THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 94, 6 April 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note.uninovedhismontio'nin the Critic's page? • Parade hie error m the public eye ? I A.nd Mother Grundy's rage defy ? Openings for dentists : Mouths.- ! • . • ■* *.' * Land agitation :' An earthquake. • *■■■'». Matrimonial history begins where a romantic courtship ends. • •■' • The trouble is so many of us, have winning . ways and no money to bet. . '• •. ■' «. Many put zero into the collection, and then complain that the church is cold. • • .. ■ • There is room at the ton, hut there are shade and 'rest at the bottom. < • « - « A hat covered with birds does not sing, but it makes a ' man whistle when the bill comes m. •• . « The best way to avoid a fight With -the other fellow is: to -hold him m silent contempt. . • . . . ■• •'■■ "How do you plead ?•" asked .the clerk of a drunk. . "Anksiglostcaniasis !"' came the unexpected reply. • • * One man always admires another who says the right thing m the right place— especially, when he's thirsty. • • . « • 9 The worst thing about dismal people who are gloomy at the prospect pf gom*. to Heaven is that they don't go. '* * * < The office next door to that of the Canterbury Jocke^ Club is occupied by the Official Receiver. This . is catering -for patrons with a vengeance. , - » * « The most absent-minded man m the world has been found. He went to his telephone the other day m one of his abstracted moments and ,raog himself un. •« • - One Christohurch quack medicine firm undertakes, per medium of a large painted advt. outside its promises,, to cure any disease "without asking -questions . " Possibly the police will be found doing the questioning; m the near future. . • * • Now that the cold . in the nose season ,is approaching the following remedy may prove efficacious. One gallon of whisky and 1 grain of quinine. Mix well before taking, and if no improvement is noticed m one week, either increase the whisky, or reduce the quinine. • j. « Some of those Christohurch tram conductors are, by their boorish conduct, looking for. trouble. They'll bump right " up against it one. of these days, and it will take the formof mutton chop fists weilded so deftly as to give the impression that William Squires, is the offended traveller. ... . j Some of the woeful wowsers m Christchurch howled m dismal chorus ' because a cycling carnival was held ! at Lancaster Park on Good Friday, i And Providence, heedless of the lamentations of these killjoys, allowed the weather, which had been unpropitious all the morning, to turn out gloriously 'fine later, contributing thereby largely to the big gate. Had it rained the wowsers would have said it was an expression of Divine displeasure. As it turned out. they said nothing, which was wise. • ■.- • * When a fire occurs m Christchurch during the day time the horses which have been droning through the fiat thoroughfares dragging the water cart are whipped into a gallop and steered towards the fire-station m mad haste. There they are linked to the fire-engine and propelled to the blaze. The cronk councillors of the Cathedral- City won't alter this slovenly method of dealing wth the fire fiend until some of their own property is destroyed, or a conflagration wipes out halt the city. As for the present water pressure, ■■-, *

'A woman can say more m a sigU than a:__man can m .a sermon, ,^ -•■ •"» ' ■ _.' •■_ '•'»..... The ground is always there whea you step ofl a tramcar too soon. • • •■ You cannot get up an orchestra composed of people who blow them own horns. # • * A nun. unlike the rest of femininity observes the same fashion m dress all the year round. * • a People who are '- told to "look out for the engine" .by railway authorities are noW-a-days warned to lookout for the motor hog. • • • According to the skipper of a boat now at Lyttelton, oranges can be had at the Auckland Islands at Is 9d per case. How Maoriland fruit biters would like to be there ! • . ■ • . • Invercargiil prison labor is being utilised for market gardening. Among the season's crop were a ton and a quarter of green peas, and the cruellest part is the gardeners won't get any. *- * * At the teachers' recent conference, one of the school principals rose to propose the toast. "Long . live the teachers !" "On what?"' enquired a meagre, pallid, young assistant, m a hollow voice. ■•' * • Auckland is a no-ahead city. Owing to the scarcity of Mary Janes, steps are being taken to import her from Australia. But as Horsetralia is m the same difficulty re pot jugglers, Auckland's latest joke is cruel. Still the he-maids that are being employed m Sydney and Melbourne might like the trip over. A Universalist clergyman m Anderson, Indiana, has begun a suit for divorce, ' v alleging that his wife ! ia worse than a savage— that she would irritate, a saint. He states that she 'deliberately marked passages ih his Bible to confuse- Mm when .m- the pulpit, and that it was her custom to make faces at him While he wa9 preaching. »» - » •A sky-pilot named Mann, of the Methodist belief, was the victim of a cruel joke the other Sabbath evening at Geraldine. He was preaching against Sabbath desecration when some wretched unbeliever outside heaved a young; feline through the window. Probably the hand ot Rome can he traced; anyhow, the Mann man said nothing, and tried to look as if he had not noticed it. It was damned hard on the cat though; * * * There was a pathetic little advt^ m the wanted column Of a ChristcbuTOh paper t'other day. A bride-to-be wanted to borrow a bridal veil and wreath, and no doubt she was accommodated. The damsel wanted to make some sort of a show at her wedding,,, m order that the other cats couldn't scoff at the plainness of her turn out, and she didn't have the gonce to buy the wedding requirements. So she turned- to thei newspapers for relief. * * * . The Christcihurch Childrens' Aid Society, which has been running a Home | for a couple of years, has sold it's sticks and gone out of the business. Tlie Home had become practically an institution for . illegitimate urchins, a dumping ground for . the progeny of illicit lovers, and the goody-goody crowd who ran it began to get too shocked .for words. Also, cash wasn't too plentiful, the Society's collector used to be met with a cold, steely glare by the public, so the committee decided to shut shop and hand the illegitimates over to the State. p . • •_ • • • One old, dirty-looking, second-hand shop m Christchurch has been doing a very large business latterly. Women are the main customers, and they "both buy and sell. The sellers send some tolerably good articles along, and pin money for Zibishun purposes is evidently the cause. But some of the best women of the town, whether* from economical reasons, or the crazo for "bargains." visit this old shanty, and make cheap purchases. It is an ill-liighted den, and the occasional' spectacle of ladies taking thingummies m the way of undergarments to the door the better to examine them is a sight worth photographing any fine afternoon. * * * There is a chap named Thomas Wales at Lyttelton who doesn'U think extra much of the killing power of some of the shells fired by tb* artillery. . He picked up one on a hill the other day that had been fired from Ripa island and let it drop at his feet, having no further interest itt it. It was a six pounder, and when it went off with a bang, Wales jumped pretty high skywards. But it did not send him' to kingdom come ; it} merely inflicted a wound on the thigh, nothing more. Wales' luck, was decidedly m. It was a fool of a shell, anyway, and • should have exploded when it was fired from a Norden* feldt. and not wait to give a man % start like that.

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