THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 118, 21 September 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can nnflani-ted brave the. Critic's rage ? Or n»te nnnaoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parado hia error m tfee public aye ? And Mother Grnndy's rage defy?

A pub well swept isn't always a pub well kept..-

The umpire is usually the most criticised man m a match.

•"Bedroom Whisky" is now the popular beverage' in Christchurch.

-Trust not the Wellington streets They .throw, dust m .your eyes. ;

r When a divorcee and a widow meet m rivalry the devil holds his breath...

There is a /duty on matches, but there is no likelihood of a slump m Wellington matrimonial offices. .

When he trips to Akaroa oa ofiicial busihess bent- Magistrate V. G. Day of Christchurch, always has fine weather, but whether he always fines or Hot is another matter,

Biograph man's motto—Film up again !.

Fools f or_m the largest tribe humanity wots of. . .

The • woman-hater is made, the man-hater is marred.

Houses are built for cockroaches as well as for men. * * *

The greatest of all mysteries-boarding-house • curry.

All angels are represented as -i females—all devils as men. * » *

A Chicago professor declares that before many .centuries are over women, will wear -whiskers. Just like their cheek.,

Jusfc because/ their wives don't make a fuss, a lot of men- are deceived into believing' that their wives accept the excuses they make.

The people Who laugh' most at life's little worries go under soonest to life's big ones, but the man or woman who worries • over trifles brings only shallow feelings to the greatest woes.

Our idea of diplomacy is, prevailing upon a man to do something we want him to do, when he, does not want' to do it. without, letting him know that he is doing it, because we. want him to do it.

Gone, but not forgotten.- During the Transvaal election campaign a wreath was placed upon -Pa_ul Kruger's grave, . hearing the words : — "The best friend . the working man ever had m South Africa."

Four Kentucky men have died of poisoning after drinking .beer, the barrel was examined, and a dead snake was found m it. We do things differently m Wellington. Here people who nuaff notations of some local tanglefoot don't drink snakes, but see 'em !

'A country cannot have Federation and Home Rule at one and the same time, but sleenv Newfoundland thinks it can. This liu.ee fog-bound island m the North Atlantic, whose stanle product is codfish, claims that all the fish within three miles bf ''her shores, and expects Britain to battle, if needs be. for the selfish— or sell fish— claim. Would Newfoundland do as much for the Mother Countn* ?

The Ohow "will gfct his opium somehow. Recently a Sydney slant-eyed merchant sent seven bags of onions to a Townsville (Queensland) countryman, and one bag was left on the jetty wharf at -Townsville. Burns, Philp and Co., m delivering the consignment, made un the number with a bag of onions from their own store. Later on they trot the missing one, and, on examining the contents, found a 6£ftj tin of opium m the centre. Thß Customs were duly informed. Query : How. many -tins were m the other bags ?

How do .wharf l_ifo.6rers gert on when they have drinky wives and a large family to keep •? How much do they owe their creditors ? Sarah Ann Heron was charged at the Police Court a,t .Chrisifcchurch on Tuesday with haying smashed her prohibition order all to- -pieces'. .'Tt was her own particular prohibition order, but she couldn't do what she liked with it, it appears, as the law holds a piece of it as security. But it was broken, and when Sarah trotted along to Court, the other afternoon, it was stated that she had eight children. Well, how a wharf iahorer can maintain a dirinkv pife and eight children, and only do casual work, and have the dog hounds of law wearing out his door-mat, no money to drink himself, is beyond comprehension. However, Beak Bishop is a humane 8.8.|. and m consequence the woman who is putting, up 'thebSrth-rate (perhaps '.hey have got no boots) is given a chance. In this case she was let go without paying a fine. No matter. What does anything matter m this world ?

Wellington streets are -becoming dangerous for young, and even old, unprotected females to traverse afterdark, and it might just c.s well be that the police should keep a special eye on "the masher, who does not draw the line at offering --toss insults to females. One of these skunks got a dirty doing m Lambton Ova" late last Saturday evenine. when, after persisting m his attentions and his expressed desire to see a respectable young ' woman home, he got a nasty back-handed smack across the face from her. As it was, the young woman, m order to escape the blackguard's attention, had to seek the protection of another man and, of course, the masher made off. These mashers want mashinr m a different sense, and if one or more of them were locked up for insultinc conduct, it might mean that young women can walk along ■out th'&rofu^hffaiep free from insult,

Some children have awkward parents.

The. .way. of the. transgress or. is easy ; if he's got any money.

The •" reason women , take so long to say Good-byo is because they are each determined to have the last word.

The appearance on the Stratford Council table of some temperance literature ruffled the feathers of some of the Borough Council t'othernight. Why. "Critic" .wants/to know. Are Stratford councillors above being taught /a lesson or .two m temperance. • * * ■ ■

Andrew Carnegie has written to the Eltham Borough Council, refusing to contribute towards a library building. Ah, Ah.' Evidently the canny Caledonian has tumbled to N.Z.s great cadge. Perhaps this refusal will stop others from crawling. Eltham doesn't want a library anyhow, all it's time is wanted for. cow.

No fewer than two' thousand people m Nelson (says a Picton correspondent of the Marlborough Express) of all ages and sexes, have been afflicted during this, last few weeks by the influenza fiend. Thc rest of the male grown-up population went to Wellington as a deputation to the Premier to urge upon him the necessity of railway extension m the district.

That' infamous murderer and manufacturer of crime, Pinkerton. head of the American detective agency, is dead. If his successor (McParland) and all the gang who shot down Carnegie's workers by Carnegie's orders because they asked for a living wage, were to die, America would be a little more honest than it is, and hell would be reinforced by tbe acquisition of the greatest scoundrels of the century.— "Hastings Bulletin." * *■ *

A statue of a trooper, by way of a memorial to contingenters, was purchased some time ago for erection m ' the centre of Invercargiil. Work was postponed during the winter. Recently a start was made m putting up the trooper. The men engaged m the work dropped the trooper after raisine it four feet, and broke the neck, both legs, and the rifle m its hands. The monument cost £85. and was got from Italy. Now, had the trooper been holding a chicken , the tale might have been a different one.

-A 1 late American newspaper conveys the information that John Brislin, inventor of the massive rolling' miachitnery, by whioh beams of iron weighing tons are run through the rolls, and through which Andrew Carnegie made most of his millions, died at Pittsburg at the age of 72, blind and m poverty. Quite so- Yet New Zealand borough councils are eternally crawling and cadging libraries from the blood-sucking Scot. When next a library cadge is -proposed let John Brislin be remembered. He helped to make Carnegie's millions, and what was done for him. Allowed to die m the gutter, blind . and starving* .

An -Irishman, -it is said, dearly loves a. fight •: but it must also be said of him that he occasionally spoils for a scrap which has religion at the bottom of it. T'other day "m New South Wales, when, religious strife was under discussion, one John Meagher, M..L..C, said "he had no ' objection to . a fight. In fact, it made them strong to have a row now and then. 1 - It put them on their mettle. The Cardinal had been quiet lately. but he hoped soon to see him out again." All that can earnestly be hoped is that the Kyardinal will keep quiet. In fact, he ought to be gagged,, if the opening of his mouth means a religious fight.

'Jap jingoism seems to have run riot, down m Dunedin. where a number of loyalists and alien lovei's, recognised m Jap Admiral Togo a second. Nelson, and accordingly sent him, when he smashed up the Russian fleet, a handsome silver casket. The monkey took a long time to acknowledge the gift, but it came along the other day, when from Tokio the following letter was received by each of the loyal persons :— "Allow me to tender to you my most sincere thanks for the very kind address you have srnt^me In recognition of the slight service'l rendered to mv country during the late war. Tlie beautiful silver casket, which I received through his Excellency Sir Claude Macdonald, I shall ever treasure as a memento of the kindly feelings which have been shown towards me by unseen friends beyond the seas'. T beg, m conclusion, to thank you once more, and to request you to do me the favor of accentinn- mv portraits, of which I herewith present one, as a slight token of my gratitude to each of the gei-tlemen who have been good enough to sign the address.— l am, gentlemen, your most obedient servant, jA^majrali H* {FasTi-'*

The only figures that never lie are lav. figures.; *■ * *

Opinion : The only inalienable specif ,s>f ■ private property.

A still tongue and a wise head doesn't suit the blatant auctioneer.

If some of the noveaux riches, sat m the shade of the family, tree they would catch a chill..

Last Monday was the sixty-eighth anniversary of the sailing of the first body of emigrants from Gravesend for New Zealand.

Returns show that there are '4000 Japanese m Australia, mostly m the Northern parts. The. anti-Jap feeling is bound to break out there yet.;

-They start young m Wellington. Two girls m short frocks were recently remanded on the good old charge of "idle, and disorderly." Buckley and Sullivan were their names.

An elderly man; who was sentenced at Johannesburg' for theft, declared that he had been m 133 gaols,' and that he intended to wi_ite a book on prison life. Anyhow, he ought to know ahout it. "Critic" wonders bas he been m the Lyttelton Inferno .

When Madame Albani was m Dunedin, one of the papers made a curious but decidedly awkward blunder m announcing the programme of a concert. It was stated that the great singer would sing "Beethoven's immoral love song, 'Adelaide.' " .

THE CRICKET BALL, Bring out the' bat, sky-high tbe.ball, For every dog must have his day ; Jump m your flannels, one and all,

We'll chase 'those toeballers away ! Bring out the nets and roll the pitch,

And rise the wicket on the grassTo bowl the ball our fingers itch, Our day, at last', has come to pass !

In a criminal court case m London recently a gambler, who turned King's evidence, stated that he and the accused had travelled continuoUsly on the big liners from London to New York and lived by systematically rooking mugs at Bridge during the vovaee. In twelve months they had 10.000 dollars to the good and all exes 'paid. It's a fine old moral : "Never gamble with a chance travelling acquaintance ! "

Another instance of young Australia being inspired to deeds of derrin*** do. A trio of budding, wild colonial boys, armed themselves with a set of cheap pistols over m Perth recently, and went forth to conquer the world. They let drive at a passinp- train just for a bit of practice then a fleet-footed John suddenly materialised and ran them to earth. A sport by the name of Deadwood Dick is being held responsible for the happening !

Something unique m the. way of a high dive- was attempted by a would-be suicide m Victoria recently. He climbed on the top of a lofty wind-mill; and plunged towards the earth with the' object of cracking his' neck; but got caught. by the trousers on a pine, tree branch, and was finall-" unhooked by a copper, and carted off to the jug. It was real bad luck, after such a hard climb to be cheated thus. A case oi M'-Beware the pine trees withered

The other 'day a traveller who passed 'through Wanganui states that the town has recovered from Webb's victory, and is mostly 'm the same place again. Critics have dubbed the settlement Webb Town, and one has suggested the substitution of Webbanui for Wanganui, but the change has not yet been adopted by ■the Borough Council. As Wanganui did not win the Ranfurly football shield, it probably intends to lie low for a time. Anyhow, it's something to know that the head-swellf ing has gone down somewhat.

A victim of the yellow "agony appeared m Wellington' Magistrate's Court this week, when Clara Doyle was charged with being an idle end disorderly person. Sergeant Beattie testified that the woman had been observed late on the previous night accosting a man and soliciting and she was also m the. Habit of contorting with Chows.. Magistrate Riddel! • "Have you any -questions to ask the Sergeant ?" Clara : "If you let me off this time, and give me a chance " His Worship : "That will do !" Constat* '2 Lister stated that \::s knew .the accused as a common prostitute, for twelvo months, during which period she haunted those delightful residential localities North and Haining-streets. His Worship : "What.. have you got to say?" Clara ; "If. . you will .let me off this time I'll go to my mother. I had- no drink for a long time, but I did get drunk lasc night." Sersreant Phair put m a long list of previous convicfci.oni- i Tkree months..

There is nothing, like cheek—especially if it .is round and rosy*

An open door tempts the saini^ A clpsed one hides the sinner..

An old-age pensioner : A skeleton left hy the wolves after feeding., * * *

The man who makes love to his own wife doesn't give the other fellow- a chance^ * * *

. The ' man who affects to despise manly beauty is the hardest to please when his own, photograph is taken. ..'.'•* ■ * * E-rvDt has 11,20G,359 inhabitants, m addition to nomad Bedouins, who do not linger m any one place long enough to be counted. The increase during ten years was 1,500,000. A- drunk, by name Arthur -Rayner, was called during the week at Wellington Magistrate's Court, and a tottering old man was produced. It was subsequently found that this wasn't Rayner, and the court fell into a state of confusion until the right man was forthcoming.

A beeivsoured woman turns to sweets. Two , boxes of lollies and a pine-apple were stolen by a Christchurch woman t'other night,' whale swankified. She is not now allowed to booze for some time. There are some people who would _ steal Warner's Hotel if they thought nobody was looking.

An elderly Maori visitor stepped on the pennv-in-the-slot weighijig machine at the Carterton railway station the other afternoon, and registered 19st-<-llfe, almost overcoming the canacity of the indicator. An evidence, no doubt, of a land overflowine with milk and honey, or bilk and bunny or anything that makes people fat.

An idea of the public feeling, at Opunake m regard to the tarring and feathering episode may be gleamed from the fact that the accused are to be given a send-off social the nifrht before the trial. This, not m anticipation of their being detained at Government lodgings for a short period, but as an appreciation of the action they took.

Taihape Justices of the Peace last Monday sentenced an individual named Geo. Stephens to two months' hard labor for playing "two-up." Taihape Justices were Messrs H. D. Bennett and J. P. Aldridge. Stephens might have got off with a fine .had not there been crook coins introduced. They know how to do thines properly, m Taihape sometimes.

A' Bible thumper, m a suburban Bethel last Sunday night expressed his gratification at the way the young, men were beginning to come along to his Psalm soirees since the "two-ui" schools and other soulslaving lures had been swept away. More likefv it is his choir of pretty damsels that is the true cause of the voune: bucks swelling the confrregation. It is a miserable business waiting outside these winter nights !

It is humorous, or rather pathetic, as a beaten pug sinks wearily into' his chair,' between rounds, to hear his towel shakers telling him what to do to sweep his enemy clean off the face of the ring. "Watch his right, and you will be a dead cert, to win," they, for instance, din into his confused brain. Then he watches the right, and the other bloke comes m with his left. Then the crowd has nothing further to stay for, and files out to the pub to discuss the fight !

Waitotara is concerned over a monstrosity m the form of twin lambs, joined together at the briskets/. The combination, says' the New Plymouth "News," has eight legs, all properly placed, and two heads, one of which is normal, while the other is a most extraordinary looking specimen, being almost totally unlike a lamb's head. It is of large size, has two mouths. two noses, and three tongues. It is also a peculiar fact that the ewe also gave birth to a third lamb, which is of the usual build and size, and is doing well.

T'other night two' policemen on the Manners-street, beat found a wellknown tobacconist's door wide oPen and extending an invitation to, Bill Sykes and others dishonestly inclined to come within and help themselves. Same policemen promptly secured the place and kept the key and returned it to the owner the next morning. The said owner was so overcome, so bountiful m his gratitude that words failed him- though it did not prevent him offering the policeman a whole cigar. Such gratitude as this wants to be recorded m letters of gold. It would have paid the bobby better to have let the caboose been burgled und then collared the burglars