WOWSER WOMEN.

NZ Truth, Issue 112, 10 August 1907, Page 8

WOWSER WOMEN.

DEMAND THE DILUTING OF DICKENS.

"It Makes 'a Vessel's Heart Bleed!"

THE WOMEN'S CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE UNION.

Agitating for the Black-1

New Zealand lias a Young Women's ' Christian Association, which, is given ! to taking itself very seriously, and to regarding itself, with smug • complacency, as a collection of persons, of great righteousness sand, supreme propriety.; This association is fond of "sending round the hat," and the branch of the Y.W.C.A., m Sydney is at present seeking to cadge no less a sum than £10,000, m order that it may provide itself with palatial premises, and there is an eternal cadge everywhere in 1 this colony. There is a iY.W.CA. m America, too, and it is probable that it is closely connected with the Women's Christian Temperance Uniton, which is a women's association of the most wowseristic character.) Thei Young Women's Christian Association of the United States has sent to this country a Miss Spencer, who lectures upon the necessity of "deliver ting" the various young womefr 'with a weakness for 'harbor picnics; Sunday concertboats, and so-forW.'- It would, however, be much nvore interesting if she would refrain from; ' talking about the women who are supposed to be just on the BRINK OF BEING "LOST,"' and would devote some of her attention to tiro eccentric proposals of the American Women's Christian Temperance Union, for this latter body seems to have proposals to sunmit to us of a muob more .interestingly drastic character than any of Miss Spencer's proposals. For instance, evidently inspired by the example of Parson Bowdler, who published a specially expurgated, or "castrated" edition of Shakespeare's works for the perusal of the young person, the members of tine Women's , Christian Temperance Union propose . an expurgated edition of the work of Charles Dickons, for the-, use of such of the pure m mind as it is necessary ' to guard from any reference to intoxicating licfUiors. Hitherto Dickens had been looked upon as most strictly "proper" and' French parents were m the habit of supplying -translations of Dickens to the young unmarried, "mees" as something that she could read with perfeot safety. It is clear, however, that a great mistake has been made about Dickens. Dickens must be expurgated, and m the follow.iittg article m the London "Clarion" Harry Beswick points out the nature, of the alterations required, and some of the parts of Dickens' s works that, m the opinion ol the Women's Christian Temperanos Union should be altered :— The Women's Christian Temperance Union of New York has started a movement to place on a black list aJI novels m which the heroes drink, or m which drink-ing parties are described. Among the novels which will . foe thus summarily' and severely dealt with are those of Charles Dickens. "Boz," according to the W.C.T.U., was a friend of the -brewer, the distiller, and the vintner ; this antiteetotal attitude must therefore RECEIVE POSTHUMOUS PUNISHMENT. . One must sadly own that many of "Boz's" characters were m the habit, of looking on the wine vriien it was rosy, pot to say nut-brown and strawcolored. Mr Pickwick's otherwise blameless record (pace the Bardell business and that trifling foolish incident behind the 1 door of the seminary for young ladies) is smirched with alcoholic blotches, for example. Without going to the trouble of making' a black list of the occasions when the reverend P. P. of the Pickwick Club took comforting beverages for his stomach's sake, HE IS TO BE IMPEACHED on one v.cry notable and serious count to -wit, the episode of the stone bottle at the Wardle shoot. Sympathisers may plead that Mr Pickwick was merely experimenting*— that he jeopardised his reputation m the sacred 'Cause of research— and give credence to the claim that he tasted the contents of the stone bot.tle merely to ascertain whether there any orange peel m the cold punch, j "because orange peel always disagreed with him." Let Mr Pickwick's apologists take their stand on that very, flimsy and unstable. fact if they like.' NOTHING CAN SHAKE' ME. from the historical bedrock base of my arraignment ; that "the constant succession of glasses produced considerable effect upon Mr Pickwick. . „ . Yielding by degrees to the influence of the exciting liquid, rendered more so by the 'heat, Mr Pickwick expressed a strong desire to recollect a song which he had heard m his infancy, and the attempt proving abortive, sought to stimulate his memory with more glasses of punch, which appeared to have. the contrary effect. . . And finally, after rising to his legs to address the company, m an eloqiuent speech, he fell into the barrow, and fast asleep,, simultaneously." My friend demands of me, "CAN I PRODUCE THE BARROW?" Unfortunately, no, gentlemen. But ■ there' is the testimony of Captain Boldwig, and Captain Boldwig's gardener When Mr Pickwick was questioned as to his identity on his being discovered on the Captain's "high and mighty and great." estate, he replied, '•Cold punch," and sank to sleep a-o-ain. The sub-sequent disgraceful proceedings, m which the man Pickwick's body servant, committed an outraPTOiis assault on the sacred person of the town beadle ( 'Mr Veller's comrliments to the Justice, and tell him I've spiled his 'beadle '.") are recorded m oarter nineteen of the Posthumous papers of the Pickwick. Club. Trwly, tho rccountal is enough to inafco A VESSEL'S HEART BLEED. Nor is Mr Pickwick, alas ! the only "horri-b'l'o example." The Dickens's novels simply reek with characters who will "dvyiike wyth hym that werythc and hoode. 1 ' Take Pickwick aloa?j. Besides, tiie. celebrated discov-

sting of Beezeful " Bsz."

[ erex. of the Tittlefcatian Theory, "thd'o are his brother Pickwickians, Messrs Snodgrass and Winkle.. Did not the latter have s. bottle of wine "to his own cheek" on the fc ox of Mr Wardle s coach at the review ? Did not Mr Snodgrass sip cherry brandy "with heartfelt satisfaction" at .the Manor Farm after that exciting adventure with tbe "immense brown horse, displaying great symmetry of bone" that had a "singular propensity for darting suddenly every, now and then to tbe side of the road, then stopping short, and then rushing iforward for some minutes at a speed which it was wholly impossible to control •?" Mr Weller, senior^ possesspd, ; we read;- --& STRONG WEAKNESS for v a double glass o' 'the invariable, my dear" ; and i-t is a striking example of heredity that Sam, too., 'toad a predilection m favor of "a nine penn'orth o' brandy and water luke." Moreover, Sam, according to his parent, possessed uncommon "power o' suction, and would ha' made an uncommon fine oyster." • Everybody knows Mr Bob. Sawyer's mode of travelling (as illustrated by "Phiz"')!-— "in one "hand 1 a most enormous sandwich, while m the other ho supported a goodly-sized case bottlo," and it was Mr Beji Allen who suggested to Mr Pickwick '(Mr Sawyer havingf tapped at 'the window cf the post-chaise with the case bottle at the end of a walking-stick) that "it would serve him right to drink it every drop/ OH, MY FRIENDS ! The '''Shepherd 1 ' fancied a drop of "wanity" (''warm, my young friend, with two pieces of sugar to the tumbler"). J»b Trotter was rcviverl m the Fleet prison by the a/dministering of a pot of porter, at Mr Sam Weller's expense; and Mr Solomon Pell, although, upon his word of honor, "not m the habit of— l4' s so very early, m the morning, that, actually, lam almost " never refused "three penn'orth of rum, my dear."' But why multiply the number of these painful cases ? Why lacerate the bosom of the N.Y.W.C.T.U. with reference to Mr Swiveller's love of "purl" ? (the abandoned Richard gave some of 'this gratef,ul com-> pound" to the "Marchioness") ; Mr Mark Tapley's discovery, of the ' 'cobbler" ; the NINTH PART OF A" MAN who for twice a week, for 20 years tasted '"(dog's nose"— compounded, of course, with moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg; the historic Gamp-cum-Prigg teapot ; Mr Pecksniff's punch-inspired oratory on the subject of legs, delivered on the top landing of Todgcrs's; Bob Sawyer's party ; the Batn "swarry" ; the meeting of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association, which, m the 1 estimation of no less a judge than Mr Stiggins, was drunk ? ' The' charges of the N.Y.W.C.T.U. are proved up to the hilt. It is merely a question of punishment. Without desirinig to shake m the least degree THE RIGHTEOUS POSITION of tbe N.Y.W.C.T.U., I beg to suggest a little leniency for the culprit. Let us be just, but let us temper justice with' mercy. Do not, my friends, banish "Boz" from your bookshelves and libraries altogether., True the novels are guilty of the crime with which they are charged. But let us not be harsh. Can we not reform? Can we not dilute ? Can we not., as it were, "teetotalise" them ? Why not bring, out an edition, of Dickens on temperance lines ■? Why not substitute aeratad waters — ginger-beer, schweppes, "small lemons," and .so forth — for the poisonous and deleterious compounds $o which I have drawn attention •? I think I can see a way out of the difficulty and if the N.Y.W.C.T.U. will commission! me (at a modest fee) to undertake the TEETOTALISM OF. DICKENS, I am at. their service. As a specimen of the quality of my work, I beg to submit a fragment of a teetotalised version of the Bath "swarry" : "Tbe gentleman m blue, and the man m orange, who were the chief exquisites of the party, ordered hop al:e, but with the others gingerette, sweet, appeared to be the favorite beverage. Sam called the green-groc-er a "des'prate willin," and ordered a large bowl of 'barley-water ; two circumstances which seemed to raise him very much m the opinion of the selections." Here,, you will see, I have expurgated "cold shrub and water," "gin and water," and "punch." Is not the paragraph infinitely. more acceptable? It could be read at Band of Hope meetings WITHOUT A' BLUSH. It is obvious, too, that if the Bath footmen are made to conduct their revels on barley-water, Mr Tuckle will not be called up to go through his disgusting frog's hornpipe (dressed out with the cocked hat and stick) among the oyster shells on the table. He will not, m sallying out inito open air. 'become seized with a desire to lie on the kerbstone. And Sam Weller will not. have to be put to the trouble of flattening Mr Tuckle's cocked hat on the head of the gentleman m blue, and putting the hiph stick m his hand, prop him up against his own street-door, and riiug the bell.