THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 111, 3 August 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted bravo the Critic's .rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m tl> c Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy? The devil loves a cheerful liar. • * .* . ■ Religion is mostly cant and cuddle, • » • • Men love heiresses for themselves alone. • Most drunks are known by, their ■ stagger. ». • * The cross-grained Cross no doubt feeds better now. • < • Woman .was made for man, and she has been his unmaking ever since. * * . « What a dog m the manger tho parson is. He won't let anybody work on Sunday but himself. • « • The days when it was a distinction to be "a .gentleman, a scholar* and a judge of whisky" are passing away A i * • « Marriage is th© only lottery the black-coated brigade do not want to suppress. Marriage is a regular Tattersall's to them. • • • A sign m Molesworth-strect, Wellington, reads : "Warcup, hand-sewn bootmaker." Warcup must be a curiosity ; most bootmakers are seamless. ♦ • • Joe Chong Lee, a Chow, and Edward Kingi, a Maori, went into the | fruiterer business as partners a-t Mar-tin-borough a couple of years ago, and partnership was dissolved last March. The Chow carriod on business, and went ■bankrupt last. week. The Chow j reckoned h© lost on the partnership deal. * ■"'.'.• • ' • Just to show that he is not closefisted- and out of commemoration of the birtbdar of his deceased wife, John Close, of Napier, is ' going to give a Cwt. of coal to ev-erv poor person in' /Napior 'on every June 21, How some men do love to advertise their love of their dead-awd-gone wives. ' * »■■" • • • Two ■ Chinese opium-smokers gave the" Palmerstoh North police a tough time t'other day when a raid was made on their d on. The Chows,, the playful, law-a'bidin'?; alien, attacked |the police with -billets of wood, and gave a lot of trouble ere they were taken- The Chow is a very Law-abid-ing cuss when he is armed. • '..".« .« Announcing the death of Mrs Grains ger, the Patea Press mentions that, "'O^ite a gloom was cast over tdvc town" by the event. "Critic" ' recollects hearing; the phrase m the days of. early childhood, and trusts that i-ts inventor is suffering eternal torments. Why it should be necessary to mention that it was "quite" a gloom, unless the deceased had done something at come time or other to merit merely portion- of a gloom, this paper knoweth not. Such expressions as "quite a gloom," "what might have proved a serious accident, " and "the crux of the position" ought to get any newspaper six months' without the option. It is nearly a year sinoe the trial of Robert Nordjbere; took place at I Christchurch, the resultant verdict of I which was unsuccessfully appealed ag&inst at Wellington last week. Nordberg, who is a Swede, was charged i with committing an unnatural offence !at Ethelton upon a little boy three 1 and a half years old ; there was a second count charging him with indecent assault. It was an abominable case, and the Court was cleared. The 1 jury found against accused (who was j defended by Lawyer Harvey) on the "seond count. His Honor Judge I Chapman saw" -he agreed with the ver-. I diet, and mentioned that it might be some satisfaction to the jury to know- ; that certain evidence, wliich was not '. admis-sabl'3, proved that the crime had teen committed. He sentenced the accused to eflght years' hard lab-

T^he laziest man extant has been discovered at Christchurch. He is s.cTOetim_e^'tooJazy=.:.to- even, drink "his" beef..?<- -„

"The shipwreck epidemic appears to be extremely virulent just now, and insurance companies- are burying .their profits m the deep.

It is high time a Christchurch draper erected .a girl-proof fence round himself, else he may- he asked to gaze on the interior of the Divorce Court.

The Divorce Court holds up. to view 1 , startling evidences of misplaced' confidence; but nobody keeps a record of the thousands upon thousands, of liappy marriages.

Adyt. ■ m . a ' Christchurch paper : '•'Wanted by' ''respectable woman, gent as partner td : v^vork on a. station. " With what fury does the average female rush forth to proclaim, to the world that she is- respectable.

Barber, M.H.R., believes . earnestly m borrowing. The present generation shouldn't stint itself for the benefit of future generations. And the Jew m London licks his chops and talks. about "a little property of mine m the Pacific called New Zealand."

Stated seriously that. the Ashburton Debating Society intends putting up a man against Jack McLach-la-n at next election; These spouters evidently take themselves seriously. No-body -else doe's; •'Critic" learns that the Chimney Sweeps' Union also contemplates putting forward a candidate. '

Kaiapoi folk who abuse a little ball with a , mis-shapen walking-stick every Saturday complain that, when they travel to Obristchurch they are the victims of thieves. One hockey its has had Sois. boots burgled, others have had: cash pirated, and another has been: ■bushzangiad for his watch. Also, ctes member has. '.lost his .-. reputation.,,, but ho doesn't' seem, to be making' any fuss about it.

A' young snipo named Woolley— called, '-Billy" by the gang— was strolling along an alleged street m Dunedin the other afternoon, when he was copped, for stealing a suit oi clothes from a Christcliurch cabman 18 months ago. The scamp looked astonished. Je.htvhad given him a doss and tucker, and he did a guy with the clobber, m return. Willy Woolley has a pench-a-nft for gaol, although hie isn't yet 19. His last little go was two years' for fraud. This time it's a plain sixer- without' trimmings of any description.; • ■ • • A Christoburch individual, who surely can't be very popular with the fair sex, has. bad to resort to . the shilling . advertisement ' of commerce for a lady, to act as his partner at the forthcoming railway ball. . He signs himself '-'Bert,", and it would be interesting to know the number of replies and the quality of tho <.p---plicants who 1 are e-nxious to go to that, darnce.. The gentleman nvay have" plenty to choose from or he, way; have none ; if there is a.plctt'aora of virgins .offerin' 1 ; he will need a bit ol luck to pick the prettiest >>iio lutplia.zard: without sj&eing her— the d:i.n?sel whose fabeaii'd footwork ;uike are matchless. ' (

The Ohristehurch Samaritan Home, which saves : souls and builds' people up constitutionally so .that they can s'trihd another wolonfted drunk, lost a bright inmate last wecb. He was abbut to be discharged, and before going but he went through another inmate's box aiud; collared all he could lay his hands on..' He ; even took the poor Moke' down for his socks. On being arrested, the only missing article found on 'him was a. pair pi scissors. He 'didn't tell any yarn embellished with scenery and effects, but merely asked Constable McKeefry to tote him along. And he was toted, and gaoled for a quarter. Wonder if he'll try and prig anything out of gaol, when he's being released.

Considerable objection is being raised by registry office-kespers m Christchuroh to the Licensed Victuallers' Association entering upon their domain of business. They characterise it as most unfair. in' the. extreme that a ' wealthy- body like the L.V.A. should- deign to dc such a thing. A hotel servants' bureau, or something of the sort has b^en established a/nd is presided over by little Jew Nordon, who, to act the part of registry' office missus properly should envelope himself m a morning gown, or a. night gown— it doesn't matter which —-as a sort of badge, or robe of office. Licensed registry office 'keepers reckon the securing of positions for i hotel servants m their income, and 'didn't expect tr is move at all. However, they still do a fair business m that line, notably m connection with country hotels. Hotel servants are always ob/taina/blc, and there was no occasion for -the -Whisky Association, !or its , cigar-smoking secretary, to 'step m and endeavor to take ..the bread out of other people's mouths m ,tto.e manner that they, w;© doi&Zt

Perjury is an art that receives ■ but little. recpgnitiOM... .....-..■

A- woman matried is not necessarily, up-to-date' because her. husband happens to be the latest thing out.

.'A great deal is being said ahout the cost of living juot now ; the cost of merely existing isn't mentioned.

If a criminal Court calendar can be taken as a criterion of the progress of Christianity m Fiji, the following list for the July Court at Fiji speaks a whole library :— Laisiasa, bestiality; Nal'ian Singh, perjury; Rarqpersad, carnal knowledge ;, Grhasi and nine others, rape; Bhika, murder ; Sheonos, fail to give sureties ; Semise, indecent assault ; Ramdial and Kurkurt, rape ; Dudnath, wounding ; Sakaisi Sarata, escape gaol ; M. 'Farrell, carnal knowledge.

Relatives of some of . the prohibited people* m Christchurch come it a bit strong on them now and again. A Sydenham woman named Catherine Handcock rolled home hog drunk the other evening, and one of her beloved kin rushed along and fetched policeman Wilson to the house. He was marched into the bedroom and shown the groggy spectacle on the bed. There was a small bottle containing some kind of Highland compound lying close by, and the constable annexed it. Then he sued Catherine for breaking h er order, and it cost her a quid, so it did.

The po.w country has produced a Chow champion, who seeks information. He wants to know, under the name of ''Cosmopolitan,'-' not having the courage of his cheap and nasty colored convict-ions to proclaim bimself to the world of cow-juice jerkers, and per medium of a letter to the "Eltham Argus," what the Chow's sins are justifying the present loud agitation on the public platform and m the columns of the press, for the aliens' exclusion from the colony. Gee-whiz ! was ever ignorance so loudly proclaimed-X^ ,J| "*C3s** "ffas^aiT unmarried sisfeer give: her to a Chow, and then : the argument will soon be settled. :

Robert Hogg let a Wellington Socialist meeting into a Government secret on Sunday last. In the course of a week, he said, 'Attorney-General Findlay would circulate for the informaticn .of 'members copies of a proposed addition to the Conciliation and Arbitration Act, m the nature of a clause providing for a penalty for going out. on strike. It was not proposed to imprison the striker., but when he obtained another job 25 per cent, was to be deducted from his first \vages.- Someone m the audience remarked, "We won't go to work," to which Hogg replied that so long as" the stores and the foodstuffs were m the hands of tjh-e capitalists they would have to go to work.

A sorrowful looking der.eHct; who has been a faniiliar figure on Christchiirch streets for some time past, is William Brown,, a dirty, unkempt person, slow of movement;, obviously ill, and m want of. care and attention. He pres-ants a far different appearance to _what te did a few years ago. Brown had a bright mind once Fie was a clever veterinary surgeon, well-known m Wellington, but disease, drink, and domestic trouble drove him to what he is to-day. The other night ho was found sleeping m a stall m Charles Mann's staibiie, and a policeman gavie him better accommodation. The poor fellow has been sleeping wherever he could get a doss without blankets apparently. Where his food came from, goodness only knows. Magistrate Day gave Brown three months, but the order will be suspended so long as he remains m the Samaritan Home for that period. This is the second time that this has happened to ; him ; be doesn't appear to gather himself together at all. When ; a man loses his grip entirely m this world he must be classed as hopeless.

Hotel-keeper W. H. Clay, of Tattersail's, Ohristohurch, lost a nkn'ble guinea the other day through placing confidence m a smooth-tongued sca-1-ly-wag with Wihsom he had been discussing toebali. Clay is a true sport and' wfce-n the Carlton Football Club was mentioned^, and the matter of funds discussed, he gave the fellow, whose moniker is John Sheehan, a cheque for a guinea. This was to be handed to the secretary of -the C.F.C., but. instead of doing so stealer Sheehan handed it over various public-r house bars m 'the city, and the club saw it not. The .police dubbed tho sooner. an Australian, and said they knew .nothing of his career over there, but he bore' a very bad character m Christchuroh, consorting with thieves and prostitutes and similar human trash.. He had been living with a moll latterly. The sentence 9! three months, which this bright article is undergoing may bring him to his bearings. It is amazing the number of men, mostly voujig men, who batten on prostitution m Cb,ristchurcji city and suty-irbs. Work never troubles them, and they pass their time cadging smokes ;or drinks, or both,, and m trying to take down "flats' ' who arc very often too easy marks when 'the expert crinraals -get a chance at them..

Women air their- best* frocks" on the racecourse; never m church.

-.-.One Christchurch : man now walks about the streets without a hat. He would look more picturesque if he trotted round minus boots.

The Legislature made a law compelling persons who introduce liquor into a prohibited district to furnish their names and addresses, but any penalty for an infringement seems to have been omitted. Day, S.M., dismissed an information against a wine and spirit firm recently because he couldn't find any punishment to impose.

A Christchurch Lushington who is under the liquor ban, adopted a -new sort of ruse m order to have an opportunity of being able to continue to, handle a loaded tumbler without interruption. He put up at the Excelsior Hotel under a false name, and was lodging and drinking with great enthusiasm when the landlord discovered that his real moniker was Thomas Manion, and that if his name wasn't on the slate it was on a bit of blue paper m the bar ; so he chucked him out. The police invited Thomas to Court, as it had done previously, and he was mulct m a couple of quid or .a -month, and the unfeeling S;M.- wouldn't give him a chance to go out and find the bunce.

Dahn Fisher, who was led away hy Tommy Taylor during the voucher madness, considers it incumbent on him to remain astray, and opposes Government measures from a prominent seat on the Opposition benches. But Dahn is democratic, ' and has a conscience, and when the member for Wairarapa met his objections to the Pure Foods Bill with the repeated ejaculation, "Vested interests !" Dahn lost his temper, and protested passionately that he wasn't trying to stick up the bill for the benefit of . vested interests. This statement was received with incredulous laughter by members on the, .Government side, and Fisher sat down m mijch annoyance. Dahri's bench mate is' Mary 'Ann- 'Aitken ; yea, verily, he is m very bad company. • » • ■ • Seldom that the repentant husband weeps „ publicly .like this. , Advertisement m a Ohristchurch paper : — APOLOGY. I, Henry Tansley Cross, recently of Kaiapoi, here apologise to my WIFE and her FAMILY for various malicious statements made by me about them, and admit that . they were for the purpose of annoying them, and are without foundation. v ■ ■ Dated this 18th day of> 'July, 1907. HENRY TANSLEY CROSS. . Witness: ROBT. ALCORN, J.P.The nice nurses m the Timaru Hospital don't neglect their duty evidently. A- patient wrote to the trustees the other day complaining that he couldn't get any rest because they Were eternally putting his. bedclothes straight.' An uriijque sort of grumble, surely ! ..■■•:. ' ♦ "•■'..:■ It has -always been a piquant mystery on 'board the ferry steamer Rotomahana why the firemen should scoff five times as much sugar and three times as much .tea as the sailors. The steward had 1 ;' had his suspicions the groceries were taken ashore' and bartered for beer or. other merchandise of that sort. Those suspicions were confirmed when a ' fiery fireman with a " little bundle was stopped on Lyttelton. wharf by 'Tec. Livingstone, who explored the interior and found a mdniature grocer's shop and a couple of tumblers sleeping therein. At Court, it cost.tbo tlwef, George Alexander Mi dd let on, a few quid. Ship's stores ace looked upon as really good negotiable property. : the risk is taken m getting them ashore, of course, but it's an easy game and only one m . fifty falls . In. • The ordinary official is an unpleasant apparition, but he is too often a mere effigy.

The cursed der-rink is blamed, rightly or wrongly, for much criminality m New Zealand. Probably the purge brings out latent characteristics of a deplorable nature that are kept in' check" by the instinct of self-preservation when the subject is m a state of sobriety. A short while back a man of eminent respectability named John Thomas was convicted at Wellington of stealing a quantity of butter, and his friends were . astounded at the lapse. A sympathetic Bench gave him a chance on account of his wife and children. On Tuesday Thomas was again before the Court on a charge of mistaking for his own a pair of field glasses belonging to Joseph Omrod, and valued at £12. The fallen person couldn't explain matters. but mentioned to Magistrate Riddell that it was all along of the drink. On this occasion he did not employ an eloquent counsel to picture the desolate home of a novice m crime, and though Thomas did make remarks about his wife and children and asked for another chance. He was prescribed change 'of * air and' retirement from public gaze for the span o! one month'