THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 142, 7 March 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can nnaatintedbra.vet]ie;Ci-iiib's rage? Pr.note uninovea liia meation iutlia Critic's page? Parade his error in'tho public eyo?,' „'" And Mother Gmndy's rage d'efv? • ' Bunk-em? Sleep. ' '....-' %^| ; A lap-a-dairy ? ' Try the cat. Scull-dragging ? Boat racing. •A piip-pet show ? Going ' to the dogs. ■• v . /■■' . •■.■•' * ' : ■■•■•. Its an ill-wind that blows a man into a. pub. • * .* ' ■ .' ■■•■ : ' ; ■■ ■ • ' Proper sorter mcii— The most expeditious at the G-.P.0. *• • • The most strenuous paperchase to i be witnessed is when a man drops a fiver during a high. wind. ■ ■- • • Thirty-one boys "employed ■■■ at the brass foundry of . Messrs John Danks and Son, Bluckfriars, Sydney, , have struck for higher, wages. Appropriate, very ! Striking for ; more brass. . • • • ■ . ■ • Tables last week told of.. the anarchist on the altar, and one. ''Dominion" heading was ( 'A Priest Shot.'! "Critic" blushes to think of the awful consequences had the unfortunate father been a Bishop. ! • V • A Miss Jnkster, of Wanganui, has earned her Bachelor of, Spierice IJni-; vcrsity degreq. "Inkster,H as ' a name, couldn't be mote appropriate, unless it was "Penster.'' But why not scie^eev^'^anywary ? ' .There is one innocent soul at aiiyrate m G-isbprne. A visitor to -the town t'other day , observed that the chi^f industry seemed to be "shikker." "Oh, no," said one of Jimniy Carrol"s constituents, f'the chief industry is wool." ■:■"•■.' .. • • * * The Maori Tohunga is a kind of .bush Baptist who dips the community m a creek fox every kind/ of ill. A girl named Kake was immersed up Hnkerehui way, and died s : hortly after from inflammation of the lungs. A charge of murder occasionally would discourage Tohiungaism. ■•* » . ■The man with the hose is a regular visitor to the Thomdon tram-waiting room, and no doubt, it is because it is a toney Quarter that so much attention'is given.- If a man with a pencil-eraser was sent along he could do a lot of good. Likewise, if, any pf the filthy-minded )brutes who pencil •obscene and ribald jokes, and verses on .the walls were laid for and punished severely toney Thorndon would be still, better off. . ,' . . : Mixed bathing is fashionable at Napier^ but do chances are taken after .dark. Two, dressing-rooms for ladies and gentlemen ;, are -erected on- the: :beach ,at. the. Port and have roller blinds attached to hide the view from the curious. Those rooms are, hpwever, dismantled when the sun sinks m the, west, and love-birds are sternly forbidden '"to go near the rpoms. ..What a delightful after-dark nest the d*essing r robms would make, to be sure,' but as u Critic" observed no chances are taken. '•■••■■>• ■ v The Socialistic doctrine propounded by many labor organisations was considered at the annual meeting of the Auckland Slaughterman's Union, held the other night, and compared by one of the speakers to-" "some o£ our modern sections of religionists, who desired to Christianise the heathen Chinese and neglect .the heathens round their own doors." The !:;- Gpming committee was r.dvisod to keep an eye strictly to busicuss and an advance ■m wages and to refrain from bJather. about the universal ; brotherhood of man. *•. • . A correspondent intoirms "Truth" that Wellington Painters' Union isn't a very particular labor organisation, an'tl, like the North-street courtesan, f'Let^'em all come !" Jlopeless incompetents have oeen taken on by the bosses, and covered their awfulness by joming the. union; then ..they sign for ids a- dayi'and secretly >accept Bs, and . thus undermine the operations . of the Union, whose primary object it is* to raise wages. The white-lead brigade should put its brush down on this sort of thing, and shouLd discourage the "flying gang" and the "electric painter'- who go like Webb all day and scamp their work to a dishonorable extent. Some, of the distempering which lias passed the architect m soraje of Wellington's swell new buildings;, would disgrace the person who earns: a humble crust white-washing the country co.W-slieds. Some bosses use benzine and kerosene instead of turps, because they are cheaper.-, and the result is inferior work. Tho Painter's Union wants reorganising.

"Always 'hard pushed— the bicycle. ; • ■■..;••.-• ■■.'■' . ' ':'• •' ■ A mellow drachmef ? The chemist. '• • •■■.-•"■' A cue-weary ? The tired billiardist. •■ • •."'. An ink-convenience ? The blotting pad. < ■■ • . . # • ■ Hole-us-bowl-u$ ? English cricket matches. • * • T^Kidnapping ? Baby m the cf adle^- :: -sometimes. ' V:' ' • •-■'■••■ Wihen is a bird hot a bird ? When it's a "poisin." • ' ! . ... = ■ :. x '. *'-" : • •■, .• :■ /T^wj . : /Nowcastle has-been, sculler,. "JDick" T.residder, has secured em-, ployment at Wanganui. and will-not-.return to CoalopoHs for a couple of ; years. A Tamworth publican advertises : .''Lani -different to all other, hotelkeepets'; I don't keep the best brands of spirits ; I sell them." He should" alter the name of his house "to. the George Washington, ' and take the pledge. • • • ■ \ •- Jiu-jitsu has died a natural death m this part of the planet. Some time ago a big seotlon of Wellington young men cauglit the craze and were practising grips on all and sunf dry, including their best girls. Seemingly, our young bloods have decided to rely upon their bunches of fives to get them out of any fix and jiujitsu has been relegated to Japland, the home pf its birth. ■ ' * ■ The unsophisticated stranger should be careful of what he says m Napier. T'other evening while wandering ainv lessly through Napier's main thoroughfare, a stranger, accompanied -by a friend who knows the Hawke.'s Bay capital, essayed the r'em^rk >th'at' he was m the Chinese quarters when he heard the skirl p' the pipes. Ifancy .takin^vthe^s.traittAQfifthe^b^K^piijg^f^ a Chinese fiiddle. What would'happ^h m Dunedin at an unfortunate remark. Why' even the Kirk Would kick. .. ■ . • '■..'«-- The leading self-invited guests of a New Plymouth surprise party made coffee for the gathering without female assistance and used ilie baby's cough mixture, which had tieen put; m the cqffee essence bottle. The par-' ty wasn't an entire success. The insane surprise savagery is a of the dark ages when surprisers supported their self-inivitatipn with a club, and the madness will probably be prohibited by law after x some lunatic has handed round arsenic m mistake for a cool drink. •'' • " • The question <f tinxaCe is a cryinp; one m, the United Free Church of. Scotland, writes a .religious', journal. .The constant decrease pf the stistentation fund and .tKe reduction of the dlqual dividend, is, causi-ng %he Free Church . section, at least, graven anxiety,. .This is really, a serious matter. If Scotland is going to hang, on, to the bawibees like its thrifty forefathers the Kirk' will go by the board and Calvin's .hell wilbyawn for the parsimonious ones. What is saxpence when compared with eternity ? LOOK WHO I AM ! It's amusing- at times to see the maudlin, sickly, slobibeting style m Which, when a solicitor's client is dismissed, the limb of the law will slowly bow his head till 'his forehead > almost strikes the table, as .he exclaims, '.'Thanlc you, your Worship.-"; It's sickening, m the extreme, the idea pf the lawyer ■ being- to Mfcid" the unshaven crowd /at the : back that "His Worship" dismissed the accused person, simply, to . oblige the lawyer. An "He'll-do-iaaiything-for-me" look overspreads the face of the legal shark. •.* ' • • "One of the most bigoted proposals; that ever came before a free community,"- said the Rev. P. B. Fraser, m leading . off the Otago Education Board's condemnation pf the department's proposal to institute a uniform set of school bpoks. "It arises from a well-known section that want to get their own ideas into the minds of a future generation— either that, or it is meaningless." Why is your parson always found opposing Progress with fists, teeth and both feet ? Probably because he is a parson. As for bigotry, what could be more bigoted than the Otago howl against ,the use of the same books ' iri'ght throughout the Dominion ? Religious intolerance is a' broad-minded principle beside it. ■•• ■ - ■ An elderly, person named Alexander Cameron was arrested m Auckland recently on a charge of kissiig little girls. Cameron's method v<-ss to buy the youngsters sweets then to take osculatory exercise on their countenances. ' Complaints had reached, the police about the nftan and his penchant for hanging around schools without reasonable explanation. Sergeant Henry remarked to the Magis^ tratc that tampering with little childLen was becominp; far too frequent. At every sittiner of the Supreme Court men were charged with that sort of thing, which often led to the girls' ultimate ruin. A fine of £5 and costs was imposed, m default 14 days,'" on Mount Eden.

A. good boundary, fence makes a good •'• • • • ! "Outlaws" and buckjumping horses generally are shy. •• - • The cricket -bat nowadays is mightier than the sword. • ' ' • . . ■ • Waipukurau "Press" published a special night" edition announcing the victory of Tresidder over Webb. Waipukurau "will" never "forgive the miscreant who pulled its editor's leg by Wire. • * * "The error some people make," says the religious column of an Auckland paper, "is to identify meekness •with weakness." When wifey wears •the trousers, for instance, hubby's meekness' doesn't necessarily indicate want of backbone on his part. -. * « v The Rev. W. Latter has taken over the- Anglican parish at Paparoa. When the reverend gentleman collects his harp and wjngs, his widow might marry a Mr Former, when singularly enough Latter would become 'her Former husband, and Former would be her Latter venture.. • ■ ■ • * • What greedy grab-alls the U.S.S. Co. are. Passengers to Auckland via Napier and Gisborne who desire to land at the latter place have to pay two bob to go ashore on the Co.'s tender. Its out for the boodle afl the time is this capitalistic concern and > cargo to it is sacred ; its human freight mere ballast. • * ♦ There is a fish shop m Willis-street nearly opposite the "Evening Post" office, that cries aloud to high heaven and Jimmy Doyle, or whoever it is that looks after these things to come along and take a hand: The ■fish stinlcs like hell and the blowflies and common flies and other flies b/uzz round the open window m We lust' direct the attention of whatever person looks after the health of the city to this shop; arid would like to have his opinion as to the particular brand of perfume that emanates .therefrom. The Wowser Conference at Auckland expressed extreme anxiety at the steady abandonment of the habit of putting 3d m the plate at the weekend. A person named Slade said there was reason to believe that the masses were more than neglectful o£; the Churches— they; were positively antagonistic t« them. "The workers have gradually some to identify the churches as institutions with tho privileged classes who have so. long secured for themselves most of the advantages and comf osts of life. They think that the churches have always' been on the side of the big' battalions, of the capitalist and the- land-owner, of the manufacturer, and -of the monopolist." According to •Slade, this is a mistaken, .notion ; yet Slade and brethren continue to dine with the. rich and preach to the poor; • • / ■ . • •■•• . • ' ' There is a bum show peregrinating the IJawke.'s Bay district which deserves to be blown right out. It's, run by a bloke named' Smith, who; use's 'the name of West to boom the. •pictures he shows, and thus travels under false pretences. He was threatened' with annihilation at Gdsborhe; the' 'other night, and ' how he was stood at Napier is a mystery. The worst ]of Smith's dirty bum show ■business' is that he gets ahead of a real 'live moving picture concern and the 'result is that when a genuine, show comes along it is a frost, show-goers believing they will be had again. '"Critic" saw Smith's awful fake at Napier t'other evening and would like to print what several of the audience had to say about it, but".' He can't. ; Anyhow, these re•mai'fts ought to serve to act as a warning' to country people who should .be prepared to smother any-; .body named .Smith when he comes along with a crook show that thrives on another show's . reputation. mm* The bookworm on Otago "Daily Times"- has brutally shocked the paper ? s Presbyterian readers by publishing Professbr Macauley's condensed comments upon -poet Thomson's episode of "Damon and Musidora>" The Professor remarks >- u yThe subject of bathing introduces a sfecond ■ episode, the story of Damon anil Mnsidora, of a lover who, m the concealment afforded by a hazei copse near -a stream, sees his- mistress m the heat of the day unclothe herself, and- bathe, and then, "Checked at last by love's respectful modesty," retires from his post, first throwing down on the bank a writing which indicates Ms identity. Startled' by the- sound of his retreat, she flies "•to -find those robes which blissful E)den\ knew not," and arrays herself m them" m haste, but when at length she 1 Teads the paper and recognises Damon's hand her terrors vanish. Finally, she leaves on an aged beech tree an' inscription which' admits that his feelings are returned, and urges him' ' to be still discreet as now ; eventually, perhaps, the time rrfn.y come when such extreme delicacy as he has shown may be unnecessary." The Dunodin paper is quite releegious too.