THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 82, 12 January 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Whocan nndaiinted brave the Critic's rago ? Or ndteiinmovf'd liismeption m the Critic's page? Parade his error m the public bye ? And Motbor Grundy'srage defy ? The motor car has come to slay. ■•■ ♦ • ■ • ' Where there's a bill there's to pay. • « ■ . •■ Auckland was thoroughly scoured out: last year, as m 12 months it got round 3.000,000 pills. When the Ameer of Afghanistan travels, accompanied by his ( sons, the home .gaipson is seriously attenuated. The dear man has been a ha-^v, father at least once a month, for the past i [quarter, of a century /.at least. - '■'■•'■ :■' • .. ■'■■-■■•'■■ ■; " ■ v ■ A Maori chief, Kingi Ngatueire, who recently died m the" W-airarapa, was 'on the large side, weighing ■.something over 22 stone.. The mammoth coffin which conveyed his mortal remains to earth measured 7ft m length, 2ft 7in m width, and 2ft 2in m depth. • • ■■■••■■ Surely the medical man who advertises his practice for sale . "m the healthiest and best part of Auckland province" must do so m a spirit of irony. About the lasit recommendation for a pill-walk is the healthiness of the round. * • • The latest visitor of mark to Dan-' nevirke is a professor who professes to cure diseases of the hair, eye and kidneys, m addition to which he is a herbalist. And even the square-heads tumbled to him, though they ought to have ducked him m the nearest pond. ■ .» « ■. * At recent Christchurch military tournament a cigar and umbrella race was included among the competitive items. Whilst our "military" education is so complete as to. include training m the proper utilisation of the fragrant weed and the "brolly," who need fear the Yellow Peril ? ■■'.■'■• • • According to a riaftnevirke paper, a local resident sent his employer & letter stattog that he had decided to commit suicide, and that -his body would be found near Or'ingi. Later | on m the day. however, it was ascer- | tamed that he had taken a railway! ticket to Palmers-ton North, the Alternative. ■•■■■■ • .■ • A Wairarapa paper reports that a religious body of singers at Carterton" saw a mirage of Mount Egmont . over the Tararuas m the early; hours of Christmas morhin<r. It is lucky for the reputations of the witnesses of the phenomenon Ihat they are religious persons. Anyhow, what did that religious body drink on Christmas Eve ? ; * • • ' A young man named Herbert Vercoe took a gulp of a poisonous lotion ; m mistake for hop beer at Raglan ; a few days ago, but an emetic ad- j ministered by a doctor soon put him ■ put of danger. Now, had Herbert mis- : taken the poisonous lotion for beer or , iwhisky how tommy taylor, isitt and ' the other cranks would have raved ; beirnr "only hop beeir their silence is , deadly .. • ' ."■'.• j .Why, certainly, what else can be . expected when you coerce the people against their natural inclinations. Sa^s the Sydney "Sportsman" : , The police say sly-grog selling, I . owin'K. to the stringency of the new h licensing law is fearfully on the in- . ! crease, It is, however, nothing to I the sly-grog drinking now going on ! m homes. Strict licensing laws and prohibition ' must inevitably manufacture secret drinkers who rapidly become confirmed drunkards. Open publicity keeps thousands of men sober who do not like to be seen getting a load on m , a public bar, but who have no objection ■• to getting blind paralytic m private. Are you listening, isitt?

[ I see ' th'eyi'y£ ■ ' . riaiued . a racehora? | after our pffice^,d6rgiX^ogo. . Quel^ delicatesfse. ! .'■./■:!^y"y^:\^'--'"-\ ';''■s■ SheeJHl;ireed'V«;-' -has largely taken the place oi : , >J breedinja: of humans m Maoriland. . . . •>■ . „'■■ «.'.-' ■ ' ■ •.' Masons with- alphabetical tails always remind one of the saying "what a long tail bur, cat's got." , •;.■:•-. f- ;] ;.,..• . . Those motor car; toials aren't nearly so important •as /the trials of the public who have to 'dfrdge. the curse every day. • v:'. ' • \ ."•■V •''•■'• " ■; •the Marylebone . ■criplcefers are only classed as ' small beer by the Christchurch people l - after the latter's team had won.v that the visitors were to be sheol with the. paint off the. bat. • •• . , '"■ .. * "•_ . ' ,'W • "'■■;■'• *.. . W. .Wood; of f .Pali4erston North, has a lovely action for^ libel against the "Times" when^ he. Comes^ out of quod. He was -sentenoed to, two months' i imprisonment.', for selling ' indecent pictures, but the. moi'nin;? paper, m its summary, made it two. years. I This »\vier lies hea£d4of a certain politician whose: wife VWon'fc listen to the speeches he ■...makes'."-, un and re!.hearses, so. he talks. ■-■to the flies on the table m tihe- vicinity ..'.of the teer bottle, and ' when 'tliey -re,tire m due course he has a go' at the flies on the wall. v ', wv ■ - - *' .■•-'■•''•:■ ■'.■•■ ; -' ''■ ■ :' ■ • •'"!■• ; From the- : ';'Pos^ :'-.^Wanted to sell frock coat. si;lk 'frbnjts, satin-lin-ed cost £10 ■ no reasonable offer refused. Ai>plvjG,6atV Evening 'Post.' " Evidently, a i^vell dov.n, on hia • upners. But : I^e';f.;inip;ht. > y.'h^ve / : saved trouble by .giving the 1 meri'dianal measurement. I "'.'f. ■ * r '■"..''*■'. ."■■■*■■ According to the;; " Standard," seven prisoners are Qonfined m. the Palmerston North Gabl, where ,■ there is only accommodation for ,five, and the polioe canndt find .jjhem^-any ;■:. wprk;.,tO; dp. Well, why" not tuitt'""^^''-!©? '--tlieni. *but into the cruel, cold woi : ld ? ' • •■ ,• •' • .. . * They know a thing or two at Nuhaka. According to a Wairoa paper : — At Nuhaka the other, day two visitors from Wairoa placed their horses with others: -in- a. paddock; They had vanished when sought ; for m the evening, though ail the other horses were there, and have > not since been traced. A curious trip have registered themselves as a company at Chrisjtchuroh to run a new theatre— George Gaton^ by Stead, who is getting his nose into everything ;■'' R. M. Macdonald, and the little Jew, Percy Herman. The two latter have 8333 shares- apiece, and Stead has onemore just to show that there's no animosity, so to speak. : . • ■■:.*, ■ « The latest coin^chasing dodge of boodle Booth is the anti-suioide buireau, m London, agencies of which are springing up elsewhere. Booth has officers ;to give , sympathetic and sensible adv-ioe to all persons contemplating, suicide, thus hoping to stem the tide, of self-destruction. If Booth really wants tp stem the tide he shpuld first turn , his attentipn t 0 the despair driving, brain destroying howlers whp infest the streets o' a Sabbath." ' , • • • At Invercaigill recently on the application of the police, a prohibition order was issued against Ricltard Pennington, whose supply of liquor for one week last month/ totalled 42 gallpna The police said respondent, who did not appear, had been very liberal to his friends. He practically ordered beer land lay beside the cask until it was finished. After all it was only 48 pints a day. . What are they, tiollerin' at? Why, I know a man — but that, is another story. •« ' • A boy, named Julius Tocker, has attended the Stratford District High School over, 13 years without missing a single attendance- (says the Wanganui ' 'Herald " ) , notwithstanding during that time he. had. a broken, arm, a wound m his foot, caused by a broken bottle, which required several stitches, and the . usual sickness to which childhood is heir. Anyhow, is it not time Julius went to wprk, at which he'll no doubt prove a pitiable waster. Such application is unnatural, y y • '.'■'■■• ■'■■ ' #. . ■ That meandering: tribe of j gipsies which has been mooning round the colony now fully realises what the outcast Jo m Dickens' work suffered through being always "chivvied." They took up their abode at Cash^ mere Hills, Christchurch, and raided •: the city but didn't get much encouragement, so they visited Kaiapoi, and m a day or two went to Ashburton, where they camped on the river bed ; but a man m blue told them to, shift their carcases and they are still' moving. Also, they are raiding henroosts en route, and beg- j gin?, and .fortune, telling— anything for a cruslt. •■ ' : They are a peculiar crowd with peculiar ways, amf pecu- ; liar methods of living,- but some of 'em may o-et jueged ' before they leave j the colony and iwz&i ffipsy would j be a novelty/ <

! When a ■ man gets spliced and has j half-ado'/en : kiddies, henMlieshis; wjfe: ; 'tosh^ave' . tlie. ;iiD©ijngs '■■ : vr)isl&^y]xteisligi outings. ' .'"'■' ''■"' ." ' ■'" "' '■ • ' . • ■ ' • Taihape "Post" slavishly slobbers Constable- Baker and says, "Some time ago a largely signed pfejbition (sic) was presented to this astute officer m reeo/mition of his many praiseworthy , acts." Was it a petition that he would leave the district ? • « * V A Hawke's Bay agriculturist re* cently imported some blight proof special seed 'potatoes from England. They never caused him the . slightest trouble as regards blipjh.t, being : sp rotten on arrival as to "■ necessitate immediate planting m the city destructor, ■ ■'•■ * ■•/■•' >:: ■ •.' ■ The cast-iron cheek of those nionkev men. The Japanese 'training ship Daisei Maru has made a trip ;from Yokohama to Sydney, for 'the; purpose of (riving practical knowledge to the cadets That, same practical Inaowlodtre may be turned to account by our beloved brown ally ere many years haw. passed The defeat of the Labor candidates I for the Senate, including Bill Hi.c&s and' And v Dawsoc, is alarm ing and betokens disaster of some kind for the Labor Caii.se m the ne,ar future. If there is one State m the Commonwealth that should be lov'al to Labor it is Queensland. The days of the Continuous Ministry should never be forgotten. ' » • « A useful boy, able .to milk anddrive horse is advertised for m the Grey River "Argus" If the useful boy. when found, knows anything he will" mount this wonderful prad and post off to the Zibialnm richt avrav. A side show comprising a see being milked twice daily would knock spots off the water chute, and be a "draw", indeed. r -R^was.^ignificant?"bt- ;?sie* pqwerr^f[the , fever of the "sport of kings" (says the. Manawatu "Times" referring to the -rush for the trains for the Ashhurst races) to see dainty women, who require the very best m the way of accommodation at other times, fighting for places on crowded second-class platforms and m seated trucks, with the beery dregs of society. * * * A d.t. patient, who had had a week's medical treatment m quod, when before the beak last Monday morning, said the policeman had come to his door, with a brougham askinfl who w&it'tetf a ride. The d.t. individual said. foe then tumbled that he wanted a ride and much against his will went to the hospital where he was not received, and had to go to gaol instead. So like the drunk, who generally regards himself as tine sober one of the crowd. * • ' ' * The Eketahuna Band serenaded a resident of the bush township. He did not come to light m the orthodox manner so the bandsmen assembled on the verandah and poured forth the mournful strains of the Dead March. This had the desired effect and the funds immediately increased I>y half a sovereign. If the band • got what it deserved, each member would have had his hide pickled with salt-petre. "I niver read iv annybody writin' m that his attintipn has been called to a paragraph praisin' him an' regrettin' that stuff lias been published about him that, shud be kept f'r his ■tombstone. But if ye pirint a sauib dpyrn m th' right-hand corner iv th f twelfth page following pure advertise in' matther to th 1 gin'ral effect that bis past life m Missoury Is fcnown to th' iditor he'll be around that mornin' with a gun an' a lawyea:."— Mr Dboley. * ■ •' • "The fire originated ac6identally," say the dailies when the scrub and gorse around Wellington go glimmering. Not on your life ! It's the boydevil every time. Writer has seen him set fire to gorse and broom, repeatedly, even close to dwellings* but knows of no law that would give him authority to arrest the fire fiend. And anyhow he usually goes m gangs and it wouldn't be an easy job. Plainclothes and disguised cops would \rs the proper remedy. * • • The Wairarapa "News" says.— At the conclusion of the burial ceremony over the remains of Ngatuers, at Waiohine, a middle-aged Maori woman threw herself on the grave and expressed her sorrow m much wailinc. A young native, clothed m gorgeous feather mat, who appeared to be the principal mourner, took exception to the performance, and spoke roughly to the woman, ordering her to desist. Another Maori woman of mature years reproved the young man j With an per, and the young man replying m the same strain, Uue enraged eldrrlv female struck him on the face with violence. It was a sordid endinn: of a remarkable scene, but quite d'liffhted those of the wit/nesses who were Irish, aa it aroused glad memories of many a happy shindy at wakes, m the ould dait.

Japan is spending '£?.£o(M),'OOft on .|i^ddi^|Qnar--ships,:for;7het»-^&vyy'.-and: : -at*'f^gss*tp place, 750,OOpI mtif'itf field m time of war. Yet such smug claptraps as Garrulous Gibb would have us .believe- that the "Christianising" of. the' Monkey Man and his pigtail pal, the smellful Chow; by foreign missionary societies is sufficient security against the Yellow Peril. ' ; ' " ■'■ * ' '■ * '"■•• - ■■/). A band of pimps and informers ar#' employed m, this colony to trap slygrog seliers. ; It's a noble profession, is that pf the pimp, who is only rewarded, on conviction and whose 1 temptation '-to perjure himself is exceedingly strong. More than one of theise pimps are ex-members of the various South African contingents, ,and evidently the Government, or fwfcoever.'employsthem, thpught of no more fitting reward for services to the 'Hemp ire. When you come to think of it" a Cchfntin'ffenter should be capable of mostly anything. According to a Nottingham paper, there is a great deal of talk m Ro-; man Catholic circles m the Midlands oyer the successful appeal to Rome against' a decision of Bishop Briodlc. Father .. Hays, Rector of Market Ras-2 m , , went to New Zealand on leaVe qf absence. While, there he was taken 1 ill, and applied to the Bishop for an extension of leave. No reply was received, and when he returned tp ,. En-gland be , found another .ciercyman m possession of the rectory. , father Hays appealed direct to Rome, and has been reinstated at the rectory. / • , . ■■■• ;,... • .■ • • ■■ ■ , The cables ; announce that Queen Victoria of Spain's accouchinent is expected m April. Most women prefer to cloak the fact that they are Mi- an interesting condition, but the fierce light that beats '■•-■.",•?■ a throne necessitates blazoning forvbh even the delicate fact that the first lady m the land is , m the family way ; But the funny thing' a-bput little Ena's;- tri* ' tt umph.. d'f / womiaii'hood vis- sfchafttf^ReynoWs '■■' Newspaper" " flatly denied, 1 during • ' Cowes Week that the new Queen was ensiente. Reynold's don't ' know everything. It should have asked Alfy. There's nothing like style, and Wellington society does love to do the thing to rights. It is de rigeur, frinstans. to hire a coupe to convey your ladies and yourself to the opera and to arrive there with one of the gentlemen puffing . furiously at a big, fat briar pipe and the other fatuously suckinc; , a blpatod cigaroot. It looks well to hand evening-dressed ladies out of the carriage, tiras accoutred, arid to accompany them up the stairs, still dragging at the dudbeen. . It . shows , your refined instincts and the meed of respect you bear to your women-folk. . . • « • If Wellington's Council Inspectors only knew and DID their duty citizens would have much to be thankful for. Are ye. listenin', Jim Doyle? Not very far from the Town Hall there is a Myery stable which can be scented a mile off, so strong is it. In addition, to the horses that are stabled there human beings reside on the premises and are forced to pay half their earnings m rent, otherwise they -would be sacked. When the stables are cleaned the bedrooms, per med-him of cracks m the walls and floors, axe literally drowned m the filth and the occupiers have to set to at once to clean up. Here is something surely, for the City Inspector. Will he wake up, please. -'• .*■ •'. • *■ ■ ■ ■ ' Cabled that the effect of the abolition of prohibition at Mildura, on the Murray river, Victoria, was the cause of more arrests for snicker on the first day than had been made during the whole year previous. This is seifced upon, of course, fey the waferbellies and wowsers as a shocking example. Hollers ! It only meant that "the boys" were celebrating thedr emancipation from the thraldom of wowserdom. Everybody but the pinkeyed wallowers m washing fluice knpws that Mildura as a prohib. settlement was a mockery and a sham, being full of sly-grog shpps and raw wine distributories. Only under these circumstances the drunks were kept indoors to sleep it off, for fear of making it too strong. ■■1 * • • "Feilding Star" went into ecstasies the other day because Chief Justice held a special sitting of the Supreme Court at 7.15 a.m. to enable a young barrister to be admitted to the practice of the Law. Be- ! cause of that the "Star" says: j "That is. like Sir Robert, for a more j kindly, flood-hearted, generous gentle- i man never sat on the Bench. Unlike i many men who have sprung from the ranks he knows no side, he possesses no fancy airs, but is a man through '• and through. No one is afraid to approach him on the most intimately personal question, and there are few men who lead such a busy life so so- ■ licitous for the welfare of others, and ■so ready to give a helping hand when nwded.". Fancy Sir Robert beins asked before breakfast to give someone J or other- the benefit of probation ; but admitting a shark to practice is another matter altogether, •'