THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 100, 18 May 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted Jjc^vo the Critic's rage ? Ornoteuriinovedhiamention Inttie Critic's page? Parade his error m the public, eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? 'A lover of 'old '• ''•books— the moth. • • • . Thinking- is a very severe exercise for some people. • « • Who wouldn't. 1;e a sailor. The seamen of the Corinthic only get three bob a day:, • •■■ • Whit nonsense it, is to say it is unhealthy to sleep on . feathers— look' at the- spring ...chicken; >nd : see how tough he is V • '. ' • ,■■ - • '. ■ « •"Indecision about spending n.pncy," says Mark Twain, "'is ';vortiiv- of cultivation.. When I .couldn't decide what to buy with my last n; oi) el I kept it and so became rich. l'- • ■V ■ * .■■ •' * v . The visit of the Prince and Prinoess of Wales -to India cost Gre&t Britain approximately £56/583 on the navy account, m addition to the special vote of £20,000. Poor old .British taxpayer ! : • • ■ * . . ' • ■•■'.■' Far using- indecent language m 'a \ raihy^y. caj;ri»se ift the presence of <$mx wystimti,. e&en. T^ijx^ 'p?iprteQfce.d J £10 and posts at Palmerstcin Nbith on. Tuesday. Tfoat ? s the way to set-,: tie the foul-mouthed brute. '• < /!, • ■.'■•' '. * ' ' . 'A Taranalci sportsman went shooting on the opening day of the sea- ! son, and returned with an empty bag, only to discove? that during his absence a cock pheasant had visited his place and dined with the fowls ! « ■. , * ■' • v • ■ 1 .Another Carnegie cadge is being engineered. in l^.Z. This time it is from the settlers at Te Horo, who have decided to write to Mr Carnegie and ask him what assistance he will give towards a library. There is a curse attached to such Wood-stained boodle. . . • - • ■■• ■ » . • .- .' • Teachers for country schools are at a high 'premium: m Canterbury. Some lonesome berths can't be filled at all. Civilisation is appreciated most keenly by the educated mind. Also, women teachers want to be near their men pals, and the men don't want to be divided by a waste of country' from their bit of skirt. ** - • It is stated by the South African press that the Johannesburg ' racecourse has been sold for a v million sterling, to a gold-seeking syndicate, owing to the precious metal having leen discovered on the well-known convincing; ground, where probably, more than a million of money has been "dropped 1 ' on horseflesh during the past twenty • * * Inspector Donal'^on, of the Health Department, made a gruesome discovery m King-streei/, DunedJn, re-, cently. An elderly couple have lived there for some years, and the man died suddenly from heart failure onMonday. His body fully dressed was found lying on a sofa greatly decomposed, whilst the" widow who has kept vigil over it since death was half demented. : • * * There are hundreds of- pounds lying about every town m N.Z. waiting: to be picked up \says a country paper)- It is reported that Wellington Chinamen go' to the Wairarapa on Saturday, collect mushrooms on Sunday, and retail them m Wellington at 6d per it. Why shouldn't they, if the. idiotic damphool white person prefers to pay the Chow 6d per 1b for what he could pickup for himself for nothing ! ft * ■'••«" * >■'.•'• ■ ■ ' ' Oysters are very cheap at Invercargill—the Stewart Island .variety— [so t-lie oyster supper given by the local freemasons .to Brother Bill Plivnket and the rest of the visitors with lons alphabetical tails to their names couldn't have cost much. Pro- j bably bread ..and scrape went with the succulent bivalves ; there is no mention of stout, but it was no doufot there just the same, although Invercargill is under the ban of Prohibition. • . * ♦ ■ Many individuals against whom maintenance orders are made, and who are summoned for disobedience, make a point of paying the amount due into Court at the very last moment, just a s the Court is opening, m fact. This is to spite their wives, and the bounders think it something extra special m the wav of revenge. But it means a great nuisance to the Court officials ; an endless amount of work' and appali lin.a; entries. A bute called Alfred ! Ernest Albert Johnston, who has made a specialty of this kind of business, fell m at Christ-church the other day. Although he had paid m the four quid owing after the Court opened tl\e Bench fined him a quid and solicitor's fee, and said that every time he did a similar thing m future the fine would be increased, ,

TJie, shepherds crook does not make the^crbojced sheep, v.; ; ■ ,' ■ " ■ '' ■„..'■..-•.'.■'.;■•' .; :..•/!*. "..'■"'■ 'i\ ■•■■■• ■• When some men' seiid a half-crown ( to heaven they want to revive the earth for a rebate. c • « •The way some lawyers -argue m the* Supreme .Court \ often make a -jury wish it were dead^ *-'••■.•.• Socialism, m its commonest maiii- ] festations, is the '. protest of the man who didn't against tfye man who did. v -.-■»■■ -■ * !A! couple, of girls were heard swearing m the Japanese language ths. other afternoon. . What did they ■pay their tutor? ;., • . „'• . * * ■'.' - « The- previously incompetent person seems to hang on to ! his biUet better than. the ; smart, capable individual. But then he's ..cheaper. In the l.ong run, though, he's dearer. Business firms allow something for depreciation of plant, but the burglar doesn't although his tools depreciate quickly r,nd considerably, when- he fails to open a safe, and when he doesn't. , . • '.-. ■ • • • . '. • '.'Greatness cannot be achieved m "a single day." said, the lecturer. The man with the '.'mornins; >fter feeling" nvuttefe-i,l as he .raised his ■] faand ,.\to his feqa'4: '-But it can be aptoi^y^d m; a sji^Kie nii^t.;?' ■■ .*■ ■•,;■*•■;,•■;•,. .r ■■.:■:■' ? . ' Lyttelton's only fOcftball ground is located alongside the sea, and when i the leather is kicked out of bounds it usually finds its way into <"he Water, and ■ if a patrol boat hasn't; been arranged 'for someone has to strip and swim out for the call,. •■ Cheerful place Lyttelt o n r . • ) Despite the cold weather, numerous 1 peqple sl^ep out m ChiistchurchTh^y have to. Thiee men were .disco rered asleep,; m I-lagley . Park the sohQol children, " a man was' fined wit^! leaves. The Park is full of fallen Autumn leaves just now, and, ! a good lied and cpuuterpane , can be gathered without much trouble. A medical witness m the Criminal Cour-t the other 'day said there were specialists m m&dicins as well as specialists m law, and instanced ■& Criminal J.udge and an Equity Judge, which made Hissonah Cooper laugh loud aimd teought tbe assertion from the Par that there were, no criminal judges at any rate m New Zealand. ■•- . • ■ Owing mainly to tihe firmness dis-. pJayad b'jy 'Colonel Porter, the trou'bta m Poverty Bay regarding Rua, the Maori Prophet, has been removed. Rua has been persuaded to leave the precinci'S of the European settlements ! awd, he has now estafalisted himself • m the Urewei?a Cou'nti-y, where he intends, so Jie says, ■■ to found 'a "New Jerusalem.*' Bow gentle some Wellington policemen are, to be sure. Giving evidence the other day .before : Dr. McArthur, Constable Allen said that be supported a man-o'^warsman Irom falling. Onlookers said, liowever, that the support consisted m Allen b-umping Jack Tar rigiht ouil on to the middle, of .the- roatd. .As a charige of resisting followed, and as the evidence was inconclusive, the S:M. [.dismissed the case. All the same, though.,. Gentle Allen will -be more careful m the future when he "supports" anybody,, and if he is not he should be m<a>de to be; -. .■■«.' » , • A brigbt specimen of the modern toobfoy is- one Consta-bl'e Irwin, of Wellington. Hte was 'quite innocent of looking an ass the other 'day, when he told Mr Wilford that he would run m anybody on a char-go of inciting to ■resist arrest who daixjd to say "isn't it disgust iiig" when a brutal boliby was maltreaiting a iu-isoner. It would be interestdng, of course, if ever Irwiox did run anyone ,m on that charge, but the, chances are he would not do it a second 'time. He would never get over the first shock. Irwin, anyhow, is young, and perhaps foolish, aiiid has plenty'" of time uhead, even if he is a bo>bby. •> « « The unspeakable hog who bikes on the footpath ancj knocks people down, and. then clears off like a shot, has been making himself much more, of v a dani nuisance than ever down Christchurch way. A woman at Opawa was rendered unconscious through being; run over the other day. She had iust placed her child on the footpath.; had she had it m her arms Hie infant might have been kilted as she fell forward on her face- The victim eventually managed to r.each the house of a relative and pot attended to.' Of course 'the ruffian responsible for the deed smoked, off without rendering any assistanceOn Sunday last another hog ran joy.cr a 1:oy ,m Springri&ld Road, and ,he did a pretty, quick get also witli!out waitin'R know what , damage he had done. Peopia i>f ..Ijjjas Sol't are a curse, and it. is a, 'pity that they aren't collaretl now and again and a;iven a soujad, tbrashing. It would teach themTtC; be a bit more , care-i ml m fiiture-j ' "

.The mope ibaste- -the less feeds,,,... .. j - •'•■ ii~'-r ■ V: -> v :«**'rf*-~*^v* > '. ; ''"" r ' ■"■•',''' j : - '/ ,-N : ■■■.: -.■•■ ■■ ' '.-. •. \'■ ' : The common, • juryman isn't always ; t the fool that he. looks, ; ' ' ■»» . « There will he a few interesting divorce cases at Christchuroh Supreme < Court this session. ; The glaring way m which women "make up" sivgp-ests the employment of: a house pointer at contract rates, Wigs are worn by lawyers to hide their honis.iaivd jejawms to , cover up - ; their tails, rience lawyers are called "The Devil's Brigade.."- ' ' ; The towm loafer is r a perfect -.fund ; of information about street accidents I He ca-n almost predict* where the next one is igoing tp happen. '1 ' "-V " ■ • : •■ : •Accord-ing to 'talk atooivt town, the ' Pagefc nuirder trial, which commences at the Crdmin..al Court next Monday, is jgoi-rtg to leave the Thaw; case a relic of the past m so far- as the defence is concerned., ■'. '.'..,.: In the S.M.s Court the other day counsel made what is called a bull by asking a female witness if she was the husband of t<he last (male) witness. She replied that she was, and though everyfaoil.y laughed she looked what she said she was all the same. It is intended- tp erect a monument at .N§w I*lymfiuth to t<h« memgry of the ImiperJaV axid colonial troops that fell m action during; the 3sftor* wars ; ifeWO has bopn cpllectod, several substantial donations beittjr? received from officers m Ensland. • • - " A . Christchurch advertisement :— ' '^WANTED to meet with a person of experience to clear out rats from warehouse. "Box 893, Post OlSee, Christohuroli." And nearly every warehouse m the' city .Us similarly infected. The people's troubles about plapiie. Ellesmere Farmers' Union thinks that the leader of the Opposition shoukl p,et a cool thousand a year by way' of screw. They are veryfree w-ith other people's money ; if the presen-t Gowrament were m Opposition such a proposal would be laughed and scoffed at by these farmers. « * * Following the example of the suffragists the barmaids m Britain have taken to the platform, to protest against the interference of the/ present righteous Government. What is up with N. 2. bur belles doing likewise. Guess one or two m Well-. Jngton could make vigorous protests, Hebe could always be depended on ■to tell some nice tales out of school. * ' * ■ * They are talking about forming a Business lean's League m Christchurch, wd'th the object of advertising the city and district, and.placing their manifold attractions before i-he great, cold world. We never, dreamt t-ha/t 'Christchurchians were so energetic ; the place could foe improved out of sight,, and many schemes, wh.'c-h would " materially benefit the place are looked at'frigidly,, ond placed m "the .cool storage room for things not wanted. * * • The New Brighton Borough Council has ref used the Christchuroh Cycling and Motor Club permission to hold motor races on the New Brighton beach. ' The opinion is • expressed that the. holding of these useless ' scorohdng races' is dangerous to the public. Also that the Clu-b showed bad taste m applying for a permit so soon after the fatal accident by which a boy was killed by a motorist. These gentry have already taken charge of the. roads, and the Council doesn't feel inclined to give them charge of the beach. ♦ » • Many of the old girls who spend a 'dreary existence m the Ohristchur.ch Samaritan Home stroll put of that institution now and a-gain to go for a royal bender. Woirven^ inmates who haven't been sent there by order of a Magistrate .may walk': off whenever they like, Ij.ut .they mustn't try the game on too often, and return the worse, -for swipes and ; causa discord, because the authorities won-'t stand too much hanky panky, and may refuse re-admission. These women., old and young, always manage to pick up money immediately they came out. It is easily giuessed how and where they obtain it, and they g#t paralytic drunk.' Then they invariably fall into tlve hands of -the traps. One hov-'lini; ' -ben-der doesn't always satisfy 'the old-time grog-bender ; she wants a couple more distinct and separate drunks before she is sick of the cursedi stuff, and manifests a desire to co back to the Home, if brought before a beat. Yon> can't get much of a bend out of a carrot and you can't alter the nature of these experienced molls, who fonow exactly when their ''good time" comes to an end, a.nd they then seek that seclusion which keeps them out of the na.th of temptation,

„,^The..-..wa<g^.of»fsm-'jire;."-alwa7-s-paM: ■ r ■■.'■ ■■•'• 0-\ : r\ : • ■" ''■ : ' ■; ». ■ • The artless girl is ,the one .who knows the most. » • • The night hand of covetousness leads many,. an easily tempted person to the jug. .... / . ' '. "..• " ' ♦. ' ':<■»,■ If. the Government should ever impose' a tax on bachelors, it may compel, the .bachelor to economise by limiting the size of his family. ■',■■■■'••-■...■ • . . . • The marital maelstrom of theiM-e---whinneys came to a conclusion at S.M.'s. Court on Monday la&t, when Dr.; McArtmfr dismissed the information. Now line pair are at liberty to . go -on as : they have ' m the past. ■ • . * ' ••- •• ■.- • Christthurch /-Socialists -are again kicking up a shindy because the sil-ly,'srafoMt-braiaed, Canterbury ' College coves won't allow Socialistic papers m lihe public library, and that library contains the most awful- coU'Dctidn of newspaper rubbish imaginable. ■» • o A remarkable operation, has been performed at Lansing, . Michigan.'. s A bone m the leg of a lad named Buck ; having decayed, it was replaced by the ft one of a dog with complete sucoess. Now, if ever Buck fti^ts up in'-tiio middle of,. the nirgjht and levins to bark that bone can be blamed. ' , One C-hristchuroh insurance acjent j imftiXMhiees religion into; ♦his. cha-ts | wihen he calls -at houses. He is very e;lib about . heaven and bell, and the housewife is led to believe that fe is a , very good man indeed. The. -other day this joker called at the house of a polioemaai, acud got on to the reli-. gious -racket as usual. He was parj ticulariy earnest and impressive, bait h0..-:didn''i) coavdnoe the p-oldccan'an's' son -worth. a cent. After the. cove's ! departure ho sai(d to his. mo-tier, ..._."! wouldn't trust that fellow alongside |a, pint off beer, ' ' and .that same Idcy jthte' holy agent was run m for being drunk. 1 .. ' • ' * * • ' 1 The Law defines the classic game of "two up." as a gamble punishable fay a magistrate, but that does' not stop men from indulging m the pastime and losi»s their hard-earned eonce. . There are a few "schools" m Christcmirch, and a good deal of money changes hands occasionally. "Heading 'era" as it is called,' is carried on m a certain licensed bi'liard saloon, and the patrons nClud'e some pretty hot individuals who are known to copperdom. It isn't a I very' easy place to raid, but an atj temipt may be made one of these fine nights when we shall see what we will observe. 1 • • • The,: Grand Jury returned "no bill' ■[ m, the pase of younp; W. M. B. Moorehouse, charged with manslaughter at New Brighton ("Ohristchurch) . He had run over a boy with his j motor, "-and filled him. A number of the jury were, for returning a "true bill," but owing to want of unanimity the other was filed. Moctrehouse has . compensated the parents of the child, giving "them £250/ These mad motorists get it all their own way at Christchurch, and the loss of an odd life now and . again through their unspeakable recklessness seems : to be neither here or there. These bounders will have to be taken down a peg somehow or other. ■ < •> • • A sneak thief struck an unpleasant . treble at Reeftdn. He was m the bar of DunPhy's hotel, and coveted' the contents of 'the till. As nobody else was present he copped something under a couple of notes, and ,the tnext thing he -knew was Dumphy's big fist grabbed him by the neck. A peeler grabbed 'him some, more, and he said, "I fell into the fat." He was .promptly assured that he had. The boozy geezer:, whose, monniker was Richard Boland, got a month for Ms freak, and three days for smashing a police bucket. Just here it was discovered that he owed the Court. -a fine inflicted some , time back, ..and he was £rive n > an extra fourteen days, all sentences cumVUative. * • • A youna; fellow was given three,' months' ch'okey at Christchurch late- J ly, and the S.M. ordered him to be kept separate from the other varlets who prey o n society. As it was , also stipulated that he needn't do hard labor the sentence seemed a very light and- -merciful one, but the' very opposite is the case, and if it doesn't ' break the hopeful of has taste for vice bathing will. Not being allowed to work is a great deprivation m the first place. A roan wants to do something to keep his mind employed m gaol. Then his diet isn't the same -as that ladled out to the hard labor- asms:. Further, he has to spend twemrty hours out of the twenty-four m Ivis cell to pov.der over bis misdeeds, and when a "person has only his thoughts for a companion he is apt to eet morIbud and dotty, mostly dotty. So a sentence of this character is anyI thing but the sweet thing it looks lon paper. , . '