THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 121, 12 October 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can nnaannted brave the Critic's rag«? Or note unmoved hiamentionin tie Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

... It's a wise man that knows his own wife. „.'.♦,■■■ * . . *

Trust not; the woman Who truthfully tells her .age. Nothing will be sacred to her- after that. . ■ • - : , •■ • * «

The threat of a strike of railway men in' Britain reduces the value of railway securities by £10,000,000. Yet sbme people say there is ao power m .organised labor !.

> Socialist Hogg Says the new Wellington morning paper is called the "Dominion," with the emphasis on the "minion.'-'

The "Buller Miner" declares that the average J.P. can be told by his smell. No doubt the '"Miner"- is thinking of cloves.

The Egyptians once used bricks as money. \'Fancy what a brickyard Rockefeller would have if he lived m those days !— Ben Tillett.

The United States- Supreme Court has decided that "milk can be watered either by .the cow or the milkman." In New 'Zealand, the man .at the pump handle is still the popular method. ' '..-.'

At the Gisborne Police Court the other day, two Maoris were each fined one pound and costs for urging dogs to fight m a public place. Now that the Maori can't set his dogs fighting what can he do ?

Sergeant Phair, to witness m drunk and disorderly case : "Your name is Hector Macdonald ?" "No," replied the witness with a pained smile; "my name is John William Macdonald." And yet they say that Hector is still alive somewhere,,

THE ONE THING' NEEDFUL.

She's got. a brand-new motor cap, She's got some motor clothes ; She's got a pair of goggles, And a fixum for her nose ; She's got a veil that flies behind,— I couldn't say how far— And now she's looking for a man ■Who's got a motor, car. * * •

According to a Taihape paper, the local police station at the present time might easily be mistaken for a small wholesale groggery, confiscated liquor m bottles and cases being stacked everywhere. It is needless to remind the thirsty that a drink cannot be obtained there. It is a case of "Liquor, liquor all around, but not a drop to drink."

There is a Chow garden on the road to Island Bay, with a dirty hovel attached wherein the Chows eat and sleep and store vegetables and other things. Constant visitors to this hovel are a couple of young white girls. Both are pretty blue-eyed girls, apparently sisters, and still m their teens. What are their parents doing to allow their offsprings to become the playthings of these filthy aliens.

"Porter Porter." If looks silly, but it sounded sillier when Porter, who is a railway porter, was v called to give evidence m a case m which another porter named Dickel was complainant.. One of the witnesses was 'Porter Shout,, but whether Porter Dickel . was induced to shout? porter to celebrate his victory m the case, chronicle sayeth not. If he did' it may reasonably be assumed that Porter had a porter^

■X correspondent of fine London "Globe" has received irom West Aus-tralia-a remarkable photograph from the hinterland of a native woman and ' six children all born at a birth. The fact is said to "be authentically established, and is supposed to be without a parallel. If such things happened m L New Zealand the declining birth-rate would go up by leaps and bounds. Anyhow, why not import a few sires of this kind.

'•I want to know if it is usual to search a man before he has an op? portunity to obtain Wail ?" This query was put. by a well-dressed young man named George Smith, charged at Wellington with behaving m a manner calculated to occasion a breach of • the peace. It appears that he and a red-headed young man named William Leary started doing the Sullivan-Squires act m the vestibule of Fullers' Theatre Royal on Monday evening, and fell into the arms of a handy copper. Leary pleaded guilty, but Smith protested his innocence, and said the red-head-ed person started the war, which was about nothing m particular. Each was fined 10s and costs, or seven days.

The name of Alexander Clark, charged with drunkenness, was called m Wellington Magistrate's Coutt .'p,n Monday, and . Charles Alfred Clark,; charged with the theft of a shirt, appeared. He pleaded guilty to drunkenness and was fined 10s. or 48 hours' before the mistake was discovered. Mr Wilford, who was appearing for Charles Alfred on the theft charge, said that the sentence suited them admirably. The penalty was then shifted on to the shoulders) of the absent drunk, Alexander Clark. Charles Alexander was charged with theft, and Mr Wilford explained that the offence was due to drink, and that the accused had never been previously convicted on any' charge. Upon thte earnest solicitatior.n . of counsel Charles Alfred was convicted and discharged, a condition being that he should pay the value of the shirt, and (consent to a -prohibition order.

Scotch Dunediii has sot a French Club, where . they drink absinthe with their haggis. * • •

The Wairoa Mutual Improvement Society has decided unanimously that it should be abolished. No doubt the Government will take immediate steps to introduce an abolition bill. -"'

If is calculated that the English now leave m millions for the Continent every summer. Ten years hence it may. be. necessary to leave a. caretaker' m charge of England whilst the community,' is absent abroad. ... I : '

"Malt extract" containing 11. per cent, of proof spirit is henceforth^ according to an Australian Customs decision to be described as "stout or porter." . /The- extract is greatly beloved by ,-the anaemic and rabid temperance folk."

An inquest was held the other day on the body of an unfortunate man who dropped dead from excitement at the birth of a son. As he is •dead, and can only die once, we are left to guess how Aie would have cut up had it been twins. •

A newly-married man never realises what he has done until he has met every one of his wife's .relations. The demand nowadays is for wives without relatives. A man hates to marry a woman and then have two or three members of the family thrown m.

Among applications for the post of secretary to a Melbourne association was the following :— "I am fully quaified for the vacant position, and would accept a salary of £150 per annum, as I have a wife and one child at present to be increased at the discretion of the committee."

The Chow gardeners at Wanganui the other day held a meeting and decided to raise the price of vegetables 50 per cent. What with the baker and the butcher and the milkman meeting and raising prices, the consumer is having a happy time of it, but when the leprous Chow, does likewise its simply hell.

"There have been several marriages lately, and consequently an increase m the population may reasonably be expected m the not very distant future," was the conclusion arrived at by an individual outside Wanganui who wants a school m his district. Well, to. say the least, of it such things do happen after marriage.

The Hastings "Standard" boasts that it holds "the proud distinction of being the only daily newspaper m the Dominion that observed a close holiday and. did. not publish an issue on the first .pominion day." And the local "Dominion 1 ' boasts a distinction quite the reverse, and judging by things is not prone to go into' raptures over it.

Ohakune has got a police court and judging from the sinful reports that are wafted down at times, .it got the Court not before it was wanted. Great things were expected the other day when the first Court was held, but only one drunk came up for stouch, and considering the occasion, he was convicted and discharged. He ought to have got a medal, or a drink, or something.

There is trouble m Blenheim over newspaper reporters declining .to withdraw from meetings of the Wairau River Board. Opinions have been expressed by Speaker Guinness and others that the übiquitous scribbler should go when asked, but the local scribes don't give a damn for any opinions, and won't budge, and the only thing the Board can dp is to adjourn and leave the whole question to a committee..

A swagger applied to a goodly Winton farmer for work, and received it, but wanted to know the J wage. "Wait till I: see what Jesus says," was the farmer's reply, and after due meditation said, "I will give you 15s a week." If that's all, I'll not take it— doesn't matter who says so," said the tramp, and shouldered ?'bluey" once more he departed. This is what might be termed sweating the toiler m the name of God. Why is your pious person always so mean ? * * * The industrial school is a system <p£ repression from which the victim emerges, m the natural run ol things, with a desire to commit all those sins, that she or he has been taught not to perpetrate. It is like putting pressure on a spring, the greater the pressure the more forcible is the movement ol the spiral when the pressure is removed, ami girls liberated from industrial schools not infrequently get into trouble. Most of them are ignorant of the world and fall easy victims. At Dunedin recently a girl from the Caversham school, licensed * out as a domestic, was seduced by Arthur Miller, . a drape*-, of 20, who denied paternity, and obtained the same oldj 7s 06, from Widbwson, S.M.

V.M.C.A.; ; .Young Men Cadging Always.

The "Lyttelton Times" has been spelling Dominion with a small d.

The pioneer of the brass band movement has just died m Englandrepentant, we hope. * * • •

Woman is a mass of contrariety. The closer a man gets 'to her the more she cries, "You are going too far!" • /

"Try Force?" Boer girls do, for the latest news from . South Africa says that they are marrying up all the bobbies. *•■• • * . .

. Since 1875,. when- Captain Webb swam the EngJis-h Channel, forty-two attempts have been, made to accomplish that feat.

"Miss Florence Ash, of Orange, New Jersey, dislocated her jaw whilst yawning, and died two days later."— News 'item. The name of the joker who is supposed to have been entertaining her with his conversation at the time is not mentioned.

It is a matter for congratulation that there is not a shortage of bottles m Chrdstchurch as there is m Dunedin. There is no "corner" m bottles m Christchurch : what th« residents know o£ onl^ is the corner pub. Trust the Christchurohians for selling their bottles.

Miss Murcutt, tlie female lecturer who is doing New Zealand on behalf of the shrieking sisterhood, says the finest type . of manhood m the. world is the Scotchman. This was heaved off at Dunedin., and the collection panned out better than usual. Miss Murcutt . mentioned that she wasn't a Scotchman.

The New Zealand Fruit Company, which has its headquarters m Wellington, is capitalised primarily by Chows. The company handles seveneighths of the fruit imported into Wellington, the other eighth being distributed amongst a few white vendors. When the co. has swallowed up the other eighth, fruit will be even higher than the present exhorbitant price.

"I carried 400 bricks up a 40ft. ladder, m one journey," said the noisy maii m the .bar. ''What weight was the bricks.?' 1 asked the small man ia the corner. "Seven pounds !" roared the noisy person, glaring at him fiercely. "Twenty-five hundredweight." said the small man, softly, and as the noisy person got into a fighting attitude, there was a rapid exodus and he found himself alone.

Quite a sensation was caused at Raurimu recently at two' o 3 clock one morn-ins by a man who entered a resident's house clothed only m his pyjamas, and began lighting the fire and cooking breakfast. Upon the occupier remonstrating with him, he swore he had been invited over. He left there arid worked the same game on another resident, and the police were then called m, when he was taken to Hamilton for medical examination. What kind of liquor is there on tap. at Raurimu anyway ?

'At a farewell banquet m his honor at Denniston, Constable Boyd, whom "Truth" recently reckoned ought to be "moved on," made the. following remarks .-—"There is, however, one point that will require watching. I refer to the perpetual habit of making use of obscene language on the streets and within the hearing of people .who resent such filthy, abominable methods of speech. This, practice is chiefly among the youths of the place, who imagine that the,nearest approach to manhood lies m the trail of a stagnant vocabulary. Iwm positive that it is not so much the intention to harass respectable people that these youths collect together as to show how manly it makes them appear." Quite so'! But what is this man policeman or preacher ? Now that he t has gone; there is joy and relief in* Denniston.

For downright" meanness a Wellington music dealer is herewith recommended for promotion. An employee, engaged as packer, who obtained a special knowledge of phonographs m the cold country, fell ill of influenza and was absent a week and two days. He returned to work on the Monday morning and found another man m his nlace. His employer told Mm that m the circumstances ho was discharged, and remarked, "I suppose you want some money." The influenza victim acknowledged that he did, and the music person paid him four days' wages, deducting a proportionate sum for the two days m the- last week of employment, which the unfortunate man spent m bed. The discharged servant, who put m three months with the music dealer, is a new arrival from the Old Country, and doesn't know our laws, tout he is gathering advice.

Undertaker's sign 3 C A' man can't live for ever.'i » » .♦

The number of heirs m an .estate usually includes one or more lawyers.

Football of the future is likely tO: be decided by a "rough-or-rend-em."

.'A . scientist says that the Australasians are a nation of small heads. That is better anyway than being a nation of swollen heads.

Influenza has got m amongst the cows at Ngaire, m the Taranaki district. Can the "flu" be conveyed to humans through ' the milk ?

The Takapuna rammed into the Moturoa wharf on Saturday morning and inflicted damage thereto to the extent of £100. This fact doesn't seem to have been noted by the Press Association*.

A London missionary paper makes "Alfred Jingle" Deakin, Premier of Australia, refer to "our fellow savages m Papua" instead of "our fellow subjects." Yet the missionary journal was not so far away from the truth after all.

It took five years to build the rabbit proof fence m Westralia, the length being 2,036 miles, and the cost nearly £250,000. A man bushed who struck that fence and reckoned he was right would probably strike death ere he travelled the distance.

A thunderbolt struck New Plymouth at 1 o'clock on Tuesday morning, extinguished the electric light, and set the telephone bells ringing. Torrential rain followed. What has New Plymouth been doing to anger Jove ? Is it those oil prospectuses ?

They handle timber m a casual sort of way at Globe, on the West Coast. A man was called to the door of his house the other day just as a huge log crashed through the roof. It came from up the hill somewhere, and killed nobody, because the rest of the family happened to be out. .* * •

The demoralising Mongolian is advertising throughout the country press that he is prepared to take on contracts fop burning off and ringbarking. This is the opportunity of the money-grubbing squatter who despises his lown countrymen as long as the smell of an alien hovers over his domicile.

There is a gang of so-called "siports" m this town, who mostly of night congregate m Manners-street and amuse themselves by passing remarks, insulting or otherwise, to pedestrians. As the humor becomes more boisterous when ladies are present, this gang had better beware ere they come to grief. Anyhow, the police might keep an eye on these chaps. It might give them a chance to pose as martyrs if hauled before Magistrate -Riddell.

There was a large piece of waterproof paper rolling fitfully about Manners-street, a prey to the sportive blast, when a respectable-looking old gentleman rushed eagerly forward, and gathering it up threw it over a neighboring fence. "Thousands of people would pass that by without thinking of picking it up," he remarked m a benevolent manner. It might frighten a horse and cause serious loss of life. Now, I always pick up nails ;■ I've got tins and tins of them at home. You know oh, there's one now !" and the humane old buster rushed his prize. When he turned to resume his conversation,; his audience had gone.

The story of "William and his Goose" is agitating the sense of humor of Wairoa, m Hawke's Bay. William's name is Tymperley, and he owns the Wairoa "Guardian." He sent his missus to Napier, the city of the expensive breakwater, to permit her to recuperate. The trip was successful, and wifey decided to take home a fatted goose to compensate hubby for his heroic fortitude under the misfortune of her absence. Unfortunately Wairoa has a bar which is about as uncertain as a spoily woman's temper, and the steamer Tantraroa couldn't get away. Here was the lady with a goose on her hands, and as a goose can't keep for ever, the cook on the steamer offered to bake it for her and prevent decomposition. The lady preferred to put the bird m the cool stores at the spit. Tke fact that a saving of 7d would be effected by this procedure probably had nothing to do with the decision Unfortunately the boat leaves m the early hours of the morning, and the freezing works couldn't be communicated with. The same thing happened on the next trip a week later, and as the storage charges must have reached appalling dimensions by this time, the newspaper man abandoned •his ' prospective meal, and the neglected bird still lies rigidly m the freezing chamber. It isn't safe now to mention "Goose !" anywhere within one hundred miles ol the •♦Guardian" office.;