THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 90, 9 March 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade, his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rase defy?

Wine. Women and— Woe

Men shouldn't take insults lying down.

Carterton has a bun manufacturer named Feast. Appropriate. ':■ -.'.•■ • •

Many cyclists run into a person first and ring their bell afterwards.

Many a well-to«do man m our midst got his first start m life from his employer's till.

The Moisture Department is still showing a derelection of duty down south. Rain can't be bought like tripe or bees\t<ax. . * ■* *

A local Knight of the Theodolite, recently received a letter, the address on the envelope describing him as being a Sir Veyor.

"It takes some time to get over a bad drunk," remarked one friend to another, yesterday. "Yes, you're like rue. I got ''drunk over 20 years ago and I haven't got over it yet."

There are many srnellful places m Chrift-tchurch that should' be officially investigated. Either more Inspectors are wanted, or the prfcent .crowd don't do their jeoty^

Whisky and haurwash are Doth good m their w.ay^-5* * • ~*« — — - %/" "-• #> ,> t Why do people get drunk ?— Well, very few do it intentionally. Wonderful how- so many people get along witho'iit common sense, • » • '»••■■- ■■# The law against adultery is better enforced . than the. law against adulteration. : . . . . .'.• '•.•■' . ''• ,'■ :- ,*.'<"■' ■"' r ■ ' .- . If they didn't have religion to fall back- upon some people . would have absolutely ■ no recreation.. Maori girls might solve the domestic ."servant problem, but there aren't enough of them to go round. , ;■ '_..»..'. ..;.;•.■-.>:>: ■■ Everybody m this colony seems to picnic now , and again .: When- do the Ohinkies burst, into joyousness ? The seeniingly ! artless , kittenish .woman may attract' attention, but it isn't always of the-, most desirable kind, .. . i . :. . - -. If .certain Citizens are unable to do anything very Well they can at least dodge bills m the most approvedscientific manner; ■ ■ ' *■'■• ■■ .."'*■ It : would be interesting to know how many "canaries'- (Oh ow ' stowaways) are 'landed.' in. the diminutive wayside ports of this colony. If* , age made a thing, respectable ; and a thing! to- be, ; , Respected, the. amours of "professional 1 . 1 women would be the most, honorable calling on the earth, besides -being" the'oldest.-..' . .' „ ; •.-.. ••■ • " ..•• ■•",'• - •'* The; person who is lj^bituklly m a, depressed statfe ■ ,of rnittd, ; and who would MM; v sour ,";csih :?arely ; eet anyone 'to r tistenAto '^Kirn, ' a'iid his i only resort is to Write to .<. the papers. , ' .: ■'- ...» •• • • ..-•'■ What has come over the red-heads? An. abnormal number of auburn thatched blokes have been figuring m the no-class list. at the Christcliurch Police Court lately, and m nearly every instance .they have been boobed.. y . • ; , _ •/ • The humors of grog. A well-known ChristchUrch carpenter,, who got on a jag, and who essayed' to ride home oil his bifce,' was found early h«xt morning asleep .» on the machine^ | which was stationed up against a fence. ...'"'. * •' '*•■ ' ' • ■ ■ '"':■■' ■Passengers by an. afternoon car to Papamii; on the Christchurch line were edified; the other ; afternoon by a ] swagger looking r girl .smoking a cig[arette m the most manner. The lady is said.to. be a recent arrival. rand^ to have 'known some- ! thing of life m Wellington. What's going to . become of the Zdbis'hun buildinig the curtains are ... finally, pulled , off the windows to be. washed ? •; New. Brighton is thinkr ing of asking .for. a. slice of it for a Towji Hall. Not a bad idea. Other towhs'hips may want a slice alsp, N and it fcpuld be distributed^ all round the country— cut 'up like a pound of chops, so to speak. ; That humorless paper, "Christchurch Press," remarked, t'pther day that it was a compliment to Christohurch ■; ; that ' the latest Auckland tramcars were ' being painted after the same* style as the. local Tram--way Board's. A compliment ' is it ? As well say that the -woman, who paints her face pays a compliment to the woman she saw painted m .the street the day before. «... • ; „ • The decision of Christchurchians to allow a Joan .of, £5,000. t0 be procured for -the construction of tepid baths is a distinctly fo.rwardi stepi It now remains- for the Council to get a hasty move on and get the thing jigging. If 1 they don't do so at once <they are apt to fall asleep and forgot all about it. Christcliurch - people who ba^s, cold water should be cleaner m: the 4 - near henceforth, and every. dirt y- old wak that appears before court should be severely punished by being ordered to take a bath. . ■ . • . ••■■ .. « Many readers will remember that "great" song, sung to the tune of "Dixie," "I wish there were bobWes" ;• and m which a sneak thief is supposed to sing : "Met a kid m a pramberlator Hanging on to a big, fat tater In it's duke, m it's mudhook, m it's grabber. Kissed ' the gal and collared the tater, In me duke, etc."- • : Well that prig has^grown' up and is now m Chrictchurchj where he was caught chewing an old workman's lunch, at the 'Zibishun, the other day. j These meanest- of thefts had been going on for 'quite a : while, so watch i was kept and a carrotty cadger 'caught red-headed;.

L..Selfict - company— sonteone else's wife. •,m ':. ... ■;,.,:• :_•,.... ■-■ :- ; -- 1 --

Marriage, after all, is not an uneven game. It is a tie.

The modern tea-room Johnnie is about as insipid as the tea he drinks.

It has never been, the fashion f or men's . clothes, to button doWn the back. .■.'■-,-. : ■ ■'•'-. ' ■'.■•" . . •.;.

Men and Women are more often wedded as a matter- -of form than reform, ' " ' --'.

By taking . all the blame, . a man often gets less than he otherwise would.. /

Many money-grubbers lose their health 'chasing fortune, arid then lo^e their., money trying to purchase health. ■'

The woman who does not attend to her husband's shirt front cannot surely be said to be the wife of his bosom.

According to our Sydney t lady's letter, elsewhere, New Zealand has exported a prize crank to Sydney, m the person of one Edward Power. "The Bosses wife Madam Sharkey" had better see into this.

\ Cooks' and Waiters' ;Union shbuld get m and publish a ' list of the Wellington hotels where Chow cooks are kept. Then-' the workers— not the Chow-tobacco loafers, ..but the real workers— would know where not to buy their beer.

Dr. McArthur, . S.M. , the other day, postponed the Rearing of. one case. yntil<»he had dealt vikth a lot of "rubbish;" As that rubbish cotnprised -the^ life tragedies^ of ;• ; some people,* the doctor's pose as a garbagedestructor floes hot appear very edifying. . v ■, ■ ■■■ ■■■.. ■ ."•.,.

Fair visitor to Zibishim to policeman : "Can you direct me, please, to the W..C.T.U. ?" Policeman :

"This way, madam." F.V. is shown into the ladies' retiring room and attendant promptly demands the usual penny fee. F.V., looking round and very indignant, "This isn't the place at all. What a fool that constable must be !" Marches away m high dudgeon. v

The Chows m N.Z U the big, fat lazy lecherous boss merchants, who are really a gigantic gambling hell trust, intend, m the event of convictions m forthcoming gambling proseOut jons, to carry their appeal through every court m the' colony to see whether pak-ah-pu is a gamble. Must be tons of money m that corporation and the lawyers ' smile complacently over the prospect of a prolonged: fight. .. • • ■ • . ■ ■ • . v

"Waihi' Times'' calls its- Councillors "Municipal Microbes," and explains, for so doing, '-that it is* a plea for a scientific investigation into .the life-history of #ie bacteria which convert men sensible enough m their private capacity into idiots as soon* as they enter into a public body." But what a/bout" men who, unable to conduct their own business, are elected by' citizens to attend to theirs. , . ■

Every lover of his own dear land — aird also every pompous bletherer about "the deah old mothah country." which he impudently calls home, , with a big aitch— should read the Letter from London . m this issue arid learn a' lesson m true patriotism. The wi'itcr writes "Australia" , but the . subject is of just as great import to New Zealand,, and we've got just as many crawling traitors to our own flag ; scoundrels and sycophants who would sell the country they batten on, bodily, for a pinchbeck title.

Some lodging-house keepers have a" bit of bad luck with their servants. One such, on Thorndon Quay, had a girl for seven, weeks, during his wife's illness, whom he then discovered was doing 25s a week m butter alone, and tea, etc., m proportion. Likewise £30 worth of coupons vanished during her regime. She* also gave out that she was shortly to" be married, and. brought her young man to the house to board. He was there a fortnight and left without paying his bill. There are some queer birds m petticoats m Wellington boardinghouses. The next servant woman who applies at this establishment will have to produce very unquestionable testimonials.

The following paragraph from latest issue of Sydney "Truth," fits m amazingly well with our own remarks elsewhere on brutal sentences for similar offences, at police court : "To send 'persons, including women, to gaol lor six months for being habitual drunkards is a terrible inhumanity. It is not really for being dipsomaniacs that they are imprisoned, but for the awful" crime of being poor: "Flute can "booze" m his Barling Point mansion or his city, club till (the snakes apß.ear."

t It is useless for a man with red w.hiskers to propose to a girl m- ;a pink hat.

'Tis better to be born with an illicit diamond m your mouth than a silver spoon. „ * * • ■

Some of our Sherlock Hqlmeses are no better at spotting a winner than !spot'ting a sinner. , ':■■'■■''.' m . * , a

Never kiss the maid when you can kiss the mistress. This doesn't apply to the bobby on the beat. * .'■.••'■' « ' •

The 'average nan-nan should never criticise his father's pants. He may some day have to wear them.

There is many a good tune played ed orf an old fiddle—providing it has iiot. been m the orchestra too long.

'-, Let a woman think ybu think she will, and she won't ; let her think you think ahe^ won't, and she will.

. .A x motor-car may. have its faults, but it doesn't run away because a boy "lets off a cracker m the street.

Nothing pleases a girl more than the devoted^ attention of "the man who loves heir, except the devoted-at-tenticn of the man some other girl loves. .

"Glenbervie, Tom" is reported to be much m evidence again, and this time his carcase and his effluvium is accompanied by those of a noisily deceased lien which,- on several days of the week, lay ripening beside him.

Tricks of the trade. A ; Pfetone butcher, fined the other day for shortweight and defective scales, was sbbwn.to have kept a junk of fat under the scale plate. Everything weighed w. as nearly fquj;: ounces short* Ari ; .: oltl ;' triek ;v atift a cruelly ;'""nsean one. ... ' .

A physician states that when a man. is hungry, ; all he need do is to wrap a couple of old newspapers round his abdomen, "which will help to ' keep hunger m check." Like "taking a reef m one's belt. ' ' But fancy a cummerbund composed of the "Times" and "Post." Enough to cause gastritis, . •

Charley Davies, who shot, himself m the ririit temple m Moore 'Park near the Sydney Zoo, left a brave, yet pathetic message for the Coroner. There ■is not ia superfluous word m it:—'"Message for the Coroner ; my name is Charles Davies, native of Melbourne, cause of death, suicide. Reason, for doing; it,? chronic rheumatism."

He * was, lovelorn and desperate at her heartlessness. G-loom and dark ; despair obscured his horiz-on-,-and so quoth he, "I will drown •my sorrows -in the flowing bowl." "Let, it be m Dry Monopole," said she- ■ rhythmically, but he had fled precipitately ; it had dawned on. nim that heir- tastes were far, far too expensive.

■It was pitiful to see a dirty-look-ing, dJlapMated man of 63 m the dock, at Ghristchurch, t'other morning; on 'a ■ charge of having no ihean's of support, while his son occupies a good - position m one of the local newspaper offices. The old chap, who used to toil m the Government Printing Office, Was sent to . a Home for a quarter.

Extraordinary! A 1 Christchurch Beak, let a girl of 18 off, on a couple >of charges of theft m a place she toiled at, on her mother's promise • to "send the girl to Wellington. Verily' Wellington is m luck ! But hotel and boarding-house keepers had better be careful ere they engage 'what our Christchurch correspondent describes as "a nice, intelligent, pretty-faced girl, .aged only eighteen" who hails from Christchurch.

'A 1 ■' Chinese conspiracy of silence was engineered ' at the Police Court on Monday when not one alien m /. the city could be prevailed upon to act as interpreter. Whafior ? Is there such a- thing. as' the Death Hand or any other ' secret- society among the Chows .here, as' has. been so often, proved to exist m San Francisco ? These • heathenish gamblers arc capable of anything, as recent disclosures m Perth, W.A., also tend to prove.

Who wouldn't 1)? a waitress m a sixpenny hash foundry ? One giving evidence at the Water Police Court, Sydney, last week, stated -on oath that she worked 74 hours each week for .12s. Is it any wonder the vast army of the pave never lacks recruits, m spiie of all the case-hunt-inp- constables— and there are a few whose every case is some unfortunate, friendless ffirl, driven by desperation ■ to escape the abject slavery of miserly employers. Now, don't start to chuck chests, Mr Wellington Boss-hashman. Twelve bob a week m fcSvrin'.'v is quite as good as 17s M m Wellington, though; thanks to the new Union, and to that only., ■ the hours are shorter here*,