THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, 4 January 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Cvitio's vage ? Or notennmovedhismention m tie Critic's pog<?/? Parade bis error m the public eye ? ' . And Mother Grundy 's rage defy ? "Cabinet Changes"— a conjurer's trickery. ' ; ■ /* " '' . * Christmas beer is strictly off the menu at last. • . . • . *. Cheap tripping on scientific work is now quite a Maoriland industry. Maoriland's .'dead-houses require purifying, or disinfecting, or something. * • * • The Kauri \Tinnber Co. pay shareholders a 5 per cent, dividend, and. the clerical staffs m Sydney, Melbourne attd New Zealand will.net a 10 percent, bonus on. salaries.! The working staff, as usual; get nix, j

Man's sense of justice has created woman's sense of injustice. * ''. • ' .*• - A'. thirsty- throat is -a terrible j temptation to a teetotal tippler. '■ • ■ '•■■■• •■ •;♦ ■ ' '* ' ■'. '•'• ' " j Charity is a cloak that covereth a : .j multitude . of queer performances. The hot weather has one advantage —the beer flows down more gracefully.. ,: ■ * » . • White lies are the Jies we tell— black lies are the lies the other fellow -tells. \ * ■ .* .-• ■? 'Bread and cheese and, kiss-es" are out of date. To-day, it is pheasant, fizz, and decree nisi. »■ • , . ■ • It was iioj until his wife present--ed him With twins that Jones com-, plained of her over-bearing nature. ' ■ • • This is the season when any selfrespecting farm yafd rooster , will, take to the woods till danger is over. » * •' • If a man can have a pew at a chi\rch on Sundays, wiry shouldn?t he have a pewter at a pub., if so disposed ? * • * Can you put all those big Ashburton. blazes down to prohibition, or what ? The fiery liquid still prevails however. * The singing of sentimental hymns, weak and washy partrsongs, and silly love-songs, does much damage m the^ world. * ■ *.-.■• There is no better test of a respectable member of society than the production of a- bank book ..with a good balance. / ' :'. * * ' • Some Wellington men ' compare their wives with their -motor car— they are so expensive, contrary, and highly explosive. I • ■ . , • ■ •'• ■ Somie of the naice people are m a terrible state of mdnd. It is whispered that Adam and Eve's marriage certificate cannot : be found. * •■ * * "I have a strong' dislike., for sloppy hymns," said a speaker at a church gathering. We have an equally strong dislike for sloppy "hers." * ■ *■-•/• People would be very, much jollier if they ate onions, remarks a medical authority. Unhappily the eating would have to be unanimous, otherwise! there would be class distinction between the eaters and non-eaters.' ' ■ .-■■ • . * *. ■ They came from the back-blocks to start a laundry, but they tiad never seen pyjamas. The first' lots received were returned to their owners starched, stiff and shiny, and the bill, m one case read : "To three Lawn Tennis suits, 6/-." „,.«■■ •■. • In this Dominion jurymen complain if they are kept six days away from their avocation. But the Hong Kong jurymen' seem to have greater cause for complaint. -.. In a recent murder case at the Hong Kong Supreme •Court, the -jury, after sjx months absence, returned a. verdict of guilty. Conceited Curzon says that if India "'broke- away" from England it would ''real back into chaos." This Curzon, when Viceroy of India, was the most ridiculous of failures, and--iris assumption of the rqle of prophot shows him ,to be quite as imuOh a noodle as wiien he played the arrogant ass m India. * * .' * It is complained that the nussegirls of Auckland lie round m the : shady Parks talking to men, heedless of their . young charges, some of r W:hom have lisped m the home circle horrible words picked up during the flirtation..^ A distracted mother writes to Auckland "Siiar" on the subject, who remarks that some men judge young Women by the class of nurse-girl she keeps. 'Arriet will have to control her blanlcy. * * * There ought to be a law awarding ten years' imprisonment to the person who breaks into "In Memoriam" doggerel. Sample from the "Temuka Leader" :— _. ' In loving memory j of John Hooper etc. '. , » He left 'his home m perfect health, Not thinking death was near, ■Not dreaming that he never would Return to home so dear. A painful shock, a dreadful blow, Oh, father dear, we mi§s you so. The pathos of it. Some people have no sense of humor. * ■ • - '• On the Waimarino, Plains the greati Main Trunk Railway, at one particular spot, takes a peculiar and most unaccountable curve. It appears that some" Maoris, dreading the approach "of the iron, hoss, thought to stop his approach byburying a couple of dead relatives and heaping up two big^ graves on the site of the proposed route. Rather than violate the memory of the dead the said detour was made. If the Maoris had kept on planting 'their relatives on that Plain what a comical railway, it, would have been.

A bad taste m the mouth doesn't necessarily mean a. beery taste.. • .■•.•■ •■ ■ /*' " ■ ■ , One ca/nnot always judge a woman's truthfulness "by what she says, . .. * ■ * , . '* . ■ ■ Liberty is the power to be one?s self ;j to deve/lop. fully all that one has. .-....■.■ "■•.*.-' • * * A (iuiet wedding is often but a curtain raiser for a strenuous after part. . . . . " ■ ■■;. ■ ■■ m. ; .». ■ • ' Wellington men who make, a good use of their time have none to spare.. . ■ / * ■-' ••"• • . When marriage is a failure, the fruit of the^orahtee blossoni fipens to divorce. * ' ". ' ■ ■ "'.■'■ The Conciliation Board was pretty; well, bored,, with the farmers' dispute down South. ■:. . „' The duty on wigs has been fixed at 20 per cent. It . will pay to keep, one's hair on now. * ■ ' * • The man who puts-lobster and stout into his> tummy to cure indigestion, gets better no faster.. ■ i * • >» This is the season when ghost yarns, are on .tap. "Critic has an abiding belief m one ghost— the "ghost" that walks jweekly.* L* ■: * ' \- i ! Maori . relics appear to be getting las plentiful here as old Vandyck pictures. How many pictures did Van- [ dyck paint, anyhow ? I * * * ! Why do more people die at Xmas arad New Year through bja thing . than at any other time ? Is the annual fbath responsible for it ? I' ■■*"..* * A money matter : It is suggested that now 'the Knickerbocker has come down the . American market may have seen the bottom. •■ ' ' * • • ■A big 'fire' at Ashburton on. Sunday owed^;,. its siz:e'. tp inadequate water supply. vOf 'all piaces" m the world . Ashburton should be the last to own up to scarcity of water. Now we know why, the prohibition town has been noted' for its dryness. . v, m * * ' A South Island stationer makes a reduction on goads bought by skypdlots (why, he cannot, satisfactorilyexplain), biit he ' thinks seriously about discontinuing the practice since a local girl asked for substantial discount because she- expected the village curate to propose shortly. o■* i • •A : newly arrived man 'from the Haggis Country mat the landlord of his hotel at six m the morning after a very wet night with 'the remark, "Landlord., either you keep very bad liquor m this house, or I went td'bed {thirsty last night.'- And yet, they say a Scotchman has no humor ! « .. • » The Australian axemen, McLaren and . Jackson, now touring and meeting all comers, whom they vanauish easily, are ■ having a rosy old . time. But Canada may have to be taken into the reckoning, and,/ if so, it's to be hoped , Mack and Jack will show the boastful Kanucks how. to cut wood. ' . / A new pest has been discovered, and precautions should be taken to guard against ■ its importation to New Zealand, otherwise there will be murder in* the air. One C. Healy, m Melbourne, has. cheated a record by conttnuously; playing a piano .ior 50^ hours, beating.' the previous best by two hours. That beats the band, but Lorlumme what do the neighbors think of things. . * * * Wellington Evening Boast went into raptures over the oil yacht Queen of Beauty, which arrived from Sleepy Nelson recently,, and "the press representative nearly fell dead with . astonishment at the size of the craft, and its ,, novel equipment. All of which is. '"-.very tiring to people who knew the boat, when the late Chris g arris used' to navigate the Hauraki ulf m her ten years ago. . * , ' • ■ ■ The burglaries m New York during 1907 involved the loss of £3,200,000. including £700,000 during t<Jie last fiO days. .The wave of crime also readied its highest mark, 'arid ' is a recotel m Philadelphia, Baltimore.- Chicago, and Boston^lt is attributed to the unusual number' of unemployed. Of course, the unemployed. No one ever thinks of the ' millionaires. They rob everybody and are called sound financiers. *■\ • * THE "ANTI" CRAZE. Hi's anti-fat and anti-thin, And anti-big and strong ; This struggling bard would like to know, "How long, O Lord— how long ?" There's anti-Sosh and anti-bosh, And anti-right . and wrong ; i Again I ask this jquestion here, "How^ong, O Lord— how long ?" It's, anti-stockingette just now, Among the. anti throng ; And anti-openwork and lace— i "How Jong, O Lord— how long?,"-

Virtue is a girl's best safeguardnext to ugliness. * * • * ■ One thing the ricK do not appear to be able to afford is "to marry, for love. ■ • • * When a man, sorrows over his youth he is usually misspending his old age. * . • > * A person, who is familiar with art frequently takes a great many, liberties with it. - -♦ • - ■. i 'Boxing" night is always .looked ujion by theatrical managers as the one night of the year m which, to make a great "bit." • ' • ■ ■ " • '" ■ ' A t 'BRAyND"-NEW LIMERICK: ;Here !: Listen, '.I'll I sing you a song-- . A short one; I won't keep you long. My subject, of course,. Is about a divorce — And-r-wcll, thank you-'-we're all goingi. ' "Strong." ' • ■*"* • • ■ 'According to tonsorial. statistics, beards are going out, and' the majority of men now only wear : - a m cms-*' tache.- Woman; again ! EveH DameFashion cannot leave men alone ! The average girl, it seems, }ikes a bit of bristle with her osculation. * * ♦ Now is the Season when many a city person hides himself or herself m home or lodgings, and m a week or so appears again m former haunts to brag of the ( l<eauties of the country and the glorious' times he or she had at the seaside or m the bush. J. T. M. Hornsby, M.P., met with a peculiar accident while assassinating poultry for the Christmas dinner. The knife entered the base of his left thumb, severing the vein and nerve of that digit, which has now no sensibility mit and will probably be useless to the owner henceforth. ■ . * . * . ■ * What w>ith the puffing of steamrollers during metal-crunching opera* tions I}he snort an,d toot-tpot of th<r motor,, and 'the row created, by the gravel-grinding of the average Wellington policeman. patrolling the sidewalks of the city, the- poor horse is having a pretty rough and rocky time of it. * * • The "Otago J^aily Times' " corres-" pondent declares that hundreds of unemployed walk 'Dunedin streets. Most of the unemployed are clerks and light-work men and most of them are grey-haired. Yes, that's the curse m these hustling days. Grey haw tells its tale. People have no right to get old. ' * * , ♦ The wild cat is a growing feature m the life of New Zealand. A doubtful sort of prospectus of the "United Goldfields of New 'Zealand" has just been issued, and has been I condemned by the expert .of the London "Financial News." There is a little' gold m New Zealand, and its presence here is reponsible for the -semi-starvation of men who might do well m steady billets, if they were not occasionally inspired with a hope •by a ' '^how m their dishes. *' *• " * ." A goose with an apparently abnormal appetite was killed for table by a New "Plymouth resident the other day.. Inside its gizzard ' was found a miscellaneous assortment of ironwork, including a. staple and about a dozen nails and tacks. Notwithstanding this unusual fare, . the goose apparently enjoyed perfect health, indeed, was thriving on its indigestible food. Now, the owner knows where an iron bedstead went. Anyhow, what an. iron constitution that goose possessed. It must hay a hardy bird. Too damned hard, in* fact. t . • . ... *.« . * The Political Labor .League Conference has been talking by the column at_Christchiurch, and, if any new" crowd want to regenerate the world it's this talkative party. But Christchurch possesses so many parties just now that the • public don't know where they are, and can't distinguish) one lot from another, ot is too tiredi to do so,- or is to busy discussing the 'mutability of human affairs to trouble worth' a cent. But Christchurch has more leagues to the square yard than any Other, place m Maoriland. Why, *fc even has that precious institution, the League of Wheelmen. »■' * * There is a chap at Wethcrel, near Kaiapoi, named Percy Pearnc ; it should be "Mister" P.P., but he so often gives one the pip that they don't call him Mr. at all. However, when sports were held at Wethcrel t'other 'day this gent had all the say, and he would havo been speaking yet liadn't someone threatened to put up a "gramaphone m t opposition. Pearne doesn't drive a motor car, but he is* the happy man who' 'drives* the St. Allan's dust cart. Well, good luck to him. By -the way it might be mentioned that tihe sp orts did terminate, and that there were some close finishes. The 100 yds was the best. Baker and Mcl>ougall : going hammer and tongs the whole way. J. C, O'Connor loade a good starter.

Man likes praise, woman puff.- --* • • If matches are made m hexven,--kow, is it so many, contain sulphur ? * * * The man who sat down on the spur of the moment got up at once. ! * • ■ The: pitcher 'of ten goes to the well, but the bottle and spoon go to the sick. ' "* • * * The surest proof that man isn't henpecked is when 'Ms wife keeps I pretty maid. *." « • Never play a game of •'•two-up" with a wild bull. He is a -cert., "to win the toss every time.. v • ■■ ■ • • •Provision is m&tle on the Estimates •for the installation m the Common-, 'wealth of wireless telegraphy. And now, by Jove' !. we'll do the. trick. Australia's motto now. is "tick." • | The trail of the motorist i?.- In S ? Africa two motor cyclists attempt ted to bail up and rob two officials .conveying gold to a bank. It. was a case of "Your mpaey or your life." In Wellington the motorist is content with taking your life. * .■ • * Charity is "a great comfort" to some people ; they get an immense .amount of pleasure out of charitymongering, of which they would be entirely deprived if society were so organised as to make charity unnecessary. Thus we see hojtv wicked are the efforts of those Socialists who would substitute justice for charity. ** ■ • One of the. advantages of being va Public Servant seems TO be that he can take employment at night time, at a low wage. The local musicians object to this unfair competition, and rightly so. The stinkards who\ hbld two billets while their fellows can't find one ought to be shanghaied by the worst crinfy to be found m Wellington. ■'•.■■.■ * • ""■■ A T»an of .law-was away ■ m thecountry, and he put, up at a pub. When he retired late, he. bejgan to pull off his rag covering. Just as he was pulling at his unmentionables, a shjd.il squeal startled him-, and, he didn't know he had got into the wrong room until he saw tho dark eyes of a 'damsel peering at him from behind a pile of clothing. , The amalgamation 'of the; Independent Labor Party (Keir Hardies) and- the colliery members of the Brit-ish-House of Commons, presages an important political .development. The "handwriting on the wall" indicates that the constituencies, when given a chance, will greatly strengthen direct Labor- representation. But the trouble there, as 'here, is the crowd of' ' hanp-ers-on who seek prominence and' position by clinging to the \ Virts of' the workers. •■•••■- •■. \ ■ ■ ■ • * * •• * - . The New Plymouth "News" tolls of <three bushjwhackers who arrived m a. certain' town with cheques for their earnings since last March, 'totalling^ £120 each. One of them spent £20 m a gorgeous outfit of clothes and. has £100 m the bank. The others . dissipated theirs and have now only .the meirsory of . a "glorious spiec. '.'.. Good . old Xmas . cheer again: Tho drunk of the old. year with lots of -.people. They commence- the new one- with a bad head. and brand new resolutions, which last- one week. And they generally break "the -pledge on the Sabbath, too ! • - * ■ * . ...» : One of the best paying games now is to ally one's self to a semi-relig-iolls sect, stir up a correspondence m tlie' dailies ~ over some theological qile'stion that has been" settled a thousand times over, and obtain columns of advertising for Then open a pretended sanatorium and undertake—though possessing no qualifications, legal or otherwise— to cure everything at a price,* and m ten years' time you can go 'back to Murka""and poke figurative Kinars at the mugs you left behind. But here your sanatorium will always be crowded with fool patients at from three to live guineas a week, nearly all of whflm will be satisfied with only smiles and a low diet. George Meredith Lucas is a young man adorned by a waxed moustache, who possesses a wife and child and some property. Hie is a highly respected . person, and . arrived from Christchurch six months ago. On Sunday night a resident named Lansborough .left a. wicker; chair out on his verandah, and as.,- Lucas passed on his way to his Brooklyn homp he was impelled by an irresistible desire to pinch the furniture,: and actually succumbed to the temptation. "I can't tell why I went across -the road and took the chair," he remarked to the two Wellington Jay Pays, subse-qN-ieiitlv . "I have borne a good character up till now." The wicker jthin-g looked very riice m Lucas's hdme when' the police arrived, but the slight attack of kleptomania . cost the borrower £2 or sev.cn days. It might have been a month without the option, only Sujb'-Inspectpr said it was a case that would be met with a fine.