ■« " Sponsor : One who is supposed to hand over a monetary gift m return for .the honor. The wisest bird known ? The crow, because he never makes a noise without ;cause. .(caws). •-" « m There is no Sunday trading carried on m • prison, that -'is' there are no barred ! doors open as a rule. ■*. « • "Well, I'm jiggered," as the bicycle novice said as he gathered up the pieces, and the sand slid down his back. ■ . -• . •■ • •■■■■"■. , '...-*. ■•■■'■ . ' We lijtve some' actors m our, midst who Vgo bn' ? for Darts, but as to "playing 1 ' them, that's quite a different' story. . • '-■. -•-.".. . •>. The fasti ng freak, Succi, is now bott'e and pan carrier m a French, hospital. He says he couldn't grow fat on fasting. . «. * ■ ■ • Tommy Bums wtfi receive a great welcome it) ' Australia. Those sent "up agin; 1 him are likely to meet with a flourishing reception. • * *. The adage says, "Look after the pence, and the pounds, will look after themselves." Then why do' suburban councils employ poundkeepers ? j . '. "* • ' . ■ • We hate the fool for what he is, „ When through our senses seen, But almost love the record rogue For what he might have been. • ■ * • . '• There is to be an imperial press conference m London, to which leading New Zealand journalists are to be invited. Here's a chanc* for "the Microbe" and f'Hawcus." •. * « An English M.D. .has been arrested for marrying 11 women without any funerals between the frequent nuptials. The poor fellow was probably making experiments m the cause of science, but there is no-, thins so bigoted as .the I*^

Many family ?'jars"' contain anything but sWeetst 5 . • ' * ' * The present age ? That pf • the wellfed ill-bred. ; '. '■ "• '" : ' : " • ; .'."-- ■■ '';'"'' ,*'•':■■■<' . ; •'■■ '■»■■'"' ': Thouehitkb^Ch'o^as'siid to be ckicken* hearted.We is oM i^nfan-darin'. "'■ . : '^ y * - ''■ -*' : ' ,A"'^ ; '; •*. ' ,: The Yankee men-6'.-warsmen are, a multi-: looking lot' compared with .the" British; tars. • ■■■-'.■ .* . • * ! The liriuid m whidi a man tries tor "drown his sorrow was never yet Known !to be water., * . '■■*'♦ 1 Many people ,do just what(i.hey Want to, and then blame poor old Futo lot ! the consequence. ; «-. ••■'* A ■■ *■ ' * A woman will , declare there is noth--: ing too bad f&i s a man, and. straight, away, give herself to him. *■••■ ' ■ The man who'^ has the courage to tell a woman -he^ doesn't admire her gown is either /a fool ,or a heroi . ♦■ .-•■'-■ *'. ' ■ Considering, the prejudice m America against the ;nigger the number of nigs, ra . the Pacific^' Fleet is^ sutprising. ♦, ■ ', ■ '. ■ !», ■ George Curry tried to shoot a policeman last Week ; i& Sydnay. He only succeeded m making a hash of it. An Irishman shooting at Bisley last week 'made 10 consecutive bulls. And his name was not Boyle Roche, either. < ' ' * ' '■ , '• ■■....* •

A secret of the past is no longer considered a secret by many men when they wax confidential about their love aftairs. ) * ■- • "• " '' • *

As footprints m soft soil are tramped out m time, so are early impressions on the wax of ,the mind removed by education and environment. >

'■■ The Yankee- Fleet made a very imposing spectacle coming up .the Auckland harbor, but the tjlrips are not sp trim nor so business-looking &a the British vessels.

The Auckland Ferry Companies must h;vve reaped a fine harvest out of Fleet Week; s Some of ohe boats were making six and seven Srips a day and carrying up to 1200 people a xrip at 2s a time >!

Environment might have a great deal to do; with 'ou'r social being. When a man Rets round a gallon or two of beer it's the environment that's happy. The next morning the said environment swears oil till about ■ 11 o'clock.

Organised Labor is supporting Bryan, the Democratic candidate for the United States Presidency. If Bryan walks m, American madams of the plutocratic set will strike the White House off their visiting lists until Bryan also discards decent democracy for rich publicanism.

The groom who took Carbine to England has poisoned himself. Possibly the idolatrous Horsetralians 7 worship which used, to surround everyone attached to Carbine had dwindled with the passing of the years, and the groom consequently contracted a hard pain m his feelings.

By jing ! There is one place m the world where an editor, is some 'pumpkins," and that is Fiji. Anyhow, the editor of the "Fiji Times" is being presented with a testimonial, and when the mail left £278 ! had been subscribed. "Critic" is off for torrid Fiji m the morning. '

An 'American lady was [ watching the antics of some of the Yankee tars m Queen street during Fleet Week, i" What do you think of v your npuntrymen 1" asked an Auckland "friend. "Well, I'm ashamed of them," she said, "but you Aucklan'ders are not setting them a very good example," and she was right.

Auckland is not too well supplied with public urinals at any time, but with the Fleet Week crowd things were simply disgraceful. lc wiis no uncommon occurrence to see a dozen men lined up waiting their turn to get m. Considering the number of drunks that jwere floating round the state of these places m the morning was simply indescribable.

For all the conceited . animals m this world commend ithis paper to the man who i beats the big drum m a Salvation Army Band. A Highland piper isn't m it with him for peacock' pride. There is a fellow m Auckland who whacks the big drum for the Booth crowd when they parade the streets, who fairly, takes the cake. "Critic" doesn't know whn'.he is. but will gamble a bit that he ranks himself second only to tl*e Almighty, that is, if he doesn't claim equality.

EMeet Week saw the biggest crowd m Auckland ever seen m the Northern City, and accommodation was taxed to straining point. It is rather an unusual siglit to see the Commercial Room of a leading hotel containing 1G shake-downs, but that is how it was. Every commercial and sitting room m every hotel looked like an overcrowded hospital ward. When half the occupants came home drunk roaring for more drinks and looking for fight it was- just hell for the other half.

A Wanganui paper hears on good authority that a pair of financial experts are abroad m the village and are reaping a rich harvest at the, expense of a considerable number of youthful clients. The modus operandi o/ Uhese enterprising operators is, we believe, to maKte advances to impecunious young men, who have, so to speak, "run out" pending their next pay day, and to receive frrim them In return interest equivalent to anything up to 300 per cent. If such is the case the pair ought to b]e named for the ravenous Vultures that they are. Why isn't the paper game enough to name t!h© greedy usurers 3

The bigamist always deserves what lie gets.

Marriage after all is only a matter of convenience.. • ' j •

Never judge a man by.liisir^! nose. Itmignt besuriburiit. !

It's a misnomer to call some Wellington Hebes bar-'fmaids." . '. * \ * " *

So. far no Yankee Jack has expressed his opinion -on New .Zealand "tarts."'

'Never move when your Wife throws a pot or anything at you. If you do, she might hit ycrti.,

Astonishing the. number of people trho discovered urgent business m Christchnrch :!CrrandtNatiohal week,

Net6r trust a parson with, your silverware^ He might snare it and melt it .down and coin tray-bits out of it.

The "PeloruV Gu.ardian". the other day .apologised because its leadittg ar-ti6le"was held over. The apology was quite unnecessary.

It's a hard winter m Ohristchurch wlien the local jehu says, respectfully :— "Keb, sir, keb 1 Long way for little money." : . ■

According to Colvin, M.P., very few people drink m the district (Buller) that he representsr Drink, no A ; they simply wallow m it. ■

It's really surprising to note, m Wellington . just now the number of men who drawl through ! their snouts, The "'Flit" of course is responsible.

An elderly man whose name is unknown died suddenly at Tuapeka the other day, while digging a grave. Moral: Dbn't dig graves ; you might fit one yourself.

The exodus from Wellington .to, Auckland of the romantic slavey has toeeh very marked of late. Perhaps the lassos, will love a saflor and then— ; well, why talk of anything so unpleasant '?

The Rev. Mr Ponder, Waitahuna, has lately written to a southern- paper "warn- , ing people against giving donations to Art\ menian or. Chaldean collectors. !fhe parson cant stand any pence-poachers on his preserves. ,

A- last drink has been? taken of the brandy bottled ; 70 years ago at the coro-; nation of Queen Victoria. Its ' price was just. 10s a drjnk. Sad news for some, but there is a measure of consolation m the thought that one source of tempta- • tion has been removed. *. . * . ' ",\-' s The usher m the Christchurch Supreme Court has solved the; dirty microby Bible question^ The "Word" is now covered, with a washable celluloid and the experiment ought to" be followed m all New ■ Zealand courts. A»yhow, it is to-be hoped "the celluloid covering is washed daily. It might need it.

John Kinley, charged under the Habits ual Drunkards' Act at Christchurch, has had Gl previous convictions, although .he doesn't look it; m fact he has Guciven on the hops, and may be expected to fall away seriously m the Auckland Inebriates' Home, if he ' gets there. He was remanded till to-day to enable enquiries to be made for accommodation.

A gentleman burst joyously into a country newspaper office the . other day to 1 '- tell of the early approach of spring. He alleged that he 'had that morning heard the notes of tlie first skylark <df the season.' He was thanked for the information and he left, much gratified. So he ought to be. If \he'd rushed into "Critic's" sanctum, he might not have been so gratified.. He'd probably have been sorry.

Gisborne is a ratty place, according to a local paper.. The other day a young lady employed m a drapery establishment there hung her cloak m a passage-way, her lunch being m the, pocket. At midday she was disgusted to find that a ravenous rodent had eaten a hole clean through" the coat— which was a heavy and valuable one— also through a serviette, and had then devoured most of the lunch. It is stated that this experience is by no means a novel one, rats being extremely numerous m many of business premises. In the present instance the rat had to crawl , or jump \ two feet to get near the bottom of the lady's cloak. ,

For selling a packet of cigarettes after hours a Chinaman at the JNapiertr Court was fined Is and costs 7s. "John" explained that "time passey away, him didn't know." The Magistrate advised him to purchase a watch and make sure that it was reliable. If the Magistrate had inflicted a substantial penalty the heathen would soon. know. The leniency with which the Chow is treated by some magistrates is extraordinary. This sen* timent abo,ut the foreigner being ignorant should not)' enter Into the ; admhrijstran tion of the Law. If the maximum penalty was occasionally inflicted the Chow would soon become law-abiding.

At the Supreme Court m Dunedin one day last week a man who forged a certificate to get employment on the railway Was admitted to probation. Meanwhile Clempson, who is m poor circumstances, and has a wife and two infant children dependent upon him, is (says the Southland "Daily News,") completing a sentence of three months m the invercargill gaol for a precisely similar offence. "Critic" thought Clempson was to be released, and if the "Daily News" is correct some member ought to kick up a row m Parliament. Justice Denniston's savage sentence on the poor, ignorant young man will not be forgotten iri a hurry by the people m the south of New Zealand. Justice is generally tempered with, mercy, but Clempson got only- Justice*

;A sharp womaa is always a thorn Is /Some man's flesh.' '■■■;■ 8 . • ..- -■' • ■.. •; . ,■ The maid who goes too often to^ the park- is soon broken in^ ■ ' .. ' ' ■•■■ ' ■'" 'V ' \ .. . • . ( '. It takes a wise man nowadays to turn- ; ble'ito what his. •daugHter is up to. ■ ■ ■ ' ; *7 ■■'■;■ /*'■-■ •■• - ', J'The Rules of Hockey", and ('First Aia i to- this Injured" are now -published m one t j volume. Girls, why lead 'the strenuous" life? , '•'"■ ' ■ ♦- ■'.'■.* ■ •■■'' •■: An eminaat authority has just declared* m lecture that geese have been known to i ! live for one- hundred- years. After having j [MdVago at one last Sabbath day, "Cirilifcc" 'quite helieves the. eminent authority, I .quoted. ' j " / '*■■•' ■ • ■ f l /'Eggs haVe not* been too plentiful this j winter, though witti the advent of spnng 1 toosters are becoming active and restless. , These- birds ought to receive a reminder I [that , the elections' are approaching. The absence of hen-fruit at such a time would .te akin to a national calamity. i ■..; . ; « ■'%■• < '.* . | A native named Billy nearly lost his life recently by choking while at dinner at one of the Waipawa hotels. A doctor was summoned and saved the man's life; !by making an incision through, to the obstruction. Poor t)ago ! perhaps it Was .the feed of his lire. i * ■■;■■* '■ ■ ' According to a Temuka paper's account of a recent Tommjy Taylor tirade against the drink traffic, hel spoke of the "hopeful" influence strong drink had on the human race mentally and' physically and quoted medical and other authorities m support. Hullo ! has Tommy come to his senses at, last? ■*« * > ' f ' The total amount Jo be given the nine Jurors m the Braybrook (Victoria) railway disaster inquest for 38 'attendances will be £720, beiig two guineas a day each, instead of three guineas, as requested by the Coroner." How such an item ! as this must make the professional juror's mouth water. It's enough to make 'em pray for a smash-up on the Main Drunk. • .

r The unusual- spectacle qi a stand-up fight between two judges was witnessea at Chateauroua, m France, at the annual dinner of the members of the local. Bar. The senior judge present ordered them both under arrest at their hiomes, and ■£hey are to be dealt with ■by the Paris Bench ..of Judges ■• sitting as >'■$ .High Court. It's a hint for local sharks^ "next time there's a law banquet on hand. Ye gods, what a dinner it would be I

From an Auckland paper :— MATRIMONIAL.— Advertiser, working classy seeks Life Partner, Protestant ; bachelor, 35 to 48 ; must be steady and of temperate habits ; faithful and m confidence.— A.B., Post Oifice, Newtowh.

Poor old chap. Surely" with the visit of the Yanks, competition has not become so keen as all that !,

You . can't beat the parson when he's on the tray-trapping job. No one can straddle a rail so scientifically as he can. FrLhs'tance, at Waipawa t'other night one "Rev. G. Frost spoke on the ''Poor Rich and the Rich Poor," and no doubt the Rich Poor went away m the belief that after a»l the Rich Poor isn't m the hunt. "Critic" wouMn't mind being a poor rich man. He'ti get through the G-olslem Garte all right, and might pull a caimel through the eye of a needle also. ''• • * ■ ' •

-Wairarapa is not overburdened with Chinamen, bjut a local paper draws the* constable's attention to the fact that five of them persist m cycling o& ne footpath m preference to good roads, and. to add insult to injjury by vigorously ringing their beljs for pedestrians to move aside. If the mongrels were sent flying off their grid-irons and their various necks broken, there wou.ld not be much mourning o v et it. This is jusK an instance of the lawabiding Chow. If a white offender, why damn him, he'd be promptly summoned. .

The circumstance was authenticated at Timaru last week that a cat has tonly ona life after all— independent of the . theory of re-incarnation. It strayed on to the premises of Mrs Elizabeth Brebant and the lady shoo'd it away. The family dog took up the parable and chased the fel? 'me, which ascended a tree with the', agility of a money-lender (lying before the wrath of his victims. Stones were thrown at it to make it descend and Mrs Brabant personally poked itVith a clothes prop with the same object. It descended and fell a victim to the dog m the fifth round, when it was worried to death. The woman was charged m the local Court with, cruelty, and expressed astonishment ■ at the cat's early demise m view of its reputed span of nine existences. .: To cave m before a mere dog was beyond her pomprehension. Magistrate Wray attributed the incident to thoughtlessness, and imposed a fine of 20s and costs.

TO MY WHEEL. Bike, I'm longing much to ride you, I am keen to get astride yoju ; Now that Winter's come upon you, I've a longing to be on you. But I feel I'd like to take you Down a hillside that would shake you, Or along a valley steer you, Past rude rusticals who'd jeer you, Or down some wild by-lane thrust you, Though its flinty ruts shojuld bust you. Or through mud and moisture swim you If wet weather came to dim you. Better" still, I'd like to shoot you Down a steep incline, you beaut, you, Or along a smooth stretch fly you. Letting nothing else go by you. Or beside the river rest yon, Saving done the miles that test you ; Or beside a quaint inn "hedge you," While t went inside to pledge you. In effect, I'd like to use you, But the Fates just now refuse you To your master, "Oh, you siglit, you," You are m a shocking plight, you, Ere you're mounted, yes, I mean you— Somebody (ffill bavo to clean you. , >