THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 135, 18 January 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or noto unmoved his mention m tbe Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? A.nd Mother Grundy's rage defy? A bird on a bonnet is worth six m an aviary. * * * Some stage plays are more scened against than sceneing. *. • ■ Cyclists should be forced to take out a pedaler's license. • * * * Nothing goes 1 with greater gusto than the wind m our streets. a * ' a' . In the good old days men burnt witches ; now they, marry them. m * ' X Sailors' grog nowadays is mainly made up of the spirit of the storm. ■is * » Firm advertises syrup as a means ; of opening the tissues. H>'m, Syrup- '' tissues. * v * • ' Used to bowing and scraping : The violinist. This is no violin-sin-you-way-shwn. * .' a ■ ' a Grocers should be chary of getting into trouble ; there'll always be a counter-charge. a. a a Experience is the best teacher m any occupation, yet how many people will never learn ? a • - The rcalson we are ,- not overwhelmed with splendid marksmen? Because the rifle is a bore. ■ a . ; a a This is. the season of the year wiiem a man who invents a door made up wholly of keyholes should just about make a fortune. * * * There is a "tight" /in the affairs of man, which taken at the flood leads on to the "rising"— if you haven't ss. to ante-up. ** . * Wtoiroa, the 'place with the bad har, is troubled with a draper suffering from cacoethes scribendi. Like a well-known Wellington business man, he fancies a few shares m a newspaper makes him a journalist. a a 'a "When it\Was Dark" is a book on which there is quite an extraordinary run m the Kumara Public Library.- Just as if nobody knew what happened when the shades of evening have fallen, without being told m a book. Kumara, ;anyhow, has a thirst for knowledge. a a a An /insurance comipany has been started m New York for the prevention of race suicide. Every married couple insure their feepndity. For each child born £100 is payable by the company. How would that idea pan v out m New Zealand ? * . * * The Chinese national vice is to be stopped by Imperial decree. All opium dens m Ohiha have been closed, and a bonfire of 10,000 fires took place m Hang' Chow recently. When the narcotic craving is eradicated a return to alcohol is anticipated, and the subsidised missionaries are on the gui vive— with a big English trade as their objective. ■. * « Thieves broke into the . Wanganui Salvation Army barracks the other day and stole a small sum of money from the treasurer's desk. The boodle consisted of the soldiers' contributions and the exact amount is not known. As it is the "soldiers' contributions and not the result of a public cadge it's not likely that the thieves had a win. * • • A bandmaster at Hokitika stopped his subscription to the "West Coast Times" because that reckless paper forgot to mention the band m its report of the local race meeting. This coot is some -sort of a clerk m the Lands and Survey Department and is a recent importation from England, What a four ace country England is for breeding silly people, and why is it they all strike soft-snap billets when they hit this Workers' Paradise ? a a a Robert Sims, charged with assaulting a young girl on the FairfieldAsfoburton road with intent to commit rape, gave an unusual story of beer and forgetfulness m the S.M. Court. The girl furniehed particulars of the assault, and Frederick Lunt aiuU Robert Drennan also testified to what they saw Sims do. That individual fortunately ran away before, he had effected his evil purpose. Sims said he went to the Tinwald races and got very drunk there. • Hg was absolutely innocent of the charge and saw no one on the road" home that night. When he woke up m the morning he found his ; bicycle leaning up against a gorse fence ; but as for running away he couldn't sprint as he had been m the hospital for over four months with a bad foot, and had only been m work six weeks since emerging from the infirmary. After getting rid of this wild and woolly yarn Sims was committed for trial.

■ .Wk- ■■■.:. It's.'V''|^ilei^.t^h'roj_M^is^;6n ttieir eye 7 ' that it's a : sure' sign that they've been drinkiiig. * . ' \.- * ■ ■ • The Salvation Army newspaper-seller-is always seen to "walk-awry" m order to save his sole. * . *. • It is an open question if the abolition of women and girls serving m hotels would be a bar-gain. » a a An English periodical asserts that more short women marry than tall ones. The little 'uns prefer Hy-men. * * '* Ir America "there is a suicide even "0 minutes and a murder every sex n*y minutes. That licks creation surely. a.• . a a In England the clergy are protesting against coughing m church. Here they protest we don't "cough up," enough. * * * The Scarlet Pimp-ernel has nothing to do with the bottle-<nosed, red-beaked individuals who are chasing up sly-groggeries. ra" a a The Wallace divorce suit, which occupied a Chief Justice, drawing £3,500 per annum, and an army of well-paid officials 23 days,, cost the country about £500, and the parties to.the suit £5,000. ■_ * . • A pretty young lady "thought reader" the other day, havipg made the usual passes and incantations, told her male patient not to resist any thought that came to him, but to act at once on the first impulse. He arose and embraced her ! _ * a A Mapterton man lost three £1 notes on the journey to Wellington the other day and didn't have such a good time as he anticipated m the city. It occurred to him to report the loss of the cash to the railway people, who ■: forwarded to him two £1 notes and a £5 note which had been picked up by a porter. Not a bad investment for £3. * * * "It is not generally known." says a society paper, "that the King is a Presbyterian when m Scotland." According to the Act of Union the Sovereign must be a Scotchbyterian, and Ned has to hump the burden of two religions to the grave. This is another injustice to Ireland, which should insist upon Royalty's attendance at mass on a stipulated number of times during the year. a ■ a « Dour Dunedin seems to be ten times worse than Wellington m the way of filthy, reeking Chinese dens. According to the Dunedin "Times" all the shanties m the town were condemned some time ago, but about half have been demolished, but not those occupied by the Chows, and one of these hovels, a one-roomed affair which was used for a bedroom, fruit-storing and fish-drying, still exists. To whom is this rotten state of affairs due.' What is .still a thousand times worse, women and girls still haunt these dens of, vice. The faggots ought to be promptly "vagged." * * • The latest confidence trick comes from Wanganua ;• everything that is anything come_ from Webbanui nowadays. Seems that John Lewis, with a list of aliases, as long as Mary Ann Aitken's banking account, and who is a rotter and has been m giaol, went to the neice of a prisoner doing time m Wanganui gaol and represented himself air a warder and said that £5 was necessary for uncle. First he got a quid on the strength ' of the poor uncle tale and then made a bite for a fiver. The niece and other relatives became suspicious m the meantime, and the result is that Lewis will ask a SuSupreme Court for mercy m a day or two. *. ' • Solicitor Lavery, of Carterton, has been , a schoolmaster among other j useful callings m an eventful career, I and when four local youngsters were pinched for unsportsmanlike behavior to trout belonging to the • Acclimatisation Nuisance,.- the disturbed parents sought him as naturally as j a. money-lender takes to usury. Cautious Corlett i(son of Mauser Bill), Bonser Bond, and two promiscuous j Patersons were caught on the banks of the which is sometimes j called the Mangaterere and sometimes something else, and they had j m their posession a couple of'| "jags," whilst beside them was a freshly-gutted trout. The fact that the lads were there from 10.30 a.m. till 2 p.m. and only had 'one fish to ishow for it doesn't' say much for their skill, but they might have dined on an earlier catch. The only evidence against them was that of the police— Bobby Ingram (who skirls; the banrpipes m his spare time) and our old friend Peeler McKelvie (foi- | merly of Manners-street), and as the ; kids said they were merely m for a j swim, had never caught a trout m their lives, and were greatly astonished when the policemen pointed out the fish, the weight of testimony was m favor of the defence. Magis- , trate James remarked that the cir- [ r.umst'rince. looked very suspicious and he spoke to the Lids like a father, j but let them depart m peace, I

"■ l Noah" •■•'ought -to be blamed ; for the rabbit pest. a ■*•'•■ m Beauty is a letter of introduction to temptation. * ■' * ■ Fools rush' in and enjoy themselves where angels 'are not wanted. a ■» a ■ , The ": camera, can't lie, and many a gaol-bird wishes it did flatter. •a » a Women ask favors m a low voice. It's a different key when she is refused. . Women gaze at themselves m a mirror while dressing simply to see whafo is going on. * a »' "Honeymoons," says a fashionable newspaper, "are going out of fashion." Quite so, most honeymoons nowadays are spent before marriage. It's taste and try before you buy. * * * Timaru has crawled abjectly enough on its belly to blood-sucker Carnegie, and has successfully cadged £3,000 for a library. What a colony of crawling cadgers this New Zea" land is to be sure. *" • a A motorist m Engjand, thrown out of a car which was travelling at the speed of 85 miles an hour, merely received a shaking ! The car was sfnashed. But you can't kill a motorist ! He. kills others. a: a a The screw of an Atlantic liner revolves about 630,000 times between London and New York. Fortunate liner! The trouble with most Wellington men is that their "screws" do not evolve often enough. * * * Luther Martin Murray is m trouble at Napier, or thereabouts, charged with cattle stealing. Things are reversed here. Luther Martin seems to have an unholy regard foi cows, while Martin Luther m days agonc made some contemptuous observations regarding bulls. * * a Merrie England ! No wonder the Englishman loves to wander away from the land he loves. A Welsh laborer recently 'pulled up some carrots and turnips from a garden at midnight because his wife and children were starving. A Merthyr Magistrate said "it was a very bad offence" and gave Taffy 21 days'. * • • Eketahuna is doing itself j>roud over the fact that a lady resident aged over 80 years has never yet • travelled m a railway train. Not 'wishing' to boast, and speaking for Wellington, "Critic" would like to mention that there are several men m Wellington '■ who have never been sober for the past forty years. * • ■ Ho^bpito, which is on the Main Drunk Line, celebrated the New Year m glorious fashion. Says a correspondent to the Taihape paper :— "New Year's Eve "was lively here. Chorus singing by about twenty male; voices kept the residents awake all. r ?, ght.- The flashing of a revolver several times kept things m order, but whisky can be blamed for this, as it is very plentiful." * * • A notification has been issued by the New Zealand bishops of the Church of England that they desire no clergyman should be married within three years of their ordination to the deaconate. Evidently, the Bishops are getting tired of the curate with the small wife and the large family. Reminds "Critic" pf a fire-iengine story which, however, will keep for a select smoke-room. ■* . • Auckland, of course, possesses a morgue, and same insulting remarks have been made lately about the Northern stiff store. One jury t'othet day reckoned 'it 'was a disgrace to civilisation and an awful place to take a dead foody to. Just to show though how progressive the place is it might ibe mentioned that plans for a new morgue were prepared and approved of by the / Health Department three years ago, and nothing else has been done. Anyhow, without being personal, some Coroner's juries a!re disgraces to .. a civilised convmunitv. The love they bestow on' a human carcase is amazing. The ghouls ! *. * * Says the Gore "Standard" of a recent date : — "The employees of the Mataura paper mills— which are m a No-license area — wish to thank the anonymous donor who sent them a keg of beer on Saturday, by way of the Mataura river. He will be pleased to learn that it floated safely right up to . the turbine grating, having piloted itself with unerring instinct past weirs, by wash gates, thirsty navvies, besides we know not what other hidden dangers lurking on its trackless path. If the employees might venture to throw out j a hint m view of future gifts of a I similar nature, it would be that a larger size keg would not come amiss at ' this season of the year. , When they mention that nearly all ] hands were able to reach— we say ' "reach" advisedly— home unaided, the] significance of the hint will be underj stood and, they trust, taken m j I good part. !

Absent-minded peg-gers : Those who put m the peg on New Year's Eve and take It out again next day. '*■.*' - The English idea of a French joke is someone saying something he shouldn't to someone he should not say it te. * * a We are least likely to turn our backs on either friends or foes when we have a patch on the rear of our pants. * . * * The dividends paid by the Jewberg gold mines last year aggregate £7,---000,000. How much did the workers receive ? * # x • In Spain when a marriage is announced the ages of both parties are given. It wouldn't do m New Zealand. We have enough incentives to lie freely as dt is. * * • Jones, . slightly intoxicated, m search of Brown, to barmaid : "Have you (hie), seen Brown (hie) to-night?" Barmaid: "Yes, he was here about half an hour ago." Jones : "Wes I (hie) with him ?" v « * • The autocrats of Britain must have got down to a pretty low level when they amuse themselves by playing at "Bill Sikes" and "pinch" each others' heirlooms, racing cups and trophies all for "fun." m '• a a One of the daily reporters, when hunting for sensationalisms last week, met a small boy, who said that his mother had fallen downstairs and broken three legs. The reporter became angry, saying he wasn't a durned fool altogether, but the kid explained that it was three legs of the table his mother broke— not her own pins. * * * f-'ome people have small ideas of the fitness tf tlnnp.s. A grocer, or some such tradesman, sent a Christ- 1 mas hamper to a Taranaki newspaper staff, said hamper containing, a-, mongst other things, biscuits, and raspberry syrup. What an insult to a newspaper man's stomach. That kind. of insult can only' be wiped out with beer. >. . .* * • The calling which has produced hiore of London's Lord Mayors than any other is draper's. No fewer than 74 proprietors of such establishments have occupied the civic throne. Mercers come next with seventy-two, closely followed by seventy-one grocers. Fifty-three goldsmiths have achieved mayoral honors ; so have thirty-eight fishmongers, twenty ironmongers, and nineteen pepper ers— the name formerly given to chandlers. England's most famous ; Lord Mayor, Sir Richard Whittington, was a mercer, moneylender, and house decorator. * * a / A bridegroom nearly made a mess of things the other day down at Fairlie, which is adjacent to Timaru. It was his turn to say "1 will," _nd at the fateful moment he dropped like a pole-axed bullock, but was' eventually fixed up to toe the scratch. It transpires that the happy person had been grafting like a nigger 'of late, and on his wedding morning didn't buoy himself up with a hearty breakfast. The maij who sets' out on a' life-long journey without nourishment of some kind must be a nervous sort of cuss. "Critic" hopes he will get his meals more regular now. Refined torture seems to have been reduced to a very fine and simple art by one .Thomas Griffin, of Allegheny (U.S.A.). He had a wife who nagged and to get even on her he subscribed to every paper m the State of Pittsburg, and would clip out every article of husbands killing their wives or brutally treating them. Then he would spend thb evenings reading the clippings to his wife and winking at her m a significant manner, telling her that was the way he would "fix" her. After supper one evening Griffin took off his slippers and sat down with a larger bundle of clippings than usual. Then her spirit arose and smote him, and Thomas, when the mail left, was doing a term m the local gaol. ** . • He was a loud-voiced buffoon travelling on a Seatoun-bound car. Evidently with more boodle than brains, he let the whole compartment knowl though, perhaps, intended for his. friend, who wasn't too deeply interested, that he had that morning paid away £51 10s. He was boring ' everybody, was the leather-lunged lout, and his tongue wagged incessantly. Another acquaintance m the car opened "Truth" and was soon' engrossed m its contents, and the bore, after vainly endeavoring to get a read on the cheap, expressed the opinion that he did not think the friend had the "intellect" to read such a paper, and this from an in- ■ dividual who seemed to possess the intelligence of an insect. Then the silly goat, having been practically told tw his friend to mind bis own! business, started to wander about ; the car and then lost his No. l& ■ hat. and the last thing seen before j the tunnel,? was negotiated was a j bare-headed spectre trailing; the i tram-track searching for a. dirty and unbrusliod hard-hitter that had got a j i flying start to Miramar c