THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 80, 29 December 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Whoican,undaunted'bravß tbe •Oritic'tfra.ge? ... - Or note unmoved his mention iv the Critic's page? Parade his error in ithe public eye 1 And Mother Grundy's rage defy 1 A Prosperous New Year. Happiness is a habit— contract it. • * • Only a wise man can learn from a fool. ••. • • Pessimism is a brake that clamps uphill. • a * . A black eye is nothing to a black record .' • * * The anti-Socialist is the evangelist of. the impotent. •-' • . « The beer-eater's dream of Paradise: —A brewery inheritance. nl * * The plus sign is but the minus sign with an upright added. • * * It is. often difficult to discriminate between temptation and opportunity. ■ » ' • »■ Woman is Woe-man when she waltzes into court for a maintenance order. "• • • Art is merely reproduction, since we must go back -.to nature for the model. .- •- • • The sins of the flesh are many; but thank Heaven, most of them are pleasant. • ■ » • . It is amusing to read that some Sydney parsons "solemnise" marriages for a dollar.' » • • The pessimist goes around taking the starch out of things, without offering anything better m its place. * * » The facts we get out of our work have glue upon them, hut the facts we get out of books are greased. # » • i There is no height the striving soul may not achieve, If m its own inherent strength it will believe. # • • "They asked the expert a hypocritical question about a column long." "You mean 'hypothetical,' don't you ?" "Well, it may have been that, too." « * * CUPID AT CHURCH. By chance I sat within her pew, I And, glancing m her eyes, Discern'd m their cerulean hue The beauty of the skies. I heard her sweet seraphic voice In softest murmurs float, Its music made my heart rejoice And treasure every note. ' I did the very best I could, To look the other way, And all went fairly well and good Until I heard her say : ,"I want to be an angel " when ' She tempted me too far, And so I told her there and then, ■ "Dear girl, that's what you are !"

Summer .'sausage .{season, set m. •'. "_•♦-' » The face of t&e transgressor ishand. , (^}sWimM^^^^ ;i OjOO : -.'■'■''" .- -„/.: >-:■:■ *■■■__ ;OOo*i _:-. : V-\* * ' •' fleer is nev^.drilhk atself , but it del.ights m ipakih'g'oth^r people so.. *' ' ..'-•■'' '.. * The truly economic woman, is she who keeps. Mer wedding dress for. another marriage, (j 'O-.o '* .. ' .^ o-■ '• *

Taihape ,jTay'?_vy to drunk ; <'Yqu afe- : disoharg^i— not > guilty— hut iust he careful : not: -to .'; use -such language again! ' _■' "'-V^'- V- :, ' : : ; W ■

Two Russian '.':•'; youths, tried :to assassinate ' Admi£a.l Dupasofi, their effort failed.^ahd "they' h.ad t'op&ssoff themselves, v ■: :-yi..'\y ■ ,

The world owes you a living, hut it is left for 'you --to say whether that living shall be < siiriply bread and burgoo or turkey and, plum duff.

• You must not only bury your dead, but ypu must forget where, smoothing every grave— else you are not safe from ghosts— ghosts ) ; my fine sir !

Ah ! what a happy, man is he Who tends, an rriqilbator, For all his newrhalM'd chicks must be Convinced 'that. B_i|s their mater ! ' »"•."•' ■^.'■■_¥iy ;•". * ■

"What is your. '. religion ?" .asked Wirein Wilford ,^f the recalcitrant witness. .'I ama'yegeteriain,'' responded the hard un, m - a 4 level voice. .♦ Vy. '•' .-<■" ;/ ;' ... .

"To the pure .ali thi!n,g? are pure," as the hash^hpuse keeper.;- observed -to the boarder ';. who; Complained about the state of -the break-fast, sausages.

"The Curse of .Prosperity" is bemoanied at , length; \by o .^back-block bulletin. Its , .''.Critic" would wiliin ] be^trouhied^ith

The reason why men are compelled to wear togs whep bathing is probably that otherwise the modesty of the fish might be shocked, not to speak of the mermaids.

"Adjutant MdLure. of Eltham Salvarmy push, was announced to propound the gawspel oh Sunday last. His subject was , " Warming a Corpse." Fancy pretending to preach the Word under such gruesome, ghoulish o-uise as that. Oh, 'ell !

' A Wellington man who was viaitirik up Stratford-way last- week asked the buxom daughter of Mr Cow spanker :

"Do you play. and sing- 'When the Cows are m the Corh ?' " "Lord bless you,' no, ' ' was the astonished re-r ply, "I call the dogs and chase 'em out." \ /"

■ . '-At Waimate on Monday a man and woman were charged with a breach of the peace . . ; . ' This was the second charge against the, man, the first having been with ' the point of the infuriated female's umbrella, which • bunged his eye up. Alleged cause— orful landgwidge ! "'.-'■■-.' » • ''•'•'■'■..« Beak Bishop v of Christchurch, thihks that when- a man. gets drunk and refuses to , quit, licensed, premises, and smashes the pub windows^ and is fined therefor , : that he is deserving of no consideration at all and consequently should get no time t-p pay. So it's plain qu6^ fbr the -beery cobh who kicks up' a- shindy when he's tanked.

They held* a Maori mission meeting at Christchurch .t'other night when Julius (the gaspipe . Bishop) and others spoke about the Maoris m the north. The meeting expected some information about the northern Mabtis, but they couldn't. get any, and Julius admitted he knew.nothing about them. However, the meeting prayed, and £19 was collected.- And that was the main thing:. ."

Christchurch people- have sickened of having women •on the Charitable Aid and Hospital Boards and have bumped them off with great equanimity. - Pet " ticoats were looked upon— not as a set of Bumbles, ; : but busy bodies.— and caused moire -.trouble m* 5 a month than had happened previously m a year. So now they are repining m obscurity, and . their' ! Mends are saying things, ari-cl, every thing m the garden of charity isn't flowering so well as heretofore. „

The tohunga . still flourishes. One of him recently decreed that the Waimana and. Ruatoki Maoris should take, seven dips in' _ the river, and despite the fact that the day was bitterly cold the whole crowd, men, women and children took, the plunge. Anyhow, . the. 'Maoris' faith m the tohunga is only on a par with the "enlightened" Christian Baptist, who at the command of the Bible-banging parson takes a "header" m the font. And the tohuWa knows, just as much and iust as little of what he is ta'kin"" about as the "reverend gentleman. '

A s,afe bet. is the one you were going to make and didn't.

Judge not, lest- ye he punished by your own harsh- thoughts. / ' •

■ a^aih .maketh .\l_ii', own destiny, but' booze. inaftes his destination a cell. » '•__■*.

Another motto for the packers : Omnia possumus omnes. (We all can everything). ■ " .# • . • . i■■ - • I.A fussy individual has no art himself and he saps? the inspiration of [everybody else, Side-step him. ».-. « • Everything goes by orderly, sequence. We ; call -;it law. Nothing ever happens. There is a law for everything, i,*♦ • ■ . "Did you run across anybody m that automobile tour?'' MWe ran 'em down first, and then ran across 'em." . , , ■ • . • . • He alone, is immune from cephalbI genesis who- has Butted the Wall three times and perceived that the Wall felt not. .. I •»•.*• • Always hold your breath- when a consumptive barber is shaving you. !A better, rule is not to be shaved by a consumptive barber. « « » . The camels at the Zibishun only drink once a fortnight, but when they do take a sup -they drive the inveterate boowr mad with envy. * * « 'Twixt optimist and pessimist The difference is droll, The optimist sees the dou-*h_HUfc, The pessimist the hole ! » » « i A dear old maiden lady called on I Dr. Blupil the other morning and told him she had been reading Dr. Ducksong's advertisements and was certain she was suffering from varicocele.

"If you ever crsss my path again; beware !"■ said tbe man with the red^ face: - ■ '.'.

"Why, are you going to get an automobile ?" asked the other.

There is no truth m the rumor that Majestic Munro has been offered the nosition of General Manager of the preat combined Anglo-French Zibishun to be held m London next year.

No policy pays like politeness. Good manners, like the gold standard, are current the world over. Gruffness locks doors, while courtesyis an open sesame at which bolts fly back and doors swing open.

Why I like God is that, he never meddles. He lets us do a.,we please. That is. why M grins grimly instead of smiting, when the' norths and gibbses take His name m ' vain and glibly tell Him what he ought to do- ' _ '

An eminent surgeon says : "I have performed over a thoiisand operations of laparotomy and my records ' show that m every instance, excepting - m the case of accident? the individual was -'given' to what you call the "Beecham habit."

" 'Peace on Earth' is a good lurk said the irreligious man, "ior it's a dead snip there won't be much peace up m Heaven, with all those back- 4 biting, narrow-minded, miserable wowsers jostling each other m the gold-paved streets!" > ■•■•-■

How many , business failures will there be m Christchurch after the exhibition ? One man, a tobacconist, who has just gone under far over £700. says that he laid m a large stock m view of the big show, but people didn't come along to buy it.

>' "There must be some fake about that new trick of Sandow-Samp-sbn's," said Tete de Veau. "What trick is that?" L'Oignon asked. "Why the strong man closes and locks, unassisted and within five minutes, a Saratoga trunk packed by a woman' for a week's trip to Auckland.

Taihape "Post" says undesirables infest that township, and some half dozen are being watched night and day by the public. As the Taihape "foprce," accordinc to latest advices, consisted of 4wo eopmen only. these twain must be optical wonders to he able to keep their peepers perpetually on six criminals.

Dour Presbyterians m Christchurch are once more wailing about their Church Extension Fund. It won't extend worth a cent, and members aren't narting un the bawbees, which isn't what they call "inspiring.". So -the Presbytery has decided that it's useless to deplore its failures, as it has done after year Without affectinr*- anything, and the good old conimittee has been appointed once ; arrain to think over things. x\pplying to the Loard ■ for assistance has never struck them. v hats the matter with that idiotic old wheeze, "Astc and ye 'shall receive ?"

Christmas only Gomes once a year, for which we are all truly thankful. Haying emptied the churches, north/ gibfr anil ; j^j^iiany are now tryuii ..to jdb : . =;dittof ; *;&> : : the • j?®rks gawspel grinding orgies therein. What worrying Wights rbhese wbwsers are, tq be sure.

What .is m a name ? The address of the winners of the first prize m the Sandhurst Cup was "The Unlucky Syndicate." The devil was evidently unable to resist the (temptation of having &, joke !

This is the season/when temperance tub-thumpers rake m the converts. This also is the time when ruin stares brewers and publicans m the face. Only temporarily, though. Some thirsts seem to receive new vigor with a New Year.

Why isn't "Jay Jay Nawth" up m arms against Christmas day cricket ? Is it< because there is a streak of blue blood m the Hinglish Eleven. You cannot get near a parson when it comes to a grovel. Respect they mostly . call it f but it's slobber, slimy aiid sickening. *v » » Toney Northern Club, Auckland, is advertising for a chef and adds the old wheeze "state wages required." The richest club m Maoriland apparent! 1 / can't offer a decent screw to a -tood chef; they are afraid a damned j Ghiivie will come along and offer to do, the.. work at ls 3d less.

Says Sydney "Spototsman" :— The wowsers are' on the warpath over m New Zealand again. A body of them protested last week at the publication of "the naimes of Maoriland winners of prizes m Tat-t.'s sweeps. Why, they ought to he delighted , to see the money coming into the family !

When j, j. north had read "Truth's " trenchant leader on himself, he confided! to a dear- brother- '■. that -the writer- of^ it could not write for sour apples, or words to that" eiffect.,; But the dear brother, noticed that' his hand -shook and he kept moistening his white lips. It stung all right, north-- V

At Irish Envoy, meeting Mayor Hislou apologiried for the absence of Charlie Izard, who was* down to second resolution-. Said he was sure all present; must regret cause of his beinc away, but forgot to add that they .must also all. sympathise with many wretched, ruined folk Wairarapa Wa** arising from same cause. But then Hislop's another lawyer.

Probably there has never been m this country a more notable legal partnership than the sometime Dunedin .firm, Stout, Munday, Sim, and Firidlay.' Sir Robert Stout is Chief Justice, of .New Zealand ; the Hon. Dr. ' Pindlay is Attorney-General, with' the reversionary interest of the Chief. Justice's office, and Mr Sim is to be raised to the Supreme Courtbench as judge '• of the Arbitration Court. ' .

Since "Truth" told the "Times." of its '.folly m nauseating its readers by filling its ."persona,!''' columns . with self-written pars and puffs about penny-pinching- parsons, there have actually •" been only two such paragraphs m. that paper and they were about travelling high dignitaries of the Anglican Church, j. 'I north ' must feel very lonely .how/ he does not get an almost daily free J advertisemeht, which the belching hot-air merchant can hardly expect after his gross insult to the morning' paper. Even the "Post" has dropped the posing bounder.

When the body of John Cluff, the boarder who was burned to death at Masterton, was recovered, it was found that only a portion, a few inches square, of his trousers pocket was left unconsumed, and the remarkable, fact was discovered that twenty sinrie pound notes were rolled up m .this fragment, only the edges of the notes, being slightly scorched. The deceased, had been somewhere about four months m Masterton. He was said to have been m a fire at Gore (Otago) some time ago when a man was burned to death. It is to he hoped that John isn't troubled with the heat just now. .

The other day local sausage wrappers announced tlie appointment of Mr Clifton,, of Auckland, to the position of head of the Stock Department. Ahent this it may be said that a circular was recently sent round the department announcing that a presentation was to be made to the new chief and that one day's pay would be stopped, from all salaries to pay for the little affair. Some affected by this ultimatum are meat inspectors, - number married, getting 10s per day. Also note that Mr Clifford is well to do. Another case occurred about the same time. A meat inspector died at the early aie of 37 years, leading his wife and vmily totally unprovided for.- In this case a circular was sent round the deikr.traent renuestine voluntary subscriptions. Query : Which deKervri <he comnulsorv subscription and which the voluntary ?