THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 66, 22 September 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

•Who can undaunted bravo the Critic's rage? notennmoved hisniention m the Critic's pagf? i Parade his error m the public eye 1 And Mother Grundy's rage defy? The favorite color of the Yellow 'Pup is the color of the* Chinaman. • * * You would never find a » love letter or a. bank note between the leaves, of .the police court bible. •» - * They feed' the fish with oatmeal -at Kaiapoi domain. A little whisky m their' water would make them entirely Scotch. • • a All &oods made m a factory should' ■he marked. A man should know ■what he is payin~ for when buying a. ; ,suit of clothes— whether they axe ;i tailor-made or factory. • * * *•. ; M m<an named Nevins got 3 months'' irecently at Masterton for leaving his 'family to starve m the district while 'he went around x doing the heavy. There are plenty of the Nevins type m Wellington who deserve alike dose.

There doesn't appear to be much provision for checking fires on board ships which carry a goodly number of men besides passengers., Pubs are compelled to do so m the matter' of -erecting fire escapes, but on board ships one hasn't got much chance.; ■ ' • • ._» . • A' Gisborne wire states that Mr L. B. Blackwell, of Newcastle, Australia, has been appointed borough engineer. Australia ! Let's see, isn't that the country where all the riffraff come from ? Poor Gisborne ; like the beggar, it cannot be a, "chooser., _ • • ■«.■_■ Because thirteen, that darned unlucky number, orders have been given for pianos m the Pelorous Sound district, the "Guardian" considers it an indication of prosperity. No matter what it -indicates those thirteen pianos will be conducive to much profanity m the future. • ■ '• « "Jack the Biffer," as he loudly loves to call himself, leaned over the bar of the Masonic one evening to say something to Olive, who, mistaking what he called himself, referred to him as "Jack. the Ripper," and then she wondered what she had said to offend him— the silly boy.

The Awatuna correspondent of the "Opunake Times," whose supply of dog-fights falling, short m his humming metropolis a few weeks back led him to get terribly tangled up m a lady-on-a-bike-on-a-steep-road tragedy, and which caused "Critic" to comment on the fact, 'corresponds as follows to his paper : "I noticed a paragraph m the Wellington "Truth" commenting on my notes re a lady cyclist who had a difference of opinion with her machine. What a wonderfully clever lot they must be to come to the conclusion that the lady m question was unable to hold on to her bike." Stop, sonny, the lot is all you say of it, but it cannot help it. And just to think the lady managed to hold on after all, and to think the clever lot thought otherwise,

Cheapness means poverty— and so idoes dearness for that matter. • • * People go out of their way to help the successful . man ; the poor, but honest, hattler can go to the devil. '■'''»■' •'•.■' • Noted, that wherever man-o'-war's .men are treated best, that place is "the finest and most beautiful spot m the colony." It's one's belly that' does speak after all. * ■_■■■* » Fifty-eight gentlemen of Cambridge have signified their willingness to become members of a club it is propo-' sed to start there, says an exchange. There are regular ,' forty times m store for Cambridge,, seemingly.

A man whose kiddies had played the wag was fined £2 6s at Auckland t'other day. "How much, mister ?" he said to Dyer, S.M. When told again, he ejaculated, "Oh, Heaven !" He probably meant "Oh, Hell !" but environment prevented him saying it. aaa' A rumor went round Auckland last Saturday night that Lord Plunket was dead. Fortunately it was without foundation, but, by the number of drunks that were to be seen same night, one might have thought that— but we mustn't be unkind. Bill ain't a bad old sort, anyway, for a Lord. • * • When nice girls get photographed m their night-dresses, with their pretty little tootsies peeping out and their hair down "m rich profusion," they should be very careful and not lose the proofs ih the public street. Two . pair--pictures as described have been found oh Clyde-quay and sent m to this office, where the indiscreet ladies ' may recover them, by calling. ■ ' • . • ■';.'.'*■' A man charged with failing to-pro-vide for the maintenance of his wife and children at Dunedin, stated that he had been unable to get wotk for fourteen man ths. He was a clerk by occupation, but had tried for a job at anything. His Worship : "I cannot understand any young man coming before me and saying that he had not beeai able to get any work for fourteen months." Evidently a case ; [Of "I am waiting for its coming, but it never seems to come." ! . 1 That hard-up Dunedin chinkie who took down the Benevolent Trustees by drawing 5s a week for himself and another 5s for his. poor old brother (who didn't exist), recalls the West ..Coast old age pensioner who drew his mate's pension and then, went home and buried him. The corpse.' wouldn't keep a single day, longer rafter the Ist of the month.. • a a . The Canterbury College Board . of . Governors have declined Vith great .-emphasis to re-open the ladies' read-ing-room at the Public. Library. The way women operated with scissors on some periodicals, arid the way , other periodicals disappeared— "blown out of the window, perhaps— was a> fair caution. So the ' staircase was locked for good.

At the Pakuranga Hunt Club'smeeting last, Saturday there was no "tote" and the 'hookies had an innings. The odds they offered were so microscopic it needed a powerful glass to discover them at all. And all the punters exclaimed with a loud voice, "Oh, Law !" •** * ' Some people say that those telegrams from Peter of Auckland are all damrot, about fighting the trusts. They say that the champion muscle grinder or whatever he is, is talking under his hat, all the time ; that his prices aren't . under, but rather over, other prices for flour ruling elsewhere. 'Twas ever thus. When some Virtue-ous cove tries to do good, he always has his traducers.

An old dame of the boozer class made a horrible bloomer at Christchurch last week. She had been m a Home before, and on being charged with whisky and water, she, rather than be gaoled, offered to go back to the gloomy institution for three months. The beak said six. Otherwise he ! d fine lier a fluid or 48 hours. She took the six, but lamented the fact m sorrowful accents afterwards, for if she went to quod she'd be free m 48 hours. Her distressing remarks on making the awful discovery resembled the moaning of a sick blowfly on a cracked window-pane.

A Gore district farmer lost a valuable hack the other day under rather unusual circumstances. The horse was tied up as usual m the stable at night, but on the owner going into the stable m the morning he found the animal seated on his haunches, quite dead. The unfortunate horse had apparently been pulling back, and pulled himself to a standstill. This is the only reasonable explanation, although, on the other hand, the horse was never known to pull back previously, remarks tho Gore "Ensign." Well, he whoa'd back this time all right.

"Critic" is obliged to confess that m "God's Own Country" we get the Devil's own weatber. *"* • M ] A country paper discussing Mr 'Pure-boy Bligh's mission, says that m dealing with his subject he takes off the gloves. No doubt Mr Bligh uses the raw-uns every time. * » • There has been an egg-laying competition at Blenheim and the hens have been most prolific. Now is this ; a forecast of political disturbances and dissolution of Parliament. • . -a "The gentleman and farmers "of Runterville have decided to form a club," says a correspondent m the "Mangaweka Settler," and the type of individual that correspondent is may be easily imagined, ■ » * • "The one chosen Promised Land of the whole world," is the advertisement description of New Zealand, according to Mr Tanner. M.H.R." And there is no desert about this chosen Promised Land'; but there is plenty "of mud. »- •» . •« A defendant m a court case at Wavkaia the other day, who was conducting his own defence,' was asked by the magistrate if he had any more questions to ask the witness. He had a very pertinent one, viz., "How many more lies the witness was going to tell." • a . * * The Sanson correspondent of the Manawatu "Standard" says that recent cold winds have played haVoc with the early lambs, and m some cases 50 per cent, of those born have died. This, as one country, paper once remarked,, is "immorality' 7 among sheep with a vengeance. * ■ .* •* Magistrate Riddell has beeii visiting "gross indecent acts," as the "Lor" calls the performance of nature's call, with terms of imprisonment, saying that such offences are ■becoming far too common. This may be so, bdt public urinals are by no means common m Wellington, and Magistrate Riddell ought to be i made aware of the fact,

Magistrate Riddell threw a bomb m the police camp the other day, when he dismissed a charge of drunkenness against an individual, who, from the dock, contradicted the arresting trap's sworn statement that the prisoner was dhrunk,'yer Washup. Now, if any drunk denies the fact the "oorce" will 'be ready, to swear it smelled his "breff."

Gaiety and light spirits do much towards remedying a bad liver, and the Awatuna correspondent of the *'Opunake Times" recommends the newly published "Awatuna East Herald" to all such sufferers, "as it. is really a wonderful paper,", and they would do well by subscribing to it. Now, is this another stab m the •dark at our reptile contemporary. * • ■'. * When a man's "potty" it isn't judicious to accost a peeler on par- ' ade, and insist on him entering a pub . and sampling a flagon of incomparable old wine, or local beer at a , tanner a pint.' He might as well ask his spiritual adviser m. One George McKinley sought to inveigle Constable Martin into a pub at Sydenham (Christchurch)' one night this week, and when the peeler politely refused and walked away McKinley fol- | lowed him, yelling at him loudly, and drawing a big crowd. The result was that it cost the drinky one la quid, or seven days, for disorderly [conduct.

Gore must be a bosker place to live the good, social life, m fact that of the giddy little town of the giddy little curate isn't m it. There is a Mutual Improvement Society, and now and again there is a question bee and the giggling little dears of the silly sex are called on to answer such conundrums as :V "Would you rather marry for love or money, and to whom ?" "Is it fair for the young men to go to other districts for wives ?" "Do you believe m socalled fate?" "Is love essential to a happy marriage ?" and "Does the self-made man derive more satisfaction from life than the one born to fortune ?" No questions are put concerning the birth-rate though.

Although brewers make enormous profits the men they employ are paid most ridiculous wages. It is the same m every brewery m the colony, and while the bloated bosses live m affluence, the men have all their time cut out to pay their way. At Christchurch the brewery men. have sickened of this disgraceful state of affairs and have formed a Union. The result has been to obtain slight concessions—so slight as to be scarcely visible— and it almost broke #ie bosses's hearts to grant 'em. However, when the men bring these plutocratic people before the Arbitration Court the public will learn somethin "• that will surprise them ; and ma , -'" i r something the brewers would fain keep secret.