THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 106, 29 June 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted braVQ the Critic's rage ? Or note mimovodhismontion'in the Critic's pag Parade his erroHn tho piiblic eye ? And Mother Grandy 'a rage <lefv? '■' ■

. Court proceedings— kissing.; The sinner's resort: A' iwOTup* school., , ' » ' ■ .»• ' «... Now is the political winter of our discontent. •. k « , ' .• . ■■■ .■'«. ; ; ■■-. -A' CKmanian by any "other name would look just as yellow. • « • The price of flour seems to go up and 'down like *& thermometer gone mad. . ■ •■ * * He is a very crocliety cuss who is compelled to pay his debts against his wi11..-. . ; - According to a 1 man who professes, to know 'there is a lot of waste unattached girl m Christcburch. • ■ • * Mr O'Reilly, Thaw's new counsel, says that the next defence is going to he • ''insanity." ,The fast was simply foolishness. It is the custom with Austrian footballers to box their opponents' ears at critical periods of the gamis. The <hahit is to "b^ deprecated as it smacks of ill-nature. • ■ , * - 4 Cabinet 'ministers and ministers of the Gospel invariably give "sympathetic replies." And that's generally all you get out of them. i •' ••'••. No ■ woman is as good as ife looks; to know that/is the first step to-wards-the attainment of 'knowledge of the World. The .next— to' know that few. men are so bad as they, seem.. The proprietor * of the Journal, "Stendardo," of Cuneo (Italy), having, had trouble with his sitaffi, engaged girls to bring the paper out. The neWsvendors at once boy.-cotted it. , m•• : * The sale m the 'Albert Hotel, Wellington, "this week was marked iby the extraordinary number of women who attended. It is supposed they wanted to see the place; , where hushiands spend their, evenings.; \' . • • • What brand of trains do they run m some parts of the South Island, we wonder, A mail coach missed the train at Dommett last week, but passed it before it got to Tromore, five miles further on. The guard of that alleged train looked as silly as a cracked saucepan when he saw what, had happened. •■' ■..•■■.•■ x AN" EPITAPH. Here lies the affidavit man' Who swore to circulation. Although deceased, he has inoreased His worldly occupation. In life he He'd but once a day-* A petty little crimeBut sinco m death -he's, lost "his breath, He now lies all : the time. • • • The plutocratic push of landlords on Bank's Peninsula and thereabouts who have been aggregating enormous estates for years, buying out all the small fry, have been subjected to some hot criticism at the hands of Canterbury press and politicians la/tely. The Government is to <be asked to stop the little game, as nobody Can get a foot of land of his own, not even enough to bury a dog m. And now a Peninsula Swindlecate has purchased E. Bullen's Greenhill's Estate at Kaikoura, consisting of 36,000 acres of tfre best land m the South Island. These bloated -big bugs! are jdjwiti® yrsll indjeetfi ' --^.... '

It is easy to tell a lie ; the trouble is to ;get- people to believe ' it.. . ft^^W'.":^'?^- I '?''^.'''-^'^^^*:^.'.^ ■• ■"' "■' ' : . vM'^anfl- I "IP Vyp* synonym mous •terms j , . ah d ' ' is anear relation; \- yj- .•■■.•' :v y :i : '■ ''''. . .'■ : ' ' ' •"-■'.■ ■ ■ • ,. f. ■ » "It is bad, but it is. good," as the girl remarked when she got her first .love letter. - - . . '• ■ ."' ".* ■ ■'" ■• • ■ Any. man can be a celibate w-hp has never had the chance of ,ijjeing anything else., ';'.■■ Opponents', of living statuary say. t<h-at the b-ar-e ' notion -of such exihi-bi-tions is-" awful. ■ v '■-. • - ' *■■;-.;.' •-'-<■ \^\at the Tsar wants is a Duma that will confine, itself to ' the Qpen- , in-o; prayer and a . motic-n to; adjourn. Tlie old^wives of Madrid find a-hap-r. py omen: for tbo bdrth of a prince m the . suony , skies . . • They- mean;, of course, "sonny-' skies; ,-' - X ' ■•:■•::/.■'. %i-^ '■' -' •'A country paper asks.: ''Are Flats Less^ Popular ?■? Evidently \.not, or , sopae men. ; we know by sight would! not be' living m cbmf or table idleness.- --* - . " • . ■ " ■•■ : * y.' ■- ■ ' • The rule tliat. everyone receiving an • income tax form must fill it up will do a good deal . to increase IJie amount collected, ' i&t > ev'-en hardened liars m conyessaltion'* s-hink from putting their hand; to a written 'declaratidn which they know to-be false- ■:" ' •■"■■ " ■■/■ >"":•.•"-■ ■-" f'■ : : ■ ■ The Rev. Mr Edmonds, for nine years \ a , Ejjiptist Minister^ at, Tot-ten ham ( England) ;■ ,Ms^bando;n©d the minis.try fof; the drapery trade; A-Baptfs^'Jbt'^ieii'.^Wyrmtoß .• He: did not' care a particle; But now he asks, with smile beni-gn; ;"A : nd wl}at.is the ne^t Arl/if,le? ! ' ' ' •' *" :i -"' .-■'■■, ; '*:''■ ' • :. ' ■ Little semi-political bodies are great ( hands |at '. trying to jcun the "country— on *p apet . 'Tlitf Chlisf church Trades and Liabor Council now wants lihe Grpverrinient to nationalise the marine coastal and intercolonial service. A pretty tall order, but it's ,time the bumptious all-fired Union Company was- taken, town a peg. •' . • 4- ■ • A . Tai^hape man went on a jag the other day m <a:curious way. A poiiceman -vvrho arrested liiin for drunkenness said that - prisoner had been a source of • annoyance at a boarding-h-ou&e, where he w-as found m bed "surrounded by six beer bottles and having a glorious time/ He was a first offender, and was. fined five shillings. ■-.'..■ •■■'*, . * ' * ' There is a ticket inspector on the Christchurch trams who , has been getting himself very ' much disliked. He makes himself a perfect nuisance to both the officers and %he public;- and fbllows 'the ; latter up for tickets just as they are/ getting off the tram, causing much _ prof anity,, It is time the. gentleman was given a good talking to by. the boss, ■ ■• , • ■ ■'. m v - Concealing liquor about>-her. hous& for sale •■ .was thia charge preferred against an Oamaru citizeness named Margaret Andrews, but the lady laid the fault to her hubby, who had ob-. tamed the grog for his own private use, she said. He concealed it m a double: manner of speaking, hut it struck the Magistrate that he had a frightful big thirst, and the woman. was asked to part up a tenner. There are any number of slygrog depots m that district, and the nips doled out by the proprietors are woefully small.; * ' .» «•■ THE KISS ; , _, . ( i It has no Value for only, one per- . son. . .. '. ■ ' ' It is the expression of., supreme happiness for' two persons. : The child gats it ,gratisi ; The young man steals it. It is the right of children, the privilege of lovers, and the mask of hypocrites. ."•"'■'• For a young lady it represents Faith, •for tire wife' Hope, and for •ohe old maid Charity.j '.-,.• . » . : •'■*.' It pays to go the .V7hole hoft land nothing but vhe entire animal if one embarks on a career of crime. Sentences are usually made concurrent, which after all is a humane provision. ■ When, a person decides to go out he stops at nothing, and multiplies his transgressions. Were his sentences' multiplied m the same manner he might' just as well have committed murder or something equally heinous, and pur discriminating Magistrates recognise this. On i Monday Alfred Phillpotts was charged > on seven informations of theft (total s £5 5s 3d) from his v employers, the ) Ncwtown Dairy Company, and it ► was represented that he • was already ' serving six months for hbuse-breiui- • ing, Magistrate Riddell gave him ! 1 three months more, but upon the i:e-« ' r presentations of the police, his Wor- 1 . ship regarded it as practically one . offence, and made the sentence -concurrent. Phillpotts is a voui/r >*<;)- --: low, and appears to !have fallen from E grace for some unfathomable reason. I It is probable be didn't have sufiicjjient intelligence to ponceal his fall 'Irom grace* , - ■ - -- \ '

i It's a nasty jar for the sly grog his; ■ premises.- ■'-' -■ ~H ■"' •" ■£ T- '.'. f■- ;. "\ \;:7- "'".. ■ ■ ■_. . * .-. ..- ..*, *: 'v..'\ ••■ ; ->' ■'"■■■ i " '■■' the prohibited person is not only a piiblic nuisance, but he is a nuisance to the publican. '.'-.' : '• « * ' ■ Every little 'tradesman calls himself a contractor these times, and he contracts debts which he can't pay. s ■ ■ '#.'♦ « .Fashionable women m Cleveland (Ohio) have established".... a, manicure, parlor for cats. "It- is- regarded- as a i form" ..of . a-mews-anent. • ' « «■'.;■* • ' | The American paper declares that I the - motors-car is : "an instrument [ which reliißves! us of the responsibiliI ties of life."' We wouldn't^ for tW world .contra-diet an. expert.- .':''• *,' : • * Dr. Stenhoiise jtold a mob ot Dunedin girls' not to listen to . any young man who came to them with „ tale of love,' unless he could show a life insurance policy. Let's see, y is Stenhou'se married himself ? ,; - • * • ■•■:■■.'■ The; marriage recently celebrated at Raetihi -between a Maori-r esident and his 17-year-old -bride has given rise to much talk. It is said that the bridegroom is fairly well educated, and possessed a good Store of this world's goods. Was it possible for this glittering magnet to have magnetised the bride! s parents?. Recently Ah Loon, a Chinese, who ; had been summoned . relative .. to , the maintenance of a stepchild, -as a ward of the; State, at the Ballarat Court, Victoria, got so f riglitened ■'. ; at ' the prospect of being sent ' to gaol .that he locked -himself m a hut and cut his .throat. Poor toon&y ! Anyhow "there is ori-e Chow less m the wbrid., It has be&n ' worse than Hospital Saturday m. Ghristchurch during, the past few weeks, every pious-looking. 'Job.tu.nie with the slavering mouth and the assurance that makes insurance agents, canvassing all and sundry to join the V.M.C.A. It was a disease of some unknown nature that broke out. among the young fellows, and ijh'D contaigjion spread and harrassed citizens wlio didn't even know the mean-tog ;of 'the initials, and who will never turn up to hear what they do mean,, or see- the grotesque antics carried on m the hall, put their ! monikers down and seemed satisfied I when they found • that their : pockets weren't assailed. But they will be, and then the 'Association's big total of members will dwindle like a tote div. when someone has. put fifty quid on a favorite and reduced the div., . '■■ ■■*.'. •' ' • *'Who kill&d Cock Robin l"> '■"I," said the Sparrow k . ("But twenty-seven alienists can, prove I did it under the\ influence of' a brain "storm, with an unwritten law on tlie side. HypotheticaUyr-") "Who saw him, .die '•?/£ '••I," said the fly . ("But as I don't care to waste six weeks, serving as a witness, I'm on my, way to Europe.") *• Who'll he chief mourner, ?.'* "l, n said the Dove ■• - . . - \ ("Black was always becoming, to me, anyhow ; and: the papers will hint that he was m love with me.") "Who'll sew his shroud ?,"-■ "•I,"' said the Beetle. '(•'Unless the Shroud-Fitters* Union decrees another strike m- the- meantime.'') iAnd all of the teds were a sighin' and sopbin' . For the warm -''Trial Extras'^ m the case, of C. Robin., .:, V A«Life,'^ New, York... „,g ' * , '« There J is! more than one i'two-up^ school m- active operation m Christchurch, -but the police appear to be blind- to the fact. From what has happened m various parti of the colony lajtely '"two-up" would seem to be Maoriiand'si national 1 indoor pastime., It is the custom: for persons- to dump their i relations into the lunatic asylum and then to 'forget 'all about them ; they also. evince great antipithy -towards (maintaining them,, and the Sunnyside (Christchurch) people are (getting <dog> tired of keeping these mental (derelicts for nothing. There were a number of cases at court on Tuesday, but the folk proceeded agadnst were as poor as they make 'em, or swore 1 hay were, and m five instances no orders were made, and m another only two bob a week was charged up against his poor income as a 'bootmaker. His wife had obtained an order for maintenance against the joker, 'but he sooniquasiied -that by kissing and making it up again. It was incidentally stated that ids father was a wealthy man, but -as rtjhe business had nothing- to do with dad, he was ruled out of the discussion. Three young> fellowsi, two only boys, were lined up, but their cases statvd over as it was stated that their father could, and should, be made to pay ; so he is to be

fin^r^print cai'ti print Worth a cbfl$ v ■••',..'■' -'. "' '■■■■*'■■'■■'.. '*»■■*" ' *' ' 'Advice by- a shemale to a newiy-m-arrield woman- :— "You are put to a stern- choice m this matter. You must either makieagitool of the crea-r ture or a::mjin pf ■■>, ' :^--. '■:•:- .■••■- ■ » WKen a man comes home, hungry! and tired his wife's piety won't feed him. "Hard carrots will lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety,."- as "G-eor-ge Eliot" wrote. • • • ■ ,- . .. : "-An •intercKiaai-gaa-ble sort of husr-v band," was a Sydney 'judge's description of a man who lived with two women. There are a good many ; of that sort m Wbllington, too.. - .. - '•'■■ . « • . Anachronisms" stalk through! the average modern play. When. Julius Knight, of- the pleasing -legs,- was acting "Brigadier Gerrard," many ; people took snuff m view* of the audience, but nobody sneezed. It would be more m keeping with snuff if Gomebody had sneezed. ■ ■ ♦ * * •■• ' A Carterton sky-pilot of the Methodist belief - held a special young women's service -last Sunday evening 'to which young men and non-church-goers were cordially invited. The subject was '"What Happ&nad by the Riverside?" As if young ■men ' and young- women don't know Without ibi&in-p; told from a Methodist Church pulpit. • . • •-■•.'■ At Hastings recently, th'C young men connectacl with the local stables Were entertained by the clergyman of St. Matthew's Church m the Sunday Schoolroom. The- Rev. Mr Hobbe reoeived the guests, and at the social evening games of cards, music, etc., were provided. Cards ! What has Jay Jay North to say tp this ? Probably the game played was euchre v . ■ ■: '■■ ■■■'•-■ ♦•■■•'■ '•' Swankey is m great demand at : Ashburton, which still boasts its usual weekly quota of. boozers despite prohibition. A couple of blokes stole a keg of the curse from a highly indignant citizen the other day, and. proceeded to have a great time. They were nabbed, however, and fined a quid or a week at court. They are paying rather dearly for their guzzle at Hashburton these days. » .'■ » * According £0 a country paper m the South Island, a recent lady visitor from England was invited to a : luncheon party. ( After the meal bridge was suggested, and the English visitor -wivutt'd to play. When the game was' finished the "new* chum" was.informed that she had lost £5. On returning home the lady acquainted her husband of the fact, and asserted that she was . not aware that mon«y -was being played- for. , Hubby sent along a cheque for £5 5s (card losses and 5s for luncheon) . An acknowledgment came m due course, stating that the' £5 was correct, font that 5s was insufficient for luncheon ! No wonder then that m Utah, U.S.A., the penalty for bridge is 5 years'- hard -labor., : ■ ' ' >B * '-." ■ :■ Chi'istchurch; City. Councillors take a long while to think over a thing; they. don't seem to be ever very sure about anything, and hate innovations. It is time they decided about erecting an up-to-date crematorium. Some committee . is vaguely understood to be ■ "considering" the question, but whether they are considering worth a, cent isn't known. One chap got tired of waiting for that crematorium, and died without having the satisfaction of knowing that there was, to be one some day of other. However, he believed m being roasted Whole, and asked his executor to have . his body burned m the destructor if possible. It was a strange request, and his wish wasn't gratified. , I^o his body was carted to T 4nwodd Cemetery and consigned to yiie worms, Slinging a human body into the Destructor furnace along with dogs and things, didn't appeal I to the Mayor, but it showed that there was at least one man m the community who didn't care a rap what they, did with him after, death anyway.;: When, one thicks of it a constable; lays himself out for a rough time. On Saturday- night Constable Cum- " ming, of Wellington, had occasion to arfest a man named Butcher on a charge of unlimited beer, and Butcher's mate, Edward Thomas Rice, protested; with violence. He also was much hopped, and 'bent the constable, (who is young and athletic) about considerably. His shako could no longer be displayed to the admiring gaze of the average girl m the street, ' and the lacerated condition of his tunic, would . arouse her earnest sympathy. It was mentioned m evidence that Rice took a brutal advantage of the booby during the scuffle,, as those deplorable characters are apt to do, but the policeman did not show any ill effects m the Court, . and , Magistrate Riddell made the fine 40s or 48 days on the charge of insult to the uniform and "obstruction, moreover, accused was ordered to pay the cost of the damage, or go up for 14 days, sentences to be concurrents „ . . -