THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 160, 11 July 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention intheCritic'B page? Parade hls:errorin"^h'e public eye? .' r , And Mother Gr undy 'a rage defy? ' ' The girl who hesitates is won ! .v.* ■ ' ■-•■. ■'* ■ . ■'•■■•■■ ■_.. : A sure way to tan skin is to peel m. the v sun. ; : . ' < ■ ! '■ • ■ ' •'.'■.* ' * . Let them all comb ! Say the bte farmers. . ■' ■"■■ y . ...?•■•- , „ , » * ■ * "I'll show you which is switch, 1 ' says the telephone girl. t \ Negroes never show a white • patch where the hair ought to grow. *** . I A man who falls off 9. roof is not ! necessarily an eavesdropper. , ; * . * . * ■ ' ; : A new version of an old song : ''Would you swear if 1 should leave you V Songs of the winter? '! 'Old King j Coal," and "High-colce-oh-lower-'«m.M * ■.-.♦'■ • * ; ;•' :■• A girl loves to have a man tell her he loves her so she can tell him he doesn't. * - * •■'■•'■'. i The nagging: housewife says this is scold weather, but she gives it to us ' hot. * . "/.■■.■ » ■ • ■■ . . ■ Deeds speak louder than words. Fre^ quently they raise a howl, and are writ^ ten m blood. It is but mete that Burns and Sciuires when next they meet 'should meet with a thumsing reception. \ '* * . • You may tip a waiter with impunity, but you must use discretion m the way you touch a waitress. ■ ■ • * ."•...'. Virtue is its own reward ; that's why so' many grab frantically at the gilt on the gingerbread of vice. . . Freetrade' Johnny Bull is going to have his newspaper made m Belgium. It's go^ ing to touch Bull on all his raw points, and after being printed on the Continent, will be shipped across to England akd published. '

,The motor world is a dust-bin of scamis^! ■■•... . :..'...., .;...- : ,-.,-'. •' -.-. •••-' To a girl courtship is capital : mar? riage, labor .! \ . ; i •■.'•'•' ■ • ■ ' • ': • ■ '. "'A short time of bliss of ten results m a long time of rpneiitaD.ee. ; ' : •■'■-''' ' * ' ' * ', •'..'• Th« Sal vernation 'Army, so called because it's after the trays. ' \ ' 'Fishing is done where water is plentiful, and } r et it seems dry work. > '■'■"; ■■'■ •, s ."■■• ■■ . ?- ■'■■'. - They say there is no lover like the old lpye--4)ut that depends 5 on hoyr old she Is.' '■',''-".." *'■' ' .- * ■'■#•■■ ■■■ ■•• 'Many a vpW that is sealed with a kisshas the ' seal broken r :i^' :> 'the Divorce Court. _ ' ' ■■'.• ' . * ■■ '■*.'■'...••', I The weather .of last week was cold : enough to freeze thfe collar ; off : a brass monkey ! ■ ' * • * • ■ VThe ballet girls; like elephants, are m d. bad way when' anything goes wrong ;Mth' their trunks !!' v : ' ■ JVlpney- makes the mare, gp— slow, \ at Tr6ritbam Park, as . the punters find : .when jfhey back a dead 'uh. ■ Si Football forwards are the most sweated crowd m Wellington at the present' ? tiniftr-and yet they never 'growl. Our tame cynic sums up. v the ■, subject of Conjugal ir.fidelity : '-flf' a man will not look after his young wife, 1 there is always somebody who will." • The duck that paddles m the one hole is 'reckoned dirty, but it'< is better for him, to paddle ir>, the place he knows than to chance being stung by a scorpion m a strange spot. , ■ . , . * ' v -. * ; : '-. ■ *.* ', A natty footpath nymph made the awful blunder of accosting a plain-clothes ; John near the Post Office t'other night. One never knows "who's" who" m thisworld of shocks and sorrows. ' ■•' 1 '■ '■ V •; ' * */ -.- An Englishwoman owes her life, to the fact that, When she was m her, coffin her husband observed that lier cheek was warm. This, of bourse, would be very noticeable, as most fyrovoen.' arte' notorious for Dtaeir "cool" cheek. ■■■ ' V . /♦" . * : •-'When I saY tnat he is a white .man, I mean v that he is white from the top pi his feet to the bottom of 'ihis head," said a wellrknowh Wellington resident TVhen paying tribute to the sterling qualities; of Musician Charles Parnell. . \ " ' , Dresden tram-cars have been fitted with, a contrivance that picks .up and safely carries human beings or anything run a- . gainst. Mr Richardson ought to- get a sample of the contrivance, although it must be admitted that . Wellington trams cause very' few -casualties compared with those m other cities. . ' ■■•■'••.■■,.«■ • ■ : A sailor tra veiling between Australasia and China* has darkly hinted' to ''Critic" that Chinese stowaways are often accidentally smothered, and, on discovery, in-^ formally pitched overboard from a certain company's boats. The expected was not forthcoming, -for V Critic." is forgetful ; consequently he heard no more. ; iSalid sharp little Miss Five-year-old to her mother, who was donning her best : l4 Mum, I know why you always wear that dress." "Dp you, darling?" inquired the delighted danie. . "Why ?" The male parent was present, and he looked daggers at little innocent when she delivered a-home^thriist by replying :' '"Because you've. only got that one/ . '■■'■_■ * /*•_■ ■•■.»... * The English , suffragettes now hire motor launches and harangue people . on the river banks and on balconies overlooking ;the river. Like the poster advertisement, they destroy peace everywhere, and a wise population might do worse than remember that, though a ripe egg has no effect on a poster picture's feelings, it' can considerably ruffle a suffragette. . ; ■'.' * ■ * • In the days gone by the lass we loved On ribbons and things wpdld dote, She'd spend her days m charipaing a man— . Now all she wants is a vote/ We used to call her Cissy or Lil, ' Or Mary or Moll, or Bet ; Those days are passed, she wants our pants, , And w,6 call her. a suffragette, o .- ♦" ■ . • Following on the example of a New .York man with a Jewish-soundine name, who has succeeded m obtaining through the Courts £1500 from a Christian, Scientist who guaranteed but did not cure him by -prayers, pther persons may see their' way to a profitable investment by, for a tim» professing a faith m Christian Science treatment. It takes all sorts of tricks to keep the lawyers busy. •• ' • •• * There are some unspeakable wretches m -the world. Some pf them placed a- bomb on a large passenger steamer navigating : a. river m Philadelphia just because their , services Were not engaged as wharWumpers m connection with this particular boat. Eight passengers were killed, 40 stunned, and the injured ship filled, and shortly sank. Ha*ving heard the glad tidings, the wharf-lumpers went home, beat their wives, and ate a good' dinner to -finish up a merry day. ■-* • • Quite a- number' of staid, respectable citizens, residents of Island Bay have in-' vested m six-shooters during the week, and an air of mystery surrounds the said citizens, who are not to be found of an evening m their usual- haunts. "Critic" learns on good authority that the majority of the would-be shootists spend the closing hours of the day and the early hours of the night seated m their coal-sheds armed with a pot of beer and a six-snpoter, awaiting the arrival of the marauders who have recently developed a mania for "pinching" coal.

Whiskers covers many a man's weakMSS.J: ■..:■:■..'.!■:. _. ■■-*^.-<, i.- ,■■■•'■• . - ; : , ■■..•'■: ; : ' .v .';. •.•' ■; ■.. .;,■;•: ■»:/-'^:- ■'■■•'. '-'* -. ..;-.; .: . A" '"high ,wihd is no respecter 61 petti* coats. ; . . ■ ' . •.'>•■ ; A ' * „ * • . All flesh is grass. . That's why a larmer is called. a hayseed. . i ■: * . . ■'.•••• :; / * ■ The palmy /days <of the 'police? ."When they used to grease' ihem; ' ' •* * •• ■ " . The undertaker^, is /the; most a-pall-ing business on earth' (and -under it). •'" ■.' "..' /v i i-..'f - .- ■■ .>.■ Flossie : "Married men are the worst ■!,".. Lottiie :■ "Gam, they're the best !" , The setting up of Democracy, dp as not i mean .the dragging' down ' of Individuality. ; . . • ■•'•'.■■■.!•? It's curious when you come to think of it how a small ant can make a big girl scream ! '.'* '. * ' : . '*'.-'■'" Has a perfect man. ever been born ? Yes, there; was one, but unfortunately he died when a boy. '* * ■.'■'' If money is the^roqt of all evil, what a Lof a lot <jf us would be devils if. we only had jbhe chance. '■ , • „..-••■.. ' • "How do you feel ?"■'■ asked the hang-, man. f'Just ready to drop <"•' gasped the^poor. devil on the scaffold. ■{ \ ■ ♦ • *• ; ■ ■ . ♦' A London paper heads a paragraph :— "Miss Marie Lohr's Lost! Charm." We take it that the^journal referred to. a trinket, and not to anything else belong- 1 ing to the lydy. ■ f> ■ ' ■■..*■ . A man m Queensland was shot m the head by a fearsome hunter, who mistook him for a scrub turkey. "Critic" thinks the victim must have possessed sen abnormal- red konk. 1 • • ■ ■•' ' * ' ■ *' „ * . ' . Limerick competitiohs-^in newspapers will m future be regarded m England as lotteries. Time, too, although the fool habit seems to be dying a natural death. There are often death-bed recoveries. Hooray!; Motor cars for the" future are . to be driven With rum instead of naphtha and there will be quite a rush for the job of "showfers." Tne cars will be chased | by dead-beats, just to get a whifi of the good 'rum going to waste. •.;'■* : . * If reports be true regarding the jolly Jack now Picnicking with the Fleet, a N •of them will "require the services of specks ! before the eye specialist or a spell m the Inebriates Home by the time they ; return. They have been enjoying too naughty , a t^me altogether 1 , , ' . * . "■• . ■■ •■ ) : Mrs Neligan, wife of the Bishop of Auckland addressing a meeting m Lon- ' don, recently, said that the New Maoris were "Irishmen with brown faces." Now, what has the down-trod- . den -land of the Shamrock done ? This , is another injustice to Ireland. ■■■ - ••. - v ■ • '' ■■"• v ; The husband of a Victorian woman who contracted religious mania and chopped ( off her right hand because it offended her, • conceived a hatred of the clergy and shot a poor, half-starved' lay-reader of the Anglican communion. 'Would-be reformers Often make the mistake of beginning at , the wrong end. ■■ ■' *\ ■" *. .i * A correspondent objects to melon and < apple jam being. colored, mixed with a few^raspberries, land afterwards tinned and sold as raspberry, with minute lettering underneath, "and other choice fruits." Well, he can object from now till doomsday, so long as the public do not, without doing much damage. i 1 The Melbourne Board of Health stai^ that ' out of nineteen samples of ice-creaiH examined, no less that seventeen cont-n • | ed micro-organisms. The ' - 'bald-head.;? | scientists and health officials seem t: ( have a down on spobning couples, H I was bad enough to discover millions ot microbes ■. m kisses, but they njight have ] kept "off the ice-cream. . 1 • ' • .■• :*■ ■?■ ■ ' ' Says an English sporting sheet ; "'Che j antiquity of football goes some centuries ] farther back— indeed, it was practised by the earliest Greeks. , . • Yes, the very first football match, a million years 8.C., was played between the cave-apes and the tree-gorillas. The ball was a cocoanut. : and. after every scrum there was an m- \ terval for embalming the dead. And it ■ is said that the lady gorillas ogled the ■ umpire something shameful jm ' ■ • '*.".■• : Hot-Cross Bligh had the unspeakable i gall, at Blenheim, to refer to a publican tion (presumably 4I N.Z. Truth") which ■■ Circulated throughout the length and ; breadth of the land poisoning and cor- \ rupting the mia'ds of the young men. Pub- 1 lie opinion has it that Bligh is corrupt- ; ing the youth of the colony by lecturing 3 on sexual . matters, i The prurient mina of Wowser Bligh ] Sees nought but filth m sight. He wallows deep m sexual sty, ' And draws the crowd witih subjects "high," Till lust is spread, and people cry, . "The wowser's name is 'Blight' I" \ •.,•-. * . ' ■ ; The consummate ease with which the ] light-fingered gentry can disjjose of stol- 1 en property m this city is a disgrace to i Wellington. 7hat "fences" flourish m ' our midst, and buy, for a mere song, f "articles of . great value, is well-known. 1 There needs "no ghost come from the 1 grave, my lord," to tell us that the p.o- < lice are well seized of the existing state 1 of aflairs. More than one police official 1 has candidly admitted that there is no i secrecy surrounding such matters, and s when taxed point blank on the subject 1 the police officials m question have cool- ! lv replied to the effect they are "necessary evils," and are tolerated solely be- 1 cause the fences "put away" the persons ' from whom they purchase other people's | property. . '

Telegraphy is said to be dash Mar d work. [,} " v.-'.,;;. v .; '/ -,-v. :: ; ' ■.'- y ' ■ " ;■■'*•' •■■;■•.■• • ; ■ * ■■"'. .. ■■:■* ■ It does- not; makr a bill any smaller to file it. y * *..-'■■■'.■-• ; / ':': A man m love suffers from a purblind squint. " ' ' * .■' ..■•■. * -. "People who live' m glass houses'? must, have a terrifying time I during a hailstorm, i \ -..-..-■ ' ' *.->' _.•.'.«. As a rule man , walks ■ for ; a parson, but finally finds himself running like mad for a purse. , ■. ' If preachers would look at the pulpit from thepawpoint the plate, would £lda6ej them more. . x - • '. .)■ *':"'# '■ ' . * • Cleanliness may be. next to (rodliness, but Wellington firms find that it takes a lot of advertising to sell soap. ■■ '.■■ * * ■ ..'■ ■''■■ ■' * The man who said two heads are ib^tter than one . wasn't a 35r&ob-a-week bank clerk whose wtife had given him twins. * . '* •■ '•"■.'. On Friday evening a young lady m Carterton placed ■ a hot water bottle at her feet to keep the frost from her pedal extremities. When she awoke m the morning there were miniature icebergs on the bottle, v ' \ ; ♦ ' _ *■,■■•* . ■ The proposal to put back the clock an hour or two during nine months of the year is all very well, but what most mature men and matrons want is to put back time, not an hour, but , ten .or twenty years. Dr. R. H. Strong, who was co-respon-dent m the ; Wallace divorce suit at Melbourne, has become insolvent. A doctor he must patience have, If he would bowl along— For Dr. R. H. doesn't' seek Just now, a bit too stronar. ,-•■'' *■ * A constable was seen coming out of a certain city hotel the other day by his superior officer. When spoken to on the matter, he explained that a " friend of his had left a drink for him at the nub*, and he (the John Dunn) had only just slipped >m tp^ tell '• the"; barmaid that he wasn't drinking and so didn',t require, it. . ■ ' . * .■*'.''.*. Jimson _and a bachelor pal were wending homeward their . weary way m the early hours. "Ah ! you're a lucky fellow !" ti^hcel the pal, "with a home, and a Wife, and a welcome waiting you ! Look ! there is a light m the window for you !" "By jove, so there is !" exclaimod Jimson, m .alarm. » 'There's only one way out of that— let's drive back to the club." ■*.■■'■' • ■ •' The Yankee people is a truly wonderful people, and the doctor a trnTv. wonderful doctor. Read what the latter has done for a gentleman who, having become involved •m a street row, suffered from a perforated heart. '" '.'More from scientific curiosity than any hope of savinc life." says an informative journal from the home of the ■ wooden nutmee. "the surgeon removed* a portion of two ribs, and then took out the heart. They inserted three stitches BETWEEN THE BEATS, replaced it, and closed the wound." We feel, stupidly, that we should like so much to know -iust. where those three stitches were inserted. Some DixoD-street residents have beenj I thinking deeply on the boy question of hate. The 'reason thereof is. thus explain- ; cd. The Y.M:C.A. m Willis-street »hold evening; classes, at which, the bright youth of the city attend to allegedly improve their minds. Parents ' never sdispected that their off-spring would prefer a neighboring boxing institution to spend an hour or two, and .whep late one night re^ cently two bright boys . came homewith : blackened eyes and bleeding noses, the truth came out. The two brothers had ! had a difference and settled it m the orthodox fashion. Instead of; going to the I V.M.C.A. the lads sough* I ' the glory of the pug ring. Now other parents with bright boys are wondering a lot of things they had not noticed' before. ■ „v '- • ■'.''*■ ' The crafty cunningness of the Chinamen is no match for the unscrupulous lawyer. When the Chows are battling against each other, at times they haverecourse to law, and the divided parties each seek legal ''assistance," then the legal sharks get to work, and there's hell to pay. The lawyers take on the job at so much per day. On the .first day one lawyer has "only just received instruc-. tions,'.' and '-'m justice to my client, ypiir' Worship," gets a remand. On the next day the Pther legal joker seeks a further remand "m order to secure the attendance pf an important witness, your Worship,'- which is agreed to. And so the farce goes on, and the two lawyers between ' them rook the opposing Chinamen of pretty well everything they possess, barring their aroma, **• * ' Working, men fin New Zealand who may have thoughts of going to Queensland m search of work would do well to reconsider the question as, no matter what the prospects for men with capital who desire to go on the land, there is no opening for laboring men, notwithstanding the • Queensland Government's cry for immigrants. A fortnight ago there were upwards of one thousand unemployed laborers m Bundaiberg who had drifted thither m the endless search for work, and the police were doling out rations to the unfortunate men., A similar state of alfairs existed at Gympie, the mining town,, and the demands of the unemployed for rations from the police are increasing greatly. The foregoing two instances will suffice ,to set New Zealand workers thinking before deciding to leave their fair land-, m spite of its elastic Arbitration Act. for the Northern. Australian State. '

If devil^ever feels good it muitj be when he looks at a hypocrit«. (■•■=•';■■ ' ' '*•_■■■'.■■• ; '■■ '• «■'. ';' ; • . . Prior to divorce proceedings, at times, it's just as well to remember the blind.' • ■ ' " • ■ . ■ ■'■'.■'■' The fat. end of a short pedigree is"\ worth so much f more than the' fine enrf-: of a long one.. '•h| ."Taffie Bob." or • properly speaking, M^ David Roberts; one of Buller's 'oldest in^i habitants,- passed- in his marble at \Ve^lh port; the- other day, aged 73. "In the old days "Taffie" was engaged on the Bulle*.. River cargo trade. * /' * * • Seems to be a boom m gun inventors. lately. A French engineer has just produced an electric apparatus capable of discharging 1200 projectiles a minute without explosives. If these remarkable inventions are 'brought into practical use there will soon be precious little fun m being a soldier of the king. It's risky enough now. • : * * , . " * ' •' ■■ . \ The martial spirit ol the glorious British Hempire seems to be dying, out. Out of an establishment of 802,000 men for the new territorial army less than half the number have so far enlisted. It is predicted that there will be a shortage of at least 100,000 swaddlers m the army. This territorial army scheme looks like turning out a frost. '• •: •■ , • ' ■ i The Australian Premiers who have lately been "at home" can't be accused of belonging to the "Stinking Fish Party." Price "cracked up" his State as it hasn't been cracked up for many days, and Kidston ig now busily engaged m booming Queensland's possibilities, for all he is worth. Both Price and Kidston are worth ; a dozen ordinary advertising agents. A new song with the old title of "The Flower Q-irl," now all ,the go m London, tells the tale of a ."nymph de pave" who .wanders "through the busy thorouphfares selling sweetly fragrant wares."; She is willing, to sell to any one, "poor men, rich - men, doesn't matter which men," and she sings :— "If your coat is shabby^ there's no reason to lose heart, For a buttonhole will make the Very seediest look smart." > . • ' ■ * * "Critic" was looking m a Cuba-street ,shop window- the other day,' and 'noticed placards bearing the words: "All goods marked m plain figures." It is not generally known, but it is an authenticated fact, that the late Sir Henry CampbellBannerman's uncle and father were tfio first to introduce that famous phrase. The late English Prime Minister's unkey /ami pa once ran a retail drapery establishment, where Henry commenced life m the counter-jumping line. He displayed genius, and a political career— coupled with a judicious expenditure of the old draper's coin— won -him a title: He secured his baronetcy m 1895. • . ■•'■.-* ENGLISH— AS SHE IS SPOKE. /You take a swim, you say you've swum ; , Your nails you trim, but they're not trum ; And milk you skim is never skum. When words are spoken, those words, are spoken ; But a nose you tweak is not twoken • Nor can you seek and say you've soken. ' . •'/-.. . A top you spin, the top is spun: A hare you skin, yet 'tis not skun : Nor can a grin be ever gruh. If^ we forget, then we've forgotten ; But if we bet, we haven't botten ; No house we let is ever lotten : What we upset, is not upsotten : Now don't these prove—our language rotttn, * ♦ „* . ' IN . LUCKYLAND/ A Definite Diversion m Alliteration. I'd like to lead a listless life, and live m Luckyland. _ ' Where silence sits and sweetness smiles on summer's sunny strand ,V Where grace and grandeur, goiened m • . green and golden glory, glow^f And flowers filing ' a perfume afar, and fragrant fojm.tains flow. I fain would flee my fettered fate, witb forms to fare and feel, , ~'\ Whoj ruling rich, with royal reign, through realms of rapture reel ; To swim and swish and swirland swoon. . m. swelling seas of song, Nor reck thei rputh and'rocky >road, thaf'sj -. rife with rue and .wrong.' / ' ' "~ I fain would feel the irepdQm full which fancy.'s fields afford, '".■>' Nor cpurtly crowds, nor clamoring courts, nor canting creeds iiccord ;" ' And fledged for fairy tales afar and. I fancy's flight above, . / To land the land whose life and light still lean on loyal love. No brighter blessings bloom above, where brilliant boons abound Than flatunt m fair affection's field, where fealty's , friends are ' found ;' The burden-Jbearer's blisses beam m beauty's bright abode, ' Where love is lord— for love alone can lighten labor's load. Nor deem th» days of daring deeds must dwindle dull and, dead, Where long shall light and lead the land which Lincoln loved and led ; And right snail rule, with royal reign, though rogues roar and rant, To gain the garlands glory grew and gave to General Grant. I The mighty men love makes are men of manhood's mould and mien ? Love gives to gods the gifts of grace ' , and glory's garlands green, Then,- gleam a grain of golden, grist, a gleam of glory grand, And lead, with Love, a lordly life and I live m LjuckylantL •