THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 148, 18 April 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m th c Critic's pa ge? Parade his error m the publio eye ? ■ And Mother Qrundy's rage defy ? There's many a slip 'twixt the coin and the kip. 5 * * * The ignorant are hard judges of others; the wise of themselves. * * * He used to believe m dreams— Now he doesn't. He married one. * * # It is wonderful how soon a girl behind a bar forgets how to blush. * • * Few animals can boast of so many Rood points as a porcupine. * ♦ * Christchurch will have the Saturday half-holiday within twelve montl^ * * * There are numbers of ways of being disagreeable besides telling the truth. * * v It is mostly after we bave fallen m with people that we fall out with them. * * . * The wowser doep not want the truth, which is not m accord with his own disposition. *♦ ■ ♦ If decimal coinage is introduced it will take some figuring out to calculate the price of a threepenny beer. * * ♦ Smoking flirtations are becoming popular m sassiety. The donah and the dhudcen will be an ordinary sight soon.

Love's golden dream is ore.'. Hosiery "co vereth^ a multitude of shins. '■■ ■ * . ••■ .. ,-. ■* ' A honeymoon should be called a harvest moon. * . . . * . * The post officfe clock is a striking piece of mechanism. ' * * *\ * Economy of gas generally- means profligacy of kisses. * * * A strong ,enemy is far more inspiring than a weak* friend. * . * * An undertaker is a man who. does not believe m the survival of the fittest. ' Woman is a conundrum. Man cannot guess it and don't want to give it up. * *■' .• * A 'pretty nurse can always tell r when her male patients are becoming convalescent. When distressed a woman hursts into tears. - but a man, as a rule, bursts into a public-house. ** * • There is generally a lot of the primitive'brute m the man who goes m for breeding prize bull flogs. * * * When a man is down help him un. A sovereign might fall out of his pocket, which, you can pounce upon. * * * The Noble testimonial touched £1551 14s 3d. A wag w&nts to know what M.A.N. is going to dowithe odd tray-bit. * * * Perhaps there is something m the notion that under the circumstances a particularly bright girl can do without a light m the parlour. * * * A full-fledged parson was m attendance at one of the big Sydney fights t'other night. He appeared to enjoy it immensely. Hats off to him ! * * '. ■* The Chicago "News" declares that the woman who puffs cigarettes is throwing ashes on the wings of Cupid and blowing smoke m the love-dog's face. * * * A motor' horn is a contrivance inyen/tr cd. for the rich to make an insulting noise, ■ warning ordinary people to get out of their purse-proud track ! ' * 4c ♦ The miserable and dejected appear.ance of a sailing crew paddling wearily homeward m the rain, after the wind has dropped, would melt a heart of blue metal ! *. * * "Christian Partner— Wanted for land agency business." , This is the text of an advertisement appearing m a Wellington paper.* The Taranaki "Herald" pertinently inquires : "Does the advertiser wish to kill his business ?" ■ ' * * * A witness before the Conciliation Board at Rangiora spoke so fast at times that he had to be asked to go slow if he desired his statements to be taken down. "I usually have to talk fast," he said m extenuation, "because I have no time to lose !" • ' * * * ' \ Because they, were impressed with the intimation that good conduct would be expected of them, the University students at Melbourne refused to attend to listen to the Chancellor's speech on commencement day. When these striking snobs, grow but of their calfhotfd the chances are they will damn the worker* who may strike for better conditions or higher pay. * * * In a Victorian town the police recently caught a man wedded m a chimney. Asked questions, he coolly informed the police that "some men nut me here." Foolish fellow. He should have said he was , experimenting m the clouds, and dropped from a balloon, or that he was a. married man and his wife was locking for him. Either excuse would have been better than the one he gave. * ,i> ■ * In many parts of great and glorious America people are so poor that their children have no breakfast before they go to school. Recently a woman informed the teacher that her son had not been to school because the family had only one loaf of bread to eat for two days. To overcome this condition, the children m some States are being fed by the authorities. And this, ye gods, m the land of many millionaires. * * * The Toulon police .have raided two opium dens, where they found several noncommissioned naval officers and seamen m a state of intoxication. They also obtained evidence, showing that certain women suspected of being foreign spies, were m the li'abit of luring French naval officers to these resorts, and taking advantage of the effects of the opium to search their pockets for service instructions or other naval documents. ■ * * * A big victory for white labor, on the Rand has been achieved ! The British | and colonial blood did not . trickle down the kopjes m vain ! Panic-stricken children did not rot m odious compounds for nothing ! Hollow-eyed, demented Dutch women did not view tbeir homes m flames Avithout a just cause ! The Rand mine-owners have offered, "as an experiment," to give work to 400 unemployed whites, on or below the surface at 3s per day. Hooray ! ** * ' When Christchurch sets out to break records m the sweating; line, the holy city is hard to beat. Warre. Hocklev and Co., wine and spirit merchants, advertised for a storeman t'other day. and a married man called on the manager with visions of a steady job at £3 10s a week. When the benevolent firm offered him 35s as a special favor, the applicant fell, down m a dead faint— or would have done so if he suffered from a weak heart. Talk about sweated industries m Britain ! One would think people m the shikker line would be disposed to pay decent wages. As the storcman's duties include delivery of boltlcd staggerjuice, the attention of the Carriers' Union is directed to the matter.

Phryne is a girl who seldom gives herself away. „ ..'.— Married m haste generally means paternal psessure. ** - * There is no one can get his own way like a drunken man. * ■ * ♦ A little philosophy helps one to hear with philosophers.' ■ ■-■••' -.. •*■■;* * | Look before you sleep— you never know' What might be about. * *- * A fast girl on a pair of well-greased skates is the personification of swiftness. * * * There is generally a terrible lot of bounce attached to the girl who wears rubber heels. You can't beat the Cuba-street pirate for the. swift way he conies to elbse quarters with a clipper craft.,'. They say that solitary confinement m the Lyttelton Inferno has driven Alandale, the Amberley burglar, out of his mind. j.■. * . * * Not generally known that an official of the Society for* the Prevention of Crucltv to Animals is authorised to arrest any human brute for gross cruelty. * * ■■ •. * Four new Chows arrived ncr the Moeraki on Wednesday. That roe: i :; £400 for the Government .'coffers. The misery thc four will cost to ihk white community cannot be estimated. J * *' . * There is some sort of consolation to be derived from the fact that though the price of bread, butter, milk, and meat arc on the increase, a pint of beor can be | procured at the usual" price. A correspondent from Blenheim wants to know what the police are dping m that town to allow drunkenness, on the Sunday He says sailors come there and experience little difficulty m getting paralytic. * * . * He married a telephone girl,, and entered the bridal •■' ' search of her. "Are you there, darling ?" 'he asked. "What number, please," she repeated,, absent-mindedly. .- LHe. has teen wondering ever, since how many other fellows darling she has been. ! *■" * * • "Truth is still being inundated with complaiuts about the free photo . fakers. All that can -be said is that if the public arc willing to be rooked, good luck to tho frauds. There a?e none so blind as those who will not sec, none so deaf as those who will not hear. * * * A wowser m England has been sentenced to one year m ■ quod for pretending to be an Anglican missionary when he wasn't. That chap was Muggins. If he wanted to run a mission swindle why didn't he come to Wellington and float a joint on his own. He would have been one more • star m the great and good philanthropic circle. * , ■ ■ * • A prominent politician is said to have created a sensation at a recent banquet by quoting a queer, toast :— "To ,the happiest days of my life ; Spent m the arms of another man's wife." • The looks of astonishment suddenly died away when he added the words— "My mother's." * * * \ Pious Quack Stanton, sent up to Lyttelton Inferno for imposture, was ordered by Judge Chapman to be kept apart from other prisoners, but, bless you. they never take notice of a Judge's injunction m Cleary's hell. .Stanton was the constant companion Si .the toughest cases m the Inferno, and it is feared the morals of the prisoners were contaminated by the intimacy. -. T * * ♦ The action of a signalman named Fisk of the Wairau bar m refusing to give the s.s. Opawa , leading lights m the channel is something the . Marine Department ought to take cognisance of. Fisk isn't over particular with the boats of other firms, and he seems to have a snout oh T. Eckford, who owns the Opawa. The Marine Department might find out something if enquiries were made. * * * It is up to the Railway Department to get a hustle dn at Lyttelton, where inward passengers from the north sit cursing for upwards of an hour, while the steamer vomits the luggage and sundries. The ordinary passenger train should be despatched to ChristcHurch immediately, followed later by a fast goods train. At present the officials seem to be seized with the sleeping sickness or the tired feeling mentioned m the quack medicine advertisement. ** ' * A, giddy Christchurch undertaker is busy making the usual explanation ,to his missus about his flirtation with a voluptuous female of his acquaintance. The appointment was made by telephone, and as. the ghoul happened to be away planting a stiff, or measuring the stun for a wooden suit, the wife glued her ear to the receiver, and replied in' a deep contralto voice, to the wanton's invitation to come and sin m her cosy corner. There was a hot time m the.corpse-mauler's house that night. * ' ♦ * When miserable married persons, parted under summary separation enactment, make up the row and cohabit again, the circumstance of cohabitation is sufficient m Itself to' cancel any order of maintenance made against the husband ; so that if the missus once more rejects her temporary reinstated spouse she can't sue under the old order. William Lawrence was said to have run into arrears to the extent of £15 m supporting his crass widow at Chxistchiirch, and proceedings were instituted against him. Lawyer Donnelly however, put Lawrence m the box to prove that the lady, whose name is Louisa, had taken hubby to her heart four months before Christmas, and the twain had since enjoyed a second honeymoon. In the circumstances, Bishop, S.M., cancelled the order.

The man who burns the candle at both ends usually makes a terrible mess of the' carpet. • ■■•:* ' * Woodhey, Taitoko, Diamond S/tar - and North Head are very well treated* m the different handicaps ■ at' Ellerslie to-day. ** ' * A councillor not far from Wanganui recently announced that he was not "agnostic" to a motion before the Council. Such a declaration is calculated to make Bob Ingersoll turn m his grave. * * * On hearing -of the disqualification of a I iockey recently, a wag sent a collect wire as follows : "Are you prepared to pull Webb m six months' time. 1 ' The reply» is unprintable. ! ■ * . * * The refusal of the crowd to give up reserved seats at the recent Pollard performance m Blenheim is responsible for a- lot of harsh remarks m that town. As a Magistrate showed the crowd a bad exampJc by refusing to make room wh°n asked, ' the crowd got unruly-. ,Bleuheim will make a name for itself vet. * * * ■■ Although an Anti-Asiatic League has been formed m Feilding. another Chow has started business there. Managwcka has been invaded •at various times by the almond-eyed Johns, but have met with a strenuous boycott, and have fold[cd their tents and stolen away. Mangaweka has not yet "the sign of the cross." * * * — . The Earl of Crewe (Lord President of the Council) and Lord Tweedmouth (First Lord of the Admiralty) have bean created jtnights nf the Garter and of the Thistle respectively. Why not the other wav about ? Tweedmouth could spruikins: do. For. surely 'tis the Admiralty Should have the early-crewc. * * * A Taumarunui reporter got some copy the other day. He witnessed a cow fall over a cliff at Rangaroa, a distance of 150 ft. With hair on end and open notebook, the pressman followed the cow (by a safer route, it is said) expecting to find a mass of inert beef. But the cow was quietly munching the Tass at the foot of a ti-tree clump, wearing a mixed look of cleverness and surprise. * ' • * .'. . Probably to show" his contempt for the police, a fisherman named Henry Titshall used the wheels of a cab standing outside the Lambtbn Quay Police Station as a urinal last Saturday afternoon. Bilt the blue brigade didn't look on matters m quite the same light, so dragged him inside. As the tiddlcy Titshall owns a wife 'and six kids, Mr Riddell,. S.M., let hirri off with a fine of two quid, or fourteen days'. . ' * > * * < A strange and most unusual manifestation of a sudden attack of lunacy on the part of a young woman 26 years of age, residing at South Spit occurred recently (s.ays the "Westland. Times"). She walked from her home m Hokitika m a semi-nude condition, wearing only a single garment, but encountering, the police she , was promptly taken m char.cc and medical aid was summoned. The necessary legal forms having been arranged, she was' committed to Sea View Mental Hospital. ••* * * Waikanae now goes into hysterics when the word "tourist" is mentioned. Some ten months ago an English tourist happened on the township, and stayed to do a little fishing. But the charms of the neighborhood and also those of a white slavey m the district enthralled him, and he. stayed. Love's young dream was sweet, and the- haw-haw gent, had a real good time, bai iove. After about six months the festive tart got m an interesting condition. . Tears and recriminations of course followed.' and eventually the" tourist parted with a hundred quid and 1 left hurriedly for parts unknown. The- other day the girl gave birth to a i bouncing boy, but wouldn't that gay Lothario of a tourist go on the rampage and whisper words if he only knew that the , aforesaid boy is o! an undeniably ebony hue ? Hence Waikanae's grins. *■ * * Pritchard, Blackball envoy, was illustrating his remarks m Cathedral-Square, Chrjstchurch, with a yarn of an old woman who felt awfully sick on s.s. Rottenbanana, and mentioned the fact m a , strong Scotch accent. A young man lying down beside her got up and said—. What the young man said couldn't be heard above the raucus laughter from a thousand throats. The speaker was visibly disconcerted. "Of course, being seasick, the auld ladee wad thro' hersel' doon onywhere," he explained, but the explanation only made matters worse, and the hilarious laughter surged wildly round the Godly statue. "She was a verra auld ladee," he hazarded, with conviction ; but the ' crowd broke out m a fresh place and there was not one present but believed that the old lady had been guilty Of something dreadful with the young man. After all, Pritchard wanted the young man (who was puking with violence) to say, "Do you think I'm doing this for fun?'? * * * The bitter curse of an outraged family rests uppn an East Christchurch publican, who is herewith sentenced to seven years' . bad luck for his sins. An old woman, past eighty years, is bitten with the beer habii m her declining years to the pained surprise and annoyance of her respectable connections. She has been served with no fewer than seven bottles m a day by the pig-heacTed publican aforesaid, who places his thumb to his nose and extends his fingers m a derisive manner, when requested to dock the old lady's allowance. the white-haired inebriate is wallowing.- m disgraceful scenes, of debauchery and has sunk into a condition of a most revolting kind. This is. the sort of thing that would seeni to justify, the fanatical prohibitionist m his howl for the dreary dryness of a beerless void, and prejudices the reputable pumppuller m the eyes of the. world. If the practice of serving the ancient female with liquor is -not discontinued forthwith the name, address and general piggishncss of the. purple publican will be published m next issue.

We'd put down horse-racing, yet we get more "morals" there than any other place. ..■"■* ... * *. The modern- prodigal son has the calf served up to him m the front tow of the stalls. * * * Few men reach fifty without being grateful they did not get the woman they wanted. ■•*;■■ * * , The modern woman gives the Husband the honeymoon and takes the rest of the life for herself. *« ■ * Before the wiles of a pretty girl a man first loses his head, then hfs heart, and winds up by losing his liberty. * * * There are two ways of going wrong— there's the quick way and the slow way. The result, however, m both cases, is the same. / * ♦ * A Melbourne inventor has patented a device which he calls an "office tickler." What's the matter with the fair typewriting girl ? * * * "Critic" hasn't heard the voice of the prohib. pointing out the splendid place Inyercargill is under No-License. Evidently murder doesn't count. * * ♦ The seeds of sciatica and are usually set m rrian and maid during courtship. They will go canoodling m damp parks and paddocks. * * * When a motor race is m progress do not cross the track. You might hurt the feelings of the chauffeurs and die before you have time to apologise. * * * Single eyeglasses are prohibited m the German army. Even if a soldier has only one defective eye he. must use a pair of glasses. Apparently the German officer doesn't say "Haw." * * * Now that Miss Robinson has ended her career with a four years' stretch for perjury, what is going to happen to the "powers behind the throne?" Surely, it means jifc for them ? * * ♦ A negro's skull is believed to be harder and thicker than a white man's, owing to the early exposure •of African children -to the heat of the sun. Anyhow, his hide isn't thicker than some m Wellington. * * •- Ballotting for candidates \ for public offices dates back to the classical ages. In ancient Greece the people had a way of "shelling" a troublesome man out of the city. Here m New Zealand they make him a J.P. \ * * • Cynicism as often as not is a kind of collective modesty. There are people who think it is as immodest to claim virtue for humanity as to claim it for themselves. This is what religious people call the sense of sin. j ' A wise man will suffer any degree of physical pain m preference to mental anguish. It is one of the qualities of physical pain that it kills thought. The ascetic who flagellates himself does really "cure his spiritual agony. . * * * Snobbery is imperfectly defined as "meanly admiring mean things." It is just as often a quite respectable form of egoism — a desire to show m what esteem you are held by people of esteem. The disappointed and those who are insecure of their position are quite as prone to it as the vulgar. *• * * . The mapping of airship harbors is a new duty of the War Office. The map already made shows chosen hollows m woods at the foot of sheltering hillsides, and m deep gravels pits, where a balloon m distress may descend quickly, and lie protected from gales that may be sweeping over the exposed country. • * .* * A strange objection to the renewal of a license was taken at Bristol (England) the other day. It was stated that a barmaid had been seen kissing the customer I and on another occasion had sat on a ! customer's knee. The licensee's solicitor convulsed the Court by declaring that it was "simply Socialism up to date." The doctrine of the Socialists was to share everything with each other, and the barmaid was sharing the chair with the customer ! As to the gentleman who had kissed her, he was coming down to her level ! The argument was convincing and the license was renewed. I * ♦ * , An awful case comes from Waiouru, where a dirty fellow named William Larrabee pleaded guilty to many acts of * criminal nature on his daughter of 17. Her evidence went to show that matters had taken place over a long period, commencing when Bbc was between eight and nine years of age, at Langdon, Canada ; High River, Caaada ; Chicago, U.S.A.; Wellington, and Waiouru. She alleged that she made no complaints before on account of threats being made towards her by her father to shoot her if she told. . Her mother had been dead for 12 years, and she had neither sis.ter nor brother living. Larrabee was to have been sentenced last Saturday, but owir" to some flaw m the papers he was remanded for another week. ; * ♦ • Tram-car Conductor 322, whoever he is, is evidently looking for trouble. A few days ago a lady with a couple of young children alighted from a Kilbirnie car m charge of this person, at the foot of Kelburne Avenue. She was fairly quick, but not quick enough for his high-and-mighti-ness, who rang the bell while the second of the children was still on the footboard of the car. The youngster, of course, fell, but the woman grabbed him just m time to save him_ going under the wheels, while a- couple of foot-passengers hurriedly rushed towards the car. No. 322 had seen the whole thing, but it did not trouble him m the slightest. He did not even ring for the emergency brake when the boy fell. The sooner 322 learns what he's put on a car for the better for himself and his job.