THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 71, 27 October 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m th c Critic 's ps go Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grandy's rage defy? An English bull, by a boarder at "Critic's" hash tower : "I wouldn't stay here a day if I was going: to be here long." • « v Woman doesn't worry half as much about wings to wear m the next world as she does about feathers to wear m this one. • '. • ■ • The man who manufactures beer Grows wealthy and is made a peer, While he who drinks the cursed stuff Is sent to gaol and called a tough. • ■ " • Little drops of whisky, with lemon juice, With a man's proboscis., . Play the very deuce. ,■■• • * . At Ballarat, the finder of four fivepound notes was rewarded .by the loser with a tray bit to "go and have a drink." It's little touches of nature like that that don't make the whole world kin. . ' •,•■■•' • THE PLATE SUFFERS. About the saddest sight that I Have ever spotted yet Is the dial of a parson on A Sunday when it's wet. Butler, the. ex-manager of the Hobart Savings Bank, who pleaded guilty to forgery, was treated as a first offender. The same week a boy who stole a letter m Launceston was sent to gaol for six months. • . ■« • Pithy par from the "New York American" :— "By the latest bulletins, the millionaire into-gaol-break-er is still outside, the walls. So are the other millionaires. It's mighty hard to get into gaol if you have money !" * • • At quiet little Geelong (Vie.) last week two perambulatory road hogs who bumped women and children m the crowded streets, were lined a fiver each. A few such fines here m Wellington would help to teach bumptious, bumping hoodlums street manners. * ♦ • . "CRICKET." Brine: out the bat— Our fingers itch To play the ball Bowled down the pitch. Put up the stumps— The coin is spun ! The leather-him' ing Season's come ! i * • The city .council of New York has passed a bylaw which makes it a punishable offence for any motorist to leave an auto unoccupied, and qualified chauffeurs are rubbine; their hands with glee. As sales of 7,000 new motors were registered m the first half of this m New York district, the "showfur" should now never be short of a job.

Mair is'"l^rt and pawn. '. '.. ; .' ». " ;v, "■'* \ ..• „ ■.■ >. ■■ Imprisonment doesn't' force a thief to be honest. * * ■ ■ • « . When fully dressed the publican wears two ties> his own and the brewer's. * • • It seems pretty certain that ' the .Exhibition won't be opened with a corkscrew after all. » c « An inventor has patented a selfsoaping washboard. What the average housewife .wants is a self-washing wash-tub. ' ■• ' ■ ■ • ■ .»■ « The man who is "full of life" may have microbes concealed about his person. And they arc as full of life as a spluttering bottle of soda. *•' ■ # The Jew monsy-lender is usually a light-hearted cuss— in fact, it's doubtful if he has any heart. The Jew's superfluous flesh usually runs to nose. *■■ • « i A spellin' reformer indicfcod For fudge and before the court cited; j The Judge said : "Enough— His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." A certaji^ sawbones m the Canterbury district is said to have fractured a matrimonial engagement, but there is another gent m the town offering to render first aid to the bride that was to have been. .« » • The Society for the Prevention of Bottle Noses should start a crusade against bad and adulterated drink. It isn't the good stuff that does the harm ; it's the liauid fire— hot enough to burn a hole m a book agent's cheek. * » ■. » The various hvnch wraps are often sadly deceived by humorous persons jn^ regard to ''send-offs." One . . chap was printed as having been entertained prior to his departure for Helmoswhere, and all the entertainment he suffered - was a couple of threepenny beers shouted by a pair of .thirsty friends. * * « When we see a few obscure partial-ly-educated parsons forming unions that do nothing; but urge the Government to force their narrow morality on the people, we may well exclaim "What is the country ; coming to ?" Would the colonists of the olden days have stood their Kerristian capers ? Not much ! « » c "One really" cannot buy the necessaries of life for £2000 a year," says the London "Times." Yet how many people have to exist and maintain large families on less than £100 —and be glad of that? It is such articles as this that preach the Gospel of Greed and the Maxims of Mammon—"the lust of gain m the spirit of Cain." ,# • . » • It is said to be established beyond dispute that the Chinese were the originators of polo. It is averred, that polo was played m China during the Tang dynasty about A.D. 600, and j the theory is that the Chinese learnt [the game from the conquered Tartars. "Critic" doesn't, believe it, neverthej less, having seen plenty, of Chows out- { side horses. They are just about '?„»! comfortable m a saddle as a cat on ] walnut shells, or a lobster iy. a pot of [boiling water. ! •■ ' • ' *. ■■! i BETRAYED. ,^ I clung to thee "*~ , :j One year aco, ' > j But now ? Ah, me !— ; i How well I know ; ' When you kissed me i And stroked my hair,And said that I Was wondrous fair, : A lie was on Your honeyed tongue—. For you were falseNo joybells rung, 'Alas ! for me— No bells, were rung, . The world is dark— My song is sung ! * + * Is it any wonder that Lionel Terrys affect a mission m life ? This is from the "Tapanui Courier" :— Presentation at Kelso.— On Friday evening last a few friends of Mr T. Lee Wah ("Tommy Logan") who has been employed on Greevale Estste for many years, presented .him with a gold-mounted watch guard and gold Maltese cfoss pendant, on the eve of his departure for Wellington to take charge of his cousin's business, the latter having been called away to China. Mr C. F. Dunnet made the presentation m fitting terms, and "Tommy" suitably responded. There is no doubt "Tommy" will be greatly missed, his genial manner and obliging disposition making him a general favorite. Perhaps some of the Kelsoites will provide one of their daughters us a wife for genial "Tommy," his breed •'s worth perpetuating.

With some parsons religion is really nothing: bUt: : C&^t 'aM//b\ladle^' i ' . ■ : '*■■•''■■ • ■ ' '• • N.Z. is likely to get some of its [own crooks back from Australia at ' Exhibition time. | ' ■ • ' -v •• • The really generous man often finds himself without the price of two beers m his pocket. •.•■-.# c « . Many .persons who steal things ] m an off-hand, amateur way, would flare up if classed with professionals. : ■•«■.» * . It used to be the brother-in-law industry, now it is the daughters who are getting the rich Civil Service plums. ..■'■*■ • • . . Because a girl bikes well it don't follow that she can pedal the piano or drive a sewing-machine with equal facility. • »■■".# The school boy of these days does not display any violent desire to run away to sea. His ambition is to make money and own a racehorse or two. • • • Amongst the vast aggregation of women who deserve pity is the one, who marries a parson, and who tries; to , live up to his unutterable good--ness until she sickens of the daily programme, and gets bitterly weary of his snuffle. Cannot the police or the immigration department take some steps to prevent the landing at our ports of the hosts of marauding "guns" ■who are now pouring into the country from Australia by every boat, attracted by the prospect of a heavy mug crop at the Zibishun ? « « • There are any number of honest, well-intentioned people m the community who save up their small chance m order to make presentations to parsons, or choir folk, just as others horde their gonce m order to back Blowfly for the Cup, or Buzz for the handicap hurdles. • • • Thus the "Waimarino News" :— "The banner of a free and independent press was unfurled m Taihape three years ago, and it has taken firm root !" What strange trees they grow at Taihape. That about puts up a record over that attained by the late lamented Sir Boyle Roche i • • • •'Were you ever guilts of doing a day's work m your life" was the question asked by one crook of another, who were accused and prosecutor respectively m an assault case at the S.M. Court during the week. A glance at the Criminal Code failed to find the nature of the offence alleged. : • * • Wj&ilingW City Councillors are nicknamed :— Hapless Hislop, Bang-the-Billy Ballinger, Gourmand Godber, Miserable Murdoch, Moribund Morrah, Marat McLean, Cocky Carmichael, Blissful Biss, Isosceles Izard, Silent Smith, Hindmost Hindmarsh, Conky Cohen, Fearful Frost, amd Windy Winder. ' •' • • From the "Post";— MATRIMONIAL— Young lady of good appearance would like to correspond with" gent ; must be strictly honourable ) looks no object ; age 25 to 40. Address May, tt.P.O. Yes, May, beauty is only skin deep. How would some of our parsons do ? The clause about honor might be the draw-back there, though. • • • A brazen-faced thief named Richard Wallace Taylor fell into the soup tureen at Christchurch recently on account of a bike. He stole it from a boarder at Cockayne's boarding establishment, and rode it a week. Then he was discovered, and his track lay towards the police station. At court he admitted the mean theft— he had no other course open to him — and the beak made allusion to the frequent thefts of machines which goes on m the city. He said he nevec allowed probation m cases of this sort, and fined the accused forty bob and an extra quid for the use of the bike for a week. If he didn't pay up ,there was a month's toil awaiting him, without wages. • ■ « • Among other things found m the house of the murdered teacher Rennie, at Papakaio were some photographs of a decidedly peculiar nature. So peculiar indeed, seeing that Renriie himself posed for more than one of them, that they stamp the owner as having been an individual of extraordinary mind, if not an actual sex pervert. Police Commissioner Dinnie is reported, and only ~e ported, to have said that the ponric pictures had no connection with the tragedy, and had the whole collection burned. No connection with the tragedy ? Why, they might be the key to the whole of the dark mystery. Maybe its non-solution is undesirable. Better, perhaps, for the hallowedness of that mysoginistic sohool-man's lonely grave*

Whatspr)b of hours are the men em-, ployed m '.■the ; . Botanical Gardens sup- , [posed to work ? Seven thirty a.m. to ten p.m: is a bit more than eight, hours a day, Mister Gleim. Eh, what? The Mongol is waking up. He now proposes tb establish consulates m foreign rarts: of the world to conserve ■-. ttfcpj. Chow's interests. It is hardly necessary: for Australasia where the Law always seems to favor the yellow hybrid. One cheer more for a "White- New Zealand. •■» • I Some of the boarders at the Commercial Hotel got such a scare when the fire next door was announced that j they rushed out without stopping to pull on more than pants and overcoat. By the time they had got over their panic it really was too late to return. ..and carry out their shirt, tooth .brush and sox. , The driver of a motor, car was rescued out of an awkward predicament by the Feilding Borough sanitary horse and cart the other night. The car was stuck m a heap of 'gravel off Manchester-street, and the only aid, although rather undignified, was welcome. Evidently a case of one good stink deservinsr another. The crawlsome, toadying section of the community will have a chance of securing some etchings, alleged to be the work' of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, at the Exhibition. They are located m the British section, and are for sale. Let's see, wasn't there a royal pair of stockings raffled at a big charity bazaar held m Melbourne a few years back ? • * ' • The beautiful statuary selected by Sir joe Wand for the adornment of the balls of the Exhibition 'ias arrived m a, shattered, useless condition. The 500 quids' worth: looks as though somebody had been blowing it up with dynamite. The damned Dagos who packed it were guilty of gross negligence ;< the figures weren't packed at all, but just slung into cases. The only use to which the stuff can be put now is to lay it down on the sidewalks for binding purposes. • • « As a paffson hocussed country N.Z. will have to hand over the palm to N.S.W., where the Parliament has run amok m its goody-goody legislation. Already news-agents have been summoned for selling Melbourne papers containing betting news, which it is now a crime to publish. The parson is sowing deep v but what will his harvest be ? A community qf criminals, which, will rise m its mighty wrath and smote the clerical crowd hip and thigh. Hysteria, such as the present legislation must be called, is always followed by a reaction which ends m the restoration of reason. • ! '■ • • • ' »-■•/■-■.■ | The "Post" is a humorist of a i grim kind. In reporting the evidence lof the mother of the baby on a charge of killing which the 'baby farmer, Mary Annie Guy, is now under committment, it first called her "Beliar", Smith, instead of "Bellairs''—which it is. very rude to call a lady a liar— and then made her state that shortly after the death of her infant it was treated at the hospital for sore eyes, and then she took , charge of it and it was strong and healthy. Tha* poor little s?aif ssems to have had "her second time oa earth," if the "Post" fc to ;» Relieved. : ■•■•■-.■* * . • ') Having had it so thoroughly demonstrated by the late fires that under the control of the City Council Wellington's Fire Brigade cannot cope with big outbreaks, the new FireBoard, when constituted, must do its duty by the citizens and place the brigade on a level with those of Australian cities. The devastation of Lambton-quay has by more than one person been laid to the door of Mayor Hislop and the doddering idiots m whose hands the too important ques- I tion of an effective fire-fighting bri- j Igade has rested. One lesson taught iby the fire is the. sqoner the Council hand over the control of the brigade [the better for all. « • • Wellington "sassiety" is a weird i fowl ! One of its brood hens, a fidgetty one at that, wanted to entertain her cackling friends at a morning itea (cheap way of wiping off scores) so she 'phoned the kiosk and ordered a screened table and a lot of extras, over and above the usual sixpennorth of tea and cake. Her party consisted of eight persons, and after they'd loaded and primed, the two new girllessees charged her 9d per head. Next .day they received a letter of ' four pages accusing them of robbing her, saying she suttingly could not recommend them to her friends (aellov a lot of good the recommend of such a hen could do 'em. What she really meant was that she'd lay herself out to injure them !■) and so on, To avoid trouble the struggling girls handed the woman back the extra tray a nob, eciuals 2s, and the Wellington sassiety lydy— took it ! They ought to jalap hen tea nest time she goes up.