THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 72, 8 December 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

.-' „-.■'•'■■ ■"! — ■"•':,- l-*' '■>■ — r ~* •■: ■" •.'■■ Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved bis mention m the Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy? Why didn't his Ex. turn tip at the Basin Reserve on Sunday ? Wind too cold or was the crowd too dem common for his Noble Nibs ? •■• • . "The Seddon Memorial Fund" isn't dead after all. It has bobbed up serenely at Cambridge and amounts to £1 7s. People are beginning to ask "who was Seddon ■?" • • * The "Eketahuna Express" recently reminded its readers of the meeting m the Methodist Church m connection With, the young people's forward movement. Probably a pushing afair. • ■ « a Fashionable intelligence as purveyed by a Taihape paper :■— "Mr Simson, surfaceman, has been relieved of his duties as lamplighter. The office has been delegated to Mr Eales, night-soil contractor." •' ■ ■ • . ♦ * - The up-to.date she. 'A' "lady" attired m a borrowed dress suit (man's 1 ) attended the Tumer-Tracy scrap at Christohurch the other night. It was stated that the gentle creature was, at ordinary times, a barmaid m a leading pub. Poor Tapanui !' Last issue of the "Courier" thus agonises : "It is expected that there will be a record gathering, of clergymen m Tapanui this afternoon." It is sincerely trusted the residents looked weH to their cutlery, etc., etc. • • * A young man is reported to have "cut out" a cheque for £93 at Hastings (says an exchange) within the space of a fortnight, and waa begging a drink when last heard or. AM after all what is there wonderful m that fact. A fool and his money are soon parted. • • « • An exchange reports that someone has stolen the bell of St Peter's Church at V/aipawa. Curse him ! That thief ought to be found m some near neighbor, whose life has been made' miserable by the jangling tintinnabulation of the barbarous relic of the bronze age. • • H Police Commissioner Dinnie was a very interested spectator during the proceedings, against Constable Jeremiah O*Brien at the Criminal Court on Monday last. The boss bobby is a kind of a will-o'-the-wisp. He's everywhere, and generally m the wrong place when he's wanted ; which is only natural m a policeman. * • * The fortune-telling fraud of all shapes is provided for by a new Act m Victoria, which might well be copied m New Zealand. It reads :— "Any person pretending or professing to tell fortunes or using any subtle craft, means or device to impose upon any other person, shall be liable on conviction to na^ a penalty not exceedine: £25, and m default of payment to be imprisoned for a term not exceeding six months."

Life is mostly wife and strife*" ♦ • ■ •• ■ ■ . <&bo+ Herring^s ;> Sstale panned out at £l,3?>0,0OO. What a lot of sprats. > • •■ • • ■ • . . ' Memor*- is the feeling that creeps over us when we listen to a friend's stories. • . • .■■.*' Christmas almost upon us and scarcely a. sign of summer yet. Wellington has a fair vixen of a climate. * ♦ • A man was drowned at Glasgow last week through the collapse of a vat containing 20,000 gallons of whisky. What a glorious end ! * , .* • The "Eltham Argus" reminds, its that "The Lassies Band" 'will appear m Eltham. "On their last appearance m Eltham the hall was crowded to excess, and, doubtless they will . secure a large audience this evening. The qualities of the band are highly spoken of by all the newspapers." What about the qualities of the Lassies. . • " * An architect who will buckle to and make himself generally useful is a treasure possessed by Tokomairiro. Evidently they've been playing him up rather, lately, for he wrote the other day to 'say he wouldn't be able to assist with painting the school and laying the asphalt. Possibly the gentleman was too busy digging drains m the cemetery. •. * « "The Taihape Post" is not satised with its new court house, as m a recent issue it complains thusly :— The squat appearance of the local courthouse has not been improved by the erection of a drain ventilator at the front corner of the fence. This is a most unsightly object, and is at once suggestive of smells." Anyhow the stink inside will act as an antidote. • 4 i. . • ■ Mr F. Wilding, who recently returned to Christohurch from England, finds, so we are informed by the "Times," ! that m English society now-a-days j "there is. a lively sense of the duty which the fortunate and happy owe to their poorer brethren." Does he now ? How nice of him ! And what a delicate way of telling us that he mixed with English society when at "Home." #. « ■ ■ Hospital Sunday wants a good live lead m the matter of lady collectors. Will Lady Ward take the lead j next year and personally conduct the campaign. What a graceful act it would be for a beautiful woman, with charming manner, and standing on the top social rung, to set an example to our society ladies, which is already m practice among their sisters m, the Australian States. • * * The woollen manufacturers of this colony have decided/ to meet m conference with the object of arriving at some arrangement -whereby better prices for woollen goods may be charged. It is the old cry over again. Wool brings a big price m London, and local manufacturers send up their prices. The wool grower waxes fat, likewise the local manufacturer, and the worker pays through the nose all the time. •■. • « A hand-book has been issued b? the Department of Labor setting forth its organisation and work, since the, creation of the Department m 1891.! The little book is very well compiled and well printed and. should prove very interesting to visitors to New Zealatod, but to the New Zealander out of work we doubt if it will bring much comfort. What the unemployed want to know is, not what the Department has done, but what it is going to do. • • . • A ranter named Crowe was denying the holy trinity, the crucifixion and everything divine the other night m the smoke room of a local pub. His persistent and objectional references to the Savior brought the following from a well-known theatrical wit : We've heard m language mixed with spice That Crowe has no belief m Christ But what we all would like to know Is whether Christ 'believes m Crowe? • » * During; a row m the Napier Police Court recently 'between Inspector Macdonnell and Mr Westall, solicitor, the latter 1 s remarks were described as "only the cackling of a hen." Such impudent remarks by a police officer should not be permitted by the Department, says a local paper. "Critic" doesn't know why, but he always thinks of Captain Frere, m "The Term of His Natural Life," when he bears of Inspector Muck Dunnel. The strike amongst the carpenters m Victoria is of greater magnitude than the cable man has led us to be- : li'eve. A recent visitor to that j State says it is painful to see the j number of building contracts that \ i stand unfinished, and all because the j men consider eight hours' a day too j ; long to labor. As neither natty, ; ■' seems inclined to submit, the strike is likely to continue for months. Meantime the building trade is para.lysed. i

South (.Africa 11, Wales nil, and not a. word ifrom-*he. All BJScks. -Geie whiz This iloqwnt silence is positively chilling, ■ •■• ' ■•■ ♦ * The Woodville gas-works was opened on Wednesday, says ; an exchange. Wellington's gas-works doesn't open until after the New Year. »■ • # ' Dick Seddon's estate has been proved at £14,207. Now what about Digger Dick's poverty and noble sacrifices to duty and what aboiit the English paper that figured Dick's estate out at £200. • • ■ • -« Since the New Zealand "Times?' increased its pages readers 'of its local and general column often wonder if it is a daily paper they are reading or. an enlarged edition of the scissors arid' paste "World's News." ■''„*■ * • ' •'• "The Northern, Advocate" evidently wants i^p. pruning' knife applied, as m its , last i^sue it gravely informed its readers that the Government Trust Offices' m Wellington are to cost £4,100. Merely an insignificant nought left out ! . '•■..■• • The holiday curse m New Zealand ought to be grappled with by the Government. Saint's -anniversaries seem 'to be favorites, particularly with the Civil Service, which evidently wishes to convey the impression that it is a very pious Civil Service indeed. • ■ • * Wonderful the nonsense that is cabled to the daily papers m the colonies. The silly story about the Pittsburg Hospital microbes getting loose and causing a panic is more ridiculous than the De Rougemont stories that went down so lovely with the London know-alls a few years ago. • . • ■ -■■ * ■ New Zealand certainly promises to be prolific of habitual criminals, that is if judicial threats are to be taken into consideration. Dr. McArthur threatened a beastly bludger the other day to send him before a, Supreme Court Judge to be "declared" if he, didn't mend his ways. Anyhow, the Habitual Criminal's Act will be useful for dealing with delectable persons of the bludger type, m • • John Morley, Chief Secretary for India, has ordered a reduction of the area licensed for poppy cultivation on India's coral strand. It is popularly supposed that most of the opium comes from China, whereas India's output is larger by far, and a ready market is found for it m the Flowery Latad. Now, as the Chow Government is suppressing its importation and use, the English interdiction can be taken to account for a lot of things. • • < . An old-age pensioner, James Bradley, „80 years of age, was 'suddenly taken ill m Inangahua last Saturday. The local copman. seeing the old man stagger, ran him m, presumably with the intention of charging him with being: dhruink and incapable. Old man Bradley expired at the lock-up and the blue-bottle's hopes of a case were dashed. Accidental death was the verdict, medical evidence showing that deceased had slipped and dislocated his neck. • • w At a recent meeting oi the Education Board at Clutha it came out that a protest had been received from a local photographer against teachers taking photographs during the holidays, printing them as post cards, and underselling him m his business. The assertion was denied, and the Education Board accepted the school-teacher's denial. Schoolteachers seem to have a mania for photography. With the murdered Pap&kao school-teacher it was a vicej • ♦ • • A lot of sickly sentiment was indulged m at the S.M. Court last Monday aoent the soul-saving and rescue work of the Salvation Army "All the work fell on the Army's shoulders," observed Dr. McArthur. And if it does, is there an individual breathing who will dare aver that for its good work the "Harmy" does not exact its pound of flesh from the unfortunates it takes into its Homes. The Army is a commercial concern and for its Christianity wants its quid pro quo— over the wash-tub. • • « A man named Cole was convicted at Temuka the other day of stealing a number of postcards from the shop of Mrs Butler. One or two of them were, as it turned out, quite prophetic ones. The first one was a view of an explosion, with t';e figure of a man being hurled through the air. Underneath were the words, "I am going up !" The other depicted a prisoner m a prison yard chained by the ankle to a ball. Underneath this i were the words, "I shall be here for I some time." A man with a penchant 1 for such post-cards, should always see that no one is looking. He's uriluckv sure, and his finish was doubtless leerinp at him over the fence as [he did the nicking.

"Ye -woo- as « man should;,^©;,; 'and Fm won "as 'w.&man should .'.be won, because she has no will left to choose."— Marian Ingkrrach. • '•'■-• : ; . * * Owing to the unfavorable weather ; yesterday, the MasiJerton Orchestral Society did hot play m the. hospital grounds, says an exchange. Evidently a merciful Providence thought the inmates sufficiently afflicted, Remarkable the number oj. drunks a Government holiday produces m Wellington. Absolute proof that the unmarried Civil Servant has nothing better to do when lie gets a day off than to just fill himself with swankey- -» » .#. It is all very, well for Magistr-ate McArthur to butter the Salvation Army for their good work, but isn't the Army paid for it ? Surely something is due for those thousands of pounds realised m New Zealand by the self denial cadge. Anyhow, does riot the Army directly or indirectly receive Government subsidies? • * * Grave-yard ghouls have been rampant at Taumarunui, and attention has been given to the grave of the late Maori chief, Te Awhitu, who was buried on his daughter's property at Taringamutu. The only relic placed m the coffin was a long piece of greenstone, which deceased wore. The grave was op&ned, and the greenstone abstracted, the bones being scattered about. The coffin was hewed out of a solid log, and had been buried about seven feet below the surface. Evidently the thieves had reckoned upon obtaining a quantity of valuable treasure. •■* , * There is no Prison Gate Brigade m the Empire City, though there has been a lot of hot, air wasted over the idea, Prison ,' Gate Brigades are not wanted. Generally they are compos^ ed of commercial "Christians" who sweat and defraju'd the "rescued." II they ha v e not the instincts of a Jew money-lender the brigadiers are religious cranks who, with their own bellies well filled, imagine that the released criminal can sustain life on tracts and other good works. If a Societv was founded to protect the released prisoner from the often diabolical persecutions of the police, some good might be done. • • • The permanent injury of a grainlumper at Timaru, as reported m Tuesday's "Times" is one more argument m favor of the legal restriction of the size of 'grain sacks. Two hundred and forty pounds to three hundred pounds is a shameful weight to. ask a human being to hump, and heft. In America wheat is sacked m 100 ft bags and consequently a wheect lumper's "life" is not limited, as m Australia and New Zealand, to ten years at the outside. This is no "grandmotherly legislation" question, it is one of national importance if we' don't want to have an army of crippled paupers on the country's hands.' •' * * The inquest on the 'body of young McAleex, last week, appears to have been a very perfunctory afiair and afforded no satisfaction to his friends. Moreover, a man to whom the deceased was known to have administered a hiding, some time back, has been heard to openly state, m a pub. bar, when aaked his views of the matter, that "the mates of a bldke he thrashed had' been looking for a chance to avenge him and had laid for and done the lad m." That the speaker himself is said to have been the "bloke," makes the matter very serious. Anyhow, why was no medical evidence as to the cause of death taken at the so-called inqiuest ? • ♦ • Morally ptitrescent America should blush— 'way down "the corridors of Time"— for her foul, brute-puritan, Mother Grundyish, sickening, revolting treatment of Max Gorky, the great Russian, and his soul-wife, the brilliant actress, Mme. Andrieva. Priggish hogs, smug hypocrites, and robbers, rotten-meat packers, swindlers, adulterers, deadrfall keepers, rake-off grafters, .whoremongers, gamblers, utterly heartless confidence men, foul, first, last and always, themselves, the Yanks still keep up some of the hideous, cruel systems of their pilgrim forefathers. Gorky turned out of Yankee hotels ! And there's not a hotel m the United States that is not a blatant brothel. • • • It is generally all or nothing with some people, but not with the wise perambulating parson who is always persuading people to part up for some good kawse or other, and parsons always have a dozen or so good kawses up their sleeve. In Christchuroh the other day a cleric with a mouth as wide as a hotel door stuck up a man for a donation. "Well I'll give you two bob if you give me sixpence change out of half-ia-crown." "But you can spare the half-crown." said the oily one unctiously. "No, T can't ; I want a sprat for a drink, and you can either ffive me sixpence change or go with^ out anything." The small coin was i forthcoming.

'New Zealand for New Zealanders. .One of the presiding J.'sP. at the &M.'s Court the other day was a Dago who could just manage the English language. • » m In a finger print case recently at Christchuroh it was stated that the chances of the imprint shown being made by any other person than accused were 2,384,185,791,015/625 to 1.,' Liar ! ! . • * •■ * Queen Alexandra is 62. The sassiety drivelling rags who grovellingly insist on averrine; that the old dame looks as youn? as her daughters, pay those fair damsels a rather lopsided compliment. A back-block writer, m an Exhibition impress, speaks of orchestraconductor Hill as a dark, youthfullookinpf personage with a far-away gleam m bis eye. P'rhaps paper chap caught him looking for the audience. • ' • • Evidently feed is scarce Manaia way. ( '"Wai-mate "Witness" says :— "Owners of cows are notified that they may graze cows on the town for six months." Fancy, succulence from w-eatherboarding, lamposts and doorsteps. • • • A Ohakune scribe, hard up for copy sends to the Taihape "Post" the 1 momentous intelligence than an interesting family event took place at Mr Jobb's house lately, when a little stranger made its appearance. Made a good job of it, seemingly. • • .• Adelina Patti's last concert was given last Saturday. The great songstress has been farewelling for, the last five years, and, like the babbling brook, bids fair to go on for ever, positively last appearance goes are good goods with Patti, for the innocent public bite every time. -. # • • ■' • A cave named Burton, ViS., was announced to lecture at Tinui the other night and now complaint is made that only a handful of Tinuii-tea blew m to listen. Mayhap the inhabitants misinterpreted the letters after the lecturer's name, and thought they stood for "very silly." •,• • • The German as a colonist is a huge mistake and it is chiefly the gross, brutal military spirit that is jammed into him m. his youth, that is .to blame. It is that which causes him to be so overbearing, cruel and callous. Yet, strange to say, a German settlement of immigrants, under British rule, is usually law-abiding, honest and m every way a success. Witness Auckland's Puboi and South Australia's German farm and viticulture settlements. ' * « « A Waihi miner on the night shift returned home at 3 a.m. recently, being too ill to work. Approaching the house he noticed a spectral figure vanish into the darkness, but -was too weak to investigate. However a pair . of men's boots reclining lazily on the floor of his bedroom, for which his wife was unable to account clinched matters. Waihi is awaiting a divorce case,, now, m which i ,pair of forlornlooking daisy crushers will form the bone of contention, as it were. • * • ■ "The Bay of Plenty Times" recently got a conundrum m the shape of a cablegram from its London correspondent and it asks its readers what they think. Well it is a tangle all right ; what do you think ?— "Berlin, Nov. 20. —Municipal press publisher remarkable conversation held with Doctor Granghofer german novelist avowed himself ardent optimist intended remain one he so confident Germany's future that felt world over prevailed abjection regarding; empire intended himself work on wiUhout .being: disheartened." And some people say : "You newspaper fellows have such good times, don't-you-know. " • • * Wihen a distressed wife, who has had to put up with a sottish ' husband for a considerable time, gets a prohib. order out against him she can't always expect to experience unalloyed domestic bliss m future. If he takes his court gruel badly, and can't get sqiuiny*as of yore, he is sometimes a morose, spiteful fellow, always bickering, and having his revenge on pay day by sticking to most of his wages, allowing the missus only the barest of expenses for household purposes. It is one way of getting- even, of course, but a sober husband may be preferable to a drinky one, even though he is a spiteful bear. There was a case of this sort mentioned at Christchurch t'other day when a daughter got an order against her father, but she was married and consequents didn't live at his house. Her mother, she observed, wouldn't take one out because the last time she did so the old buffer made life unbearable for her, and she didn't want a second ■ experience of that kind. » The court granted the application, despite the ■winey one's ardent pretestations, so for the next twelve months the law 1 presumes him to be "dry," but how the wife will get on can only be im- • agined. i