THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 120, 5 October 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who cab undaunted brave foe Critic's rage? Or note noraoTcd bis mention m the Critic's page? Parade? his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grnndy's rage defy?

Give a motorist an inch, and he'll go like 'ell. * « •»

Some men make money, some .women make alimony. * * *.

Amusement*— A flower garden sur> rounding a factory.

Blenheim Fire Brigade has a Chow among its members. .

Blenheim hockey players are not a I particular sort. They have a Chow m the club, and seem proud of him.

There ar£ ttwo highly important periods constantly occurring m. a woman's life. One is when her honor is at stake, and the other— when it's not.

A man never gets married so often but that he holds his breath when it conies to that part of the service where the parson asks if there are any objections.

Nothing m journalism can equal the delicate manner m which a "religious paper" that has a standing "ad." on the back page will puff a pill for female ailments.

A virtuous woman, saith the psalmist, is a crown to her husband ; ' but the monotony of the daily life of a virtuous woman 1 has driven many a good man into the lunatic asylum.

A patient ;in the Wellington Hospital describes the food as follows : Diet No. 1 and Diet No. 2. Diet No 1 consists of water and nothing, Diet No. 2 is the same without the water.

A drunk at the S.M. Court on Monday asked his Worship Riddell for a prohibition ticket and he got it. Anyhow, he ought to have waited till election time ; he'd have got plenty tickets of that description.

It must have been some unmarried' fool that said "A child can ask questions that a wise man canuot answer," because m any decent house a brat that starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.

Greymouth has got hold of that rare bird— the humorous parson. Lic x uring recently, the humorous sky-pilot declared that m C '.lica-to there were racing trf^ks carriage *!»*-.ks, bicycle tracks, perambulatur . treks, trotting, tracks— and religioas titcts.

"The wife of Mr R. J. McLean, Eketahuna's County Clerk, p-ave birth to a son about the hour at which the Dominion Day proclamation was made public on Thursday. What shall his name be ?" asks the local paper. Call him Bill Webb, it will do.

The "Grey River Argus" thus wax'-s .eloquently oh New Zealand's promotion to Dominion : "New Zealand v.- ill to-morrow be m the position of a maiden going through the nuptial ceremony." N.Z. a maiden! Gadzooks ! She's quite an old battler now, and is used to it.

Justice Button on the lodger :— "Yo-rig married people should never tn'-c m hoarders. I have seen a lot of trouble caused ,- cases of this kind through & boarder having been taken m." ' Then to petitioner : "If you get married :ain. never take m a boarder." Yes, very often it is the lodger that is taken m..

"What shall we do with our boys?" might be well answered m urging t^at they be made chemists or pill makers— not assistants, but shopkeepers. Mr O. C. Beale, the Royal Commissioner appointed by the Australian Government to inquire' into the patent medicine fakes, reports that a certain brand of pills, retailed at 2s 9tl per box, costs only id. to manufacture, and that an expensive preparation, advertised as a hair restor--er, was so valueless that for Is a thousand gallons could be produced.

Hilma Steer was the applicant ' to Dr. McArthur, S.M., at the Wellington Court last Monday for a certificate to run a registry office at Petone. She got it m the • long run, but not before his curious Worship wanted to know a lot about her hus--band, who didn't work at his bootmaking trade, but helped to run a green-grocer's shop, which, she said, kept both of them. His Worship gave the necessary certificate, but before doing so, advised the .husband to get work. Anyhow, everything should be known about registry-office keepers. Their ways are mostly dark.

Common scsnse is better- than circumstance.. * . ";'■>"*' '"'/"■;." '■%■; . He knows much who knows .when ■-to know nothing. •; * >

"It is better to overlook a wrong than to be suspicious of one.

The lion of the evening" often goes home where he meets his tamer.

The Japs.,- when; they launch a boat, release pigeons instead of smashing • a bottle 6f wine. - They drink the wine, anyhow, and . - that's better, j

Switzerland, -m. proportion to its size, has more hotels than any coun^ try m the world. Now, if ' Wellington could only be caljed a country, where would Switzerland be-?

Where Adam and Eve made a mess of it was m not clearing out of the Garden of Eden just before the figleaf . episode, and getting a job at the "living statuary" . business.

Some cheerful crank has discovered that .our day is not twenty-four hours, but twenty-three hours, fifty-six minutes, and five seconds. Next we'll hear that a year is six months or something.

A Sumner ratepayer writes complaining about. the Council emplbyin.a; Christchurch arid Wpplston men m the septic tank works.; in preference to Sumn'er men, who hare paid rates directly or indirectly for years past. He reckons it is not the correct cheese by a long way.

• It is not often that a bridal party is up to time, but at a Waihi Presbyterian Church ceremony recently, the biiuc was fully ten minutes ahead of the time for ■ commencing i" •• ceremony. She believes'in.being-punc-tual and she made a real good starton the new. section of her life's history. No doubt she wanted to be quite sure that she didn't miss him.

"H.M.S. Powerful" is to put m another term on the Australian station. H'm, and Lome time ago it was given out that the old tub's next port of call;.- would be the scrap-heap. It is wonderful, yet nevertheless true, that John Bull, Esq., invariably displays unwonted generosity m donating to the colonies the most fossilized and antiquated remnants of the fleet. •

Magistrate McArthur was m a bellicose mood when an individual named Endicott, whose little lot was wife maintenance, was mentioned at the S.M.s Court last Monday. Endicott did not turn up, and the Beak expressed the ' wish that he had m order that he might hear something, if only about kicking, up a row m the theatre. Evidently the "Doc" keeps his eyes and ears well-skinned. He must know some ■of his customers by their voices.

"Drunks" have been attempting to corrupt the "Manawatu Standard" staff by offering bribes to the Police Court reporters "to 'keep me name out of de •pyper," and the "Standard" threatens if anyone attempts to bribe the staff again that the wouldbe corrupters . would get more than they desire... Quite so. Reporters, particularly Police Court reporters, are forever being offered boodle to suppress names or facts ; indeed soirie imagine that - a reporter can be bought, body and soul, for a pot of beer. The "Standard"- ought to make good its threat .

From a. Manawatu paper :— "The members of the' Manawatu Mounted Rifles who went to- Wellington for Dominion Day were agreeably surprised by the fact that his Excellency Lord PlUnket at once remembered them as those who'took part m the escort here on ' the previous Wednesday and accorded them a - pleasant greeting. •: This little courtesy was much appreciated by the men." Had he asked them to have a drink it would have been still greater appreciated. Ariyhow, wasn't it "naice" to be remembered by Bill ? These little things do help to build empires. Rats !

A sky-pilot up North' named Luxford, lecturing t'other night observed that, "So far as my experience goes, the many sneering criticisms passed on the British officers m South Africa were entirely undeserved. During my stay there I did meet one Imperial officer who could be described as a "bounder." They were invariably courteous gentlemen." The reverend apologist might tell that to the marines, and not spring it on to a New Zealand audience or congregation. The British officer m the Safrican War was never regarded as a bounder. He was always looked upon as an ass. It was a case of lions being led by asses, and it was often the case during the war that the horse-sense of the men that pulled the asses out of mischief.

■*'■&• South Australian young man, on the eve* pf what was to he his wedding : day, committed suicide. What's the old .adage ?— "Of two evils choose the least."

A- contemporary describing the duties of a . J'pa'leologist" says: THe has to keep a record of antiquities and fossils." Yet, we have no "pale-* ologist" attached to our Legislative Council.

Lucky is he. who lives to middle age to say, "Alea, vina, Venus, tribus his sum fact-tig age'mis"-*- play, liquor, love, by these was I made poor. For regret is a thing best left to women, whereas the memory of big things achieved keeps sweet for ever.

The price of flour has been raised again. Pught on top of the fact that the House of .Reps.' refused to lift the duty off flour, it looks mighty queer. Anyhow, the people will have to pay for. their bread, and the Miller's Trust will keep on making millions. So like the Capitalistic Trust, isn't it.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Following the example of the well-fed A^isJtralian Federal politicians, pome Westralian statesmen asked for an increase from £300 to £400. The grab didn't come off, however, the majority being afraid to vo x o as they wished. When is New Zealand going to follow suit ?

. If our mail-boats could drive along at the speed of the new Cunarder, the Lusitania, the trip to Lunnpn could be done under three weeks, water all the : way. But the last sentence of the cable announcing the record pas--sage reveals the fly m the ointment —"The coal consumption was under a thousand tons per day.'.'- Query :_ How much under ?

The cabled news that English detectives consulted a clairvoyant regarding a murder at . Camdentown, and that the clairvoyant • revealed, the . murderer, is, naturally enough, declared to be bunkum, by local 'tecs. Anyhow, why not have a clairvoyant attached to Lambton Quay. Every time a crime is comrr'i.'"'l she could vhuck. a sovea and the rest would be easy.

A Maori girl, evidently not Inexperienced at the work, was discovered bus*- harrowing a ploughed paddock at Waikanae recently, says a Manawatu paper. She rode on the implement, driving and directing the horser; just as a man who was accustomed to the work. In the next paddock, natives- of the male sex were playing cricket or enjoying a sun bath. Anyhow, that's better than telline- the waihine ' how she ouHit to work.

During the course of. a.. lecture at Timaru recently, by. the Rev. W. Sladc, he said it would be a good thing if English boys. were compelled to salute a Chinaman, once a week, says the "Herald," It would knock some of the conceit out of them, and teach them .to respect their inferiors. If any .lesson should be taught the small ,boy he should be compelled to salute . . a parson once a week, that would make them respect their inferiors.-. .

* Says the cable :— -"Wolfe has made another unsuccessful attempt to swim the channel. . " As . failure after failure is cabled, • year m and year out, it makes the feat of Captain Webb, the sole swimmer to negotiate the distance from Dover- to Calais, seem almost a myth. As it was, it gave Webb a swelled head, sufficiently for him to lose his life shortly after m attempting to float through the Niagara whirlpool, which runs a mighty torrent between the rocky sides of the river below the famous falls.

If the childish procedure now m vogue of lining the school kiddies # up and compelling them to salute a piece of bunting fluttering from the school flagpole is not unadulterated tommyrot, then it is not definable. The joke of the exchanging flag business lies m the fact that the color is imported m the first instance, and was never actually the property of the school. Tb*"i the farce of allowing the helpless nippers to be lectured on history by come-day-go-day politicians * who have derived their knowledge from a faked school primer is ridiculous.

They have some hard case J.'sP. ovei Nelson way. In one of the country towns recently, cne J. P. considered that complainant sueing for an account of £1 C-5 9d for groceries, or cabbages, or something, would have to nrove delivery of every item before a verdict could be given. In another case, the truant inspector ( chairman of the school committee) swore an information against a parent before a J. P. who was a member of the school committee, and the case was tried belore a bench on which sat two other members of the school committee. .To their credit be it said the case was non-suited with costs to defendant. But what possibilities !

Time and- tide wait for the moon 7 * * .*

Most pick-me-ups are knock-me-downs. ' " '.

Woman's prodigality with man's money makes countless thousands scorn.

Magistrate McArthur has gone up about six. "The Dominion," which of all newspapers m New Zealand ought to know. better, calls Dr. Mac. "His - Lordship." Anyhow, that's better, than being • hailed as ' 'His Reverence,'.' or "His Grace."

A man may show his good breeding and his high appreciation of his wife's excellent qualities by treating her always with the utmost cour.te'sy ; but for . all this he should not 1 forget that she likes him to tickle her under the chin occasionally.

A resident of Opunak* claims io bsvc one Of the first copies of Maana Charta, made by order of Stephen Langton, Archbishop of Canterbury. The possession of the Great Charter m Opunake might account for lots of things m that town. It was the Barons of England, led by Stephen Langton, that took the law into their own hands, and made Kine: John give a guarantee to respect the rights of Englishmen.

The Dukhobors, a cranky set of religious maniacs to be found only m Canada, about take the bun when it comes to showing what religion can do for people said to be civilised and christianised. Quite recently a tribe of "Duks," silly geese they are, set out on a southern march, and all the females were clad m their night-gowns. Such a march would go great m these heathenish parts. What a hit they'd make m Willisstreet on a Saturday night.

"The London Times" report of the champioriship skulling match read as follows :— "The sculling championship of the world was won on Saturday by C. Towns, who beat Webb, of New Zealand, by two lengths." What has Wanganui to say to this ? It's rank blasphemy it's worse than a, mistake.. Wanganui ought to demand somebody's blood. Anyhow, what sort of chronicling cuss 'is the "Times" Australian correspondent, or what price the idiots at the other end of the cable.

One could hardly expect it from such a source, yet it is placed on record by a country paper that* m charging the Grand Jury at Napier Mr Justice Button, referring to the Criminal Code Act, mentioned that ho himself, when a member of the House, had been instrumental m securing an amendment of the Act providing that m the matter of indecent assaults it was no offence if the male was the same age as the female, or the latter was older than the male. Hisonah evidently holds the opinion that often it is not the female that requires protection. One could hardly credit Justice Button with possession such an opinion, Anyhow, on paper it looks much like it.

' The tbrring and feathering episode at Opunake -recalls a somewhat similar incitent that occurred there a few veais ago, says an exchange. The. mounted rifles were m camp and the usual pranks were being played. Towards the end of the encampment some one conceived the idea of having a joke at the captain's expense. This was a brilliant . ider ; but how were they p-o---ing to make a butt of the captain without beinp- caught ? This proved an insurmountable hurdle, so it was decided to make the skipper's horse boar the brunt. There were no sounds ' : revelry by night, but halfclad forms flitted to and fro, and m the morning the captain's snowwhite charge appeared m roseatehued. spJetdor. . The horse had been painted led. The incident caused a hubbub m camp, but the jokers were never found out.

Morphia and money-lenders were the princinal cause of Edward Cornwall Clark's downfall at Gisborne. 'He-Was 4 consumptive and started the selfadministration of morphia to : allay pain, until he had developed into a confirmed morphiomaniac. One would think a man like that would keep off marriage, but four years ago ;he took a wife to share his misery. Also she doubled his expenses, and as he was -retting only £3 a week from Williams and Kettle, the large northern merchants, he began" to fall into arrears. Shortages m his cash were the result, and shortages to the extent of £900 were recently discovered. This is where the money-lenders came m. In the Supreme Court it was represented to Justice Denniston that Clark was m +he habit of taking -10 minims ef lyco-morphia six times a day. and to deprive him of the drug m his present condition would be fatal. His Honor remarked that it was best for Clark and societv tjhat he should be placed under restraint m a place where he should receive proper treatment, and the judge sentenced him to twelve months' imprisonment.