THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 72, 3 November 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? „ Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's pa. B p Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

Hunger dies, but thirst is immortal.

Something to be avoided— the boozer's breath.

Love is iike leprosy : it^s a withering disease.

The absconding season appears . to have set i:i again.

All gifts given at. presentations are "suitably inscribed/ So are gaol uniforms.

An . unsatisfactory looking item on this year's Estimates was the abnormal amount required for gaols, and gaolers' quarters. We know we are growing, but we don't want to grow m crime or similar luxuries.

"Critic" was pestered by the antitote crank to sign the petition at Trentham last Saturday week for the abolition of the tote. As the said scribe was on his way at the time to draw a "divi." on Flotilla, all the crank got was the glassy glare.

A Melbourne sky-pilot has advocated a ' strike among parsons whose stipends do not come m regularly. The worst feature of such a strike would be the number of blacklegs that would come to light. You can't beat /the parsons for dirty meanness.

Success makes the wise man timid>

'*' Anger ' whips Ajtseltai; last' ! Polly's;, s^tri^ped'yheff fury's l>ast,

Gin has no connection with gingerbeer, though -they are frequently wedded m a pub.' '

Some people with, a grievance make a great . deal, of it, and they like to sing'lihe chorus. • ■«■'..• «

Many an individual isn't content with having a "finger m the pie." He sticks his whole fist m.

At the 'annual conference of the Queensland Teniper.ance Alliance, held a few days v agp,.. they ' elected their pope— W. N. Pope.' .:■•'

The Johnny ? s,:£yes are always dim, To beatfty that- wont smirk at him He's scornful lot-each honeyed lip, From which his own may never sip.

Another maiden missionary has returned from' New, Guinea looking like a ruin totteriiig to decay. There are lots of uncatalogued forms of suicide. \ :■■'■■ „ ■:"■;'

.The prick of. an ;evil. -tongue is evidence of an eyil-rnind, and when anyone is. so pricked there is always solace m the" knowledge that an evil conscience is the grandmother of the evil tongue. „

■ ■ . \ * .' ■ >,■ ■ • • ■ ■•• ■ A certain .sawbones m the Canterbury .district is said to have fractured a •matrimonial engagement, but there is another gent m. the town offerUxg to render first aid to the bride that was to have been.

A spellin' reformer indie ted

For fudge and : before the court, cited;

The Judge J Enough— : His caiyile vfre^li .'snbugh, ' ; And JjiisySis^ .be :: : whictfed?'! rv*s? r^M\f- : -': ■ ■'■-•■■■ i-v : ; .■'■'• ''■■■'• ■ . •

Flatulent kind .of humor which breaks out periodically m, a section of the country press consists m printing the name of the proprietor of "Truth" as "Snortin." The, humor is not original ; it is ab-original.

Thus the "Waimarino News" :— "The banner of a free and independent press was unfurled m Taihape three years ago, and it has taken firm root !" What strange trees they grow at Taihape. That about puts up a record over that attained by the late lamented Sir Boyle Roche it

The various lunch wraps are often sadly deceived by humorous persons m regard to "send-offs." One chap was printed as having been entertained prior to his departure for Hellnoswhere, and all the entertainment he suffered was a couple of threepenny beers shouted by a pair of thirsty friends. ■

When we see a .few obscure partial-ly-educated parsons forming unions that do nothing but urge the Govem"ment to force their narrow morality on the people, we may well exclaim, "What is the country com ins- to ?" Would the colonists of the olden days have stood their Kerristian capers ? Not much '

The two Mikes again.— Chow .approaches. Says fat Mick to skinny ( Mick : "Ask the yaller divvle ay he's a Boxer." Skinny Mick asks, and the yellow devil grins and says : "Me no Boxer, me Mandarin." Back goes skinny to. fatty : "Phwell, what do v the- heathin say ? Is he a Boxer ?" "Begorra, he's. worse; he's warn ay thim damned Orangemen."

It is said to be . established beyond dispute that the Chinese were the originators of polo. It is averred that |)010 was played m China during the Tang dynasty about A.D. GOO, and the theory is that the Chinese learnt the. game from the conquered Tartars. "Critic" doesn't believe it, nevertheless, having seen plenty of Chows outside horses. They are just about as comfortable m a saddle as a cat on walnut shells, or a lobster m a pot of boiling water.

They have some very acquisitive people' m the Poverty Bay district, if the following advt. from a recent issue of the "Herald" should give ample proof :—

WANTED— Handy Man-; must be able to milk, plough, fell bush, kill, cook; assist m laundry, and teach children the theory of music. Salary £30.— Apply "Urgent," Herald Office. *

Just "imagine " coming m from a twelve or .fourteen hours' day at those light farm'; field, and forest duties, to a, job of ironing and folding, with ■ & jdieerful lesson m the theo.ry'of mS^Ki to half-a-dozen vulgar brats/ online side, and all for io bob a week. But surely it is not genuine, but a throw off at some skinflint cocky. ;"

The Salvarmy bioscope push have got a "film" of Pelorus Jack gambolling: m front of a steamer m French Pass. As Jack is bathing m the "nood," it behoves Pussy Freeth, J. J. North and the sap-headed police who allow themselves to be run by such scrouchers, to prosecute the Army for exposing indecent and immoral pictures. • * •

The city council of New York has passed a bylaw whioh makes it a punishable offence fot any motorist to leave an auto unoccupied, and qualified chauffeurs are rubbins: their hands with glee. As sales of 7,000 new motors were registered- m the first half of this year m New York district, the ''showfur'^ should now never be short of a job.

There is a pretty hot customer who collects revenue for His Majesty at the Lyttelton Custom House. What time he is not engaged m watching the; aritics of the dishonest importer he: spends m dodging irate femalesnil wife mostly— who want explanations of his amorous peculiarities. Lyttelton residents are not easily shocked as a rule, , but they buck a bit at bare-face.d adultery, and m that line this joker seems to be a James P. Dandy.

Is it any wonder that Lionel Terrys affect a mission m life ? This is from, the "Tapanui Courier" :— Presentation at Kelso.— On Friday evening last a few friends of Mr T. Lee Wah ("Tommy Logan") who has been employed on Greevale Estste for many years, presented him with a gold-mounted watch guard and gold Maltese cross pendant, on the eye of his departure for Wellington to take charge of his cousin s business, the latter having been called away to China. Mr C. F. Dunnet made the presentation m fitting terms, and "Tommy" suitably responded. There is no doubt "Tommy", will be greatly missed, his genial . manner and oblieing disposition. making him a

general favorite. Perhaps some of the Kelsoites will provide one of their dauphters as a wife for genial "Tommy," his breed is worth perpetuating.

Man is born to mourn— and pawn

lai^fi^onraent doesn't force -a- "thief to-be honest. ' '-. ■

When fully dressed the' publican wears two- ties, his own and the brewer's. .

No beir.?; on God's green footstool is so deserving; of profound pity and help: as the hereditary drunkard.

An inventor has patented a selfsoaping washboard. What the average housewife wants is a self-washing wash-tub.

The Jew money-lender is usually a light-hearted cuss— in fact, it's doubtful'if ■he has any heart. The Jew's superfluous flesh usually runs to nose.

At Ballarat, the finder of four fivepound notes was rewarded by the loser with a tray bit to "go and have a drink." It's little touches of nature like that that don't make the whole world kin.

THE PLATE SUFFERS. About the saddest sight that I Have ever spotted yet Is the dial of a parson on A Sunday when it's wet.

■ Butler, the ex-manager of the Hobart Savings Bank, who pleaded guilty to forgery, was treated as a first offender. .The same week a boy who stole a letter m Launceston was sent to gaol for six months.

Pithy par from the "New York American" :— "By the latest bulletins, the millionaire into-gaol-break-er is still outside the walls. So are the other millionaires. It's mighty hard to get into gaol if you have money !" :

X, ■ .; ''PRICKET." BrMti:' 6ut ; the- batW \Our ; fingers itch To play the ball

Bowled down the pitch' Put. up the stumps—: The coin is spun ! The leather-hunting ' Season's come ! ■'•,..•. •

The extraordinary epidemic of influv enza that has been making life m WeM lington a m|gery for about one-third of the population recently was assisted m the cough and cold phases by the sudden cqld snap and rain of Wednesday afternoon and night. The "barking," all over the place, is most distressing to the sufferers and nearly as much so to the listeners. >

As a parson hocussed country N.Z. will have to hand over the palm to N.S.W., where the Parliament has run amok m its goody-goody legislation. Already news-agents have been summoned for selling Melbourne papers containing betting news, which it is. now ■ a crime to publish. The parson is sowing deep, but what will his harvest be ? A community of criminals, which will rise m its mighty wrath and smote 1 the clerical crowd hip; arid thigh, Hysteria, such as the present- legislation must be called, is always followed by a reaction which e»ds m the restoration of reason. ■ :'

A brazen-faced thief named Richard Wallace Taylor fell into the soup tureen at Christchurch recently on account of a bike. He stole it from a; boarder at Cockayne's boarding establishment, and rode it a week. Then he was discovered, and his track lay towards t,he police station. At court he admitted the mean theft— he had no other course open to him— and the beak made allusion to the frequent thefts of machines which goes on m the city. He said he never allowed probation m cases of this sort, and fined the accused forty bob and an extra quid for the use of the bike for a week. If he didn't pay up there was a month's toil awaiting him, without wages.

According to a story told to "Truth," Christohurch is not the only place where patients m alleged "private hospitals" are shamefully neglected. In one such place m Wellington two young ladies' v (one "run down" and the other looking, after "her), who were sent there by a; herbalist, had to do out their own room (which only contained one bed), empty slops, etc., without the aid of a pail, and, on washing days, get up early to allow of their sheets being washed, !he menage . not boasting a change of bedlinen !•; Also the proprietress of the "hospital" would go out, leaving not a bite of food m the place for her "patient" or her kind attendant. Thr» sick ' girl was ordered a milk diet and could not get so much as a drop m her cocoa. The "nurse|s" own children slept on the floor during last winter, under a heap of skirts and petticoats. No doubt the woman was desperately hard up, but she had no right to try and run a "hospital"; under such "drawback^."

Most cutting remarks are painfully Wuixt.

Did you*', ever see a butcher eating sausages?

Woman is an arrant humbug— and well she knows it.

Rumors always seem to "float round." They never fly or sink.

When Greek meets Greek nowadays the tug-of-war doesn't begin. They usually start to tal!' fish and stakataoyst. / . "l •

The piping of Pan and the pipe of peace are very small apples to the 2,500 pipes which the Exhibition organ contains.

.Sydney "Truth" says :— "The bang-inrr-up of the betting-shops will rob the Sunday-schobl man of the old excuse for stealing his boss' money."

KINDNESS. So many Gods, so many creeds, So many Ways that wind and wind, While just the art of being kind Is all this sad world needs. •.'■ ♦ • '

Good business advt. from an exchange—

Job Printing of every Description Executed with Neatnces and Despatch at the—- GSce. This should induce a lot of custom.

Only he is poor whom life hath robbed of his dreams. If it were not for his dreams, the poor man had better dte.

The danger of having a spell of fine weather m Wellington is that the parsons will organise and pray, for rain. .

Smith and Oppenheim, of Welling-: ton, are advertising in^ GJbristclnirchj for a medical practice for a^ er, and stipulating that it must be m a healthy locality: Every' medico likes a "healthy locality," Im sqrej!.

A donor who is content to hide his light under a bushel has given £1,000,000 to \ found a home for matchbox-makers. Every old woman who- sees a thorny future ahead would be well advised to prepare a haven for herself by taking up matchboxmaking as a profession.

THE SAILING SEASON

With white wings spread, And pennons gay, They're flying down . The sunlit bay ; Chorus sing— .. The jerseyed crews '".The boats are out To greet the Spring !