THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 129, 7 December 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

,■■■•■. ■•■» '■ ■'■ ',"■' • Who can tmdaun ted' brave the Critic 's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's pr ge? Parade his error m the public eye ? A.nd Mother Grundy's rage defy? A truly. good man is a weird spectacle. ■■ * . ■•. - '* i ■■'■■" ' Many people say smart things, only a few do them. ■ ' * * Ninety-nine men m a hundred lie ■to women, the hundredth lies of them. • • , • Grand jewels and gigantic debts are often twin possessions m Snob-, ocracy. •* • * It is better to be wholly alive for a week, than to be half alive for a lifetime. The new servant : "Please, mum, i will you have the potatoes cooked m their jackets, or m the 'nood' ?" ! * ' - * ■ Poverty is no obstacle to love, but except m the case of two fools well met, it is a 'cul de sac" to matrimony. I • * * i When a man wishes to imply a lot : that isn't over nice, he winks, when a woman has a similar desire, she whispers. ■ # » No woman ever loved another woman so well that she could feel perfectly happy when a man was-sound-ing her praises. • * • There are millions of good women m the world, "but they are so unobtrusive that worldlings never believe they exist. • ' * * There isn't much to choose between the woman who is too sour and the woman who is too sugary. One makes a man 'Sick sooner, the other later. • * • Lionel Terry, where, oh, where is Lionel Terry now. seems, wherever he goes, to be enjoying himself, and plays draughts. Then, it is his move, and the police come •when the bird has flown, of course. "V :' : '- : " :■ -.'. "' i- •■■- A travelling- professor professes to ; have discovered a virtuous tribe of Asiatic origin, m the wilderness of Alaska. Virtue is rather an uttdiscoyerable quantity m these days, and, anyhow, how "did the professor dis- ■■ coyer "it; in 'Alaska, unless he spent an ; immensity ; of time m popping the question; ' ' ' '.• -- : - ••" ■ •:■' '• ••■ '.»■■ : . . •:•.-.. ...■ r. '" Chinamen V are :. paying guests m . Queehsiahd*-some,times. One slanteyed pflgriim at /.the Mossman, had 29 tins of opium . planted ■m a tea chest or gin jar, the copman clutched, £50' fine yras' the yerdipt, \and the order included, drug valued at £250 for the Crown to confiscate. Another was requested to: pay m a. score of sovereigns and his smoke stuff was snared, also. A peculiar accident happened to a cabful of Chinamen -attending a funeral a few days ago m Taranaki. ■When driving down a decline the cab overturned, . pinning one of . the number under the vehicle. In their anxiety and excitement to release •b,ijh, his companions pulled hire out by the legs, almost dislocating his neck. The injuries were so serious that they necessitated the man's removal to the local hospital. Now, if Chows will only persist m getting jammed under cabs, and having their necks dislocated the Chinese Question will soon settle itself. • • * "A Christian youn& man" who advertised for board and lodging m a Christian family at Christchurch the other day, got a numerous swag of replies, and when he looked some of them up, he found that most of i 'om had (been pulling his holy leg, for I the houses were mostly drums and I other places of doubtful character, located m slums and Wind aHoys, and things— houses that couldn't boast spare room to keep a spare >!cat m. People of this sort enjoy a igood joke, and don't mind spending | a neruiy stamp, andi a piece of ink and a smudged piece of paper out of •(Katie's exercise book, on it—especially if it's at the expense of a [Christian young man who says his j prayers while he Shaves, and sings a hymn while washing his face. Christain young men are netting out of date as lodgers ; they appear m the divorce court too freouently.

I Alter all, although it seems shocki ing to say so, more women might ;gO to heaven- if the whole world ; were ■ naked. Dress and ...diamonds have : always ' helped to swell hell's, statistics. v .•-•••.-,•■ * * Deer-shooting m the Wainui-o-mata reserve would be great sport for the , pot.hunter. . These wild deer are so blasted wild that you have to throw, sticks at 'em to get 'em out of your road. • . • ■ • Lower frutt has a church with a chimney m it, and when Huttites say • they have . been to a church with a smoke stack to it nobody smiles. Anyhow, why don't all churches have fireplaces , and chimneys. Some of 'em want cheering up. ..'* -•• • • . * .■ • Criminal -libels and suits fortlefam aiion •of character . seem to be m th-fc air just now. ' Latest is the abject apology of some apology of a man m the railway service who defamed the character of a young woman be had been on fricjklly terms with. From Mr John Fuller, junr., "Critic" has received a copy of a Japanese newspaper. The illustrations are great, although they don't altogether appeal to Western ideas. One very .'interesting: picture shows what marvellous use is made of the telephone m Japan. * • -.. ■ • * ■ ■ * They were talking about the Gaming Bill and one said, "Well its caused .-■ great consternation > among the books-.'.' "Consternation be iiggerod," replied a cove; with whiskers. "They won' t v consternate none. Why should they '?' The blooming Bill only saves them shop rent." '• o * . ■ i One penny from Courtenay Place to the Oriental Bay terminus is a darned dear ride. Why don't the Council extend this section, to the Royal Oak corner ? If this matter is not seen to before ' Jim the Milker returns from Dunedin he will be told of it, and therein be trouble. • * • A West Coast paper, m announcing the fact that Thomas Hall, of Timaru poisoning fame, is- Ifo be released from gaol, records the. fact that, the fiend was convicted m 1186. A truly humane act on. the part of the Government m such circumstances. Hall seems to be living to a ripe old age. .«.■•. • . ' • .Last week's Auckland "Weekly News" must have had an extraordinary sale. The -run on the paper made Wellington news agents gasp m astonishment. And all over a little accident at Waimate, too. But "Critic" can't help thinking there was an accident m the ''News" com- j posing room, i • * • There is a family m Wanganui, .consisting of a mother and about a dozen yougsters pf both sexes, rang- j ing m age from four • years to 24, living m so small a dwelling that Wanganui people are wondering which one sleeps m the coal bin and which on the ice-chest. The rookery they live m wants pulling down, anyhow, and the Whole show) sweetening- up. • ... * • The residents of Hornby, or some of them, seem to .have very little to, do. On the fifth of November they celebrated Guy Fawke's day. This silly custom is dying out even I among the < kids who make it a j means of cadging coppers, but when ■ adults come .at the game it is time King Jimmy's ghost came up and/ hit them on the head with a j scqptre, or . Judge Jeffries' walking stick, or King Charles' spaniel, or something. Guy. Fawkes was a very noble and kind-hearted kind of cuss. Most historical blackguards were. -,- * * ■ Re a decision given by Kettle, of ! Auckland, about blastiferous Chinkies working on the Sabbath and getting ahead of the white trash, it is. a common game of the yellow swine at Christchurch to rise at four o'clock on Sund,ay mornings and get m a fair half da-^'s work before the ordinary pale face is up. He thus escapes detection. If he is located m an out-of-the-way spot, he can safely get m more good work ere the sun goes down. Incidentally, it may be mentioned that during the hearing of the farm laborers' dispute at Leeston, one individual frankly admitted that he did one hour's work before church and another- j hour's afterwards every Sunday. And \ he had been doing this fourteen years. He didn't say what his average contribution to the plate was, ! | but, ?i all events, he earned more j before and " after service than he gave the parson, or whoever collars the dibs. But there are a large number ; lof people m Christchurch who take j recreation m gardening when they didn't orter. A good long bike ride round town . and suburbs with reveal that wi<th startling suddenness. Well, "Critic 1 " supposes a man can say his prayers while tickling the earth. And that "is different to tickling a wirl that isn't his proD-erty. Making one plant grow where none grew before is better than trying to raise a cron on your bald head with a noclass specific anyhow. The man who tries to hoc his head m the hot>e of striking human grass generally strikes a blank, >

Another infliction is threatened New Zealand. Tire Methodists threaten to bring out 'a weekly"., .journal.* Aren't they satisfied with "Truth," ■ or what. * ■ -. m The "Fending Star" asserts that Thomas Hall, whose Kelea.se was ru- ; mored recently, was convicted of the murder by poisoning of his father-in-law, Mr Hall Came, of Timaru. The old chap murdered was Captain Cain, and the novelist Hall Cainc is stiJl living, though he deserves murdering. * • • Pahiat-ua is the latest to welcome the Chow laundry-keeper, A Chinese gentleman by the name of Kum Lee has gone into ' the soap-sud business m the town of the big street, and Pahiatuaites can now get their soiled garments made like the driven snow without the painful necessity of employing some", beastly white woman j whose poverty makes her presence' a. positive nuisance, don't you know. rk * . s A joker' named Orr, who has just arrived back to Christchurch from America, said he interviewed John D. Rockefeller, who promises to be a billionaire m another twelve years if he lives, and the first "bill" that the world knows. Says Orr : There was nothing m his appearance or conversation to indicate the fac!;. He seemed a kindly, philanthropic old. man. Dicken ! Did Orr expect John D. to carry his millions m his pockets. .1 * Is there a Registrar of the Land Board ,or some such individual at Taihape ? If there is he had better lead his lug to this. Some years ago a young fellow named Frank Tidsweil worked on . the roads at Ransitikei, and was paid up less 7s 6d. Repeated application has been made for that small sum, bu,t the letters have been ignored. Is there any rearon why this man should not be paid his dues ? The Registrar or whatver he is,, ought to- wake' up. * • • The passers-by were edified m Lin-coln-road, Masterton, last week, by tho spectacle of a well-dressed, goodlooking woman squatting on the grass m front of her Chow husband's abode, while the evil person from Flowery Land ordered her oH the premises. Some women took their fallen sister's part and silenced the shrieking horror, and the sitting woman then confided to her sympathisers particulars pf allegations againstr the Uhinkie, which are to be investigated m the local Court shortly. * * • ■ Another old identity of .Otago wishes "Critic" to correct a statement recently made m these columns concerning old Johnny Jones and Jimmy Mills and the Union S.S. Coy. The Thomas Henry, it seems, was a sailing brig, and the first steamer owned by Johnny J. was the Geelong. ... The Prince Alfred was owned by McAndrew and afterwards by Greer and Co. There are many old identities m Otago who will recollect the first land sale m Dunedin. The land sold was at Cherry Farm, and JohnniTones stipulated that if everyone who bought a quarter of an acre section built si house on it within 12 months they would get the land for nothing. The old identity who recalls this sale says Johnny Jones was a pretty liberal old gent. ■* * * ■ : The*" Runterville Express on a recent happening m. the town :— On Thursday afternoon a man on horseback, who was apparently under the influence of liquor made himself a public nuisance m Bruce-street, Hunterville. He galloped lip and down the street, and narrowly missed knocking . two little children down. He rode on footpaths, and defied every- , body. It "was a pity that the local consta/ble was out of town at the time, as the fellow badly needed his attention. We think that the Justice Department should swear m a resident m each of the tqwins where only one constable is stationed, .to .deal with masters of the above nature during the absence of the police. What fun there would be m Huntervilte then. Arizona wouldn't be m it. * * • Ada Lister is a woman with a strong Jewish cast of features who claims to have Maori blood m her veins and she was within tour weeks of giving birth to a .child when she stole a ring from an aged Maori named Wiremu Rautahi. Tie woman must bave been pretty hard up when she sat on the patriarch's knee m the Princess Hotel, Molesworthstreet, and snatched a ring off his ' finger. When arrested Ada was plac;ed m the same cell with a woman ; .run m for drunkenness who had £6 m notes m her stocking which the . modest police at the station had • failed to locate. Ada relieved her j cell mate of this amount, and want- ; ed to plead not guilty m spite of the fact that the lucre was subsequently discovered m the lining of her dress. Mr Jackson pleaded for leniency. depicting to Magistrate Riddell the horrible stigma that would attach to the child if 5t were born m gaol. Counsel's entreaties prevailed, and Ada was sent up for a fortnight, which, bar accidents ,will dodse the dreadful alternative;

The latest abomination is the Xmas postcard. One received m Wellington by ■•last -mail from* the "thriving centre of Sahara remarks :—' 'A camel can : go without a drink for seven days, but who the devil would like to be a camel ?" * * ' • Escaped Lionel Terry tells everybody he meets who he is. "I'm outon exercise," he remarks grimly, and they give him a biscuit or something more solid. Terry will blunder into the arms of a policeman who doesn't, want, to see him if he isn't careful. * * ■ In the case at Masterton against chemist Lindop, chargod with supplying medicine and an instrument to procure abortion, Judge Haselden dispensed with the formal practice of soarclijng the jurors. "I'll take the risk this time," he remarked. The time-honored indignity is a survival of . the Dark Ages. * ■ *.. . * 1 The other day one of a Cambridgebusiness man's employees found a -slip of paper m a box of primes, upon which was written m pencil . the following message, "Mary Hornig, 47, Clay-street, San Francisco, California, care Hatimer and Co. Any rich old man will do, IS and past." Mary apparently has no time for htt .c lambs. Rams are more m her line. * * c Four mice stuck up the services m a Carterton Bethel t'other Sunday. In the morning a small animal came i out of the organ, where the family nest is, end took possession of the musician's stool. The operator wore 'sliirts and was completely routed by her puny adversary; In the evening the "whole family of four rodents empvged and gave the lady choristers an exciting time. The ancient simile, "As poor as' a church-mouse" is fallacious, as the mice were as fat and comfortable looking as a bishop or a publican. * • • Ex-parsons, like ex-policemen, seem to take to the pub-keeping business as the gosling does to a swamp. - The •ox-peeler Bung is, of course, proverbial m the land, but of late years the ex-sky-pilot has thrown aside his hypocrisy and got his name above the door m double-quick time, and doesnot give a damn about it either. An ex-parson is now licensed to purvey .purge m the Taranaki district, and concerning this clerical insurance agent many tales are told of when he labored m the Loard's vineyard, tales, too, that don't do credit to his cloth. Anyhow, he got too strong, and the wowser crowd couldn't stand him any longer and biffed him out into the cold and beery -world. Now, Dame Fortune has smiled on the madcap-, and the Church held' out its arms to him, but he spurned her and consigned her to hell and took a pub license instead, and "Critic" says good luck to him. < * * • A cabby named Alexander MeWil- ' liam is the most habitual wifeneglecter at present m Wellington. He is supposed to contribuie 12s 6d a week towards the' support of his separated spouse, a grey and worn elderly person who has been ill and has lost interest m things, but to date he •is £38 10s m arrears, . and has to find some cash somehow. Me William explains that the cost of living has gone up considerably since •he was; ordered to pay the weekly dole ;• likewise wages have riz, and as 'he employs three persons he can't make a do of it. When the order was made he could get chaff at £3, a ton, but now the -quotation is £8 ' 10s ; m fact everything has gone up, and McWilliam expects to go up, too— as high as a kite, or higher. Magistrate ftiddell was unsympathetic m the main. At any rate, he remarked that if prices had been elevated that was not sufficient excuse to vary the order (which was asked for), and insult was added to injury by a sentence of a month's imprisonment, order being suspended during payment of £l a week off the arrears, or £1 12s 6d every seven days. According to the latest, young women, or old. 'uns for that matter, m the civil service, must be protected from any monsters who have bad records and are m the Government^ service. Which, of course, is right' enough m its way. "Critic," with his usual curiosity, wants to know what half the women m the service do for their salaries. The Government offices are inundated with females, who seem to spend their time m giggling and grimacing at pas.sersby. One Government concern near the Post Office seems to have a lot of V tarts" on hand, who spend the day ogling the telegraph operators. I In another place they are supposed i to be toiling on a 'ground floor, but seem to be taking m every happen- j J ing m the streets. In the Govern- ! ;ment buildings m Lambton-quay the messengers tramp through corridors from Department to Department, bearing messages from missies, arranging ior meetings with one another. 'Yes, the young women do Want protecting but mostly from themselves. They ought to pet married, or go out to service, or do something. They oy.eht, but they don't. The State milch cow hasn't run dry yet.