THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 108, 13 July 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave tbe Critic's ra^e ? Or note unmoved-Ms mention m the Critic'^ page, Parado his orrov m the public oye ? A.nd Mother Grundy 's rage defy V '

He jests at scares who nevfcr dodg-. Ed a car. \ . He who lets his hostess sjadne', is* asked another day to dine. ■ f ' • • /£ / Thrice is he armed thaft hath his quarrel just and' the jury /sxpiared. The British War Offifce may love, may hate, but it ca-niSot do without Chicago meat.— l'Posjfc," New York. There's many a t/ue word printed, m error. The /'Motorist, ". New York, says that tfae taximo has come to stop T I */ • • Women are elected to Parliament m Finland. On^ pf the lady-an'&m ; b«rs . is a ; dress-jmak^r.' Naturally; enough, :^e P\liS-^3tEl^>t Of frill. ■ ;A~ contempotf aayr y j prints an article on flogging at! public schools. The ; write? evidently has the tehderest recollections oir his < school-days.. If Anaawas, has ; b ( e®n • deceased for some littl-p time,- were how alive, he would/ W efascy, hold" himself' out as an expert witness^— American paper-j ) ' " »•. i . • '« \ Another melat nc hoiy metaphor of Lord Roselyery'lg, ;•<! am nOW the raven croaking on' ai withered branch." He has, m fbhe^tiical parlance, "got the bird. • ■ / I ~ ■ t-'r '-*- " On a newspaper j contents-bill the cotter day was 4 i 4, c "Copper FallsHeavily." Of cci ur^e, it wasn't Robert sliding on -a ! banana-skin, but merely a mirafogysiump., ■ •'■ : V ' ■ " * .>- In connection the mewl'r-repor-ted earthiciuakes, is, it not curious that the place where ! a n these seismic upheavals are recorded should bear so restful a name dja Laibach. ? Something is wrong with the police at Palmerston N^itih'. Two days last j week there Werej no cases, at the Police Court. NorfTone drunk. How do Pa/lmerston poli^emien expect to be .promoted ? ; ' . "Who owns alt this land.?'?' asked a tourist of one VO f the bands coming down the Wanga^ui m the steamer the other day. '"jyiaoris own st*he land/ was the reply, ''and Hatfick -.'■ owns the ;blanky MaoriSj,'-'- --".-•'■' In discussing the looks of the jurymen m the Tha% case, one lawyer' says : ' 'Bald-headed me n are always dangerous." ScT^they are when you come to think of it. Never argue with a bald-headeW ma ,n, for it is evident that he. is unable to "keep his hair on/- \ * % # In the course ofl a n interview published m an English daily paper, one of the Colonial Premiers said, ''We. have no concern m YOurV O ur internal politics.". Judging by tme number of public luncheons and diWn er s these poor gentl-eman had to eaty their own internal politics needed very, careful watching. 1 Some of Hatrick ana Co.'s employees have to fill many, (many billets. Coming down from Ta'r,marunui the other day, one young fallow was acting as purser, deck-hanjtf, and barsteward, and filled m hs.g time at Pipiriki as porter, billiar^i-marker and waiter. Wonder how h«ji fills m His spare time. 1 *" , « They say that one hiajif of Wellington's population lives [/by boarding the other half. A depi :e ssed-looking individual named Thomas was sued on Monday for. £22 2s, ( maintenance arrears of his divorced/ missus. He informed the Bench hopefully that he had taken a boarding-hfe USid> an^ an iy required five more boirclers. to put the spec on a payin-g b£ S i S . Sentenced to 14 days' imprisontfnent, warrant suspended during pay.x&eat of £2 per .w©ekj T 1- • •

■:; Breathe through your nose- m: a' Wellington fog^ ■ * - » ■•''■■♦■■■''■•••. There's a. lot m imagination, -but it's deuced unsatisfactory. There are more "deserving objects" floating round than there is 'sympathy for them. "'■ ■"'- • ' '■•'•■ « ' ' A multiplicity of frocks m a girths wardrobe is likely to scare off the economical lover who isn't m the^ clothes industry. • '■•'■■ • Heard at Fullers.— "The church is a big insurance l company." "Why, >hat does it insure against.?" -'Fire .of course— in the next world. • • . «. A man named Elphinston, who has been heiress-huntling m America, has,, beeoi. jailed m New York. His ' luclt. may not really be so bad as it seems. • « ■ • .• One woman with a gun-in her hand .and pleasantly smiling the while can /'reduce a party of male .friends into a group of terrified, pale-faced cowards, who look as if they saw ghosts before them, which they, probably do —their own. • • » ' There is a new anaesthetic called Novocaine \,l>ich so completely robs the tooth-drawing b-^ness. of -pain that it is expected that the wrenching out of refractory molars will pro- . sently become immensely plpular as an afternoon's amusement/" The suggestion has been made~in England that the brawling Suffragettes should have their heads shaved by order of the law. The notion is. wprtliy of the humorist of the whis- ! ..leer, since the doctrines of the Sufi-r . ra/gettes are always haw ted. ;• • • A -middle-aged/ business man m Feil^-; ,dinig had better have a care "or he "will strii.s trouble badly before long. , He'has written. several letters .to a young Palmers-ton gdrl-^little more than a school-girl^-inducing her to leave her; home and parents. The girl hasn't cottoned to it, but all; the sams .if he 'continues hds attentions he will! wondervwhat struck him one of these fine mornings . • • ■ • .« Sweating m the Permanent Forces. On Tuesday ' a permanent artilleryman, against whom there was a judgment summons, . got into the box and remarked that he. hid a wife and family, he was getting £2 2/ per week, paying £l<a week ront, and' had no money or property beyowfl his screw.' Were it not for a stray boarder his family would be on the verge" of destitution. In the circs no order was pressed for.] Fat old fossils still eke out a. lazy existence m the Dunedin police. North-East Valley has one of the primest of* these. "Critic" is awarethat a man must have a good chest measurement to get into a blue coat, "arid ventures to suggest that when the stomachic girth of this emblem •of idleness has assumed abnormal proportions and Ms speed cannot possibly exceed five miles an hour, the .ranks of the heroic police should know him no more. "■-•■• ' ' •.* ' ■ * * . How. bobbies are initiated m Well-' iQgton. Some of the boys at the Lanjibrton Quay {station made up a heat parcel of assorted paper and placed it /on . the beat of a raw recruit. The new chum, who had not been on the jdb leng enough to crease his glorious new trousers, discovered! the parcel. In great excitement he carried it to the' station, and waited around for promotion while the sergeant m. 'charge opened the bundle. When he next finds a suspicious package he : will probably retire round the nearest corner and investigate it thoroughly before doing anything rash. • «' « The headmaster of the Palmerston South school must have been up to some pranks lately, because the Otago Educatioift Board has been m"- -" quiring into his behaviour. Mouths are kept shut, though, and nothimg is yet made known of the nature of his digression from the path of conventional uprightness. The investigations have been made behind barred doors. Such a procedure is only lair to the man himself, for the rumors should not be trumpeted about the country until they are proved to have substantial foundation. "Critic"thinks every schoolmaster gets crazed one way or another No doubt this comes of a childishness born of constant association with kids. The capers of sober-minded, married rectors with sweet, submissive ladyleachers are numerous enough to swell out an amusing but unoubHshable book. Only a little time back, ■m the Otago province, there was that startling and mysterious murder of the schoolmaster at Papakaio. All the sideliph-ts of the tragedy did not ! come out m the over-wholesome print of the local papers. Rennie had ' his litt! ' fads like the rest of them, j and wondrously uncommon photo- ■ • graphs were found m the house- But ■ let us not rake up any, more sordid 1 memories. ■

You cannot attain eminence by climbing- _ on- the fence. Life may be like a river, "but it doesn't gain m depth by- being, narrow. - ' •« - * Temptation has little time for a' cheerful heart and a well-filled stomach. '■'■ • ■ • » r A fractious horse ! is easier to guide.than a sulky horse. It is just the. same with people. ■-...•-.■ ' .1" * A comedy : has been wittily likened to a " cigar. If it's good, everyone wants a box ; if it's bad, no amount of puffing will make it draw.. That homely dish, tripe, has been compared to a "specimen of inferior, sponge" ; while that useful, article, the needle, has been called 'the "rent, collector." • • * A Waipawa resident complains bit:terly of the conduct of; Bobby Raines of Ihat village and of the quality of. the ideal beer. Between the bad beer and <ijbe bouncing bobby he reckons rWaipawa is the best place, m New 'Zealand to be out of. • ' • . • There has 'been litigation up at New Plymouth^ lately, where a six-and-eight shark was the defendant. The said shark oarri&d on the business of lawyer* and land agent. The combination was represented to a jury as being a . hydra-beaded monster. It's worse— lt's pizeh ! '..'" « *• s « Analytical Wilford asked Sargood's manager on Wednesday if Cossar, his : ill-starred departmental head, -had ' been ' keen i<n the interest's of the firm;.. The manager :"J 'He was paid for it.'' Wilford: But are there : riob many who are paid' to be 'keen and are not so ?,'•' The manager ' acJmowl edged that' there' were. ;y ■" '• .. -, ■■ ." x v - ; "It is easy to be a statesman m I New Zealand nowadays,?' remarked the lion. H. Scotland the other day. ■"A man may be a bush carpenter ! one -day, and a, statesman the next; a sly-grog seller one day, and a. | statesman" the next.'? Anyhow, Scot-< land didn't tell the world what he' was before he 'became 'a statesman. A man canT serve two masters. This was realised' at New Plymouth t'other day whea lawyer Hamerton appeared for both the borrower and the lender. Unfortunately his sympaihies were with the borrower, whose land he represented to \be worth four times its actual value. ' On these repr-esenitations the lender, Moynihan, parted with £280 and received as security land worth £55, Tlia case was Courted subsequently, .and tha. jury gave a verdict for £225 and costs-. How many more members of the Gentleman One profession are going to get into trouble ? • • •. &■ youngi man -named John Sweeney had a glorious time m Wellington last week. ' He came, down from Moawhanga with a £50 cheque and cut it out m nine days. Then he started asking casual passers-by for coin, and m his ignorance accosted a policeman and begged a shilling of him. Wihen the copper recovered from a dead faint he' took measures to have Sweeney arrested on the usual charge of "idle and disorderly-," and the country bumpkin -faced the music on Wednesday. He told the Bench he thought he could get his passage back to work from the Labor Bureau, and Magistrate Riddell gave him the chance. ' \ , SUGGESTIONS FOR MOTORISTS. If your brake fails to work at a. critioal moment, run into something cheap. If you desire to make an impression on a young lady, run over her. , Common humanity dictates that you stop when the tyres are out of wind. By seating your best girl m front with the chauffeur, you will have something pleasant to look forward to during, the ride. Should your auto overturn, leave •your seat immediately. You should know your brakes or else you will break your nose. If a man gets m your way and is run down, he should apologise. If he is dead, demand an apology from his wife., • 9 « A Palmerston North correspondent writes to the effect that all registry offices are not run on the lines of those recently exposed by this paper and mentioning that of Mrs Essex as an example. Of course they are not, and this paper never insinuated that they were. There are Several, no doubt, on strict business lines, and the? genuine seeker after a job gets a square deal every time. ''Truth' quite recognises this, but the fact still remains that a great many of them are only opened by some person of shady reputation as a last resource, and any means are taken to secure a few shillings. Because there are a few genuine ones that does not say all are genuine any more than the fact that there are many bad ones does a?t prove them all bad.

Take care of the thrummer, the plate will look after itself. Distrust of the scientist is an acute conviction of the average Briton.j • • « Most people seem to inherit all sorts of^habits except that of making money, m •• i . The station hand is easily picked. He diodges the mutton at the board-iag-house. • * . m :' The female colliers of Great Britain are, ajfter all., like the sex elsewhere. They wear the breeches. • » • •'-'Mr Wilford studied the Swiss Con- i stituftion from th© window of a railway carriage."— Daihn Fisher^ In Grace Church, New York, recently, a pew was sold by auction for £735. Blessed are the pew^-openers. •- • • Mr Ell, oosn s the 1 Legislative Council *• "I say it is not a revising Chamber. " Mr T. McKenzie : "It's a museum." (Boisterous scene, m the House.) • « • "I'm a freethinker, your Worship, and want to make an affirmation by holding up my right hand." Thus remarked a small man named Williaxh Cornish, who gave evidence against,. superior criminal Whitton, on Wednes-' day, • « * »>}»? The infamous record which New Zealand has held for years, as the country of undiscovered! crimes, has been wrested from her by marvellous Smelbpurne. It's the one asset cheerfully handed over, with the heartfelt wish that it may never come back. • * « What sort of a primeval waste is Brooklyn ? A Court witness on Wednesday couldn't give thenam© of thei Brookfyn road be lived m, simply because there was' no road. Counsel > "How do you get to your house •?•"' "Oh, climb rouiiid over the fences," replied the yeraoious witness. • • •. Tom Wilford has no time for Switzerland, which is constantly thrown at the heads of members as a standard to liv,e up to. ''I've ibeeii through Switzerland,'" said Hutt's elected m the Reps., "and I never saw such a God-forsaken country. Were it not for its tourist traffic, Switzerland would go bung to-morrow." • • « The possibility that the Upper Houae should cut its own throat is not entertained by some members who opposed the Bill to make that moss-covered institution elective "If the Bill passes m this House, what chance has it of passing it m the other place?" asked the member for Hutt. "Buckley's!" be added, with emphasis and unexpectedness. • • • A Christohurch auctioneer who is very proud of his "yellow brudder," the Ohow, 'lias shown his appreciation by recently importing from a Melbourne Chow factory a big shipment of furniture. He does it for the Chow's sake, of course, and not because the furniture is cheap and, of course, shoddy. But it looks well and what's; more to the point sells well M • * m - Year m and'year out that courteous old Parliamentary battler, William Steward, brinigs down has Legislative Council Election Bill, likewise his Elective Executive Bill, and members let them pass the second reading out of pure regard for the amiable ancient ; then they 'biff them out with an emphatic bang, at the third reading. Perhaps it is kindness, for if the measures were nassed the patriarch would have nothing to occupy him m his decliniTug years. *•• • ' 'A 1 short dark man named Percival 'J.\Hu«'heshas been masquerading m Wellington as "Dr. Hughes," "Dr, Bartlett" and "Dr. Roberts." He wears a frock coat and bell-topper, and victimises tradesmen. As- "Dr f Roberts" he endeavored io get an outfit from Arthur Bartholomew Clater, the articles including three suits of pyjamas, 1 a silk hat, a pair of gloves a dozen collars, six pairs of sox, a dozen handkerchiefs, and three ties; total value £15 11/6. Mentioned tfeat he had rooms at the Club Hotel, and ordered the goods to be sent there. He offered to take some of the goods, but the shopkeeper was too fly- -Aiso he represented to a youth m Plimmer arid Devine's that he was staying at the Hotel Cecil, and obtained- 5s from a youth there on the representation. The doctor was evidently hard up. Hughes is not long out of gaol, and the police told Magistrate Riddell that he had! previous convictions m Australia and New Zealand. Hughes denied' the Australian convictions, and Chief 'Tec McGrath said the record; was sent across with Hughes's photograph, which was unanistakeable. The prisoner handed his Worship a long written statement and after reading it the S.M. remarked upon the difficulty a much convicted person experiience'S m convincing people that he is ;a suitable person to employ, Seni traced to three months..