THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 60, 18 August 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade his error m the public oye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy? , There is no time like the pleasant ! ••• ' • • I There are few, politicians who aren't amoodgers. , * . v ■ ' ,m Where there's a will .there's a chump, t to dispute it. * '* • Being out of work helps to embiirter one's character. •. . ■ * ■ # Ohoir people aren r t expected to he as pious as they look., • • * The most definite thin"; about; any sort of litigation is kosts," '»* . * ■ The very amateur poet is only, honored is his own hash-house. • . • • Churohgoing with a certain class of citizen and citizeness is merely, showy, humbug. •♦ v . ! Not even a solitary drunfc^at the Police Court on Tuesday. 'Appy isitt, ain't it ? • * * The man who oozes sanctity all | over shouldn't be touched for fear of defilement. ■ • * * None but the brave deserve tfc^ fare, remarked the cabman, as he' stoushed u-o would-be bilker. •• # , The religion of many who are fore- j ed to go to hospitals rhould be marked down as "Bacchanalian." • ' * \ ■ ' ■ m The flowing periods of the gasser are only a circumstance to the flowing beer he sinks afterwards. • • • Sly grog- selling is now an accepted industry at Oamaru, and numerous people are striking out boldly on ftbe line to fortune. " • * * Mr 'Alfred Hill has gone to Sydney to import fiddlers for the Exhibition. What's wrong with importing a Commissioner or two ? •• • • "Sheep-lifting" has attained to the dignity of a science m the South Island. They are now actually prigging the animals off the trains like luggage. • * * , Undertakers as a ' whole seem to think that the Health Department is too darned energetic. Well, the undertakers as a whole always want to fill a hole. I • • * "Young lady wishes to join small dramatic company, m suburbs.; no salary required ; will give premium." Said young lady, is doubtless being rushed*. I

'/At thSjßplice Court.— Attorney . '(to, : tkesg r )v': •" : JtfiL#; ffm ; bedii crbss-eiamination before?" Witness (sadly): "Haven 7 ,* Ijj tVhy, I'm a married man." . . . .••'.;*'' n ■ . ' An old form of lunacy lias appeared at Lyttelton— the mucli. cursed walking contest to '- Governor's. Bay and back. Well, a pub. is fortunately located at both ends. If Hon. "Slops" will only repaint his much faded verandah facia m Queen-street as a thanks offering, Auckland would have something to be thankful for, right away. * • # Mayor Myers says Auckland is the finest city m the colony. Certainly its beer swilling proclivities' ain't to be beaten by any >ther trwn we've landed on to ; date, yer -Washup. * * *. T'other night tba new worker m the cause astounded the Dorccs meeting by her heart-breaking story qf a poor woman's destitution— "Husband dead two years. Baby a month old." .*■ * * The wife of' *a Wellington .sea cantain has eloped, and he is now. advertising that he will not be responsible for her debts. He took her for a mate and no>v. she has proved a skipper:'. . '.'•»■ ■ « « You cannot cleanse the woman who h'ac slipped from the narrow path of respectability by keeping her 12 hours a day toiling at a wash-tub. 'Tis the practice of the 'Opeless 'Omes, however. * • * Mail bags and valuables, sent by train, aren't too well looked after m the South Island, but explosives— oh, my ! They are treated with loving care and reach their destination all right; ' * ■ * ' * "■■■'. ■ 'A country paper sententiously remarks :-' Spring advancing coyly. Speaking • for Wellington, '•Critic. would like to observe that she , is not merely coy, here ; she's absolutely frigid. ,•' • • Mormon Senator Smooth, of America, who has several' wives, has " :on declared by the Senate Investigation Committee to have no right to a seat m the Upper House, which is J pretty rough on Smooth. * . ■ .• • The Government should acquire Bellevue Gardens, as a public resort. It is cruel to think of the lovely place being cut up into lots, sold, and built over, as is now resolved by the owners. • ' .' • ; * 'A clergyman wrote to a religious publication : *'A young" womar, died m my neighborhood yesterday white I was preaohins ' the gospel m a .beastly state of intoxication." Open confession is good for the soul ! • * • One country paper, criticising the leader m another paper on Sirjoe, assails the editor thus : "Your sickening adulteration of Sir Joseph Ward." The kindest thing "Critic" can say is, it seems a bit mixed. Since " Truth's " article on the treatment of the inmates of the Home for the Aged and Needy, things have improved. The poor old souls get their food hot instead of cold, and a cup, of hot tea instead of cold water. * '■-..* * •-. Though the police Hye given a good deal of time m trying^to solve i..j "severed hand" mystery yb Temuka, and also the mysterious disappearance from that town of- Mrs James Miles, both continue to be clouded iv mystery. ... - •* * ■ Devil's pool m hotels is prohibited \r* law, but the law says nothing against the totalisator, or the fact that- New Zealanders send hundreds of thousands out of the country to "Tattersall,, 1 ' for sweep tickets, every, year. • ' » '». ■ . For not registering a dog at Ballarat, a man was fined 2s 6d. For subsequently getting drunk on the strength of it, he parted with ss. Later on, for assaulting . the dog, he got 10s or 24 hours. He leads a dog's life* alright. At Ohiro Home, where they grab all the old age pensioners' little allowance, it is stated that old people are walloped and put to bed m the daytime, if they happen to jar the temper of the main guy. Just like so many naughty kids. • * • McLeod, the victim of the Flemington racecourse tragedy, is claimed by a St. Arnaud parson as a former scholar m his Sunday school. The sky pilot seems to derive some personal gratification from this sometime association with ' the dead welsher, and presumably the Sunday school, also, feels a glow of pride m its collective bosom. There's no accountincr. for tastes.-,

• . A' business ..man who'-xecently visited a Paimerston Norttf bakehouse noticed (says a. Manawatu paper) that the. person who was filling tarts with jam used his forefinger as a spoon, and sucked it each ,tiinc he was about to take a fresh supply, of jam. • * ♦ Last year's "butter-fat" ball at Hikurangi (Nortli Auckland) having proved a great success, the directors of the dairy company have decided to repeat the function this year. Which goes to prove that the affair of last year was no milk and water thing. ■ ...*.■ • * ■ * . ■• A V.M.C.A". man, whose nose is redder than the cherry, told a clergyman that he never took any strong drink, barring the necessary night-cap of whisky. "Then," replied the cleric, "your face is like my gas-meter. Registers more than 'goes through it." The Wakatipu Company's dredge was sold at the Warden's Court, Queenstown, on Saturday last, and realised £33. It; is still a risKy matter tp talk dredging to some who contributed towards the cost of erecting £10,000 plants, which are now almost unsaleable. •■•« • ■ ■ Every man Jack of the Christchuroh nabs, who employ rouseabouts and coachmen and other people "as gardeners will have to face the music on Aug. 16, when some men may. unexpectedly get a rise m screw. The rouseabout nowadays is generally described as "gardener and useful." . ♦ • ■ ' • ' • '■ The -curious country paper makes a discovery : "A Sydney cablegram on Saturday gave the displeasing information that Queensland ticks shad been discovered on catstle at Tweed Heads." Seeing that Tweed Heads is on the N.S.W.-Queensland border, the information isn't so startling after all. . • * . • « . . « ■ The; subject of a recent sermon at a Canvastown • Methodist Church was "Football and athletics and their relation to Christianity." "Critic" doesn't know what the preacher had to say o,n the matter ; but he has met a few sheepish curates m his time and they looked sadly m need o£ a course of Sandow. « « ■» What an exchange calls an instance of misplaced confidence, occurred during the recent perambulations of the Cashmere Hills by a lady m search of a "leetle drop for a sick husband." Amongst the houses visited was that of the Rev. L. M. Isitt ! Well might Dives cry out to Lazarus for one drop of water. •• " ■ * *. Sir joe, will be 'relieved to hear that no less an august body than the Hamilton No-License League have, m solemn conclave assembled, signified their gracious approval of the appointment of "Slops" Fowlds and McNab to the Ministry. What Millar has done to be left out m the cold exchange doesn't say. • •» . • A Melbourne "Argus" matrimonial advt. :— "Recluse, 'beyond want, occupyinp; little low-roofed bungalow on idyllic river bend, weary of isolated solitude, desires correspond with home-loving woman, not averse to the holy bond ; no chits. Sylvan Dell." "Not averse to holy bond" is real good. So is "no chits !" ' # ' ■■ « ' ♦ • ' . From a country paper : The Rev. Arthur Dewdney will preach to-mor-row morning on "The Kingdom of God," and m the evening on "Pigs and profit preferred' to Jesus and the Betterment of Men !" Pigs and profit sounds quite "Truth "-like. Why nc. cows and cash, bullocks and boodle, mutton and money, etc., etc.? • •' • Wellington after all is not the sole place where "pebbles" are placed on newly-metalled roads. A boulder weighing -lifts -has been left at the Damievirke "Advocate" office as a sample of what "County Councils are capable of when it is a case of metalling a road. Anyhow, this sort of metal will be useful at the election of the County Councillors. • » • The sight of a kid m knickers emptying a letter pillar-box m Moxhamavenue, Kilbirnie, and gleefully showing the post cards to a group of his young companions, is not one calculated to inspire confidence m the secrecy or the safe carriage of "His Majesty's" mails. Any .wonder letters go astray and the people are put to a lot .of silly damned humbug m trying to trace them ■? • ' > * * Honesty is not always the best policy ! One day last week "Critic" received a penny too much change from a tram-conductor and bearing the old adage m mind handed the surplus "bean" back to the conductor with the remark "you gave me too much change." "Did I?" was the ungracious reply of the conductor, av> he pouched the penny without a "thank you." Next time "Critic" will not be so particular, especially as it might save a conductqr the hard ! things passengers had to say about the pig-like conductor mentioned.,

The noble .Nihilists have..., not got Grand Duke Vladimir "yet ; hut they will, sure ! > And when they, do the whole world should cheer. ■ . . * "•'''. * Let no one say that New Zealand is not a free country afte-r this. A few weeks ago a certain Wellington firm had occasion to go to law with one of its employees. The said employee subpoenaed two fellow employees as witnesses. These men, when m the box, were imprudent enough to tell the truth, which was not m favor of the firm. On the following Saturday both received a week's , notioe from the church-going manager. Of course it is a free country, for the Boss. l? . *i » v A certain Weilingtoniau blew into a certain hotel after hours and was sniffing around the passages looking for one of the girls, when the landlady spotted him and enquired into matters. He blurted out that he, was looking for Arthur-Law to ,takei a double on the Nationals aiid rushetfo out. But the lady hadWher 'dbiibts^ and, for a lark, told Law later on;. ; and had him ring the joker up and 5 ask him what double he wanted. He had to take it, too, or own up that his yarn to Mrs Public-House was a fairy tale. . . * * ','■■ * The hatless fad, which is so general throughout the United States, is followed by the working girl. Of course, m the largest cities it is not feasible, but elsewhere one will see at the noon hour, a hundred girls coming; from a factory with not a hat among. them. What with no hats, > bare arms, and transparent blouses,, they have a peculiarly undressed! appearance. In fact, "Critic" might add ■they will soon be "m the altogether," which will not be at all ah unpleasant sight, judging from the standard of American, factory, girls "Critic", has met. .' * ■ *'.■*■■ ■'■ .-■' The country correspondent of the average country paper is a humorous cuss, though perhaps he doesn't know it. Here is one sample : "Cupid.— Last but not T)y any means least is Dame Rumor's report that the early spring (when youns; men's thoughts lightly turn to those of love) will see one of our leading public lights amidst showers of rico. and old shoes. My congratulations to them both." Which both ? The rice and old shoes, or ithe leading public light and Dame Rumor- ? Anyhow, the light is liable to be put out by a' good shower of rice." What does it mean ? Cupid, he calls it, it's stupid. Also what price the misquotation ? ■ ;*.: * , Ad. from Tuesday's "Post" : ONE of Christ's Disciples desires to meet with others with a view to obeying lobrews 10, 25. Address Disciple, Evening "Post." Turned up the chapter and verse and find that it reads : "Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is ; but exhcirting one another : and so much the more as ye see the day approaching." It surely requires the blindest of faith to still sefe approaching the day "the disciples" have been watching for, weary-eyed and . woehearted, for nearly two thousand years. As to assembling : cannot this woebegone, disciple assemble himself with one of the multitude of "jarring sects" already assembled?. • ,■- • • • p What has been described as a cowardly, brutal and unprovoked assault on an aged native named Paramena One One, at Hastings, should, if it has not already, receive the attention of the Hastings police. The native made some trifling remark m the billiard room of one of the leading hotels at Hastings, when one of the players struck him two. heavy blows on the left side of the face with the butt of the' billiard cue, and afterwards broke 'it over his head. The aged native was badly wounded, and bled profusely, but has since been able to lay an information against his cowardly assailant. Writing to the local paper a citizen remarks : "If this is not a matter for police investigation it will be another scandal that has been hushed up." * * * , A good joke is going the rounds this week at the expense of a local inspector for the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. This zealous person espied a slightly lame horse attached to one of Samuel Brown's coal carts, and immediately pounced upon the driver. After having thoroughly examined the, horse, he advised the man to "have the mare's shoes taken off, and then turn her into the paddock for a spell." He observed also that, as she was a fine upstanding mare, she might be able to throw a good foal ! The driver never let on that the "mare" was a bally gelding, though. Now, if an inspector cannot tell th 6 difference between a mare and a horse, what qualifications must he possess to hold such an important and responsible office, and to give espt-rt evidence when he does get a j real case of c^ to a.?- j