THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 116, 7 September 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Wlio.can nndaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or.note unmoved hismantion m tho Oritic's page? Parade his error m t_B public eye ? A.nd Mother Grundy's rage defy?, • . . !; Virtue is only a real necessity to a niaa or woman with a boss. •Tell tlie truth, and ypiy: enemies will spring up like mustard seed. * * * The jealous husband' says that a union is the -dead enemy of trust. * * ... ■■ • * Prison : An oven 'where Society puts newly-made crime to harden. ■* * * In the ma/trimonial library the most .important hook is the chequebook. ..'•-. * * * Truth : liie exotic of a barbarous age ; the .hardy flower of an intelligent one. 'aa ■ . • Often a politician's success is due to his asking many questions and answering none. * * * Secrets she can't tell worry a worn* an as much as the money he can't spend worries a man., ** ' * The Military ': . The first hope of the wealthy oppressor, and the last hope of the oppressed democracy. * * * A' man trying to make an honest living should, succeed. He has no. opposition worth mentioning. * *. . * A' Christchurch vagrant stated m Court that he had a million m tho .banlc. He got three months. Even millionaires' are inconvenienced sometimes., * * * (A woman presiding at a club meeting, no matter how handsome she is, doesn't appeal tb a man like the flufiy little creature who cooks on i the chafing dish^ * a * Miss Left had a particular friend, and she confided m him., "The man I marry,'' said she "will have to he brave enough to face an angry alligator." The friend innocently remarked : "That's right!" and he has been wondering why she* was shocked. I *• * * An expert authority says alcohol favors the flow o<f blood to the skin, and thus relieves the . internal organs, whilst tea and coffee act the other way. One active internal organ- often . testifies to the truthfulness of this statement m lurid language., * *..>}'*' The weather was horribly inclement at the incompleted 'match between Wellington and Taranaki on Saturday, last, and when JoeWardi walked on -to the ground there was real enthusiastic applause. The Premier must have been strongly, tempted to stay at home.* *■ * m An Austrian named Lulich, who has been working at the Auckland goldfields, got the singular mania tha). food was unnecessary to sustain life, and went eight days without tucker. Starvation induced him to eat immoderately, and he broke out m the same spot, He has been moved to a mental asylum for treatment, and Ihe authorities . are . pleased with the knowledge that it won't take much to keep him if he persists m the starvation role., * • * * The effect of the declining birthrate is counteracted to a great extent by the merely passionate female who follows the laws of nature unrestrained. The name of the girl who was pulled up 'at the Wellington Magistrate's Court for the support of her first unintentional chad is herewith suppressed m the interests' of charity, but when it was -mentioned m the. Magistrate's' Court, Wellington, that the girl had bjecn guilty of another child, the bench looked' grave. It Was mentioned subsequently that the father of the second . child was going to marry the girl, who was really nice-looking and was quite willing to support the first kid. Magistrate Riddell's task was quite easy after this, and he made an order m conformity,, with the above sentiments.

A- duck of a girl can make a goose out of any man. * * # A brother is a home-made mirror that never flatters. * * * Everything m the way of trouble comes to them who mate. *• * • * • Even the dignified man would rather bend a little than go brok_. ; * * * It can't be much fun for a girl to marry a man who is already bald. * # # The number of heirs m an estate usually includes cne or more lawyers. * - * A little limelight now and then Is relished by the best -of. men. * * * One evil impulse teaches a man or woman more of evil than all -the , parsons can. * * * She that stints her heart to feed her brain will sooner or later die of soul starvation. <= * .* If a man knows one woman thoroughly he has gone a long way to knowing all aibout the rest. * * » Gushing letters can be written as easily m the scullery with a lead pencil stump as m the library with a fountain pen. * . * * No twins have been born at St. Helen's Maternity Home, Christchurch, since it opened, but the matron is hopeful. * * * The jealous wife shouldn't try to lay the .ghost of her. husband's first love. No man remembers any woman that long. * * a i Observe tlie diligent man— he shall j stand m the presence of princes. I Consider the ways of the diplomat— !he sits right along' up. beside them. I a * * | There were strong remarks made at j the annual meeting of the Christ- ! church Cycling Club, and somie of j them were dirty observations, too. 'And the inquisitive public want to know what the devil these people haTC been up to now. * * * ' A depraved woman who Was fined at the Christchurch Police . Court this week for swankey, now . runs under her. maiden name, but years ago she ,bore that of one of the partners m one of the biggest . drug firms m Maoriland.. He divorced her. * . * * A solicitor remarked m the Wanganui Court this week that he did not recjiu re costs, and the listeners were terribly staggered by the admission. H'S Honor Button was moved to say that it was very pleasing to have to deal with gentlemen who were alive to the courtesies of the profession.: * * *. . The Canterbury a nd - Otago- anglers are buctoing against the new fishing regulations, which limit a fisher to 20ft s weight of fish taken from one stream m one day, as they reckon that they often get a fifteen pounder m their rivers, and would have therefore to he content with one fish per day. Trout-fishing m this .country will shortly be as exclusive a sport as it is m England,' where it is almost a hanging matter for one of the "people" to catch a trout." Trout are all right m their way,, but our rivers are too valuable to be shut up for the sport of a few gold-bugs. How would it be if all rivers were closed against trout fishers tWo years out of three, and the third year left open to any josser that chose to have a go at 'em, so long as he fished fair ? Dynamite caps and nets prohibited.; * * * OWNERS OF THE UNIVERSE, Let us corner up the sunbeams;,, < Lying all around our path ; Get a trust on wheat and roses, Give the poor the thorns and chaff ;• Let us find our cbiefest pleasure, Hoarding bounties of to-dayi, So the Poor shall have great measure, And two prices have to pay., Yes, we'll reservoir the rivers* And we'll levy on the lakes, An- will lay a trifling Poll Tax On each noor man who partakes.. We'll brand his number on him, That he'll carry through his life ; We'll apprentice all his children,, Get a mortgage on his wife. j We'll capture c'en the wind God, And confine him m a cave ; And then, through our patent process We the atmosphere will save ; Thus we'll squeeze our little brother, When he tries his lungs to fill., Put a meter on his wind-pipe, And present our little bill. We will syndicate the starlight. And _Qia_iopoli_e the mtjon, Claim a royalty on rest days,, A proprietary noon ; The rijjjht of way through ocean's spray, We'll charge jusfc what it's worth ; We'll drive our stakes around the In fact. We'll Own the EartH.

A kiss by any other name wouldn't rhyme with— bliss. . " '. ■■* * • « » ; A girl who fishes with flattery knows a lot about— bait. * * » The world is the shop where we get our. manners manicured. * * ■ . ,' * A girl with a 1 dimple somehow looks incapable of deception. '** ■ * Instead of lecturing your husband, Mrs Straitlace, try. loving him. • * * * The lamp of learning can't light up a cottage like the candle of contentment. * * * The dollarless man is still a millionaire if he hath not been robbed of his dreams. ** * • Alas- and alaS|, but the pinks of propriety too often get bunched with the wall-flowers ._ * • * * Experience is life's queer merchandise that . we buy with gray hair and shattered illusions. * * * The" girl who smokes cigarettes .isn't the one who figures m a bachelor's pipe dreams— il he knows it. * * a Three Christchurch vagrants-, have lately been sent along to be washed by the .Magistrate. At least the Magistrate has sent them along to be washed by somebody else. These are the sort of men who would prig . a dog's counter lunch... "Truth has been .furnished with a list of inv-itatiOjas to the vice-regal ball on Tuesday night, but regrets that the demands upon its space will nob permit of publication. The names of the, snobs mentioned therein will, however,, be carefully preserved.. * * * A POETICAL PRAYER, The poet once, m garret cold, With fingers blue an_ feet of stone, Penned' odes and elegies untold, And lilting songs of silver tone ; He sang the v^oes of ladies lone, Of love and hope and raptured thrills The while he made his inward moan 'Gainst monthly rent and butchers' bills.' The poet now, m chambers gay,; With lightsome eye, and brow serene, Chants loud, "The Shoe that's Here • to Stay ! " "The Soap of Soaps, the Best that's Been ;" . He sings of sausage sweet and clean, Of Poppton's Pills and Perkins' Pads, Arid crowheth of all days the queen The morn he took to writing ads. * * * Things .go mighty hard with the "lower orders" on board sea-going boats and boats that dpn't really go to sea 'hut " hang round the. coasts and get wrecked. The Court generally seems to go against them for some reason or other. TaTce a case on the Athenic at Lyttelton, the place George Laurenson comes from. A steward , named William John Lane and a number of other stewards were dressing, m .their quarters, it .' being "Liberty Day," and they were going out to see. their tarts, when Arthur Freeman, an electrician, came along and turned . out .ths light. Lane switched it on again, and there was trouble-. The . electrician; swears that the steward struck him ; the opposing evidence, which was corroborated, was thajt the lighting man struck the first blow and the other retaliated. Thpse, first blows always cause trouble. At all events a couple of Jay Pees named Lewin and Garrard said, "Oh, well, ydu shouldn't have struck your superior officer, anyhow," and fined the defendant a couple of quid andi much costs. They are pretty nigigardly on the Athenic if they aren't allowed a light to see to part their hair. a * * It is strange how the thoughts of some persons run to gore. By profession they are men of peace, which may be accountable for a secret admiration for anything connected with slaughter. It would be a congenial task for some persons to fill up their spare time at the abattoirs. Parscn Fitchett, of Melbourne, who edits the "Refuse of Refuse," magazine m his spare time, has the warlike spirit particularly well developed, and a year or two back he was guilty of producing a volume entitled "Bleeds that Won the Empire" or something similar. It is a most anomalous thing that a clergyman whose- occupation is apart from war should occupy himself with blood m his idle moments. The Rev. J. J. North lectured to a much-interested audience m Molesworth-street Methodist schoolroom on Tuesday night, the subject of his impassioned address being the victories of Trafalgar and Waterloo. In connection with' Trafalgar his reverence made reference to "The Greatest Sailor m History,'.' but naturally avoided any allusion to Nelson's paramour Lady Hamilton. By making a hi'ro of Nelson, North steered very close to the religious wind.