THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 102, 1 June 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m th c Critic's pag Parado his error m tte public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defvV Tlie scissors grinder always finds things dull 5 ••••'■'•'.*".'•■' * The dentist is an' artist. He draws from real life.j . » 'w * The latest book is a novel one. It is called "Woman's Talk," and cannot be shut uPi . . _• • « The man who coughs with difficulty, during the r day-time regards it as strange, because he has been practising all night* * ■• ■ * . * •A country paper is publishing a series bf articles' entitled "Exhibition! Recollections." '/ W,hat confounded nuisances some newspapers are. As iif the darned show will ever be forgotten.

During a debate oil the "Anti-Asi-atic (question" at Cromwell recently, one of the speakers contended that we were to a certain extent brothers with the Chinese. This brought another to his feet quickly, and he solved that part of the question by remarking, "but how about the Chinaman as a brother-in-law, would you draw the line there V That settled that debate.

The Taihape police the other day boarded .the ballast train leaving Taihape at 1.45 p.m. for the north and removed certain' parcels of whisky which were being! taken into the King Country. One parcel was skilfully hidden ; m a portmanteau. It may not be generally known that an official circular to guards, prohibits whisky being carried by ' ballast, trains running to 'the? north. - Some further parcels of liquor were landed at Mataroa..

If nien can't look after -themselves they deserve what they get. If a woman, can she .deserves, the same. - * •'* .*'.-.' If - all the -lands suitable- to 'culti- ■ vation of> sugar cane were utilised m Cuba, the island could prbduce eirir oiigh sugar for the Western Hemisphere.^. How. sweet to know,, . . a '' a ■ ' • ' When Tiiaw's parents started Mm out m tiie w^rid with an allowance of £i7,,0Q0 a year for pocket money tliey might have known where the finish would be,-— News Letter, San Francisco. ■ ' •■ •' •••■-■■ •. * a The patterns on the finger-tips are not only unchangeable through life, "but; the chance of the finger-prints, of two persons being alike is less than one ohance m 64,000,000,000. ; And : the next crook copped on His finger- -. prints ought to make out that . he's rthe .Jloomin' ■ 64,-billionth bloke.

"The Capleston footballers desire us (says the Ihangahua Times") to state that they wish to congratulates the Globe team for the friendly man*ner m- which they played the, matchV. on Saturday, and also to thank Mr Heslop for his prompt and impartial decisions." -A new wrinkle for the respectable N.Z.R.U. Why hot frame, a by-law that each team shake hands before playing and afterwards':

A big. Mormon mission has been m progress at 'a Maori pah near Taihape recently. About 50(J na.ti.yes were present. The Mormon 1 brethren numbered about, seventy, including converts. If polygamy is m the programme the Maori cannot be blamed. By thc bye, what have become of the Moran on missionaries, who. recently '"did • Wellington, and , told' such sweet . stories of. easy life m- Salt Lake City too numerous Wellington bar belles. . Are the wives of the faithful getting too fat and ugly or stale, and flat, br what ? .

. Tlie tafcthumper and pulpit-puncher •■ is never at a lofcs to raise the wind, and' ihe "W.P, Herald," of Fiji, tells a nice story' of a man m holy orders at Rew.a* who '.'secured a rooster and tethered it with a string. 'He then -invited anyone present to have a shot at th'ehird, charging one shilling per shot. One Fijian 1 a Government official of high standing, had six shillings' worth. The .bird's leg was broken, but though wounded more than once, it still lived, presumably to earn a few more, shillings for the church. Surely such conduct requires to be enquired into, for, if, true, it deserves tlie highest condemnation." Highest condemnation is too weak and watery altogether. This clerical monster ought to be tarred and feathered. A beautiful object to spread the word among benighted Fijians., '

The pestiferous yellow person from Pekin" and surrounding territory is liable to be muoh disturbed during the plague scare m Wellington. The Mongol is a being of unclean habits, at the best of times, and when Jim Lea was charged at. the 'Police Court, Wellington, Wednesday, with making a urinal ■of the ordinary drain, "n Molesworth-street, nobody was astounded. Solicitor Herdmftn did represent that the drain is connected with the sewer, but the fact that its contents fall direct into the sewer and not through a trap, as m the case of a w.c, told heavily against the yellow horror.' who was fined 21s and costs 7s. Ye Hong kicked up a different sort of ; nuisance m Tarar. naki-street. His premises were littered wirth decaying and noisome fruit refuse, which hummed like the big circular of a sawmill.. Inspector Doyle secured a conviction and a fine of ten blob and.costs from 'Justices Luke and Lissington..

When is a man drunk? The tiifiV culty of distinguishing between beer paralysis and mere ordinary illness, does not trouble the Foorce to any great extent. Long practice makes perfect jta distinguishing between 'tother and which. Likewise, the Bench, even when it is unpaid, as oh Wednesday at Wellington, is -familiar with the , malady known as "suffering a recovery." Therefore, when George Christopher Mothersill protested that he was not full when rolling m the mud m front of the Commercial Hotel, the statement aroused suspicion m arbiters Luke and Lissington. Christopher, who aired a tall collar and a culchawed accent, confessed to being an exBoer slayer, m which occupation he received injuries to his head, which was responsible for bodily collapse at disjointed intervals. On Tuesday afternoon he felt so faint that he had to enter. Barrett's hotel, where he remained for an hour talking to the manager. He was seized with' faintness later m the street. Tlie Bench: "You were not drunk.?" Accused : "I emphatically deny it !" The police pointed out that Mothersill had been out on bail, but had failed to bring evidence of his sobriety, or his faintness .or generai debility, and had. not asked the police to . assist ' him m obtaining evidence. ..Accused still protested bis in-no-cenee, but a sceptical Bench convicted and discharged him.

The Saturday afternoon is the oldest British holiday. It. originated m the eleventh; century, when, ah edict of KSag Canute enacted that 'every S.u«.day,bo kept from. Saturday, noon to Monday's dawn.' ''o- :

A' reliigious service was held by Bishop Wallis at Raetihi and Ohakune the other week, and hot before it was. wanted either, judging by the awful stories that are occasionally wafted ; down, from the- towns mentioned. »

Of 4.-80 bicycles 'reported 'to the police as lost m tho OhTistchurch dis-last-year, xmly six cannot b© accounted for. All but 14: were actually - : reoovered, and of those 14 eight were not identified or claimed. Evidently like seeking a needle m a haystack. : .

■!AJ girl of seventeen, giving evidence before a . Brisbane magistrate a few. days ago, said she was a boot machinist, earning nine shillings' a week, out of which she naid. seven shillings fpr board, and , lodging, a penny -a day for 'bus fare, and the remaining one and sixpence she devoted to dress. And the.; capitalistic press wonder why sg friary, (girls.; fall. And New Zealand is not exempted either.

Amy Murphy took the principal part m , "The Geisha" at Dunedin last' week ,-w.L't'h considerable success. The opera was produced by the Dunedin Operatic Society, with Tom Pollard m charge. Miss Murphy sings wonderfully, and as a geisha m real life would no doubt be a paragon for plumpness, charm, and general suitability, but en tbe stage, -she. is rather, heavy t© do the required gallumph;in£ gracefully. Murphies always were, fatty things.

Mr Justice Simpson, the N.S.W. Judge, before whom Crick and Willis recently stood their trial, observed : —"Lawyers, m my opinion, are the most honest profession m- the world. I will not say most honest, hut as honest as^ any -other. Considering -the facilities they have fpr robbing; trusting clients, how' -'very -few-' i?ol** bcries.have occurred! They .are really a: very .honorable body of men." Very honorable, indeed. Look at Izard, Bruges, and others m New Zealand far too numerous to be mentioned.

The over-crowding of Dunedin trams is calling forth a deal of comment. •On the electric ears there is not a 'great deal of danger (although tho inconvenience to passengers is bad enough), but with the cable . cars running up to the hill suburbs any . undue strain may be disastrous, resulting m a repetition of the horrible accident of a few years back, m which, besides other damages,' a Chinaman was shot -head- first through . a galvanised iron ■fence. Ths thing goes on every day, however, and a 'big smash is inevitable,

The Yellow agony.- "Indigo want" writes as follows to the Carterton paper :— ''Sir,,— What do the young- men of Carterton call themselves? Sinoe the Chow has started washing, a , deserving local resident' s 'trade has dropped from sixty white shirts -to -six per week, and .yet the Chow ■ changes bigher . Think, of your own mothers and sisters, you thoughtless people. . The Chow man preferred to a 'white woman. . However, the investigation committee of the local Anti-Asiatic League has the matter under .consideration and the customers under' observation, and their names _. will be published as soon as ,the' list is completed" ',

The Timaru paper says :■ '"'The Dead Maroh Was heard m town yesteJrdav. the Salvation Army giving a soldier's funeral to a late member, W. Gulliimore.'' If anything will kill the military funeral as dead as the respected corpse, it is the Salvation Army. Some of the most magnificent songs have been slain .by pairodies. Booth's blood and boodle boobies are worse than a parody ; they are the do® howling at the moon..

Beer often gets a strong man down, but the victim bobs up serenely again,, until he is no longer a strong man _ then he remains down. It is the man m. bad health that beer gets down and worries out of existence. An -'unfortunate at the Magistrate's Court,' Tuesday, who had been disguised m 'beer on. the preceding evening, remarked huskily that he was going into ' the hospital. Probably illhealth caused this man . to elevate the pewter— he felt .better for a little while, then his malady claimed a shattered, victim. "You will find yourself m Karori," remarked Magistrate McArthur, with conviction. His Worship seemed perplexed what .to do. "The hospital you'll go to will be the first hotel," he said. "You will get .drunk, and they will find you dead one of these mornings." The prisoner ' did not seemed to be appalled at the prospect of death.' Perhaps he thought it would be pleasant to die drunk. His considerate Wor-' ship at length sent the unfortunate "up."- for a month..

t,uke, r J.P- r lio defendant: know, oyster, shells are the mosf; objectionable things you can have m a Inspector Doyle..: - "They- talk your Worship.; they make reniarks to the neighborhood." .'■;'.-".: . V'■ * •' ' •"' {During the past hundred years seven instances have been recorded m the British Isles m which the bride' has married the best man m mistake. And it is to be . trusted that the sweet and blushing, seven brides got the best men m various senses..

"Taihoa •! " exclaimed the Magistrate m the Court at ' Masterton recently, when a Chinese witness' • was reeling oft -'evidence" at the rate of knots m- broken English. , "John" looked bewildered for a moment at a word he ' had evidently not heard before, but the brief respite gave Mr James time to interpret the expressive Maori injunction into English, the witness thereafter obeying.

Hol-p- Joe Hamilton, who was harpooned down at Ashburton for kissing another man's wife, seems to have been, biffed out altogether, as recently . one Evangelist Manifold of Pahiatua was presented with a purse of quids on the occasion of his departure <to take charge of the Church of Christ at Ashburton. Hamilton nbw seems to be out of the- running, and it is to he trusted that his successor's virtues will be as his name implies.

The smoking section of tlie community must now .. beware lest, they be caught transgressing railway bylaws. Circulars have -been issued to the various statdonmasters and other ornam&nts of railway authority throughout the colony that must abide by the laws of the department, m so far as the toleration of smoking: on the station platform is concerned: ' In some parts this .rule is id gi-dly. enforced, , but m, others, notably Dunedin, it has been more or less disregarded, and it is for residents of such districts that "Truth" echoes the warning.

A lady resident of Hokitika has Received a ; letter ■"** bm a priest ; resident m the North island, stating that a sum of oonscien.ee money is to ba forwarded to her husband, who has now been deceased for some, years. The conscience money was returned m connection with a, transaction at Charlestoh, and (says the Hokitika Gnardian), it is some thirty-eight tp forty years ago since the recipient's hus^tard. was engaged m business m .that 'district, so that the troubled one has been a long time m giving way to the qualms of an uneasy conscience. Probably the troubled one is a lawyer.:

Speaking to the school . cadets at the Empire Day celebrations m Dunedin, Lieutenant-Colonel Smith deplored tha indifference with : which volunteering is regarded by the young men of the colony. He suggested as a remedy, which , would do away with the necessity for compulsory service that girls . and women should refuse to recognise any boy who did notj prepare. himself to defend the country. If our damsels were to '-'take the noble colonel's advice they must needs become a very continent crowd, for- it would be a long time, before the lazy youths, realised what they, had missed, and reformed.

It is notified that D. Brown met with a nasty acoident mv the Englewood dairy faotory. We would like to get a photograph of the accident that isn't "nasty" or ''painful," or "unpleasant." Perhaps if. a person fell into a beer vat, the _ accident might be classed as ''nice"— to the victim— 'but the consumers would have no doubt about the painfulness of the circumstanoe, did they know it. The thing that is described by tjhe daily press as "what might have proved a serious accident" might be quietly _ dropped out . of the list of stock phrases m deference toi the feel-j ings of readers. It reminds one of "the presents were numerous and costly," "don the jersey," "inclemency of the weather," and other- old friends of the paragraphist which have grown hoary with age right down the centuries.

The police are often accused of hounding down gaol-birds vho are unable to obitadn employment, but plenty of gaol-birds ''travel" on the statement that the police won't let 'em alone. Michael Knight recently served three months for . theft by "ringing the changes," , and he attempted the same game a few days ago, when the police interposed with the good old charge, "idle and disorderly." Knight pleaded to the JiP.; Bench that he had kept straight for ten years. He had even sought work, and found it m the country, where he was trusted with hundreds of pounds by a confiding employer. ''Unfortunately, my weakness is drink," said the prisoner, with emotion. "I 'came into town with a few pounds, spent it, and then,, was arrested." He implored the Bench not to be too hard. He was willing to work. The Bench adjusted its spectaoles, and gave Knight work for a month at the Government Retread

Tlie tale, gpps that George Slle||^ enson, of theatrical and for^^U f«pe is to be manager bf the- ptofessioow al, .football team,, should Vthat English trip come to a head;

Happy kids'! At Wairoa (Hawke* Bay) en Empire Day, the school children, who are having their holidays^ ■had to assemble to- salute the flag^ What a lot of ' toad-eaters New Zealand is trying to raise.

Some 'New Plymouth people traY? elling on a Nippon- Yushen Kaisha steamer to Japan sent a dinner meou to friends. Most of the dishes were Japanese br French ; but one was "Boiled New Zealand cod."

The Waipukurau "Press"' has opened a subscription for the relief of the' famine-stricken m phina. There are . plenty *of cases of genuine poverty m any of the four bie: cities of New Zealand xo absorb 'the superfluous cash that, happens to be lying iaf r j(but' Waipukurau. When , will these would-be fhilanthronic fools learn that, charity begans at heme?

An over-worked Magistrate ■= is-, liable .".-to lose his meals if he is not careful. It was bordering . on six o'clock on Monday ni^ht. When Magistrate McArthur remarked that he was hot going to hear sixty defended cases without" reolenishing the inner man. '-When I arrive .late,' 1 complained his ; humorous . Worship, "I've got to take ' what the I othor fellows won't have." Wise , Wilford extended the hospitality of lir, tablo to the Bench, but the ' Bench, wi.h aims at impartiality m its> decisions, wasn't taking any.

The top of King's Chambers- J$ a* unusual place for a doss, • hut -it served on Monday ..rught...f9r..a. respectably dressed young man n»mes Jarces Wilson, - v.h? .. was charge* next day with being a rogue andt a vagabond. Wilson apnears to hsf« ascended to the top landing whsii drunk, or partially sober, or semidrunk, oir. cunning drunk, or partially drunk,; and was -there arretted. He mjqntioned something ai^^i "mother,"- - -anl- a*§ther-i^ ch t _xi__st. ' but Magistrate McArthur said bo-wits, tired of giving Wilson a chat.cc 9JI Mater's account. Wilson:, said hs would try and break away from si*, but His Worship retorted ' f hat prisoner would not have an opportunity for some time- "Six months m gaol." Wilson looked surprised, and. shocked. ....

At Petone the casual citizen writes to the IGCaI press on subjects like '•Political Economy,'! "The Inexorable Law of Supply and Demand,". "Socialism m our Time^'' "The origin of the idea of God," etc., and a recent copy of the respectable luminary mentioned contains an op-^ en letter to the clergy by "Arixiousi Reformer." He mentions : "You oft; ten' hear it asked, why don't mea' go to Church or Chapel ? . For mv< age- 1 think I was as constant aii attender at one time *as a good many, but I saw so much deceit, fraud} and. hypocrisy with those who were , looked unon as leaders that my. nature could not N sfcand it v ' and I am consequently one of the dtiveriouts.' "It is not astonishing that the Petone parsons are driven to instituting a "Sunday evening forward movement," and at one oE these "Socialism" is to be discussed." The. parson business is getting precarious.

Emily Baker, a voluptious female, clad m shining black, and - surmounted by a^ dazzling purple hat, admitted at the Wellington . Police Court on Tuesday, that she was disorderly, but firmly rejected "the imputation, ef ; drunkenness. Appears that Emily was discovered m Sage's Lane, off. Tory Street, heaping lurid reproaches on the house of one Smith. Looking round unsuccessfully for a suitable projectile she removed one of her shoes, and hurled it, with many imprecations, through a window. The representative of the, great Smith family remained under cover ' until the arrest of his voluable visitor, and subsequently emerged unscathed. Emily explained that she went down the lane to get a coat from a/ friend, when the brutal- person Smith, who was intoxicated, aocosted her, and commenced pulling her about. Being ar virtuous person, Emily resisted. She used to live' with Smith, she explained, hut now Smith's name was mud, and she struggled, with the energy of outraged modesty, to free herself from the villainous grasp, of her late admirer. In the wrestle hen shoe ' came, off. Smith seized it up triumphantly, and bearing it aloft entered the house, saying if she wanted the trilby cover she would have to come m for it. The success of this strategy naturally outraged Emily, who admitted that she was excited and m the streSs---of her pierturbation had broken a window. The lady produce* a can*ric handkerchief, and sobbed m ' the ' dock. All . hearts were touched with the exception of the Magistrate's experienced- organ, and Emily retired with a sentence of £6, or a month, beating on her dazed carsj