THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 119, 28 September 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted bravo bho Oiifcic'irage? Ornot«umnoverthisrae»tio«iatboGritt«'sp&ge? Parado his arror m tLe pnbliu eye ? And Mothfci.- Gruudy 'p raiio daf v ? Pride gees before a rise. Nothing succeeds like money. * * * There is no fool liko tho cne m. the lunatic asylum. * * * | A ~ r om2.n scncrallr, averages tkic^s v? Ly calculating 'hit fcer s^r .- '.crui'uca 'lit ar^d -bar old man's twelve j.:d air\teTir.Y. krier average £4 each. « * It iz suggested th».t Webb's success ca the T7f.tor is dv» to tfce f 'j . vhat iin is wetb-iootsd. Tb<?! man Vvl.j br-^dgl. . ths sup^eftion. into "Truth ofif:ce died iastdntly— in tact a htilo sooner. ■t * ». 'A 7, 7 cllingtcn boy shallowed a pei»'ny the other 6. ay. Kis auxi^us inoti'.er, \?heu :\sked Jacv Tommy v?r;S r/ett.'iftx on, lep.litd that there was "no change yet." ** • * Tht> attention of the travelling public is directed to the fact that there are a number ol alterations m the railway time-table, the particulars of wkioh are set forth m the railways advertisement m another COIUDQB*

A woman's wink is better than a nod.

Prayer is the refuge of the uncourageous* . ... -

The way of the world is mostly the woman's way.

It is the man who never lalls who tumbles m when he meets an alluring bit of skirt. •

The dairies m the North Canterbury district could do with a lot more attention than they receive. Many of them are m ' a disgraceful state ; modern improvements are unknown, and they 'cannot be inspected at all if appearances are any criterion. ■

The "dcmoralisinp; effect of the Exhibition" was. the excuse given at the annual rneetinr: of the Christchurch Lawn Tennis Club to account for the falling off m interest during last yearV; "'-inK season. Bai jove. That's the same reason two-up schools didn't flourish, we suppose.

Jn" keeping v/ith its policy 06 putting people on the land the Government are going to evict everybody who, at Ohakune, have installed themselves on Government property. They iumped the land, and now C4overnment is going to jump on f!\?m. Why, it sounds like an Agrarian outrage.

From a New • Plymouth paper :— "There were 131 children absent when the Centra! School re-opened on Monday morning." •"Where are the 130 odd kids, pretty maid ? :I i: Gone a milkin' the cows, sir/ she said. * * •

The chain prayer crank is still on the pious job m Wellington and making Svi-ange threats of future miEfortune to those who do not con"linuc the chain. When will the authorities jump down on the cranks. Ohcvin-letter, is it ; the miserable mob who keep the thing going ought to be m a chain-gang. With n warder over them to wee that they don't break the chain either.

Something of a legal record was achieved at "the Christchurch Court the. other day. when an r.npeal case '.vas called, argued, and judgment given, m the space of seven minutes. The parties m the particular case had no reason io complain of the law's delay. Truly a record. Its generally the ra.so that last seven minutes and the argument re costs goes on for all eternity.

•An Auckland lady (Miss Colson) has patented an idea by means 01 which ladies will be m the happy position of being able to fasten on their hats without using hat pins at all. The contrivance fits inside the hat, and is quite invisible. The hat is held firmly m position, and the invention has the advantage of being very simple m construction and cheap to produce. Anyhow, what will t^o ladies do without their hat-pins. They're handy weapons at times, particularly m dark spots.

The "flue" has got Christchuvch by the throat just now. and the doctors who aren't laid up with it themselves are doin^ a first-class trade. Most businesses arc being run by office boys, end the man who doesn't smell of whisky stinks of eucalyptus ; frequently he gives out an odour of both. Quite a host of people are making it an excuse to take a holiday, and the corpse planters a:: scouting round for dead 'uns every day, and are reaping a prettyi fair harvest, too.

What do the temperance push want ? Whatever do they expect people to drink ? They are going Track on tea and Laurenson, the coldwaterite m the House of Representatives, recently gave it as his opinion that '. ?a-drinking is one of the greatest evils of our modern life. "We are poisoning ourselves and tanning ourselves inside." Well, if that is the case the average individual will stick to beer. It hasn't that effect anyhow. It might cause a bloom to the boko, but rather a boko m. ltlossom than a tanned stomach. What uoes Laurenson drink himself, anyhow.

Ab'o'\+ 1/7o yp.i-rs-ago a man named' Leonard M. Jay brought an action against t. g?,ol warder m Auckland for us>ig force i i taking " '"» photograph while he vfp.s under arrest on tc charge of theft. Tbe magistrate decided m favor of the prisoner and -warded him £10 damages. He was, however, con-iefced of the charge of theft and sentenced to 12 months' imprisonment. After serving the sentence Jay went tc S^divy, and the New Zealand Commissioner of Police has now been advised ti^at he has just been sentenced to two years' imprisonment for uttering counterfeit coin m that city. Now he won't have cause to compl<\Lr of having his phizog taken. It will serve to illustrate a lot of albums that only policemen aie eatitled to look at.

Brevity is the refuge of the untalkative. * * *

& stitch m time saves the missus a lot of work.

An old dog for the unwatched meat at the butcher's.

Adam was the only married individual never troubled with dress bills.

As a Scotchbyterian parson once remarked to his junior devil-dodger, "All things are lawful, .but all things are. not expe-e-dient."

'At a recent wedding ceremony held not a hundred miles from Pahiatua, the bridegroom, m response to the question by the clergyman, "Wilt thou ha.ye * this woman to be they wedded' wife ?" replied. "Yes, please, sir." He's bound to be hen-pecked!

A jocose individual down at Westport, who is a member of the local Fire Brigade, wrote the other day apologisiiif for his non-attendance on the score that he was engaged m a "coupling event" at a local church. Cold 'water should be thrown on that kind of levity.

"Cheer up !" cried a stout-hearted punter, to a pal who had |ust droplied his oof on a slow brute ; "it's a long; lane that has no turning !" "Strike me pink," snorted the unlucky one ; "It's not the matter of a long lane with me— l'm running m a -blankv circle !"

It is reported that two lunatics are at large m the bush at Ohakune. Cases of lunacy are somewhat prevalent m the Waimarino just now, possibly the outcome of the vile liquor obtainable there, suggests a Taihapo paper, and it is" i.-ot far wide of the mark either.

A Sydney doctor, m a recent divorce suit, said the accepted medical testimony regarding persons addicted to opium was that they became inveterate liars. He had found out from his experience that they were wilful and deliberate liars, and read from a medical work m substantiation.

Evidently the Balclutha "Free Press" is .slinging compliments around, as it says m its last issue "That the police were moved to inquire into the. conduct of the Criterion Hotel, Christchurch, by a scathing article m John Norton's 'Truth.' The man with the muckrake has his uses."

September 20 was Alma Day, September 26 Dominion Day, October 21 — :71 see Trafalgar Da' October 25 will commemorate Balaclava, November 9 is Inkerman Day and Kins; Edward's birthday. It is something, however, to realise that we occasionally get a day of rest. This is truly a strenuous life.

There is trouble of a kind . m the Post and Telegraph Office, and it is all due to the fact that the V.M.C.A. disciples or reformers have been let loose, and they want things conducted on prayerful lines, and the ungodly are accordingly bucking against it. The staff, anyhow, wants reforming a bit, but the wowser isn't the nose-poking curse to do it. ;

Poor baby, !. -Prom the Auckland "Star" :- WANTED, some kind Person, to adopt a Healthy Baby Boy, one month old ; premium given ; entire surrender.— Address X.V.X., Star Office. ' , Quito so. Entire surrender. Sounds like a sale of bankrupt stock.

Down at Timaru t'other day somebody got inquisitive and wanted to see how a hospital contribution box m the local courthouse was getting on. It was opened accordingly, and the enormous amount of Us 7-J-d came to light. The box. it is alleged had not been opened for thirty years. Anyhow. Timaru got a bit of a shock when the result was known. No wonder !,

"Is it a fact that you pointed out two dead sheep running with 11%?---mob," was the somewhat .Mysterious query directed by a solicitor to a witness at the Wanganui Court, tbe other morning. Tt is needless to say. that the witness answered m the negative, but the 'learned gentleman' reiterated the inquiry several times, until the question was ultimately ridiculed by the witness. And lawyers arc regarded as learned persons. * # •

The danger of polished floors was exemplified at Palmsiston North the other day, when the Mayor met with a painful accident by slipping 'on a highly: polished -linoleum, causing him. to strain the. iHuscles of /his back. Wo all sympathise with his Worship, of course, but if other borough councils could get slippery eel linoleum and enable councillors to fall and strain the muscles of their tongues how happy, some folk would be.

Woman is an expensive blessing.- --* • * A' newspaper "chestnut"- enjoys a remarkairty Ions; career of usefulness. * * *

Says the "Pink W of Churchill : —"So our only Winston is oft to Uganda. Birds of a feather^-eh, what V'- Notib'sud, even for the "Pink •Un."

Too many people look miserable wfcen they sing," says a ;; noted musical authority, who might have added that the listeners are very, often "more so."

No slave-holding people ever were an inventive people. In a slave-hold-ing community the upper classes may become luxurious and polished, but never inventive.

A'" man nan&d Knight led a maid named Close to the altar last week. Now it's a case *of Knight— Close for the remainder of their lives., "Critic" hopes so, at all events.

British War Office contracts with a Yankee firm for the supply of 100,---000 horse shoes. The British people pay, but they are not good enough to do the work and earn the money.

Wellington publicans use a considerable amount of paint weekly m obliterating obscene remarks pencilled on the walls of the ordinary conveniences by senseless idiots of lewd proclivities.

The constant efforts of the Dowager Empress to educate and reform China are said to have affected her nerves to the extent of driving her silly. This proves that it takes a man to do a real man's work.

It has been proved that 32,000 beggars are at present making a better living m Vienna than ordinary working men. The same may be said with equal truth of the swarm of professional labor-dodgers m this country.

A touring lecturess the other night said : "There arc just as many good women as gop* men ; and no more." As there are^^r more women m the world than nien, she must mean that her surplus sisters are a very bad lot.

The Health. Commissioner of Washington, U.S.A., declared that while kissing on the mouth is dangerous* it is all right to kiss on the check." "Critic" would like to mention, however, that if the . cheek , belongs to another man's wife the contact i»s even nior<? -daagerous than kissing on the mouth.

The telegraph office on the Palraerston ITorth railway station would be better 'appreciated if the attention was more prompt there. "Critic" was kept waiting a considerable time on two occasions last week, and it is most annoying, as one generally looks for some refreshment at this station.

"The 'old girls' of the New Plymouth High School are endeavoring to form' a cricket c]ub," says a local paper. Another encroachment on the rights of man, but the "old girls" aforementioned are ducks, and, no doubt, the "old boys" will give 'em all they want when it comes to a friendly tussle.

San Francisco eight-hour idemonstrators, angry because the Tramway Company would not give them a chance- to make a sufficiently effective skovr, attached the drivers, who proved arme-d to the teeth, and shot two of the rioters. Tbisi. fortunately, is the sort of thins that isn't possible to the Australasian temperament..

Absolute political equality does not m itself prevent the tendency to inequality involved m the private ownership of land. It is further evident that political co-existing vith an increasing tendency to the unequal . distribution of wealth, must ultimately beget either the despotism of organised tyranny or the worst despotism of anarchy.

A Tasmanian at present visiting Wcllinstoij says 'that lower wages are paid m Holiart than m any 'Other part of Australia, and supplied as an instance the wages of corporation laborers. Suck men, he says, only receive 16s per week for six days' work, and very long days at that. "Them cruel, slavery days" that the old song speaks of seem to be living again m Hobart.

7?k~en the political orator allows his tongue to run away with his thoughts and discovers his hasty expressions m cold, matter-of-fact type next day, he sits down at once and writes a long letter ■to the newspaper casting the blame upon the poor reporter — who of course, is more disinterested m the matter than the politician himself— for wilfully inventing; the portion of the speech that the speaker is ashamed of.