THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 104, 15 June 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave thp Critic's rage ? Ornotounmovedhismehtioninthe Critic's pag Parado his orror m the public eye ? And Mother Grimdy's rage defy? , Live not to eat— drink as well. ; •■■' .■■■■.*-*.•••• /.■•■■ ■ "■ .Women mate men what they. are. Never introduce your donah to your wife. ■ *' ■ , . ' „ -•... • . •. ' : : - ■ ..._"' « ■ : •..',;■-■# „; „■' ,/ .' Vice <is pleasant and Virtue mOnOtonOUS; ':■"■';,-..'' ■■"•■THe'-^iroffa ;::; - :t t(i"- ::; h'en'''isV ; :pave"d'with sermons. * " • ' ■ ' • ' ' , * • * ' ' ' . . ■ A' woman's nay is yea, but , it depends on how she says it. ■"■.«• « a ■■- ' ''' '' Married men get the shocks of their lives on their wedding night. , • • • It is an old maid who coined the phrase one man is as gjood as another.. .-:_.-. ■ - •-.-•• , ■ -.-.'• • -■. '-■ ■ • Low Mock Shing advertises m the New Zealand Government Gazette that ho is not. responsible for any debts incurred . by his wife, Eva Low Mock Shing. Eva was pretty, low-, dbwn when she took on Mock Shing, but Eva seems to have got < lower than ever mow. ♦ * • ■ ' ; It is reported that one resident of Paparoa declined to sign the protest against a public house being established at that place, and his reason is. a peculiar one. "If we have, no hotel here," lie remarked, "we .won't be ■ able to : have a bath." Why he will be able to swim mit if he likes. ■ . ■ ■■'..-• •■■,',. • .••*.. * •.. • .■■• . • . ■ P.al,merston North is waking up to the fact .that the '•' Yellow Peril" is serious, but it is doing it m a peculiar kind of way. T'other night, without any rhyme or reason, some European bumped up against a Pagan and fe)led him to the ground. Talk of further, proceedings 'are m the air, of course.' . > Some rich individual m England recently ; crossed, the Styx leaving a fortune behind to be split up among his family, most of whom are daughters. If any of these daughters marries ,a. clergyman, she. loses her cut. Evidently the old' fogey had no time for +,he meddling parson, and' wanted .none of him m his family anyhow. • '*''■# v ' , ■ The following advertisement appears m ■■the West Coast • 'Times" : The person m the habit .of helping- himself to the coal belonging to $. resident of Beach-street is hereby warned to avoid a number of dynamite caps which will profoaWy b© placed m the vicinity of the coal to -ensure his identity ! The chances are he will be settled beyond identification: » o « ' A hotel for girl students is to be established m Wellington. Scbtohbyterian G-iiblb is running the show,, with nominal assistance from the local Anglican pope.. To prevent rows, no religious test will be exacted on admission, but there will be prayers.' What a dreary, unattractive prospect is opcn:d up to the girls by mention of "prayers !>" It is intended to foster a spirit of culture among* the students, but whether the culohaw is to •include the Wesleya-n/ smile, or the Anglican sing-song chant, or the t>roper pronunoiati'On of "releegious," as taught by the porridge kirk, are matters of detail that will be left to a subcommittee. Above all Ihe pupils have got. to be mat a prudent hour at night. In fact, the object of the Girls' Hostel Society is to guard against imprudence and the fiery person who goeth about liike a roaring lion seeking Tsfcom be may cuddle.

■i A rolling stone is liable to cause -damage. . -- ; . '.:■.'.• .■ • r ■*..... •■ " '" iWffat abotit a raid on some of the Bridge schools ? -• . • ' . • The' Wellington hashery that advertised, : "Girls a specialty," probably meant grills. v .-..•■■ ■ f • ' . Noted that most of the Christchurch drapery and warehouse' firms ,are always applying' for' juniors only.; . '.'., - *-•-'*■ " ■ » *Tihe kauri timber trade may be all right, but it -is - certainly " providing : financial coffins for the pabMiet-mak-ers who perforce, have.to use the wood.; ; ''; • The indecent language nuisance is becoming very , pronounced. D'rV McArfchur told, the Court the other day that he had himself heard four, volunteers making use of the vilest language near the Town Hall.. There was riot a policeman to be seen anywhere, and were his wife not with him lie woulfl have arrested the mon Himself. * ■ '■■' .- '.■■•■■ *-..'• : * Many papers m the colony— which isn't a. tb'aid sort of a colony when you look at it •through the i?hin end of a glass— print a column headed ''Work aMf. Wages." Well, there are any. number vwhp get wages without doing work, and' plenty who work without receiving, wages worth speaking- of. T^hese -might"- .'be notified, m parallel columns /when- capital isn't looking. ■ ... • . . \ • . • As Fullers have challenged the staff 'Of ''Truth" to a friendly game of football,, it has become essentially necessary m the interests .of pure--'and clean. . sport foi- each player to sipi a declaration against going, to England or -Timbuctu or anywhere as professionals. This does, not mean* that beer, and' plenty of it,' will not be on hand when the two teams "shake hands.". _' * *A : '■ man was arrested at Makatote recently by Constable Montgomery » on a .' charge of having imposed' on residents : there by 'selling cold tea as whisky, it is stated that he sold seven bottles m all, charging £1 per bottle. A wrinkle for Isitt, |T§mmy Taylor and Co. This seems to be enforcing ; anti-shick principles with 'a "vengeance. What price the palates at Maka'tote, anyhow. ' • ■ '. ' ■•.-'■" v An extensive miner of girls named Ja/mSS Harvey represented, himself as a single man to a waitress at Auckland, with the customary increase m the vbirthrate. Harvey, who is not satisfied with one legal missus, was ordered to pay three halfcrowns a week, and was further remanded on &■ charge of deserting: another 'Ghild at Brisbane. It would be cheaper for Harvey to collect his unauthorised off-spring, and get someone to board them as a job lot. • frhroat-cutting seems to be the favorite threat to make m:; Ghrastchureh .feiflGS, the attempted murderer Hehir was -giviari a life sentence for performing' • that ' operation, on', his para-! mour. Another coot. maimed Thomas' , Wallace, was' bound ' over to keeT>,' the; peace towards his wife, whom he had. cruelly ill-used, . ' and had threatened to! '■■cut her gizzard.,. This ,may have the effect ' of keeping the unspeakable rascal (fuiet for the. next twelve months, Wtone never L»3ws. , -'•;.-■• ■■*''■'-.■• . • • * !An unusual defence .was set up by an habitual Napier drunk recently, "t do not -'pef drunk," he remarked. "I am 'suffering from an occult power.' It is a matter of, the policeman's power 1 of mind working on my miiid. ;It affects me mentally^ alWJiys;- , I was at the theatre last night, and I had no drink." Bulky Bobby McAlister testified that when he -removed the mental theorist from the theatre he was so helplessly un^ sober that he CGuld not stand. Two quid or seven days. '■". '■ . . ■' ' •'- • * The '■'Yellow Peril" is getting a rough time of it m Feilding, as last TPriday w.eek a youngster heaved a stone, with deadly, aim, and struck a' Chinaman on tlie eye, raising a lumn like an egg. Again, about 10.30 next viiight a . piece of river metal . weighing 121 b was thrown through the large plate glass window of Sin'g.Luan.Kee's shop, at the corner, of Manchester and Grey Streets, making a hole big enough for. a man 'to get through. And vet people say there is no life m Feilding. '. .■ • ...*•• • • A remarkable co-incidence m fingerprints has been discovered m Sou|/h Africa. The prints Y in question are those of two Englishmen awaiting trial ■ on criminal- charges— one- at Capetown -and the other at Bloemfontein; ■ The finger-prints of both men were produced at the trial of one of- them, and found to be identical m every respect. Referring, to this matter -.one Detective „ Quartermain, a • kind of finger-print expert m New Zealand,, declares it to be absurd. Quite so. A few more curious instances of this kind will knock the htottom out of the fingerprint system, and Quartermaia might be s«e3cvn© a job eSsev&ere,,

Hypocrites axe made* not .born.- .:. .Mind, readers are not. wanted m a lunatic asylum. r: We love our own little vices', but, abhor them m others-.. « '• • ■ <*■ ■ ■ The man or woman who dreams of youth always has sleepy, eyes., • • • « There seems to be as many medioiries floating round as there are peoP'le to take them., ; ; • ■•'•■' iA\ Ohristchuroh- woman named Bedelia Ki'dd has a oh'oice sort- of :afront. She isn't hitting it with her husband, William- George JCitid, "and on two occasions has him for maintenance, or desertion, or something, and then /.didn't turn up. So ffche man loses <two days' pay -from the gasworks and has to pay a lawyer as well. The Court will looktwioe at Bedelia's hand chiv before" it grants her any more summonses . In the Supreme Court &.t r InveKesus gill the other day, John M'Fadden, a schoolteacher,, was charged with making a false declaration to the registrar regarding^ the age of. a girl, of whose illegitimate child' he was the 1 father. He was sentenced to eight.een months' imprisonment, His Honor stating, he had to look at all the circumstances and not simply the offence with wihich he was charged. Prisoner was a school teacher on the West Coast, and the girl was one of his pupils. The false declaration was made at Windham, where both, parties moved to. < ■. ' . ■ * *■■'■.. * ■'■ , A 1 bold Hibernian named Denis PatricK Mafoowey is off the streets of OhriStOhurcJl just now. He Itas never: been, m Ireland, tout the name .smells of r the big walking-stick., Ho >is .a: young chap, well-togged, ; one of, the sights of ihe street ; but be ip-ade . a .devil of a mistake . m getting tight. . ■Once they na/bbed him on:a'cliarge;of -being mentally •disturbed-. .by cork and they, thought they ' d kesp; hint m 'durance ; so they preferred an information against 'him for being an incorrigible rogue . and- a vaga/bonid. .When foe woke up next- mprming-.-i and was hit m the eye with that, be lsd no appetite for breakfast. ,He -has previously done' time asa vag: so this tdirie he has elected to be tried . by a jury. . « •■•••• •.'•. The man who habitually got drunk on .Worcester sauce pales into insignincahce beside the Thames gumdigger who went on ! a lonesome jamboree on painkiller m the remote fastnesses of the kauri bush. He bought the liquid by the case; and ' waded m. Weird dances and pomic ditties were the first indication that, the drug had put •m some work ;. then he began to see .'em, and they were all shapes and sizes. He. made intermittent sorties into the bush after them, shrieking to keep his ' courage up, and then retreated; hastily to his whare. Next he went, j mad, and setting a . match ~tb his whare watched it burn with fiendish satisfaction. The painkiller went up i with it, and added purple and- blue trimmings to the hungry flames,. Then came rain, and purposeless wandering m the wet, then sanity, and work •a^aiii. Overproof whisky, isn't m i,t with painkiller. '.".., .':".". .' -i. |

Waihi ? s,Post Office must 'fee' a beautiful place. . Dr. Purdy, the: Health Officer, recently condemned it, and de r scribed it as ''Microbe, Villa." According .to. tbe doctor's report, no fewer than seven ; officials . have been sick since the beginning; of the year, and to complete the record for the first five months of 1907 two deaths from phthisis have occurred, whilst another member of the staff is at present at home suffering from the disease. In commenting on this scandalous, sickening, and disgusting state of affairs, the local paper modestly suggests that belore any other deaths can be. traced to the. . same cause, or additional cases' of illness reported, the Post and Telegraph Department will lose n© time m rer moving the . cause of complaint. A plug of dynamite ought to be: put vmder l>h© ilisease-spr pacing ddl. • ;'"'• , # ' '■'■■ Henry , Arrow stands charged at Waioawa with setting a spring gun m the garden with ; intent., to. do. bodily harm to. nobody m particular. The offending innocent not only put I the gun m his garden, 'but put ; up I a notice, '.'Spring ,'gun-, set." '„ The police appear to have shut their eyes hard to the fact that the gun was there until the spoke was shot out of a .bicycle , standing . near : the garden . This occurrence seems to have escaped the notice of "tbt! force," also but fat-headed Arrow complained/ to the police that he had lost- his giin,-' and he suspected somebody had stolen it. The police fownd the gun m the garden, and also the wire" connected with it. Anyone standing on the wire would be shot by the gun. Doubts, still seemed .to exist .regard-, ing the legitimacy of. the weapon for the purpose.of promiscuous, murder, and the Minister for Justice was asked for an opinion. McGowan seems . to have sent a stiff reply, for Arrow was immediately proceeded against, and was committed for trial, .with stiff baif, '

. _ Never litdge : a :/ : man: Jiby &is ; htai;^lQ v mayiiotvbe his own^ ;: >> ' ; . ■ -The 'barmaid- is 'barring •■ Committees just nowii ..,..» . • ' ■.«■•; •-■"•:. *'" ' How many , hotels do the brewert own fn Maoriland, anyway^ *' * • If you strike a bad oyster •? be st* lent; it is too late to cailit back. What's the matter with Westland,?: / TSfoere w<ere 235 . objectiohs against . jbhe Government , valuations of land tm the sroxind- that they were too low- ! .Tiiey • want, to sell out, dl"> course. ,' '" '. . r . „ • •'•■•'■ Cancer accounted for 23 deaths io ■the four;, centres of New S^aland last month.' Tfu'iy.a terrible 1 record. B^ut camioer has accounted '.for*TmoWtbja& death m the colony. Tlis dread . scourge has helped to bring into istence the cursed cancer > qijack, iwho is 1 flourishing on victims.' "Caifcfer ,is a .terrible scqurge, admittedly^ but it is not even'' half -as bad as ' $. tlie scoundrels r?hv pose, as mighty healerSi , ' .'. , .?..,--■->.■ • i • • -,• ■■ ■" That unique yarn, wihich started at Invercargill, and bounced through the colony like a football,- 'that' a fewhun* dred operators were ito: fee transferred to various stations by the graph Department, -is '■ pure, ~- unadulterated flam. Probably , the InVercargill scribe heard that a cadet was. leaving his station, or the fpjetpa'cii, or somewhere, and magnified the cadet into a transferred man at' a few huaidred a year, or thereabouts, amd sa'iid , that three hundred,, men w.ere jto be; transferred at once.' Anyhow, ; .it is <fcbe .finest all-round He this scribe has h&&xd- &lnc& i&sr$ -mtzp- ,■»? I'i99 worth ment-ipning. y~/}.l Fiji's Police "foorce" is.a spienSstd kind of animal- A new. InspectorrGeneral reoentlyi took command, with .tlip interesting result-that ' Fijian' ■'COli-" staibles have bwnvgett^g^-onl^y^fV: they deserved. Amori-gst other's- Jour Fijdan constables "have been\ Sßnteno- ;- ed to two weeks' imprisonment atthe Siiva .G>aol— three jfo/ bieihg foupd - asleep While on duty ,e;nd tt^ ! f <My\ for, an indecent assault; on at female. Mtoor ,h;ave.,.algp been -dealt With with a firm, but just, hang. Incidentally, also, it.might be. motioned, that three Indiian constables were found guilty of conspiracy y in an .alleged liquor case and were each sahtenced to -three ' -lu^ofa'ths* ; iinprisonm6ni. T^lk aboii^ guardians . of Law,i it tak-es the Law all it 'knows to guard against them. T .

One-legged vagrants get ; . over the oouartry with marvellous facility. Men with crutches comnvand . sympathy, but superb cheek is the, ma*h Sao tor of success. An elderly bloke named William Hulst, a foreigner by profession, whose appearance was- of a most repulsive character, dropped into the gaol at .Oforistphurch .this; week m a casual sort of manner. He had- been there and elsewhere before,. Especially at Dumedin, and V/hen h£ was accosted at Papanui (where he was found m a helpless condition) ie said that he h-adi 'been- struck,, by a Mcyele. Aether - the 'bike ■ hit him from; Dunedin to Papanui,- he didn't say, but certainly it Was a,mos,t re-; maTfrable -golfing drive.- .. Huls-t.hfcd one leg and a swinger, likewise two crutches, which would serve fo| ' firewood man emergency. As his- face was hard- enough totoake scoxie? on* Mr Bishop gave 'him some'' months. "BITE HER NOSE OFF.*' ' "Weiiingt/on,- Monaay^fliomas Me-; Kay has ibeen arrested at Duflfedio for 'biting ■ off ' a piece of Eliza Hall's nose. Tihe parties went over tp Melbourne recently to get •married, "but the gdrl changed her mirad and'return-t dd' to Sydney."— News cab-10. •Jf your sweetheart gives "you i" cheeky . 'Stead of being mild and meek, And you feel inclined to squeak a Bite her nose off.. , . - j Doesn't matter if it's long ; If she's weak, or if she's strong* Get a hold on, right or wrongs Bite , her nose off. ' ' X she's not inciiwtf to wed, f -.;.< And "your spirits fall like .lead, ■'._,• • Till you wish that you were dead, , Bite her nose off. If.. .you. -think she ',ll ne'er -be, yours, That she"s got some other wooerft* Biting 'em's the thing that curea, Bite her nose off. If to wed you she : decides ,* '• .; And to your manly bospm glides, ' Make, her weep like other brides, - Bite her nose off. Then when"" ever"y thing's been ,dO'n'e,i And the parson's made you 6ne» Take another bite for fun, '■"".,■' Bite her nose off. / •" Bite her, bite her, all the day, Bite her every bloomin' way,Else some otfrer- feller may. Bite her nose off. Bite her morning, noon, and nisii. Drunk or -sobers bite her, -bite,. , Don't forget you've got a right, • • - .To bite- her. nose. off. Bite her early, bite her late— '•^Noses' bitten while you wait U'* Let thaft be your watchword, mates '■ Bite -her nose oft. —Melbourne -'•'Trutii i t s .