THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 68, 6 October 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who .can undaunted brave tho Critic's rage ? Or note u_movedbis mention m tho Critic's pn gp Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? The bone of contention— a politician's jawbone. ■» • * Most grass widows make hay while the moon shines. • -■'.* * Always tell the truth— if you want to make trouble. • •• • Adam's, favorite song was "When the leaves begin to fall;" . • • • . ' . 'Failure -comes after trying— that is why some men never fail. • •# • ' •» . • A man may smile and smile and be a villain— or a born idjot. • • • It's a cold day when __. savage wife can't make it hot for her husband. ■ . * ■. * - ■ ' » . Every post office and pillar box should bear the legend "post no bills." . * * * A woman who follows a last year's fad might as well wear a hat out of fashion. • .* • A politician's speeches should be like a fox-terrier's tail— 'brief and to the point. • . . • '* "Think much, say little, write less" is an excellent motto applicable to the would-be journalist. •• ■ • The average man is , perfectly willing to make a. fool of himself if -it will please some woman. ••' * ■ Sunday-school Teacher .: Johnny, what is a fowl ? Johnny (a boxing enthusiast) : A punch below the belt. • • • A country subscriber writes objecting to the parson m his town riding a racehorse to work on the Sunday., To work, eh ? The parson or the horse? • ' '■ > * • Man must have, some devil m him to be Worth saving. St. Peter would not buy the souls of Wellington saints at the "eighteen m a 'bag for i. sprat" rate. • • * A Dago fish-seller up country m N.S.W. gave the profits of his Satur-r day's business to the local hospital recently, and they panned, out £20. A profit of £20 m one day shows that the stakataoysitta joint must jpay handsomely. No wonder the greasy Dago puts on "dog." j•a . a "A want that has long been felt m Martinborough is that of a courthouse. At present the business of the court is conducted m a stable at the back of i the police station. Surely. '' the law is a hass' when its affairs are conducted m a stable," complains a local paper. "Critic" joins issue. Justice that isn't stable is not Justice at all. •_-_•■• • j HANDED DOWN TO US. In ancient times, when Mr Noah Was building up the Ark, He hit his thumb upon tho nail And, passed a rude remark ; , And so right to the present day No man can strike his thumb . 'Thout using words that damn his chance Of reaching Kingdom Kum ! • • » It was at a God-forsaken little station on the northern line that a lady who had not long been m the country arrived, the other evening, and, after the manner of her class pro-! ceeded to patronise the porter, who happened to be a Greek of independent, homeruley views. Said she pompously : "Do you- think it will rain; porter, to-night ?" Said the porter : "The divvle a bit, mam, will it. It rains wathe'r here, mam, just the same as army. other place_"-

Four poor little Hutts burnt down at Te Awamu-iu, ',. ■o._o '•.'.J.'V'M-^'---->:V--»s*«~-'y.":'- ■••• '•■•"- --»'r'-O- >-:.-\'.'t .;••- -■•"-:■-';' ■■;'-.-• ••.W-i,t-^y-e<ceU^nt^wl-ne.-.-at';ls-per bottle m Japan, ; aM-tist . „ny man can afford _to run for . Parliament • '■--• ','«.■ '• Gruel to achieve nine children one at a time arid lose four of them m one . fell stroke by fire*. ■ .-» ■-■■'• • • The title of a Presbyterian sermon last Sunday was. ''His Keet." What next will the parsons talk about ? . »' . • • '. • The country editor's steel pen is ■ 'sometimes, very, sharp— after the scis*' . sors-to-grind man has finished withthem. •«;..■■■'■ 9 / ' Some of the "nob women who predict fpr themselves a brilliant future take fine care to forget all about their past; -.■..-» m M ysPhe cohentingenter has one saving grace, these times, ahd that is the unanimity with whioh he is ashamed to own it. * .. v ■ * "All fhe world's a stage and every man's an actor," but the role of the hypocrite seems to be overdone— in Wellington, anyhow. Oh, Nature's equalising plan Controls our 'longings pliant ; The big girl loves the little man, And he adores his giant. * : *. * The curse of the Boer-baiting craze extends even to the. disfiguration and debasing of the Cook landing memorial on Poverty Bay beach. Talk about the Goths and Huns' ! ' » ■ . ' • * . Cambridge had a similar horror to the Hutt-Te Awamutu holocaust, m! 1885. Same number (4) of children burned m the parental whare while the parents were out Saturday-nigh-t---ing. .».''■-, . •'.. A o The Council will fence the pond m Newtown Park when somebody's darling has been drowned fatally dead. Pity it could not happen to be a Councillor's kid. Lord, how quickly, that fence Would go up ! »-■'•'. • A speaker at a Taranaki Educational Board meeting said all great men were shocking bad hand-writers. "Critic" adopted an undecipherable scrawl the other day and was bluntly told that he was either drunk or a blanky fool. * * ' • _ The .stunted mind m the stunted body is impossible to avoid so long as 'children oi from 7£ years upwards are made slaves to the cow. And m 19 cases out of 20 the cow's owner could well afford to pay wages to farm hands to do the work. „ ' * * * In the Wairarapa district this season' -dairymen do not intend to raise any calves except heifers from choice cows. Bull calves are said to be doomed m toto. as not 'paying to feed and care for. And then we wonder why the price of meat does hot come down. ■ • '.*■'' * The Seddon Memorial. A short time ago it was - m everybody.-. mouth. Now how soon is the great dead forgotten? -The Waimate County _ Council have decided to do nothing m. the matter. All over the colony the circular and subscription list is just allowed "to lie on tin.: table." *• • • The "Taihape Post" has a funny way of saying it's sorry. Ptead what it had to say of one Mc'Tavish : "A marked -degree of relief was manifefited m Taihape on Monday when the news was received , t that ■ Mr McTavish was suffering fr-om 'an attack of neuralgia m the nerves of the 'remaining, portion of his leg." * • • Civilisation apparently has not reached Tapanui, where one road if.* at present a disgrace to civilisation. Ruts exist that would bury" a horse, and the track is absolutely dangerous for vehicular traffic after dark. Tapanui-ites ought to come to Wellington, where some of the streets are a disgrace to— the City Corporation . * •» a One explanation of the mysterious way m which letters disappear after being dropped into a post office receiving box has just come to. light, says the "Taranaki Daily. News." A newspaper loosely tied m the middle with a piece of -string, was posted m a street box, and was duly, delivered. On being opened by the addressee, a small cloud of letters fluttered on the floor. There were .15. The Newspaper had apparently rested m the receiving box with thg, ldqse end upwards, and the letters subsequently posted dropped into thc folds and became wedged. The- post office now requests the public to tie newspapers at both ends before posting. Anyhow,' why don't the post office-, people see that the sheep are separated from the goats.

It's the mug owner who helps tei keep the turf going. . .. "•'-'- 'Vy ■':■■'■ '• „. . * Gin has no connection with ginger.beer, though they are frequently wedded m a pub. ' * » •* Some people w4th a grievance make a great deal of it, and they, like to sing the chorus., ■ * . '- ' * - , ■ ». Many an individual isn't content ' with having, "a finger in" the pie." He sticks his whole fist In. • . • • « ' •' • : Credibility isn't always the object aimed at m an irresponsible conver-, sation wtych keeps the recording angel busy. : -.-» f - The cove who has the most puncti-' lious regard for' keeping an appointment is the one who, having been celled over-night, is at Court right on time m the morning. ■» - • ■ .- • • . The most glaring fairy tale teller one sees m courts these days is the moustache-stained, beer bibbing, prohibited josser who doesn't know where he got his illicit grog. .-» » * There is a good deal of window., decorating happening m Christchurch" just now. Everywhere one tramps, or bikes, or wheels a pram he is faced by the legend "Board and residence." • * • . One bumps against persons every day whose constitutions won't allow them, to shine m any bibulous capacity, yet who will handle a glass as lona: as you offer to pay for its contents. . •» • a What will ihe fair sex be coming at next? A country paper stated recently that. two. strapping daughters of the bush entered for the log-chop-ping- 'contests.! and "gave a Splendid-' display. "0 .What V is that' way back paper yhihtmg at ? . . '»■ '■•. .'"*•'. '•'■«■_ The Hawera Prusbyterians recently wanted a sky-pilot and "called" the Rev. W. W. Bro;wn, of Limestone Plains, Southland. As the stipend is £275 and free residence, the call was hearkened unto. Those "Prusbyterians" ougjht to have given 'a chancq to that southern parson who Spreads the Word at £35 per annum. • •»'■-•#• A squad of bluejackets from the warship Challenger, while the ship was at Dunedin, visited Gore for "a day m. the country." On their arrival they found Gore was a prohibition town, and they fled as from a raging pestilence. And well they blight. A prohibited town* may well be likened to a city of the dead. ■», . * . * • . In a theatre box the night after a race meeting m Wcstralia recently, a successful punter lit a cigar with a five-pound note, and let the charred flimsy flutter down amid the orches--tra. The fool act is reminiscent of sonic of the flash pranks m the old. roaring days on the West Coast and Thames diggings. It is any odds on that bounder needing that fiver very badly before he's done. "•#■■•''■■»'■ . •■» Qbadiah is. in deep woe and things,, down at Christchurch, to judge by an "offertory note" picked up m the highway and sent to this office. Tt is one of the Church of St. Jchiy the Baptist, Latimer-square, and i r tells a terrible tale of shortage am 1 , lean famine, so to speak. It shows that on Sep. 9 the plate panned out only £1 17s 2d m the morning and £2 12s 7d m the evening or a total for thc Loard's day of £4= 9s Od. There is a footnote to the effect thai; it requires- £G a week to meet current ex's, exclusive of the parson's stipend. Gosh ! Where are the elect, that a swell church like St. John's can't raise more than £4- Us Od on a Sunday. What a devil of a lot of deadheads there must be m that congregation. • t-. . » The police broke up a two-up school m Christchurch thc other day, the members of which -were all females. NEXT, PLEASE J They've got the franchise, that being so, we're slaves unto the parson, And life's s 0 dull we're ripe for crime, from burglary to arson. The decrs invade cur every line, our souls arc sorely vexed.; We never know ono moment what the sh-as are up to next ? ■'Tis long since now that women punters stepped into the ring, And to the ■ brass-lunged bookmakers the gauntlet down did fling ; . Though, for the most part parsonled, there's still some give a text To hang a dreary sermon on ; what will' the shes do next ? i But hitherto the giddy kip and eke the spinning browns ( Were left unto the silly males to "do" their hard-earned crowns ; But, now the women take the kip and holler, greed-iinsexed, "A quid here tails, a quid no heads." What will the shes do next ?

When M-aoriland imports money irom Hingland dtyimpdrte^elit;;'" 0,0 : '■*' -' ''••■'' . .v To ascerid m, a balloon is .simple, but when you want to come down the earth may hot be there— or it may be there too quick. * * • ■ 'A man may have courage enough to love two women at the same time, .but. he certainly -ought to have too .much sense to try it., There are stacks: of staid, well positioned 1 women m New tZ-eaiand who years ago bbionged to the noble army of flighty females that take prfesente and have a past. .' ■"■ V a ■ ' V Eleven proprietors of newspapers m the South Island have followed the lead of a number of Northern publishers m asking for an enquiry into the methods of the Press Association. Some scoops have been missed evidently ! * •* * ■A brass-buttoned street patroller ran m an extremely dirty individual for drunkenness lately, and the man did 2_ hours. On coming out he got swankeyfied again, and was Jugged by the same peeler. But latter didn't know him. He had washed his race. #.. • • "We must put our heads together and face this thing and make a clean breast of it," said a Westland Borough Councillor m the rush of a* torrent of eloquence at the Council meeting the other evening. Evidently that councillor tripped over his own face, j '■ .' . Concerning the improper feeding of infants a Christchurch medico says any number of cases have come under his notice of women deliberately "stopping?' their milk m order to preserve, their figures, the babies being, nourished on' advertised trash which often kills them., ■-••-. '■'.■*'--. •».'»''■»■ There is an almost complete famine m -ihe boy market. Higji wages are offered (by sgme firms— others still try, to sweat, as witness the city house that advertised last week for a '"boy," shorthand and typist, and offered 10s a week !) 'but good, reliable • boys are not obtainable. It has got so now that breeding boys is a better game than even breeding cows. ■ • *■ a "Wanted, a Christian youth, 17 to 20, for office work," was the tenor of an ad. m a recent issue of the "Post." Did the advertiser expect to be rushed by Yid youths, or is he one of those pharisees who sticks his religion under the snouts of his customers while he picks their pockets ? Let us hope, if the latter, that liis Christian youth will do the usual with his class, i.e., guy a whack with the funds, some fine day. , * •* ' - * No wonder Canada forges ahead. Yearly its wheat crop licks creation. At the rate it is going it will be the world's granary. This year m the State of Manitoba over 100,000, 000 bushels of wheat will be ready for exportation. Of course these enormous yields mean employment, and over 20,000 -men are required to harvest the grain,, -and it is calculated that the transportation companies will not be able to convey it m .the next twelve months. -•»'■'. » » .. • The action of three American lady tourists m snapshotting Japanese society ladies while taking baths m c. bath, house at Dogo Hot Springs, Tyo province, has caused intense resentment. The Japanese ladies, as soon as they could put on their clothing, went m a body to the police station, and protested against the conduct of the visitors as an outrage on good taste. The chief of police accordingly went to the Funaya Hotel, demanded to see the Americans and confiscated the objectionable negatives. • «- • Two delightful little dears with wonderful imaginations 'have come to light m the country. The other day, at the Hamilton S.M. Court, a young girl was brought before Mr Northcroft, for her misconduct m raisinp a burglar scare m Hamilton recently, which she said was intended for a "joke." His Worship pointed out thr seriousness of her. offence, showed her what persistence m such "very silly jokes" meant, and with a few words of advice, ordered her to come. up for sentence when called upon. Again down at Bruce, the local police had a complaint made that a . young girl' had been outraged m the borough by a young man, a stranger to the district. On examination into the circumstances the police could not discover proof of the -girl's statement, and medical examination failed to corroborate it. The circumstance gave rise to several ugly rumors, which lost nothing in 'the 'retailing, but the facts .are as given. Perhaps another little joke. With such mantraps lying about, the male's lire is not worth the living. If the little dears got a damn good birching, others would think twice ere they perpetrated such rib-ticklers.