THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 137, 1 February 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

ii . .-.- ; — « . — Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved hismention m tlio Critic's po ge? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy' s rage defy ? ..';,, , *. . Never venture never sin. .- ■. # . • ■ • * » ■ : A penny spent means a penny went. '■"• * . ?■ V';. „/ V « ■ An artesian bore never bores a farmer these dry times. The price of timber has gone up. Rough, on those about to purchase wooden legs., .m• • . Christchurch "Press" lately misprinted it. "The North Island Grass Bands Association." • • .* ■'• 'Noted that when choir boys or girls leave, or get married, or something, they are mostly presented with bibles or • prayer-books— cheap old stuff the parson has m stock. Strange indeed • are the ways of a man with. a. maid, but i Q gentle reader,; has it ever struck you to corisider the ways of a maid with a man. That's what Solompn was really afraid to dwell on. '"',..' ~ . What a thirsty little spot Milton mu§t be. \ A bottle-oh -doing business m the village the other day gathered m 110 dozen of dead marines. - No-Jicchso is not wanted £ust now, tbank youi

There is a piece of road between .^at^o^--.-Quay'^nd''Tliq&efcfia^Esii)ri:il-'' ftade^at the City Council should saw. of and hire to the Miramar people for a switch-back. * * * It . appears that the Justice Department only pays the Christchuroh Samaritan Home trustees a bob a day for keeping habitual drunks. The Department couldn't estimate aman'or woman at a much lower rate, surely, « * ■ Prohibitionists please note ! An Xllord woman who used petrol to' cleanse her hair exhibited signs of intoxication shortly afterwards, and has been under medical treatment for ■some days. Here's something new tor swankers to sample. • • The men employed on the , Cambridge Post Office clock tower aren't allowed to irrigate during working •hours. They took the public.. into tlieir confidence t'other day by running a red flag up the pole and attaching a brown bottle thereto, with the terse inscription, "Dry .job.:" 31 * ♦ People used to worry ; thfemselves hoarse, and write to the papers aboutthe question: "Wirat tojdo with our boys?" They were a lot of pessimists those days. The young urchins m knickers can't be obtained now ; the available supply won't go round. \*•« ■ . • Kaiapoi (Christchurch) people are going ratty, with a vengeance. An unusual nunajber of- rats have been arriving there from somewhere or other lately, and mousers are m great request. The rats have started ili to damage property, and may get away with N the burrow cownsil's bank account. / * V • After listening to lectures on manliness, straightforwardness, crcrtness, moral character, and the like. a Stratford youngster sneaked out of the school building; arid' let down the' tyres of all the bicycles toe could find, and took away the fittings to prevent re-inflation. Is this the blighting influence of pure-boy BligU? ' • • * Wellington S.M. Court was puzzled on Wednesday when a little ■girl re-s ferred to "my platty hole." Enlightenment was thrown on the subject by learned- ,counse,l, who said it was a "placquc hole," and was the orifice whereat a woman buttoned up her skirt. "Some la-dies put their purses there," said the unblushing advocate, "and wonder why they lose them." • ■ • * ' There is a breed. of cow m Waimate which isn't very sure of its tail, j While milking a cud-chewer the own- ' er hatched the leg-rope on to its tail, arid after the profitable operation the animal bolted for the gate, leaving its caudal appendage behind. A daughter ,of this rumip-stricken beastie lost its fly-ipunisher m ! exactly the, same way ; m fact, the family has ox-tail for dinner most of the year, but the 'beauty of the herd, from a . rear view, is considerably impaired. , • ■ • • A wealthy person with a motah cah pulled into a Featherston cycle hospital last week, bought some benzine; had his odorous waggon attended to, was charged Is" Gd, and refused to pay. more than is. High words, followed, and the , / millibnaire, who boasted he could put his name to a £30,000 'cheftue, accepted an invitation to "come outside." First round! ended m favor of the tradesman, andl the haughty . person found reason and another sixpence. No extra charge was made , for the black eye. * . . • ■'.'•■ Numerous Christchuroh volunteers, sad to say, drill execrably.. It is very good of 'em to wear a uniform), of Bourse, but they should do their w.ork properly while they are inside it and are carrying guns m a friendly spirit. A prod from the rear while m rank might have the effect of straightening them up a bit. All the saluting business might be done m,uch better ;^it shouldn't be sold' over the. bargain counter at low rates. A salute is a salute all the world over— and' the world presumably includesChristchurch. Some of these amateur warriors make the salute with half-closed fists, as if they were picking bees oR the rims of their hats. N •. f * No syonder the temperance crowd rush hop beer down Timaru way and elsewhere. It's all right stuff, tyeing of a decidedly nature. Some of the liquid taken from- R. S. Pugh's shop at Timaru contained as much as G.G3 per cent, of proof spirit. Now, as the Act of last year defines hop beer as containing less than 3 per. cent., Pugh's stuff; was a bit strong. Peelers Regan and . Cudby liked it, anyhow. They had a couple of pints each on the first occasion and called three times afterwards. The gentlemen found that it had a beery effect on their blessed constitutions. Lawyer Raymond pointed out that plenty had drunk the swankey, but had felt no ill-effects. When costs were totted up Pugh found the case had cost him about four quid.

WhM,*h;|£^ "Critic" as ah improper #af comes from the "-D'ominion'si' sportingnotes : — '-'Petticoat did a short sprint down the back reeling. OS two furlongs m a trifle less than 25secs. M If Petticoat sprinted down m 25secs, how long would the time be m going up again? Ask us something easy. ' *■•■ . . ■ Tuesday, February 25th, has been definitely fixed to enable Webb and Tresidder to' settle their little waterwalloping difference for the championship of the world on the Wanganui. If Webb romps home that day, all the Wanganui damsels will doubtless rush to kiss the hero and bite bits of! his ears as mementoes. They're a decidedly enthusiastic crowd", these Wanganui girls, you know. » * « One has to go all the way to Sweutn to learn tha : t "m New ZeaJand there is a law which provides 'that anyone found drunk m the street shall be photog-niphecV a^ his own expense, and his photo sent to every hotel-keeper m. the .district m which hef resides. These photos are exhibited m the public bars.!' Anyhow, what a l roaring trade some phizcatchers would do if it only was true. i * « * The Chow is hard to beat. A party of fishermen caught one on a gold "dredge the other Sunday. He said he was fishing, and produced a fishing line all right, but the fact of his no fish, but instead a tin dish, 'pointed to the conclusion that it was gold fish he was " fishing for. Mthough there was nothing to proro his absolute guilt, he should have been booted overboard on general principles. * * * It is an astounding fact that one drunk only^ was run m after the rages on. Saturday last, and it is assumed that nobody had 6d to get squiffy on. The circumstance had au. unusual e3ect: pa. .the PpHce Court proceedings on Monday,: when cases of domestic infelicity were set down for hearing. The, principals m these informations didn't stroll into Court until id. 20 and found all the cases struck out for non-appearance. Unnecessary .allowance was made foj the usual long parade of shickered individuals who weren't arrested, and lawyers and their clients "fell m," for the Court rose at 10.17. Deaths from tirowning during the present, summer m New Zealand have been something enormous, m fact, the awful mortality ' earned for itself the name- of "the New Zealand death:" If swimming were part of the - curriculum of the State schools, many deaths would have been obviated, and if local governing bodies were to facilitate matters by procuring life-saving gear m the rivers they would do some good. ' Taihape .Swimming Club has set a very -.laudable example by purchasing a mammoth life buoy for the river to £ftd swimtmin'g students. Taihape ' doesn't often take the lead m anything, but it has got ahead 'of itself and other towns this time. •"■*'■■ * ■ • "A, poor devil named Arthur McPherson, who pays his rapacious landlord 12s a week for a tumiblcdown\tenement, told Magistrate Raddell recently thtit he was only ean> ing 30s a week, and had been practically laid up for nine months. However, he cheerfully offered to pay 5s a week for the support of his step-son, m Nelson Industrial School, which left 13s weekly for the support of his wife and^himself. Hbw the\ poor M)ve>! llf the] f at atndi c!omfort?able house-owiier were content with 5s weekly, which is all the hopeless dwelling is worth, McPherson and missus would have a whole £1 to live on. Yet superiah persons are surprised that the principle 'of Socialism is taking such a firm hold on the people. *♦ • > Is one whisky capable of inducing drunkenness and disorderly b\ehavior ? There is some chain-lightning refreshment that would, do worse than that, but as this particular wet was obtained at the Albert, and evidence was adduced m Wellington S.M. Court that the man wasn't sossled, it is assumed that the mountaiiv. dew didn't possess overproof virtue. The bobby who arrested Fred Butcher said -the man was shickered and annoyed three girls by walking fifty yards along the street m a vain but enthusiastic attempt to , get into conversation with them. Sub-Inspector O'Donovan also observed Butcher to be m a state of rowdy oblivion. Butcher said ho had only one drink, already mentioned, after which he played and won a game of billiards. Breaks- of 15 and 10 made by him weren't an indication of mental entanjrlemont, and the fact that, he was measured for a suit at Newson's m Manners-street told to his favor. Newson said Bu-tcher wasn't drunk, but the faint odor of the imprisoned whisky was perceptible on the atmosphere. These facts were submitted by Mr Dix, and as there appeared to • be a doubt, Magistrate Riddell. gave . Butcher the boaefit of it, alnd dismisssft the case.

-~.©r. -W. R. Hointingiton, a leading New York' clergyman, has comtpiled statistics showing that the . life of a murderer m the United States is more secure than that of a brakesmjan on the railway. * * • Strange how poor people, who just manage to' scrape along, invest' m pianos oh the time-payftient . system, giving Maggie and • Cissie and Dulcinea an opportunity to fill the atmosphere with noise, and make the dog m the adjoining backyard howl dismally. (Evening "Ghost" during the week mentions that a Jboy carrying "Posts' ? bumped into a tram m Willis-street, and.' escaped without injury. What i happened the car is not mentioned.' No doubt the boy was protected by j one of the leaders. <f * « One .of the greatest jokes m Hawke : s Bay ol Jate concerns the mislaying of a case of whisky, and the desperate efforts of the local police to locate it. The whisky was found m the Te Aute College kitchen, and the- headmaster now seemp sorry that he -spoke. , A hdidly-dressed mongrel named Michael Ruddy is a ruddy nuisance m Christchurch, He Rets tanked up and commits acts of indecency m a public place, no matter whb is passing by. He got three months the> other day for this 'bestial practise, and he has dona time for a similar thing previously. v * * * In years agone the Union Bank presented a strip of Lambton Quay land to the City Council, and the City Council very gratefully erected a urinal on it. That's rubfoing it m with a vengeance, "Anyhow, if the Municipality wants to be up-to-date, why doesn't it go m for underground privies. They're badly wanted m this village. * * « justices of the -Peace have Veen- 1 orndtted from, the list of- those authorised to fake or witness as valorem ■declarations. Importers at port towns find this an inconvenience, ancH have represented the matter to the Government. No doubt : but as the' Justices are importers themselves titoe Government don't want to place temptation m their way. v A stumpy cove m. old togs named Andrew Terns drifted into Christchurch this week for a wildi boozeroo and had got going fairly strong on his own when an officious constable nabbed 'him for having k too' much thirst. He appears -to have been such" an unpromising individual that the spielers left 'him severely alone. At the station, however, he passed out over sixty quid, which the- beak told him next morning to rush into bank. " - * * ■ * An erniinent brain specialist recently said that im a few years' time "motor maniacs would probably be found m large nunVbers m the asylums. The latest eyil caused by mjotoring is said to be an "automobile face." The 'nervous system can't last very long under the strain of tooting an autoniiob'ile, seventy miles an hour, says an American; contemporary. So it shows first of v all m the features. The automobile face N Has come to be recognised amfong the medical profession, and a darned ugly mug it is, too ! * * t* iSays a writer m the "Marlborougih Herald" on the subject of inaxetl bathing :— '" With the false modesty that shudders at both sexes bathing together I have no ptatience. Herein lies a safeguard that is only too obvious. Many accidents ■ might have been prevented if one of the sterner sex was at ' hand — not so much to add as to- inspire the confidence that m case of loss of nerve all would go well." There 'are at the few sea-side resorts around Wellington mean and J p,utrid minded men and womicn, who denounce mtixed bathing as something most immoral, but all the time envy those they rail at. Mdxed bathing to the pure and healthy mind is an invigorating sport,' which, if the Puritans held sway, would be punished as a crime. * ■-■ ' * , * Some persons leave old Hingland for their family's good, and Thomas Ord, a tall, broad-shouldered, deter-; m.ined-lookin'g, flaxen-haired person with a square chin and a chronic disinclination for work, is one of these. Ord gets adeqiuate remittances from the parental cheqaverbook to keep him m comfort out here, but, like many others of his tribe, he goes on a glorious razzlo upon receipt of each instalment and lies round m a state of destitution until the arrival of the next remittance. He has' been sleeping latterly m a truck near the ICilbirnie tunnel, and was taking, the open-air cur 3 when the police interrupted the programme. Charged with having insufficient lawful means of support, Ord remarked, with a bored expression*, "I'm not willingly a criminal, sir ;j the fact is I'm rather inconvenienced for money. lam willing to do any kind of work, if I can .get it." Magistrate Ritldell decided i to give Mm work for a inontb on i-he 1 bill. '

The first principle of Socialism' is to divide with your fellow man, and the next is to, make your fellow- man divide with you. * * • How is it that when we make an effort m the right direction it rarely counts, but. a step m the wrong direction always does ? * * ■• • In London and Europe, if the cable-, cram speaks • true, consumptive, pasients are being successfully operated on, and why not cure the lungs with surgery, seeing, the marvellous cures it effects on other wonderfully deli-, catq portions of human anatomy. *• ■ * Robert Caldwell, the terrified ancient who told such interesting fc.iry tales m connection with the Druc'e case, is getting "better. Poor old' wretch ; he furnishes another example'of the saying: "Whom "the bobbies want, the gods will not let die." « » m ! A French Count has been maltreating a French Prince, because he is about to marry the wife who had di- j vprced him (the Count) . The lady m i dispute. is one of the rich Yankee Goulds,' hence no doubt the desperation which induced the frog-eater to take to his fists. * * • An individual named Newhouse was prosecuted and fined -in the S.Ms. Court the other day for smoking on a train i platform.. Now, this isn't a crime, and it is alleged that Newhouse was singled out by an officious individual to bear the burdens of other smpkers' sins. Wihy, anyhow, was Newho'usc selected as a subject for prosecution, while others were not even spoken to./? *• * * The designs for the Victoria bridge, recently opened at Cambridge, were drawn by a Jap engaged m a consulting engineer's office m Kansas City, U.S.A. So." pleased is the fawning, C-aoibridge Council,. * tltat; shoves itself on its collective! 'belly at the name of Carnegie, with the ■clever ape that it decided to present him. with a framed photograph of that bridge. No doubt, when the ape .thinks it worth while to acquire the Dominion, the Simians will Mow the bridge up ! Wellington policemen- are tough' at times. The other night surly Sergt. Hutton and another underling boun-. ccd into a York-street house where the occupant was entertaining her brothers and some friends, and was accused by Hutton of keeping a brothel: Now, x this ought to earn Hutton severe censure from his superiors. If enquiries were made, it would be found that this officious bounder's accusations were ill-found-ed. Moreover, what right has he to demand admission to any house % Bookmakers ought to be careful oL their language, otherwise they will find themselves up against something solid. A lady informs "Truth" m indignant terms that she was "had," perhaps innopently,! by • a "book" at Trentham on Wednesday week. She backed De Witte by its number ' and the ticket she received was -marked F Rate. When she came to "collect the ticket was repudiated, and oh tho woman protesting she was 'called "a dirty mare." No wonder the public prefer the "tote." *•' ■ • Down near Davis-street . there is a piublic urinal, . one of the few m and araund Wellington, .iand '?Cf-itic" wishes- to raise an objection against motormjen and conductors on trams pulling up and rushing over to the place what time passengers are kept waiting and wondering what the devil is the matter. wVn'a lady or party 1 of ladies get curious, and one louder " voiced and shriller than the others;' gurgles out, "Oh', where is the conductor going?" and when his object is divined, the lady huore often than not is sorry that she spoke. ''* * • There is said to be , si Wharf-Labor-ers' Union m Wellington, but what a union it is, to be sure. Not, a quarter of the workers belong to the organisation, and thus it is that this •body of toilers is sat on so often, and! why Fat sm|iles so serenely at N.Z. wharf-workers having sympathy with Australians should a strike be decided, on.. "Truth?" believed that the W'harfers' Union m Wellington was fairly strong, but this bit of news, conves as a shock. No. .wonder such coots •as Bigchump .Harold Beauchamp conld insult the worker with impunity. ■•• * • An s alleged Presbyterian parson named' Soule, late of Hikurangi, seems to have trouble m store for [him. There has been a lot of litigation" m late months m the northern village concerning an organ and Mr Soule, at present m Melbourne, seems to . bfe the pivot on which the whole affair turns, and it can't turn till Soule appears. If Soule does turn up, it is said he will find himself m the hottest corner that he has ever been m m his life. Anyhow, ah adjournment m the case was granted, and if Soule does appear, the proi cccdiags skould b© interesting