THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 156, 13 June 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brare the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved bis menti m m the Critic's pa fie?Parade his error m the public eye ? , &nd Mother Grnndy'g rage defy? ■''', ' ' : ■ All men like good . things. * ' " ■•■;^ r ' ; " Every woman has her price. ! *- ♦ ♦ God is the Logical Conclusion of .the* [ pniverse. * ' • • Orange blossoms are but the prologueto a peeling .ofi.. * • • The dramatic element" m modern lile_ | exists only m ignorance. * • • *. • A woman always hustles for her own way,, and hates to get it. * • ■ * A man goes quickest to the devil when & woman makes the pace. . * * ~\ • Summed up, Civilisation is simply the solution of problems m sex. *'• • ' • It . requires a great deal of push. . rven m handling a wheel-barrow. * • * ".' * There 7 are tricks m every trade, but. the tricks of bookies are tricks of the trickiest kind, * * * It is when a married man goes visiting an old flame that he can truly foe said to be playing with fire. * • " It is only the strong that yield to temptation ; the weak are afraid to come close enough to it to be tempted. * ♦ ■ • Will somebody throw a little light Upon a point not settled yet .' What was the nature of the meal That Romeo and Juliet ? *• • ♦ A "Washing done here" sign on premises where lives a husband is a pretty fair indication that some loafer is having a good time while his wife works, .'.'*■'*' * People of whom it is said, "It's no use asking him a favor until after dinner," are condemned as individuals who carry their sense of justice m their stomachs. * * ' * ■ An up-country town is bucking like a stubborn billygoat because the local uoliceman was away for three days. Upcountry towns do not know when they are well off. * • • The omnipotence of the cow. A Norr them paper reports that the parson, and bride were awaiting the comin ■• of tbe bridegroom, when a message arrived statins that he couldn't come that- dp^ as the separator had "bust," but he, would' "cpme on the morrow if rfiairs were eflectod.; * * * When the census of Chinamen is taken, it might be as well to tot up the number of wretched white women who are found consorting with the curse. Then tenders might be called for a vesepl to take them, bag and baggage, away to some lonely isle of the sea, where the I salt sea breeze could disinfect them a little. *.* • * It has been decided to take an approximate complete census of the Chinese m Australia, to see whether there have been an influx m defiance of the Immigration Restriction Act. Fortunes can be made at smuggling the aliens | ashore m the Northern' Territory, and I doubtless t the statistics will show that there are many Chows who dodged the poll tax. !•' • * It's amusing to hear self-styled geolo- | gists and . naturalists prate of the world j and its inhabitants millions of years ago." J as if they knew all about it. Some of our would-be teachers are getting as egotistical as the Chinamen who claim that motor-cars and marconigraphs were known m their country ten thousand years ago. Anyway, they are on safe ground, as there are no old-timers aeed. enough to contradict with their experience. ,♦ * • Tommy Burns has cabled to the alleged Sydney syndicate who are makine balmy efforts to fix up a battle. "Will not fight blacks." He might have added. "Especially big fellows, like Johnson." But what right has any man to claim a title he dare not defend. Nobody here expected that he would fight Johnson, save for a part of the first round. Little Ted Green is the only one there willing to take on Burns. "Props" Reeder and all the big blokes fight shy of him. * ♦ • What's the use of Esperanto !. The sailors on the Jessie Burns are German, Swede, Russian, French and Greek, and the officers are English. The swear words always used were Anglo-Saxon, and the various • reps, of European nationalities could always command a ready tongue when occasion required. Evidently Esperanto is useless when it coincs to tell-; ing a man that he is a blanky blank or when- inviting him to go and do something decidedly unpleasant and certainly indecent, * * ♦ From recent "Lloyd's Weekly" to hand we glean something about the outspokenness of an English coroner. The evidence adduced showed tbat the husband was a hard-working man, the wife a drunkard, and that, while drunk, the would-be suffragette had lain on her child and killed it. The- coroner said to the husband : "Why don't you arive her a good thrashing When she starts drinking and neglects her home?" Meekly the husband murmured . "IShe mi^ht thrash me." The coroner thun'ereH ''If you can't manage her, send for me ; ! i I'll straighten lier up," Dear j'd rhh- j 1 ilrnus HinglanH (

Many a jockey pays tor the sins of bis ■owner! ■/.';„, v..,.^.- ..'.;:'-. ■'■ -.■>■ . * '' ■ ■«.■■-■ .» The cuddlin' moth— The wil« after that new hat. A woman loves to get off the chain With a gay dog: * • * Golfers are getting a tremendous reputation for profanity •!, * * • • ' No woman can become thoroughly bad. Without the aid of a man. i* . • • Some women take on nursing for a hobby— others for a hubby. ! it ' » • A Jack Tar's idea cf it : "There's many a miss 'twixt the pub and the ship." -** ■ • N No athlete seems to take defeat so badly as the pug— he always has some ex- [ CUSC. ' * • • A pickpocket should not weigh as heavy I ! as the ordinary man on account of being ligiit-fmgefed. ' r • ■ There is nothing more repulsive than to witness the union between a Chow and a white woman. \ • * * It is awfully exasperating to think oi the amount of pleasant l , wickedness going on m the world that one is out of. * * * A woman takes a man for better or for worse, but so long as she takes him the i I eight way he doesn't mind a bit. ■, • • "I never see your bloke about with you lately," said a factory tart on/ the tram t'other day. "No. he rides a bike now," I responded the doll. | * * • It is curious the broad grin that ripples across every face when there is a j rumpus m a boarding-house, and the name of the lodger is mentioned. i . • •■-.■- • A soldier's button is bad enough, but it. must have been terrible m olden times for the girls when the knights m armor bright gave them the farewell hug before gallopirs into battle. * .... ,-,,. ■:._. ' a • . An Arosrican paper informs us that the man "living skeleton" has married the girl "living skeleton" of a New YorK circus. Well, you can't say anything a< bout them being one flesh. * * • A LIMERICK. There was a young man named Willy, Whose actions were what you'd call silly, He went to a bail, Dressed m nothing at all, Pretending to represent Chili. * * * A newly-married man kisseth his bride at the rising of the sun ami at the set- . ting thereof, and at midday he dasheth homeward; but m a few months he kisseth her maid, ami cometh not home till the small hours of the morning. Such is life^ * « * The amateur boxing and wrestling tour-? f.aments a re again looming near, and the embryo pugs are bucking-in, getting fit for the fray. On this occasion we are threatened to be introduced to some exceptionally smart exponents. It's time wa really saw some. * * * To a Frenchman there would be nothing surprising about it, but when a pug m the ring, as has happened on a few occa-^ sipns, fifts his foot humorously and boats his foeman on the rudder the roar of laughter that always goes up from the audience almost lifts the roof. * . ' * . ','••■' Truly some women trouble greatly ov«r trifles. A nice-looking lydy walked into a frill-shop t'other day and asked for half a foot of Irish insertion, which the advertisement said was hard, durable, cleanlooking and all the better for constant washing. The counter-jumper informed her that he was just out of it. and the lydy with a sigh, "Oh, I can never get what I want m this world !" rushed out, looking real happy.- --* * * At the laying of the foundation stone of the Hokitika Post Office the other day, Sir Joseph Ward, who placed a bottle containing coins;, etc., m a cavity, jocularly remarked that the coins would be a "find" for someone some day. The Prime Minister possibly had m mind a finder who might dig a Hundred years hence. The real finder knocked a brick or two out the same night and got away with the bottled coin, which totalled <about £1. It was mentioned m a Timaru motor ■> hog case that a Christchurch girl had been run over by a dray loaded with bricks, and although the wheel passed over her thighs no bones were broken. This is not surprising. Her father was probably a champion footballer who "went down to rushes" every time, and dodged the hospital by a whisker. That sort of thing is bred m the bone, and comes out m the: football or the brick, as the case may be. .* • * Another instance of the uses of being a Christian ! Some time back there lived a man m Feilding, a godly storekeeper. He was of the Presbyterian persuasion and carted the collection ± a.te round Sundays as every decent Christian should. Everyone thought he prospered, but one day he had to call his creditors together and explain that he was something like £1500 short. But his good Christian friends came to the rescue, and instead of declaring him bankrupt, took over his stock. They might not have been so generous had they known that it would only pan out 2s Gd m tbe £. Anyhow, the said pillar of the church shifted camp, and the last heard of him was that he and his wife were first saloon passengers to the old country. It is said uhat lie carries a letter of introduction from more than one Presbyterian parson, although Ihe let one of thrt fraternity m Wellingi ton m for a few quid. Verily, religion covers a multitude of nina.

Moving m high circles—people ia airships. , * • « Love is nature's yeast m the dough of sexuality. .* ••. ■ . • . The Hamlet- who says !"O Failure" generally courts it. . * • • Tragedy or Farce is the only possible . sequel of True Love. * * » . Woman is tha great regenerator, and the' greatest destroyer. * * . • ■ Judge a married man by his conduct away from home and missus. * .. • * • Never tell a tailor a suit looks creditable. He's .bound to ask for spot cash. ■•••'.■•' * ; Some people, the parsons particularly, are only happy when making others mis* erable. Stationed at Auckland there is a police constable named Copp — Copp the Copper—appropriate name. *■- * * Raetihi reckons it ) has got the champion mean man. Every second or third year he takes a trip 'Ome and comes out again as an assisted immigrant ! * » • "If this Arbitration Act is rot repealed I will sell out and leave the country," declared a delegate at the Auckland Farmers' Union Conference. A petition should be at once presented to the bounder to adhere to his resolution. * * * There are a number of bachelors residing on the Oxford Road, Oka to, and, evidently anticipating that a number of eligible young ladies would be passing their whares- to attend the picnic .recently, they made \ their loneliness known by means of sign boards with/ the words, "Wanted a wife" scrawled thereon, i The merest man feels that way himself vejry often. * * ♦ A Hunterville cow (says an exchange) attempted to masticate and swallow a bridle, and succeeded so well that the reins, breast-plate, etc., had disappeared into her stomach, and only the bit was visible m her mouth. A rope was attached to the bit and most of the lost property was recovered by force. What became of the blanky horse is what troubles "Critic."- --* * * The bumptious, officious bobby falls m at times. He fell near Blenheim -the other day, and the lesson taught him might have a good effect. The "snout" was "dead-rnuts" on pro. persons and tracked them down with, relentless fury should they get within the shadow of a pint pot. T'other night he was out for proscribed beer*shifters and spied a couple with a ; bottle. He pounced on them like an eagle on a lamb and collared the bottle, and to make sure of his case took a swig. It was linseed oil, and now, that tf'snout" is not playing "sjeaks" with himsell or anybody else. * • • '« It's pretty rotten on a bloke who is trying to live down the past that he .should have his skeleton m the cupboard to light. A Southern paper remarks .:— "What. is believed to be a record jn potato digging has just been established m South Canterbury, a young man named George Joyce, an ex-contingenter, having dug and bagged, unaided, 23 sacks of potatoes m one day, from 8,15 a.m. to .5.15 p.m. Why an ex-contiDgenter, anyhow ? Is this a subtle manner of explaining that at least one of the farnvburners is earning an honest , living. Anyhow, good iron, "Critic" says, to Joyce, and we . rejoice accordingly., . . * * ... * The exact reason why- girls should -squeal when they go into the water has never been properly explained. In Christchurch new municipal tepid baths, the shrieks that arise from the swimming enclosure during girls' hours are disconcerting m the extreme, and attract a large outside audience. It has been discovered that danger 1 lies m a multitude of -irresponsible screeches, as it is impos«ible to distinguish the despairing yell of . a drowning person from the merely hysterical outburst of a nervous maiden who has just wet her small toe, and the .authorities are m a quandary. At present the caretaker patrols agitatedly round the water like an elderly hen with' her first brood of duckling*.' * * * - Some people are very casual m Gerald-, inc.. Frank Reid was going out shooting when his sister drove .up m the family conveyance. Reid was Dutting the turn-out away, but struck the gun. which exploded and removed three fingers from his left hand. The row startled the' horse, which bolted ; Reid sprinted after it, . caught it, and returned it to the' stable, then mentioned casually to the family 'that he thought he was shot. Sister Bella cycled to Geraldine for a doctor while Reid collected his missing fingers to add to his collection of -curios. Fortunately the young man wasn't intended to be a musician. Fuller's pianist, for instance, would be severely handicapped' by an accident of this sort. * • m The black man is still chasing the white man around the world. Squires ran away from Johnson, the nigger, m Australia, and scooted to Murraka. Massa Johnson followed, and seeing that Burns wiped the flurc with Bill, Johnson then turned his attention to Burns, who now says he wants £6000 to light jMassa Johnson. The best men of the day, ali" ough they tried for a time to draw the color line, bad to fight Peter Jackson. Heavens ! what would have happened m Australia if Squires had been on deck during the Peter boom and refused to fight Jacksou ? What a howl of indignation Sydney would have sent up. In Johnson's case, there can be no mistake about it, the palefaces are afraid of the dusky warrior. If Massa Johnson ever does get into the ring with either Tommy Burns or Bill Squires, you can bet your bottom dollar (and top one too) that Tommy i and Bill will know the ri i's a fight going j on somewhere m the neighborhood. I

Man compared with the Universe is aa! insect, but an insect that won't let the Universe keep many secrets. Like many other great musicians, one of the most striking things about Kubelik is— that his hair wants cutting.- l * * * Fortune does not change men : it unmasks them, * • * * A freak kick— Some footballers' efforts, to pot a goalj * ■ • *. Fear and Self-restraint can always checkmate honesty. *■* * * , Many of our defects are the very roots of our good qualities. * • * When there is no precedent there is no hindrance to experiment. * • * "Let sleeping dogs lie" is tbe latest motto m the burglary profession. * * * It's the uncorroborated wet-nuss that requires watching occasionally. * * « Brevity is the soul of wit. That is why no one ever looks for it m women and ■members of Parliament. * . * • Advertisement from a daily paper during the week: — "Wanted, a furnished bedroom for a lady plain but good." * * * Millionaire Frank Gould; says that no one knows the curse of money. Hard-up people will agree with him. It's an awful curse when you can't get it. *•* ■ ■ What, drink the toasts m singerbeer ? Lord help such drear speech making ! Let flow the wine or else we fear You'll set some tummies aching.' * * • • i It is reported that Kaiser Wilhelm's dog was seized m Venice for being loose and unmuzzled. Dogs are reputed to become like their masters— but they don't get all their privileges. * * * Christcburch butcher (to female customer buying a lamb's fry) : "Here y're, ma'am, I'm giving you the fry that should have gone to Mr Justice ." "That's all right, so long is you don't give me the judge's liver?' * • • There is nothing like doing things m the public gaze. Even 'the repentant lasses, sorrowing over She result of their easy virtue, wish at times they had done their spooning. in less secret places — especially when lack or corroboration, turns . the beam ; of justice against them. * * * The Johannesburg papers report themarriage of Mr Graham Cross to Miss Victoria Blackwell. Such a partnership : suggests a life of real jam and a possibility of many little pickles. T.he bridegroom may be congratulated, on having won his Victoria Cross. * • * A' city hotel-keeper the other day told . the bench that he did. not keep an account of the drinks he surrounded m a day, but he could take 20 whiskies without sustaining any hurt. "Critic" would take off his hat to this very fine perform"whisky" -the average publican draws er had he not some knowledge of the from his special bottle when a customer is shouting— toast colored water.. *'* * j "Critic" just leneats this as it was told to him : At a back-country race meeting the other day, a yob walkedup *to the only bookie there and asked how much were his tickets each. When -tlio bookie replied "hall a quid," tne yokel put m a quid or two, and walked away to see the race. He asked if he had won anything when hecame back, but the bookie, m a sad voice, said : ' '■'No, brother : no luck this time." * * * * . The military veterans are "indeed pleased/ to see that our services to our late beloved Queen and country are being recognised" by their being admitted as deadheads to picture shows and dinners. But what of Uhe veterans 61 the nobler army' of industry, worn out after a life of strenuous toil ? Probably so few 'live long enough to be termed veterans that their number is too insignificant 'J» bother about.. * * * ThesN.S.W.; Premier thinks it would be well if the American fleet arrived about mid-day. Steamers, with passengers, could then line each side of the harbor, and the people be given an opportunity of seeing the squadron m motion. "Critic" thinks the middle of the night would be,/ better, and that >the date should be kept a secret. Then there would be less chance of fatalities. The projected visit of the Yanks is evidently sending the Australians off their' nut. * .* • ♦ From the "Moaning Times" :— MATRlMONY.— Raspectable, welleducated farmer's son, 37, with '£300. wishes to make the acquaintance of a sensible Girl, or Widow with a home (either farm, shop, hotel, or boardinghouse), with view to above. Address, G B . Post Office, Blenheim. The respiecitable, well-fe!ducaHed farmer's son with £300 wants a lot for his money. Anyhow, he isn't likely to be rushed by any sensible girl— girls know too much nowadays. * * * The unmarried mother with her "Scarlet Letter" is always deserving of sympathy and even kindness, though, as a rule, most of her own sex are down on her like a back down to a forward rush. When, however, the unmarried person with an encumbrance sets out to bilk those who treated her and her off-spring with kindness, the milk of kindness m the human breast is apt to -turn sour. "Critic" is throwing out a hint here to one dressmaking young person m Wellington who is putting on airs to a wq-£ man who tended to the sinful drejp^ I maker's brat, and trusts that the | won't be neglected, ' because if nrocen* are taken th« exposure won't be-' 1 *nt.