HE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 158, 27 June 1908, Page 1

HE CRITIC.

1 ■ Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m tb c Critic' s page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? The Knave o! Diamonds : Lfemoine.' * * /■ . * ■ Never judge a man by his nose; he might not be a pugilist. '■ • . • • It's fortunate tor a sporting .married man if his wife isn't a nag. * . ■ ■ . • • . ' . . In Korea bachelors wear skirts and only, don pants after marriage. Why?; * . * '*':'. Adam kept an orchard, and his. 'opinion on the matter ought to be sought. : • • ' • • . v ■:•■: • It was an Irishman tftat said that young men and women love to be alone together. - .; - '• * * ... ■ *■. Entry m the suggestion book of Christ church public library, which is run prin^ cipally by the labor of boys, who make a. hellovarow, to the -distraction of pat-\ rons :-!-"That the attendants should wear! rubber heeta on. their boots."

The plan that robs «the cradle ruins the .world. , ■■-.•,.. - -„ • ' ' " •■■ ♦ ■ ■ ■.'-• "'. Intelligent lions are often the -fathers of asses. . * ' ' •*■'■' '" * . Give conscience a holiday for an nour , and it may go gallivanting for a lifetime. / \ * * • A man's first duty is to know himself:: his second is to 'keep the knowledge a dark secret. " ,>-■• •'■■■• • : The fat end of a short, pedigree is worth so much ; more than ' the fine end of a long one. *...•.■* . • The really smart men don't nut their own shoulder to r the wheel, they get some other fellow to do it. : * '/.'■"■*■■; ' * ' Nev«"* come to hasty decision about any person's temper. Even a dog m the man-. ger may have been suffering from an attack of indigestion, .• ■. ' *• ■ .■"*'■ . * . i, ■ Giving evidence m a police court casi recently a man said his wife was still lying up m a "matinee" hospital. Of course the flustered fellow meant a maternity joint, not a place where the early dpors are rushed. * • * Girls m a Christchurch pickle factory get 3d per gallon for peeling onions, and produce five gallons a day— ls 3d per dium m • Godsownkuntry. Onion peeling is a tearful occupation' in more senses than one. The employers are pious People, too. ' -. • ♦" • Dislike dies hard m • France. Dreyfus, who was surely persecuted pnoug-h to satisfy anyone's enmity, was shot at while saluting Madame Zola at the resurrection of her husband's remains. The shootist was a press quidnunc, who foretold a fearful fate for Dreyfus, and was disapuointed because he had escaped it. ■ * ' -..- * ' . ••' ' ■ ■ Flanagan, the cash evangelist, told an audience at Dunedin that if the women m some parts of London attempted to come to church they would be arrested for indecency owing • to the scantiness of their attire. Yes. riow about the "critturs"' going to the theatre ? The lor's roY ten' ■■-"■ ""• * .• * He was a very romantic young chap-, pie. and she looked up into his face with dancing eyes. "If you had your wish how would you spend, your life, Horace?" she asked. "Darling," he replied, "I would like both of us to he turned into goldfish, and to swim about m a big glass bowl for ever !•" But the coy tart replied, "Oh. spare me !" and skipped away from him. * '*•■.• * In Sydney there is a milkman whose tuneful yodelling has delighted the residents of Surry Hills and Redfern for 15 years or more, and even the police acknowledge his vocal ability. But a new policeman has arisen m Surry Hills, he summoned the tuneful miliman as a disturbipr of the Sabbath peace, but the Magistrate, who possessed a few remaining graces" acquitted the milkman, and very nearly convicted the policeman. * • » The story of the ex-Dumgree convict who pulled the "Dominion" reporter's leg was wired throughout the colony per Press Association.* A Christchurch exboarder of the prison camp says he had a fairly, good' time while there, but the wholesale/ .pilfering related by the limbpmler -vya's ' about as true as the "N.Z. TimesV. advertised circulation. The; southern person said he could tell a much more graphic and picturesque series of lies if he only had the time. ■ : * " ■ * • , • * This paper has received a letter complaining loudly of the treatment, by the dispenser, of the unfortunate women who are compelled by circumstances to go to the Christchurch Charitable Aid Board's office for relief. The indignity of having to beg for what is misnamed '^charitable" aid is bad enough, without being treated as though they were animals on a lower plane than ordinary humanity. The insufferable official should endeavor to permit his microscopic brain to grasp the fact that these worthy old ladies are not collecting charity but a very small portion of the money they have earned by their toil m the nast, and Which has gone to provide luxuries for parasites who . prey upon theVAvbi'kers,who barely succeed m dragging . from the monopolists a bare subsistence • ;in their old age. It is about time. "', the term "charitable aid" was= abolishpd and,"forced restitution" substituted, therefor. * - * • The parson-run Ashburton "Guardian" is on the side of the Capitalist every time, as might be. expected, of course. It publishes "an example of unfair treatment of the travelling public" by the iniquitous Government m the case of a Timaru man "who "took advantage of the cheap trips provided for visitors to Ashburton Winter Show" to do some business In the beerless townlet. Unfortunately he was detained over Monday when /his cheap excursion ticket expired, and he had the unspeakable rail to offer the station-master the difference between the excursion and the ordinary fare, and because that functionary did his duty 'and insisted upon a fresh ticket for the return journey, the joyless journal already mentioned remarks, with bitterness : ''Compared with this instance of Government morality, the common ordinary type of commercial morality is something to be proud of." The unmitigated cheek of the pious print is almost worthy of admiration. A Timaru person dishonestly takes advantage of the train put on to", assist the farmir- industry to go and do his own private business, enters into all agreement with the Government to be returned to' his home at a cheap rate on a given date, breaks the agreement, then howls because tbe stationmaster doesn't commit a felony by accepting les| than the proper fare. X that is the miserable rag's idea of commercial morality, it ought to take a piece of blotting-paper and blot itself out.

la Denmark "tarts" insure against be- ! ing old maids. In New Zealand no insurance company; would take the risk^ - ( -♦ ' * * From a Southern museum catalogue:—, •?The visitor's eye "will be struck on en-" tering the room with a porcelain umbrella." * * • Influenza, like cholera, so a medical journal assures us, always travels from east to west. Judging from its effects, rt comes all ways m Wellington. .- • ■ * * • v "sh'ere have been over , a thousand deserters from the American fleet since m arrived m Californiah waters, . as owing to the superabundance of hospitality the sailors arc dissatisfied with life aboard ship. Pleasant information this,., for . New Zealand: 'The scum of- the earth. ■ will play hell m Auckland. • '■-■.' ' '. ■'•* - • .'"♦•■■ A: speaker at the Balclutiha Literary Society: !'lam told on good authority that the preponderance of women over men is increasing yearly, till m- time the world will he composed of women only. Where will the bachelor be then, may' 1 1 ask?'!. He'll be on heaven surveying the other place where only wojneh reign.' . * '•'*■' ,iV'.; .'"••' Advertisement m Temuka "Leader":— "Wanted— Middle-aged? woman as housekeeper with a view to matrimony.— OJT., Temuka 'Leader' office. 1 ' • C.T. doesn't mention if any wages are to be paid while the lady is on trial. The gentleman, who doesn't describe his own age or appearance, might go on sampling middle-aged housekeepers indefinitely. * * • From an Auckland paper :— Gentleman, middle-aged, with about eight acres orchard, wishing to make extentions, would like to correspond with lady of means, with view to mar-; ri^ge," The recently issued English "Law List" for the present year cpntaißS the names ' of over 10,000 barristers. Poor clients !: *.* ■ * . Some thief, curse him, showed a wonderful discrimination at Blenheim the other day when he robbed the wife of the Hon. C. H, Mills and got away with four and a half quidlets. The thief catered the hotel and selected Mrs Mills' tr&mtef the. others were severely left alone. Another outrage on capital. Perhaps it's the only way of getting anything from "Chawles.'? He's pretty dry, as all bjoatr ed capitalists are. \ • ' " .• . •. The methylated-spirits drunk toed the judicial scratch at Eketahuna the other day and police thought it advisable to get a prohibition order against him. The drunk employed a lawyer to defend him, and the legal chap argued subtly that it wouldn't be wise to take out an ordinary shikker prohlib. against his client as "meth" was calculated to do him more harm. A Bench of Jays Pee showred superior wisdom and made an order accordingly.. * i * • - ■ • - ♦■•;■•• . ■. The "Pelorus Guardian" .calls it the Triplets' Craze and mentions that the wife of a resident of Sydciiham presented her husband with triplets on Tuesday— two bbys and a girl. The mother and children are" all doing well. Thisis the third case- of triplets m New Zealand this year, a Maori woman- m Taranaki • and an Englishwoman m Blenheim having qualified for tfie King's bounty. Husbands will have to be more careful or. King Ned will go bankrupt. ' ; . ' ' .'. ..• . *'...-., *''''.'■ It: isn't safe to talk photo' enlargement anywhere within one hundred •■ miles of Timaru just now. Twp fakers- who canvassed . the country collected, the entire stock of prize . family photos . jn ; the district, with hajf-a-crown. deposit m each case, then vanished .into the ' great unknown.. The' police subsequently investigated the "Princess Aft' Studio," ' Strathallanstreet, which left the cloak of respectability to the swindlers, and -there found piles and piles of photos, running into hundreds, and as each represented half a dollar;- the enterprise knocked damages collecting for a living into a cocked hat, as lawyers were dispensed with,, ■ v " * ♦ ' * .' • ■ i • One bet doesn't constitute a shop a gaming house, and one swallow doesn't make a dinner. Jack Gill, bookmaker, has an establishment m Oxford Terrace, Ohristchurch, which drew crowds of men on June 2 and 3;ar>d was as big a magnet as the annual comic song competition at Fuller's. Peelers Phillips . and Turner investigated, and after exercising considerable persuasion, Phillips induceel . trill to Jet him" back Webb to win the Great Northern Steeplechase or Dick; Arnst to swim the Tasman Sea, or something like that, and the bet was duly recorded. Then Gill was ■ charged, before Magistrate Day, with keeping a common gaming house, and pleaded not guilty. Lawyer Cassidy cited authorities to prove that a common gaming house was an edifice wherein more than one bet bad been registered, and was the resort of persons for tire purpose of gambling. His Worship upheld this contentfon and dismissed the information. * / ** * Sydneyites just now are up m, arms &~ gainst the invasion of that city by the yellotf alien, and the Harbor City folk are Wucking strongly. Of course, here m New Zealand we have our own Ohow to contend with, and it looks like amazing impudence for any New Zealander to go to Sydney and there barrack for the Tellow Pest. Anyhow, that is what a Dun« edinite named Walter Pater son is doing, and he has the sublime and lofty audacity to declare m print that m Sydney the people don't take any interest m the Mongol, just as if they would not like to dump the leprous brutes into the duckpond of Port Jackson. Here, anyhow, is how "Wally" proposes to assist the Chow and that is" to present', every mongreliwitU .a copy of the New Testament as a New Year's gift. What is more, Paterson has the toughness to ask people to subscribe £6G 13s'4d for the purpose. "Patty*. 1 says nothing could more delight him than to carry the Bibles round. The love of some white men for the alien passeth all understanding. They're renegades to their race and religion, if they have any worth mentioning.

It's the painter onlj who. should draw the color line. ■'■;', ■).■- . . - - The tied m the affairs of Wan Is 'tbe marriage noose. . *'* ' • It's really the police -court drunks who commit purge-ry^ .:.*-. * • A soprano who can't sing, but will sing, should be kettled^ ' :^. . • '*■ it's the, loYerlorn maiden who takes : steps to nave a companion; * • . * Tommy Burris's fighting weight m Australia, is three thousand pounds ! * * ' " * .The Kaiser has sawn oft the ends pi his •moustache'!: He "doesn't draw the curler line. .. .-■■■• ** . • There is always danger when a man meets a woman to whom jhe can go for sympathy.- --'? * '■ '*■■■. It's not. the emotional star, it's the usher at the theatre who moves the audience to tiers., ** . * The feinting woman, whoy-at* convenient times falls' m a fit, usually, "finds it is swoon over, \ ' * * ■ . . m ■■ Mr Redhead has been appointed carer taker of the Ashburton V Domain.' They say there is nothing ginger aliput Jiim. * •* ' ';•' * .' '■ '. In New South Wales tn| Full Court has decided that railway refreshment rooms may legally supply liquid and solid refreshers on Sunday. Sabbath train receipts are sure to rise rapidly as a result of this broah decision. \ / • . * '■ .• From the Dunedin "Times" :— NOT Bad-looking Ypung Man (23 years ■ age) is on the lookout for a WIFE •;' intentions serious ; photos exchanged.— Address Tired, Post Office, OtokiaVn "Tired" hasn't any two - opinions 1 , ..about himself, and as his Intentions aj;e;|serious his lookput ought to be successful/ God help him if they are not.. ! ■ ;• ■ '■'- * * ?'■■■'■ * "M.CI," Christchurch, wfip 'has lost a copy of a treasured poem, writes to know if "Truth" can supply the words, some of which run very much like this : PEOPLE WILL TALK/ Your journey "^through thi&vworld will be very slow , If you ; listen to all that, .you hear .< as you go ; ! ' ' i You'll be'; worried and fretj&ed and kept ; m, l a stew, , \ . For ; meddlesome tongues') must have, / ' something to do. Perhaps some reader 'can furnish the verse. ■'■ ' ■"■; ■ • ' ''. • .- t ♦ The editor' of the "Kaikoura Star" ha« ratted. : pk ;his white fellow .creatures., He's a iChqwite now, otherwise what does the* following indicate?-*- !. A good deal of alarm and .indignation Were manifested lately when ;it was shown that an increasing number of Chihame'n were' being employed m British ships;; but when the matstef is carefully exajniried, our. indignation must m part be, expended/ upon the men whoso . own shortcomings have brought' about this sad Wte of things. The Chinese ' are said to he,steady, plodding;; and re» liable. With, ■ fair treatment tjijsyfi make food workers, sand are given ineitbsr to rink, insubordination, nor • desertion. Can this be said" of , the average.. British seaman orfeeman at the present day •? Quite W .^e's cheap and docil^ and doekh't 'bother^ about Unions, and vis- a cur and is kickedi.and cuffed. by-bVutal officers. No fear of a white man Standing that. Who - -was. the gallant ;; British "gait" who preferred, three drunken Brit-, ishers to a forecastle full of cheap; 1 , ese Coolie slaves? , l''n \ •■.. : '" ■'•'•■ ■; .*">*s■ ■■ A Christchurch girl,, who is one 'pi a number similarly situated, has a) r gjnievance that seems to be reasonably; fqvmdcd. The Corporation tepid swjmiiiftg baths have been opened .-.ito ladies 'at specified hours \ of the day., but tjie j tier mands of the caretaker ; lhterfeteV, "With that regulation. The^fifectionaiJs|wine». tioned has started swimming 'clas§esjja|;---7s 6d per quarter, and -®ill; not -pepnJiY non-members of the cliass-.ito use^ jtbTe^ baths while the class is* i beih> i iibs.|ru'cfe cd. There ,are ' a number;;ot ?i3pls T wlio:' don't want to loin the cldss;' but ddmind'' the use of -the baths at^^e'adyertfsea hours. As they are shuWout dilriiig^a' portion of ttfpse, hours aifd 1 can ; onls>- obtain admission by joining 'the Class, ft looks as though undue inTflugn'ce ; ,isL."teinK used for the caretaker's ; gaiji:- This -paper wants to know jf the>batfis.;^ere^ op^ ened for the benefit of >We carelaker- or for th« public, and desire^' fOv knpw i&Jso if the caretaker is authorise.d 1 ' tp^-vcjosei the baths to ladies at an^ ; --fclinei'! during; the advertised hours. Jtfep, it wpuld like to know why the gir^fs vare to be ,exploited for the benefit of the caretaker ? The -homicidal motor hog , is m evidence again down Ashbuxton way. At least the offender was so swih and sudden that.vhe couldn't be mistaken for anything else but a motor hog. IThe brothers GePrße and William Stockdill were driving aloiig the Alford Forestiroad, on their rigbt side, and carrying lights, when something; appalling cauie up out of the darkness, wrecked the whole contraption, aiSi disappeared again m jthe of ;ib eye. The trap \vas upended and smashed ; George got staple fast 'm. a whefel and lay m perilous , v closenesis to the spreadeagled moke's, heels."KcWifliam ha^ an ear cut m halves and almost cut*offi" and a larce handful- iof skin was taken* from his neck and tands, while his; clothes looked as though they had been* through a flax-stripperj" Georpe had the hair removed from ttas top of his head m the manner of monks of old. A doc^ tor replaced William's : ear and dovetail- : \ ed it together m the Hope that it wouldj^ grow on again, and otherwise effected 18'^' pairs. The fact that the brutal can*?" of the catastrophe didn't pull ud to $ vestigate confirms the general jmxmV? that it was a motor hoa. • \ r o^' " .. . ,*€+^'