"THE MAN BEAUTIFUL."

NZ Truth, Issue 82, 12 January 1907, Page 8

" THE MAN BEAUTIFUL."

Is there a man left m all this ." world ? This wild searching question is forced out of us, by a perusal of the great, literairy lights of the world. . Man appears to have dropped off the stage. Before your seared eye-halls pass page after page of "The woman beautiful," with cuts of women m all sorts of positions, lying on their . backs, waving their limbs m the air, standing on one foot and pOiwtrag the other towards the crazy moon,;. , and cutting all sorts of gymnastics, havinr their eye brows pencilled,' putting all sorts of lotions on their faces, "and N doing ' .. ; ' ; ALL SORTS OF WEIRD STUNTS ■to bring out. their muscle, and reduce s - thejr fat, and put on fat where fat is N needed. Walling their eyes upwards, sticking, put their chins] and i)incKiii'ff dimples into their countenances. And ail sorts of recipes are given for the adornment v of tlfe* outside of 'a woman, and m all their perpetual panorama, man, is not mentioned. And we think, the oversight is a fearful mis--take. , The . first thing . you know we will have a world full of fine fat robust woman, all full of smiles and sweetness, and not a man m the whole pasture.. For tbeste health arid beauty doctors 'should know that we have a whole lot of runty men a- j round now, afflicted with all stots of microbes, and what we need is a right smart sprinkle of stalwart men, men of the solid, straight, handsome fkind^ full of vim and vigor, sand and snan. In the whole United States we iave only 'one real strenuous up-to-date all brain and all muscle man, and he has had to tack out and go Ito i&e mountains to rest and. put supple oil on his joints, for no man can do the work laid out for a • NATION FULL OF MEN. ..,.-■ Why should a world power with' .' a .white man's burden on its back 1 spend all its time looking at a page 1 picture of 16 young women, with a wide grin on their faces, stretching .their eyebrows up over the tops of their heads, and trying to be beautiful, by all sorts of ridiculous posturing ? Why should we? ■ '••? We seize the trumpet and iniwthun-fler-tones >howl through tbe world ! -"Why. 0 Why?"- '- ■ ■•■' Is there nothing worthy -the atten- I ition of women, save skin-deep -beauty I • and the grace and charm that comes out of a few dollars worth» of sheer summer goods ? 'And is man nothing no more m a great roaring world full of female sm iles . Why does not some 'beauty doctor find out how an unsightly wart can be removed from a man's nose, or how a lop-ear can be 'converted into one: of /these pale, ... pearly, pink-tinted shell ears that .everybody wants to" bite as boon as ;they see it ? Why not tell us how a runty man can stretch- 'his bones and grow to the proper size. How a sway back with a bay windoW can be converted into a thing of beauty and /'a |oy forever. How to straighten a / pair of ,handy legs.. We are of the / • opinion that a MAN" SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL. rAnd he must be. We shall attempt to , give some aid to the few men left, m hopes of reviving an interest „m man, so that there may "be more of 1 him. Now/all these "beauty doctors get wrong. They get women- to doin?: -all sorts of things that they should not do. Eve was a very loveIv female, and she never eve,n met one of these modern beauty doctors. A woman used to get her beauty first . from an honest mother, and her muscle from certain pleasant lines of work. We saw a young woman once who had picked vp r a very charming cheek f'om baking biscuit m an oldfashioned Dutch oven over a firep'acc. The world used to be FULL OF MAUD MULLERS, , made out of the ozone of the hay field, the perfume and sweetness of wild honey and the upringiness o f tho oldfashioned wash-tub. Wo arc sorry t-he£.e Kirls are neaily ail used up. A '«drl now. who can nlav and' sin"". " and at tin same time do "cooker" work is a girl m a -million.

When you get to theorising about the kind of women you want m the world it is very 'hard to switch oft! and tackle the kind of men m the World now, but we must- do it. We, must start this thing of makins thi nian beautiful. The first thing to do, is to lie down and get somebody to skiti you. Peel off the ojd hide and burn it. Then a new skin will grow out. As it grows, feed it on cream skin food. And if there are depressions or hollows, put m meat, muscles frorp various animals. If there are bif joints o r too much bone, saw off Enough to make the right surface. MANURE YOUR NAILS, and have your teeth filed. Put m diamonds here and there, bore holes m your ears,-- and also put one m the partition of. your nose. If you are swayed m the back, cut off the front of your bay window and use the debris ,to fill .up the hollow i,i - your rear. Take plenty of baths, and rub the new skin with, olive oil and goose' "'grease, and- squirt perfumery, I on continually. If your hair is srfriS. j run.it through a planing mill and curl each individual hair around a fence post until.it is soft and pliable. Then burn the post. If your calves are too- small, trade them off for two-v©ar-old Holstines. Develop vpur skull,* if too small,, by impacting ' it against a smooth ' stone wall.

MAKE YOUR NECK SWAN-^IKE by tying a rope around it. Tie the other end to a strong limb of a walnut tree. Jump off. This will stretch your neck. If it won't stretch enough; cut it off, and get a rubber neck.. To malce youir arms strong hug something. This will also develop the muscles of. your back. If you have difficulty m getting up a dimple, and every -man} should have dimples, shopt a hole m your cheek. If you weigh too much, have something cut off. If you are too lean, drink a few barreifl of oil, and rub on goose grease. Do not forget to stand with your arms above your head for several days oi each week. Also walk iithree miles every day on your toe tips. Crawl home on your knees In the meantime do not read, anything. ■Do not 1661 cat a book or paper. Stand before a bi-g mirror and wink at. your image m the glass. . If it does^ot wiiflc back at you, wink thfc other eye. If it don't wink "then, you can go downstairs and. WINK AT THE CAT., This will do as well, and will also terrify the cat. As to diet, do not eat anything that agrees with you.' Avoid victuals, , and only eat food. Always stop when you .get so that you cannot swallow another 'bite. Avoid all k,inds of vegetables. They are poison. Do hot eat butter, cows are not healthy. Do not eat any kind of meat. It is all full of microbes and tape-worms. Do not cat fish or oysters, you may be. one yourself some day. 'Do not eat bread. Eat a couple of pounds of salt every day, . This- will add ■: to your saline^ ness. Eat whatever else you want unless it is fried chicken, frog legs 1 or squaT>s. Do. riot drink anything m the line of water, tea, coffee ov spirits. Keep rubbing something om your new skin until the hair sprouts.

THEN GO TO A BARBERr shave and write to > Rockefeller. If do all this while you lie on your back or the other side, and wink and grin, and . keep at it long enough, without even once trying to think, or to carry, on business, or do anything useful, you will come out m 18 years fresh, fair and beautiful, and be ready to marry one of Madame X-Y-Z's beautiful young ladies, and make her fully as miserable, as she deserves to be.

If you do not care to do as we advise, just go on as you please and live and die a common runt.

When I am dead, my darling, Don't drive more nails m me, For my face is full of nail holes Now, as my face should ought to be Another nail, upon mv soul, Would make my face a big round hole.

*-"Brann's Iconoclast."