THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 147, 11 April 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can '.lndaunfced brave the- Critic's rage ? Or nofe unmoved Uiamentkuiin tile Critic -Bpsae? Parade his erroi' in the puMlc-cye ? . . And Mother Grand y's rage defy?

Races are run m the usual course of "events." ■ * • ••..:■-.■:"■•.

Lawyers are not unionist-. They work for all ours. ''*'*'■

Horse-racing may <be course,' 'but it's by no means' vulgar. . " .-v

* . . - » .-«.'■ Tlie n.an m the D.T-.'s should ' be prosecuted for shaking. •a a"' »

It is usually the "rake" that "hoes" the most money.

The boodle stored m the Vatican is es-ime,<fced at £5,000.0. Q. Why is _fc stored? Apparently kept for a tainy day. -

The pedlar pest is making itself obnoxious m several parts of the eouuitry. As a rule the pedlar- is a forci.soier of a. -type b!K.>'n<p>mean? a credit to the eourttrv. New Zealand is A haqjpy bun^ng-ground for tlieOhow. and the {Syrian, but » barren rock to' tlie _Jr_tisji working-man, who nominally owns it.

Flaorragan, the Baxnum-like evanselist, reels o© this -kind jof rat a/b his lectures : "1 have heard of lets of mesa m New Zealand who lie m hed on a Szmday morning and .'jtuve their breafcfast taken to fehein, but ii I were tJieiar wife or landlady I would strike against it." it is to be bop-' ed hss own vsp-fe will heed this remark and the advice.

Magistrate Turnbull was, while having a bath at a Stratford hotel, recently robbed of his gold watch and chain. It 3 a. a valuable timepiece, having been a present to his grandpop and handed down to grandson, rwho is getting well on m years. Thieves don't seem to tespeet persons, even beaks ; but maybe the prig reckons he is getting even. Magistrates shouldn't take chances and leave valuables lying round. Anyhow, if the thief is caughft he ought to Be left to Beak Turnbull to deal with. /

* Wellesley Club is a toffy sort of affair which is a hot-bed of sweating. It doesn't even feed its under-paid and hand-worked stewards, and if steward's- come within the category of waiters, Secretary Caxey ou m ht to get a move on and bring this toney afflair in the limelight of the Police Court. If "Cri-tic" Were a moralist he might have a lot to say on the gambling that goes on in lhis , club. No doubt the ,- police will do their dtrty by .shutting their eyes. Anyhow, let. -a hazard, or tworup joint start- But. then — ■ — • /' Auckland- possesses a bright specimen of the fallen female in the person of Noxah Williams. The haughty Koran, a couple of weeks ago, had 2100 convictions against her of -which 108 were for drunkenness. T'other day this lovely rib of Adam broke her third century with three more cpnvicttonSj for drunkenness, procuring liquor during the currency of a prohibition, order, and vagrancy. For the next two yeaTs Norah will have plenty of opportunity to meditate pri the harshness of this weary World, and to plan fresh jinks and offences new, if the "drunk" cure doesn't come off.

The police are kept very busy of late trying to run to earth rogues who palm off "Turaktnas," which, m the good old days, were worth five of the best and hrigbtesU The latest to make complaint of i eing rooked is a young lady whose k irtue isn't worth mentioning. She cooed successfully or . yras > o oed likewise, and her reward for b>r 'enderness was a "fin." . When ( 11, grey morning came, after h<-r h\ " *iad been swal lowed up m ? - ca * i-'e busy world, she disco vei"? 'a s'e had got a "I>irnkin(j.? ? la f -re, busings transact^ ■■<= Ou unless the coin has 9. nng <jr n.

No doctors live m - Kilmore-street, 'Ohristchur«b.

1 The Fatman wants to make New Zealand a wide man's country. The fires" of love, particularly m a cottage, -require a deal ol coal . this weather. ;.,'..

The editor of the '•♦Slilton Mirrox" recently had under Ms eye a mushroom that measured 11^ inches across, the stem being six inches m circumference. 1 That . editor wears specs surely. .

"Nash is innocent ; Nash, is gjuilt7 ; Nash is a' saint; Nash is a fallen angel"-— so the ea__eersa__mers jig him up and down.-. In the meantime the -Anglicans don't 'know where they are, wirfle the Victorian public are getting heartily sick of the whole scandal.

Drunks at Dargaville have been creating sensations os> late by falling into the tame old river and allowing other people to make heroes of themselves by saving life. Drunks at Du-gavilie do many dilly fiiiap-s, but flopping into the river is something new, and speaks ' volumes for the power of the local beejr. <

A Bible-banger m a northern 'Baptist church on Sunday hung his sermon on the quest-ion, ''Will a man rob. God ?" ' "Critic" does not know for certain, the question ol omnipotence intrudfrig, but he would strongly advise the celestial coppers to keep a wowser oir. two that he wots of under supervision.

Ararat (<Vic.) haroors a sorrowful contractor. This individual has the contract for supplying mi-Ik to the local hospital, but milk has up m price, while typhoid fever patients arc - numerous m the hospital, the profits {there are none.- The other day he asked the committee to share his loss, and fervently prayed for the -iwretly recovery or happy deaths of the patients.

' China will probably he interested m the . news that Lionel T Q .rry is now housed. 4n Lyttelton Gaol, ' m the room which he formarl/ occupied. Tlte room, which is comfortably fur-r nashed, and provided with a bed and fireplace, has been solemnly gazetted ft meatal' hospital. Terry is practically controlled by the Stmnyside Asylum authorities, and is to be re.guiarly visited by a doctoi from there. It is probable that Mr Cleary, Governor of the. gaol, will be gazetted superintendent. Three warders have been appointed to ' look after him, two for the daytime, aiad the other for night,

A few evenings ago a couple of local pressmen who rather pride themselves on their voices, sang "The Larboar_ Watch" in*o a gramophone receiver. Nearly half-way through the song a slight difficulty occurred, and m the heat of the moment some slanguage was used. A few minutes later they took the record into another room m which the wife and three sisters of one of the scribblers were sitting, and started the thing going. The first few bars went very well., and the two inkslingers were just preparing, themselves for congratulations when a hitch occurred m the music apd this conversation came out of the machine: "It's your b fault." "What b- — rot, it's yours." There are now strained relations m the hitherto happy home.

It may be his name, or merely his tempierament, but when a fair young man named Sam Lumb Graham eets a few Ohristchucch beers m a lunatic asylum is sensible beside him. Lasttime his ill-balanced brain tilted to starboard it refused to right itself, and the victim made a heroic attempt on Ms own life. After spending a period with Lionel Terr^ he was brought before Magistrate Bishop, who spoke to him with severity, and let him. off with a caution. Sain. Lumb wasn't long liberated, however, before he took charge of the Salvarmy Band and wanted to climb up to heaven on the rornet. His microscopic brains were found floating m •a sea of beer, when search was instituted at the Police Station, and Beak Bishop sent him down to fight ! with Cleary's iice for fourteen days.

William Cummings, sixty-five years old, had quite an enjoyable little spree during the week. He came into town from the country- to knock down a cheque, and managed to get down to hi_ last threepence by Monday evening last. By this time he was pretty full of staggerjuioe. About mid-night he wandered into a house m Dixson-street, occupied by Mr George Haskell. There he displayed an overwhelming antipathy to a table m the sitting-room, and tried to knock tlie corners off it. He was disovered after he had done twelve bobs' worth of damage, and handed over to the police. Unfortunately for Cummings, ho had previously been convicted of being .legally on premises. This time Mr W. G. Riddell, S.M.. handed bim out three months hard for being a "vug.." nnd fourteen days concurrent for damagI me the table.

Many a -man who takes a run up the mountains comes back to town very, run down.

It's not what are the wild waves saHng,.no.w. _ It's what are - wailed wives saying.

Will somejbody please, invent a ,drink that will stimulate, exhilarate, but not o__usticate ? '

The "All Red" mail route is so called because of the sanguinary swear words that are used along it. No kid !

The egg market, according to latest reports, is firming. This is bad news for ifttendinK Parliamentary candidates. < v a a

A. girl named Honey got switohedup the other day. Now she's l gone looking for the moon. It's a wonderful tlung— astronomy !

The Americans, owing to their; glutted market., are dumpmg hops England, and the men of __ent N are on the hop accordingly.

Is your chauffeur a "gump ?" A gump is the Yankee fpr a chauffeur, who tries to pose as the owner of the car In his master's absence.

Often. When matrimony is committed, the old "saw" requires a fresh "setting." F'rinstance, "Two souls who re both a shingle short," etc. » * »

Carnegie has given 122,500,000,000 dollars to scholastic institutions, libraries, charities, etc. The billions have ail been made from steel. Yes, s-t-e-a-1.

Said that a well-known town traveler lor a big Auckland firm has done the Pacific slope. His defalcations run into four figures.

Th« oableman is getting humorous. A cable $n Friday stated that Sous-tr-alian Premier Tom Price inspected the Bristol docks and cold storage, and had a warm reception.

At last they've broken the world's egg -laying record m- South Australia, whioh probably accounts for the great cackling that took place on "Critics* family hen-roost the other night. He was quite sure that a thief had been on the premises until he picked up the papers next morning- • • ■•

The announcement that the Yankee fleet is to visit New Zealand will doubtless be responsible for a wild outburst of enithusiasm. But some of the gilt is taken .from tlie gingerbread by the statement that the fleet can coal there. It's the coal tfnele Sam wants, not New Zealanders.

In Russia, they have an eye chamber. A suspected person is kept m a lighted room and an eye is continuously peering at him through a spy-hole. Every movement oi 1 the suspect is watched by the ever-pres-ent, vigilant optic, and the ordeal hns. sent men and women mad. In Wellington they have a ''file room." otherwise known as an inquisitorial chamber. In this place, men arc detained, seated on a chair, kept awake all night, and pressed to incriminate themselves.

A. Carterton man, who has been airing. . his views to a Wairarapa paper, has just discovered that "the Maoris . have degerated^— you can see them- .crow moire and ■ more cumbersome and unsightly every day. What they want is work, exercise, and less food." And his white conqueror slaves his guts out 1 for barely enough to keep himself and family on, while the nigger squats on his land and watches his paunch crow bigger as his "master" feeds Mm.

The other day a city man met a country frieufl. whose radiant face {betokened hiekv times ahead. '''Why this exuberance ?*' he asked. "Oh, haven't you heard?" Well, a supposed uncle Of mine died a generation ago m London, worth half a million, and the agent reckons, t'ye got a sure claim." "How much have you paid him ?" "Only a fiver so far ; you don't think the man can work for nothing, do ybu ?" "Bookmakers can't pick up money so easily as that." "Garri," you're a pessimist," said the hopeful one, cutting short the conversation . The crop of mugs is as plentiful as usual.

Every hotel assistant m New Zealand must according to Law, get a half-holiday once a week, and take it Recently the Grand Hotel, Auckland, being full of guests, some of the waiters -were told \bv the head waiter that if they i-arcd to return on the day oi their >'ff-h.oliday and wait during the evening dinner-hour they would be paid 5s extra, as provided by the award. Three waiters desirous of earning extra money did return, and the inspector of awards, learning of this, took proceedings against the hotelkeeper. who was convicted and ordered to pay Court costs. Tho magistrate held that as, there was no provision m the Act empowering either employer or employee to enter into a contract outside the Act, neither could do so.

When the Kaiser sines it's a warbill.

The polo pony at times is but a-polo-gee. . . . . .

If a- man could only get to Sheol' with an ice-cream cart; what a roaring business he could- do.

People who live m glass houses should pull dowh the blinds when getting into their, dream robes. *• * *

When an ardent youth hangs un his hat to a pretty damsel he doesn't necessarily drop his tile on the nearesst peg.

A^ chap writes to me asking if the s Deviil is a married man. "Bunno" for certain, but should say so ; on the same lines as the Shah of Persia.

When a strange damsel looks at ybu with side glances then sighs gently and drops her dreamy eyes, it is a sure tip that no introduction is necessary.

The accounts received of the expedition to th© Antarctic reads as if it were a picnic got up for the benefit of bookwriters and lovers of poetry. Meanwhile the rank and file will have to do all the bullccking amid the ice, and not even have their- names mentioned. They are no class, doncherno.

It is amusing to read from day to day of the number of Russian military men that arc being sent into exile. If a similar plan were followed by the Japanese, and both parties were "exiled" to Port Arthur, ee--ad they could fight their battles o'er again. And' tfrere'd be more than enough of them to do it.

It is wonderful the alacrity with which a solicitor who is winning a case is willing to allow a reporter to peruse his notes of evidence. But let the same legal light be on the losing side, and the smile is transformed into I'tgubtfiosity*. He is not so particular then *f his surname is spelt wrong, or if the report. of the case is unpublished.

Mrs Townsend, an American woman, is now roaming the world m search of a perfect husband, but ud to the time of this issue sroing to press had not succeeded m her ouest. The story goes on to say that the plucky woman hafs been married 14 times already, aod is now on %he eve of taking her fifteenth plunge., Better luck next time, ma !

GO TO FATHER 1 He asked her to wed, Go to father, she said, Now she knew that he knew that her

. father was dead, And she knew that he knew the life

he had led, *■•'■- So she knew that he knew what she meant when she said, "Go to father!" * . . • *

When a Magistrate brow-heats a witness, if the latter be no notice is taken. But let the Bench utter, a sentence that wounds the sensitiveness of a vainglorious bounder that imagines himself the salt of the earth, and then wait; for the revulsion m other quarters. The fairer the Magistrate, the more liable he is to encounter hard knocks from the snobbish cliques.

There is a "Pan-Anglican Congress" being held, or about td be held, m England, and the daily press make' frefqaient mysterious references to it. The average man does not know w-ba. a "Pan-Anglican Congress" is, and he wonders if it is m any way connected with a fryinig-pan. This theory is strengthened by the fact that m Victoria of late- things Anglican have been jumping out of the frying-pan into the fire.

Some of those abominable agitators m the Big Smoke, who will persist m asking for food for starving millions, have recently been chucking off at the fact that the bishop of London wears a massive overcoat worth .50 soys. They forget that the Loard tempers the v wind for.Woolly fleeces . and, anyhow, I>he bishop said the starvli-ngs are barking up the wrong wattle. He never paid a cent, for the coat. He cadged it, and he Who givath to a bishop giveth to the Loard.

A sea-faring chap, who was up m Manila during the war, tells a joke. One of the American officers, .iust from the battlefield, came to his cabin as his ship was lying; m the harbor. He invited the Yank to stay to dinner, and the warrior immediately unbuckled bis sword and made 1 himself comfortable. The cook of the boat was an Irishman just from County Clare, and he picked un the sword and drew it from Ihe scabbard, nnd, to Ms .-niazcment and horror, discovered it was as rusty as a piece of hoop iron.* "Faith, sorr," ho ejaculated, "it's a cloning you should give this wippon sure ; wh v if you cut a poor devil m halves with this blade he would die of blood poisoning."