THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 114, 24 August 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can nndaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved Ms mention intlic Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? There is a flaw m every virtue. * * * The voice of conscience " is a phonograph record. * * ■ » The man of iron-will is generally made of pig-iron* * * * A widower who takes 'anothex wife for better or worse hopes for the •best. * * .* A woman vtfio waits a long time for a man may justly be called n an "experienced waitress." * • • During courtship two, souls may have but a single thought and two hearts may (beat as one, but after, marriage it's impossible to feed two mouths /that way. * • * ■"I wrote 'him verbal letters and otherwise," said a witness . at Court t'other day. A verbal marconigram may be the next thing heard of m the way of a written letter ._ * * .' * Mental work of a congenial kind is a great stimulus to bodily vigour— to think good thoughts, working them out like nuggets of gold, and" then to coin them into words, is a splendid joy. * * * • The wlhite Wan's burden continues to grow ever up m Bananaland, an Afghan was the co-respondent m a recent Brisbane divorce case, m which the petitioner was a pretty prominent business man. * ■ » « The life of the late Mr Seddon, published by Whitcombe and Tombs, Ltd., sold) toj the extent of only eight hundred copies m this colony,' whereas one thousand copies were disposi ed of m London. The late Mr Seddon ! "Critic" wonders where he has heard the name before. * • * There is a very absent-minded man at St. Albans, Ohristch'urch. His wife gave him a parcel to carry to town on a bicycle. Before going he deoided to wash his hands, and took some warm water from the kettle for that purpose. Then ne hung the kettle on his bike, placed the parcel on the stove and sailed off. There was a hurricane scene later on. * • • • Here is some news for the dear creatures at Kirk's and other establishments m Wellington. In big Chicago concerns the proprietors ordered the removal of mirrors on the ground that too much time was wasted by the dear girls m arranging their hair. If such an innovation was started m Wellington a ! strike of alarming proportions Would be sure to ensue. * * * A coin believed to be a shekel' of King Solomon's time, found by a Mashona native among the ruins of Great Zimbabwe. Rhodesia, is m the possession of Mr D. Robinson, of Hudansdorp, Cape Colony. The inscriptions are m Hebrew. On one side are the words "Holy Jerusalem," and the branch of a fig tree, and on the other "Shekel Israel," and an incense burner. It is to be hoped Robinson will hang to it like grim death. The wowsers of the tray trapping variety are bound to ; try and relieve him of it-

[ A good poker hand— the wife's. j ■' ■ * * * The problem of civilisation • is to eliminate the parasite. ■■■*■ "" ' * ' * ' . * Living next door to a church is not a passport to heaven. • < * * . ' * Never marry a girl for money.. If she has money try to love her.. . *'' * * It's funny to see. a lawyer scratching his wig, forgetting that it's not the real thing. • . . ' * ' * ' A Christchurch "specialist" notices m his window,- among other things, that he can cure smallpox. Now, who the devil is suffering from smallpox ? * . * * Tw© perfect gentlemen m the persons of Geo. Hemvessy and John Lonergan were arrested at Taumaranui the. other day on the vag. In their swags were found a drill, cards, loaded dioe, doublerheaded pen- ! ivies and other spieler paraphernalia. JA precious pair .evidently.. ■. A local paper mentions they are Australians, so .that fact might help to gaol 'em. * * * It is reported that near Elderslie, m North Otago, cattle are dying for lack of feed. The ground is very parched, and water is needed very much. It is stated that m the Balfo.ur district, near Lums'den, Southland', more rain is falling than is required. Evidently 1113 nbwer of prayer is stronger .m Southland. Elderslie ought to send to Wellington far parsonical re-in for cements. North or G-ib'b can be easily spared. * * * Waihi has discovered a "Jungle" m the district, and the local paper reckons it beats anything that so far has come to light m the Dominion, and, of course, it can keep the honor and the. (horror. The "Jungle 1 ' m question was found m a butcher's shop close to, ilifi- Waihi Coy,'s- battery. Filth predominated, and a sausago machine was surrounded by stinking meat. Local Justices estimated that the stink was worth one pound and costs. ** ■ * During the week a young lady called at this office and complained about a publican m whose bourse she had been employed. It appears that some eggs were, missing, and the boniface blamed the female cook. If he used the .language to her that she complained of t'hon nothing is too bad for him, and such people should not be allowed to hold a license. A. man that will call his cook a b— — b is no good, and his house should te tabooed fry- all right-thinking people- * * * With a view to satisfying himself as to the purity or otherwise of liquor sold m: country hotels, Inspector Ellison recently had samples of beer, whisky, and other liquor taken from houses m the Marlborougih! and Wairarapa districts submitted for analysis. The results proved that none of the liqiuor had been adulterated except some .whisky and brandy taken from . one house. Anyhow, what's wrong with sampling some of the "stagger-juice" that does duty for liquor m some Wellington grogshops. , • , * : . '■.*"■'.. * The average colonial, particularly' Bill, who lives m the bush, is a genius m his way, and small trifles never trouble him. One of him turned up at Eketahuna the other day, and the inhabitants wondered at the appearance, of such a strange apparition. The apparition was a bike, evidently the one that Noah took m with him to the Ark. It had an old slasher handle wired to the frame,, and did excellent work for orthodox handle bar's. When the townfolk got quite normal they appreciated Bill's genius. *..■ * ■ * How refined and gerttle is the average football enthusiast. He is a noble kind of brute and seems to revel m broken limbs and bloody noses and swollen jaws and blackened eyes, but he is slow to render first, or any other aid. Up at New Plymouth the other day, during the progress ,of a "scragging" match, otherwise known as football, at Western Park, a .man took, a fit- and tumbled off the terrace. The crowd arose as one person, rushed to the edge and watched him struggling on the ground, but with the exception of one man none went to his assistance. They would evince as much interest m a d&g-fight., * * * The- small. hoy is a very observant little nuisance. A man named Charles Armstrong - pleaded not guilty to prigging a fifteen quid bike, the property of George Tiller, of; Strange and Co's, this week. He said he had picked it up. His little brother gave I him away m the box by descrito'lne: how accused cut up the saddle and burned the strips of leather m the kitchen fire. As a chap doesn't repaint and' doctor up a machine honestly obtained as Armstrong did he was given three months. Obscenity got Irim another . three, but, like a wedded couple, the two are one m a manner of speaking.;

There's many 3 nip after receipt of a tip., * * * The man who is generous to a fault is generally full of them. It's of little use the driver of Blade Maria calling out "Fares please !•' * * * A Milton councillor reckons that the fuss made over Bill Webb, champion . oarsman, is "Jingoism run mad,' and, therefore, Milton won't subscribe to any testimonial- "Jingoism isn't badi," m this case, though its Webbism with a dash, of the Monroe . Doctrine thrown m. * * * The Kepplers at Akaroa are very well-known people. Many a thousand guests have they entertained at their pub. But the pair haven't been living the, lives of turtle doves ; incompatibility of temper— that familiar divorces phrase— has set them, apart, and the ■ other day Mrs Keppler applied at Ohristchureh for a separation order, and for an order under the Married Women's Protection Act. The lady is now owner of the Madiera Hotel at Akaroa, arid her appearance at Court was merely to conserve her property. The Court made the necessary order, which was unopposed. * * * A lady old age pensioner, with a wrinkled faoe and an < elephantine walk, struck brandy and water and then trouble at Christchuroh the. other night. He-r veracious yarn, backed by the handling of the Word, was that she wasn't obfuscat&d, as narrated by Peeler Roberts. She merely tripped and hurt her arm. v Sixpennorth was all she absorbed, and the reason therefor was that she had a bad back. The excuse so tickled the S.M., who thought outward application would have been the remedy m such a case, that be dismissed the dame with the admonition not to tread the dangerous quicksands of the- Court again. * * * A very tender-hearted shop assistant was unearthed at Christchurch this week. He was employed m the establishment of boobseller De La Cover, and had been so for some time. He is only 17 years of age, and his screw is 17s 6d a week. Of course, he had pals, and when they intimated that they'd like hoof coverings on the cheap, and promised something m return m the way of pleasurable excursions, etc., the young fellow,, whose name is William Goodall, said it would be all right. He stole one pair, a second pair went to another chum,, and he was seen hiding another pair* m a spot handily situated for removal off the premises. The boss called 'Tec. Ward m. Then followed unpleasantness and confession, and a fine of three quid (paid by his old man), the chums being made to part up their ill-gotten goods. * ,* * That abominable person Dyer, who got ten years at Christchurch for being guilty of incest— persistent incest —on his grand-daughter, with the result that she ds expected to give birth to a child before she will be fourteen—used to like his beer or his shandy^gaft But he was always content with one, or at most two, and never made a perfect hog of himself. As a man who carried round the plate," or the sack, or whatever it is at the Anglican Cathedral, for years, it wouldn't do for him to be seen gargled. At one particular pub which he dishonored with his patronage he used to be always accosted with the greeting, on Mondays, "Well, Archdeacon, how 'did the plate pan out last night?" "OH, fair," or "Oh, good," would be his invariable answer. The plate, and the position he occupied m the church 1 , did a Jot is life for that filthy old rascaU, and yet he must end an (apparently) good life m quod ; for ten years is a bijg lump when you are nearly at the end of life's tether, so to speak. They don't- hand round the plate m gaols or else 'Dyer might find an outlet for his talent on at least one day m the week.) * * w. A" thief is- generally a liar, and his or her evidence, uncorroborated, isn't enough to hang a pair of socks on. So thought Crown Prosecutor Stringer at Christohurch when Thomas Marsden Burnham and Annie Reid, formerly employed at the Madiera Hotel, Akaroa, were charged with prigging £29 from a boarder named Gardiner. Twenty-four quid of this was found m the woman's fur necklet. She said, when arrested, that Burnham had handed it to her for safety, and swore so m Court when the major charge against her was withdrawn, and she entered the ibox to testify against Burnham. When asked m cross-examination if she had ever be&n mixed up m a robbery of a similar kind the woman refused to answer. However, she was obliged to own up. to the fact that she was doing a lwoivth at present for relieving the landlady of the pub of things she , thought she didn't want. As the jury would likely not believe Annie's testimony unsupported, application was made to have Burnham discharged, | and then the woman was given four | months for receiving. It appears that she is a cook, and a good cook, too, and that her husband lets her go out and damn well cook for a living. He purposes taking her to Australia when she's released from chokey, iiowevcrs

When airships become common methods . of conveyance,' Christchurch people who work m Wellington will be able to go to the; Empire City for breakfast and return to Christchuroh for tea. ' * * * Mr WMdowson, S.M., was called on recently at Dunedin to intervene as between a father and a mother, and he made an order for payment of five shillings a week. Immediately therefore the young couple concerned decided to get "married, and engaged the ' services of the Court orderly as groomsman. ■..'■•* - * $ No occasion is too solemn, no circumstances too sacred, -to prevent the 4 Wilford joke, which is the visible effervescence of unimpaired vitality. The popular Thomas was pleading for a light sentence m the case of Morrow, convicted of common assault,- and even suggested to Justice Cooper that the cost of Mor--1 row's defence should be deducted [ from the amount of the fine. "I don't want to appear egotistical," said Wilford, who appeared for the defence, "but I can assure your Honor I am not ,the cheapest." "Bluey" got off with a fine of £29, . *." * * The wild-eyed Corsican, 'Joseph Norman, who enticed a youth named Walter George Girling into his bedroom m the Occidental Hotel, but failed to effect his evil purpose, Was tried before his peers last week, and, despite a strong summing up, by Judge Cooper, against the prisoner, the jury failed to agree, and its members were discharged. On Monday a second panel was effected, and, after an absence from the court room of thirty-five minutes, the jury returned a veoxlict of "Guilty" on the charge of indecent assault. His Honor ordered Norman's retirement from public gaze for a period of two years. .* * * The way of the trangressor is made exceedingly hard by the godly people who reclaim the fallen. When the price of respectability is a laborious job over the washtub at nothing a week and prayers, the prospect is too cold and forbidding for the weak female who prefers to luxuriate m immorality and unlimited beer. Lizzie Flynn has been discovered m a condition of hops so often of late as to be almost classed as an habitual drunkard, and when she appeared at the Wellington Court recently before Magistrate Riddell it looked bad for her future liberty. She was given the option of occupying a. bunk at the Salvarmy Home, but declined the lenient treatment with emphasis. She would rather go to gaol. Lizzie did not mention if her op/tion was based upon religious grounds, although it is within the bounds of possibility that a Congregationalist or an Anglican, or an R.C. might object to being saved by the common Harm\ r . Liz. preferred to -go up for seven days. . * * .*. "Jonah" has been cast up from the whale's belly again and has landed high, but not dry, at Otaki, and a Wairarapa; paper thus notices the fact :— For many months past it has been noticed that whenever the Rev.. Wrigley, of Levin, exchanges pulpits with the Rev. Paris, and takes a' Sunday's services m the southern portion of the circuit— as is regularly the case about once each month — a wet day is experienced. Tins sort of thing has happened so consistently that now the congregation at Otaki always anticipate a wet Sunday when the Rev. Wrigley is announced to preach. Yesterday was no exception to the rule. When I Mr Wrigley arrived at Otaki on Saturday night the weather was perfect, with a cloudless sky, but the rev. gentleman had scarcely been m the township an hour before the clouds began to gather, and a wet day followed. The Otaki people are thinking of ' suggesting to the Oamaru folk that they engage Mr Wrigley to take a Sunday's services m the '/white st»nc city." It would be far cheaper than the costly rain-making experiments now being tried, and judging by Otiaki's experience, would prove more effective.; / .* * * The brutalising influence of the yellow horror m the Wellington slums is sometimes exemplified m the Police Court, when degraded females who have been consorting with Chinamen are driven, like abandoned derelicts, into the dock. Stella Taylor was charged with being a rogue and a vagabond on Thursday, and had .no option but to plead guilty. A youthful slop testified that she had been known to him for three months as an unsaintly person, who had three times- of late been convicted of drunkenness. She paraded the street with questionable object, and was a familiar figure m Haining-street, where she was ant to kick up a row at the Chinamen's when m liquor. In reply to a question by Magistrate Riddell, it was elicited 1 that the Salvarmv Home people wouldn't touch Stella with a forty-foot pole, so she was "sent. up" for three months; with hard labor.