A HEN-CONVENTION.

NZ Truth, Issue 58, 28 July 1906, Page 8

A HEN- CONVENTION.

Sir,— l was at a Hen Convention the I other evening, and I am thinking from j what I know of you, a report of that ,1 most interesting meeting may he acceptable to you for your paper. I ; would just as soon not have you iprint the locality as you know wom-en-folk are pretty spiteful, and it. doesn't matter much where the meeting was held, 'but the object- was this: "The removal of women's- ■disabilities, civil and political," which means of course "let them into Parliament." Now, Sir, as I foresee the catastrophe . the removal of ihese -disabilities would bring about, I want cautionary measures used 'ajsauist it, for -so surely as one woman gets a seat in the House the rest Will follow and we shall be ---so befooled and worried that every 4 -.r. an- jack-" of us who can give his / women-folk "leg bail" and raise his ship's fare will clear but of the country^ You'll see, Sir, by the accompanying report wha't we^^^ to expect. / The sfcage, was? occupied by a^-consi- 1 derable number •of 'women—all members of the National Hen Convention, and the body -of the -large -hall was thrown open to the general^ public— verily, a noisy crowd. •„-■•. : -, . Proceedings* commenced" wrtli> "HbKt the Fort,", followed by an unco' Jang and dreary "exchoartashun" from a , sickly looking, spindle shank chap that, wliined and ' wailed till . the dogs outside howled, and then, the speeches began as follows :—; • >• Mrs Buxom (President)^: My belov-< ed friends, we are Here this evening, ■ for v the express purpose* of arranging a campaign to combat /ttie opposition of man a^ain^t : 'the nwasures we desire to take 1 for purifgring his daily life, so that j we- mayi- save -him from) the dire results, pf, bis. multitudinous iniquities, and. rescue this ; fair ' land from the 'blight «of tobacco - smoke > and n the tidal, waves- of w&sky and soda. Each of us has an .allotted task according to the^department assigned to ■<. her, therefore, I-- call upon- the honored-' members 1 of "liissConvention.Teach and; severally to speak on the subject of their respective -portfolios,, and I, beg, : you, mj fellow "workers, in. this-great > and gloripus cause, with 'all the impressiveness at my. Command, not .-to flag one 'moment in your endeavors, and not to Ueparte one iota from the principle that woman should be the guiding swar^-of^the. home and' the ruling power; in- ail .matters oilegis-. latian. Her lofty akns, heir-, subtle intellect, her;extensfre>;knowled<ge; her forensic ppwer, her^volrubleiforce, .her far-seeing j)erceptions,>all distinguish her ae man's; «wperaori^heTetore:»ias*iiis:- ,'• guide and ruler. Tiie^purity of her* nature, her heaven^-l>Qrn»v charity, her instinctive sympathy, her sublime , piety, all pibclaimsvthe^factj^at too- " man— lovely woman — is- the< special means created* for; the^xedem^aoTi' of; ■ po, or lost : mattr-fxon^hes;vicef>and corruption which, atfivthe* present ; : day, like millstones hangf-abKJutynisvneck^ I- affirm the aaecessity,; ;: fpp: 'the- removal" of women's disabilities^ amd'l' move aresolution : "That thisj .Cohvention a-J * gain urge-ParliamentTUoßrecpgniseifOiur: rig'litssin this.respectt? .' ' , Seconded- "by Miss ..Sirorter rand-car-*' ried nem. <con., amidfefelproaoiaicedvap- . plause and:. the ,wawßg#okwbisteia>ocket handkerchiefs. ■.': Note : Sevenalijof ffctieftster pier f( ? )*sex .; in-. the -body*/0f • -thleifchallfefainted*andf .were carrled'out. ''■,'' Miss Smalffinot*/|^epaaitimieii ; thiipfi3Srar- i j a»tic») : "I" am..walled*4uspon..my.--fel- : low women collaborators Hn4iMs great work, tofrspeak^oh ithe^pernici- ' 'ous habit 'knttwn^o.*u^an^'too*jwell« as ttobacco smoking; 'and;, I'-assure-r-you, dear friends, it-comes^from the*dep!ths' of my heairt-toi deplore* the'eyils*oft*he jftobacco pipe. Who thafcrencottniters*its .•vile stench' wilfrttiot join* in»4ts* fullest ' .denouncement!.? Who that sees r^the^ look,, tie lips< of* u;-jhe smoker,, does not. feel ready to| yweep over the : *fraii^<*of>?man»? Whof Sthat . sees • the -• full tloteacco pouch?- and" •<the empty -purser doesMiotifeel a righteous indignation thrat these^tlungst: Vbe? Who ha-s -ever fenitered a room permeated with the-nauseating-,.»0d0r of tobaccctemoke and; has not realised that the- jwrpetrattbr 01 -the- iodor • deserved a public whippi»g>? Let us* •then band together, miy very i dear friends, to <put "down < the vice wiith ahigh hand. Let us/oncd get into iPar--1 iament a<nd the -tar iff shall he ,pi;ohi-' bitive of masfceriial?;for this iniqjuiious purpose ; n pipes ,and«eigars, in,fact, all •' "the paraphecnaliia of >smoking-:*shall<be. confjscated,_and all* smokers^he held lirstrclass >"crimiißal§. Cries of -'Hear > Hear •'."> mingled} "with. cjfe.'ppirig« of* hands, andfcsugges- , itive Chitekles. : . ■ ; A voice frOm^theVauditorium,:' l! I'd like tohold your nose ov,er thefcbowl of my pipe for/ three minutes,, old girl." Ejaculations,* of ■ hotror amidst^ the Convention, with appealing gaze* at &he Presidenis. Mrs Buxom rises to the occasion : "Constable 11 ! (in a shrilly .voice), "eject that* depraved- individual !" No resp/MTisse. ' Mrs Buxom '(shriller yet): "Con-? . stable ! remove' that mocker of woman's' counsel '!'' Constable: "Which of 'em d'ye want chucked out ? The chap that smokes' abed ?" Excited rA'muurs, great agitation on the pifrtform, bfushes hidden with i portfolios, Mrs Buxom, visibly per- ■ iurbed, icsumes chair, and calls on ' Mrs Fifoss' (mother's meeting) to I "come to the footlights." '„ Mrs 80555 : "My friends, we are not \ all mothers? in this assembly." (A voice: "No, there's a few fathers.") \"ButJ Hatter n-.yseli we all know a Ijnothp-v's duties." fVoice at the door: \"Cro home, then, vn& put your kiddies »o U-d." SeitfsatKin.) "May I ask What- does ttnt iH-rep;ulated perspn inow of a mofier':? duties ? Let. me t,"11 him t'n.py ?.!o i.oli consist, of service U.i xhv nice I 'ferial wonts of the J'ovstJio'hl. ' fluc'i arrvico can always bo left, ly sirtjordijiat-es, but Uie higher

Great Meeting to Promote- "The Removal of Women's Disabilities, Civil and Political.

WOMEN'S PARLIAMENTARY AIMS.

Disorder and Devision. A Contumacious Constable;

(duties of a mother are paramount -to' ! these considerations. It is imperative \ that a mother should so rule her family that its nominal head may he its.perfect pattern. Her principal attention must be given to the children's .father with the object of eradicating any incipient vice to which he may, be lia-ble, especially smoking, unpunctuality, or unnecessary fault-finding. She must combat his disinclination to cut the household wood, and she must see he rises with the lark, cheerful and useful, and that he brings her a cup of tea before she gets up. All these small matters regularly, practised provide an' exce^nt example for the boys of the family^, and absolute selfabnegation of his life makes the man as the Scripture sa§s, "like clay, in •the hands of, the pother." Jt is well worth . a mother's , while to concentrate her full energy^on achieving this. 1 object, as being hei? 1 primary duty to" her family. ?yI- move:^ : - ' That . the;mem- ; bers of ..- this-? convention do 7 ; frequently meet for the purpose'' of discussing the best methods of training husbands in their dutie^;' No Woman can say she is, a • perfect^m othej£ -,who has , not, brought her husband 'ihto~-fuli confor-^ mance with, her household regulations."; Enthusiastic ■ applause on the platform; groans in the auditorium. Clapping of hands and dries of "That's what's wanted." Groans and hisses. A voice.:" We'd emigrate." Mrs Vinny. (Unfermented Wines): "My friends, I wish to point out to you the reasons for preferring unfermented wines'- to the intoxicating liquors which steal away your senses and cost so much money. Unfermented wine is very beneficial in cases Of — — " (A Voice: "Colicj!'. CMes „of "Order !. Order !■"■);; ■ '^nfemeiv||d wine, I was going to sayv ; -is brvery great benefit in cases, of -—".' (A voice: "Appendicitis •! "' Cries of "Order > Order !" Laughter. The constable, looks rouhjd with a frown^ on his^brow and. a smile oh his lips; A 'Voice f : ; ' 'Let the woman speak I") Mrs V.; resumes : "My dear Christian friends, I wish to , tell you, for your own salces, the benefits of restricting yourselves to' the' use of unfermented wines; As I was going to say just now, they are the most effective beverage you can take as a " (A voice .'."Poison ! Poison ! Chuck ; . it out.. ! " 'Mrs Biixom rises from the presidential chair with magisterial digni'ty .:; '"Will those intemperate men allow tlie meeting to proceed 'or not ?'.' A voice : "Lead on, Sairey ! we fpllersf J Mrs Buxom indignantly enq,uires if there' is ho constable in tlie hall-? A 'voice ' . "His wife's sitting on his coat tail , . madam'. ' ' Loud laughter. / Mrs Buxom, lifting hands :and ; .eyestovheaven resumed her seat, and shaking her head until the presidential fconnet is all. awry ; she signs to: Mrs Vinny to resume speaking.)' "I am really too -much overcome, Mrs President. I-I find I can say no more on this interesting subject of unfermented wines " (A voice : "Youlve said enough, old -girl. Cork it up ! 'Twilk-do*for your funeral.") Mrs V. staggers-to *her seat amidst condolences -of members, and loud laughter in the body. of the hall. Mrs Nopopery : (Bible m Schools) :- "!■> trust I shall'be allowed to speak' without -these unseemly interruptionson'.the question of the day, which,.. as you will notice J iby referenceto our^Order Paper, is the reading of the Bible in Schools. It stands to reason we. women know a great deal more , on this subject thajn men do. Now^we consider thg cons^ence clause is ari,i anomalous a^surdi,ty . There ■ shbuld be no' objection of: conscience from ;- such Sentiments Should be strongly discouraged. If we wouldsave men's souls we must make them Protestants, I say, and if the parents of ohildren refuse salvation, then we ;m'ust all the more zealously urge the teachings of Protestantism upon their offspring, so that they may not grow up in the paths of sin to follow their progenitors into "the lake that burneth with fire and brimstone." If— as I fondly hope— women will shortly foe admitted to the House, we shall thenbe in a position, with a strong majority, to make religion" uniform, throughout the land. We will ditect that the Bihle be read from Genesis to Revelations in every school of the colony, with daily theological instruction so that the pupils may be submitted to Biblical examinations. We must also institute compulsory Bible classes for young men, and erect BiWe institutes with Bible professors to conduct Biblical examinations of every applicant f<sr eniploynient in the Civil. Service, in ' whatsoever; grade Ke may wish to serve,, ano;' it; should etiso be made law )' that n6l exiim. ' of a^y kind be recognised until a prior one in Biblical knowledge had passed the — ■" (A voice : "Rot ! You couldn't dp it.") "Not do it ? We women would have no nonsense in this respect. Popery would soon be stamped out, ' Freethinkers and Agnostics should be ostracised, and all 'Jews, Turks, Infidels and Heretics' boycotted. I move a. resolution : 'That this Convention form a deputation to the Premier to urge the necessity for a uniform religion, and the immediate consideration of this first step to its fruition, viz., the Reading of the Bible in Schools.' " Seconded by Miss Fan Attick and carried nem. con. Miss Stiremup (influencing the Press) : "The portfolio, my friends, which I have undertaken is a load of responsibility in frail hands. Nothing is so hard to get at as an editor'sheart ; he is all pen. To influence the Press we must know the sentiments which actuate his pen, and having discovered them, the opportune moment must be found for probing them. My friends, that opportune moment in which one may play upon those sentiments, as the wind plays upon an Eolian harp, is not easy to be found; nav: 'if requires the gifted perception of the scientific occult. Still, I do

not despair. l An editor is only a man, therefore a woman has power to control him, as being herself the superior being. What can be done, shall be done. From sanctum to sanctum, I will go, Bible in hand — — " Voices : "Put your purse in the other hand.") "I will smile at him with gentle words " (Voice : "You'd better give him an ad.") "I will tell him rather that 'all these things shall be added unto him.' " (Another voice : "He won't want 'copy.' Give him a cheque.") "Ah, my friends, if I could only influence him to <give a- check to the license of the present age ; if he would check the footsteps of trie sinner wandering from the fold ; if he would check the depravity of the ballroom, the iniquities, of .card-playing, -. the frivolities of fashions, the frequenting of the play-house, the festivities of the banquet ; then, indeed, would the Press be 'a shining light to them that sit in darkness.' " (Voice: "They'll sit there . a good while if that's all they've got to wait for.") "Alas ! dear friend, that is true. . No light ! No fire " (Voice : "Fire away ! Let's • hear your troubles.") Miss Stiremup continues with an indescribable expression of mental anguish, and indignant utterance : "Man, who mocks a woman's words may ere. long be made to eat those' words vs^th many bitter herbs." (Voice :■ "JeThosh-a-phat ! What a dose ! No mail's digestion's equal to it.") Miss Sv becomes hysterical and i$ supported to her seat. Mrs Biixonv comes down the stage With an. omiiipus frown and pursed-up lips. She sur|eys the audience with withering scoiai, and clasps her hands in a melodramatic attitude of prayer. 'Voice: "Ah-n^en !" More Amens fqlIpw in quick v'succession. The constable^with an irrepressible grin on his face but with ferocity in his attitude considerately enquirer, if there's "any gent as wants - 1 to be put in chokey." There h\ no immediate applicant for clic situation,- and Mrs Buxom, somewhat 'soothed* resumes, the presidential chair, calling upon Miss Snowflaice to address the meeting. ■ Miss SnowflaKo (Purity) : "The subject on which, l am about, to address this meeting is o? so comprehensive a character that my .time allowancowill not puffer one to do full justice to it, but^^williit ,oiice plunge into medias res -ajjd t^ff bir the things whi£h we, as women '^f tnis Convention, deem to be impijre.." (Constable : '■' Clear the Gobrt!") "There is no necessity, Constable, to clear the Couirt. , The, things I shall enumerate are such as women consider impure, and are not of that deep dye which blacken men's minds. They are smoking, dancing, flirting, bjeeir-dr inking, horse-racing, ribald mirth, Satitta'th-breakinK, whis-ky-poker, and many other things. All these ,render men's souls impure, and we would warn our fair young sisters to shun those men who indulgein these sins, as they would shun the coil§ of , |he rattlesnake. Like the ratsesnake. they lure to death and destruction. We also consider the reading of novels irnpurc, ballet-danc-ing^'is most impure, kissing (other than near relations), is highly impure, hugging even more so ; waltzing . is unquestionably immoral, and decollete dress, which exposes the neck and' arms, is' shocking— absolutely shocking—although we must admit there are grades of this immorality. 'We have no objection to cycling or -gym Inastics, but. we look with horroT upon the dance known as Kitchen Lancers, which in point of fact is considerably worse than ballet-dancing. Statues in the nude are of so impure a nature that they should never be tolerated 'beneath the eye of a self-respecting woman. Pictures in the nude, : my dear friends, are calculated to destroy the fine sense of delicacy which should •characterise a Christian woman. Such pictures upon the walls of your homes should be replaced by those of eminent divines or the pourferayals of thedeaths, of martyrs. When we take our seats in Parliament (which we shall do, in spite of man's opposition) we will purify the House of the obnoxious tone of the present-day elector, who, swaggering in his usurped authority, uses expressions most unbecoming to the dignity of Parliament. Slang words destroy the dignity of argument. I appeal to you men and women, from the standpoint of Purity, to purge your House. of Representatives. Vote no more for the reprobate, the gambler, the infidel, the drunken and the blind" follower. Send women to Parliament who will cleanse away the impurities of the lobby and re-construct the ill-considered laws. Purge them all !" (Uproar and unseemly remarks.) Mrs Buxom (rising) : "Constable, I consider your apathy incomprehensible." Constable : "Shure,. then, I don't know anythin 1 about apathy. Here's Doctor Pillem ; ask him . what's to do." ' ..._.•.■■ Mrs Buxom raises her hands in deprecation and signs to Mrs Rushlight to come forward. Mrs Rushlight (Evangelistic) : "Dear people, we, the wandering minstrels know only too well, to our sorrow, how ungrateful man is for all our efforts to reform him. Ala&J how insensible he is to the music of 'our harps, , how - indifferent to .-the voice of our pleading, how blind to the beauties of unworldliness, how far from the hills of Zion. Some day, when. Parliament has made women the only ecclesiastics, this will be all changed. Men occupy the pulpits at' the present day, but they preach vain words. They pray while looking out of the corners of their eyes ; they read the ' lesson while they think what, there is for dinner ; they sing out of tune while they watch the collection plate ; and they glance over the fashionable hats and forget to say Amen. Now, why should this be ? I say women should be the preachers— women who scorn , such mundane thoughts. Let women's voices be heard in the churches, at the corners of the streets, ' on the tops of the mountains, in the depths of the valleys, and where their voices cannot be heard, let them gain entrance to men's hearts by tract distribution. In the near future, our voices will ring their clarion call from Parliamentary benches, and we will say unto the" Treasurer : 'Bring Torth' your spoils of gold and silver ; place upon the estimates £10,000 for tract distribution, principally among the Mongols and the Patagoni.-xiiK." Voice : ''What about roads and bridges ?" "Roads and bridges, my friend, are-

i temporal aid which must never he .considered while the roads and bridges to heaven are neglected. - Let us, then, nominate a woman candidate and assemble m a multitude at the hustings and compel the men to return her." . Mrs Rushlight resumed her seat, and the platform appeared like the wood of Dunsinane with the waving ot hairdkerchiefs in wild applause. Miss Misery (Sabbath Observance) : "My beloved brothers and sisters, I, feel sure your hearts, are with ms in this all-engrossing topic. Tears, I have no doubt, will fill your eyes, and peradventure sobs, rend your bo.soms Avhen I call to remembrance the sinful-ness of your husbands, brothers, friends, who are "scorching"- on .the roaul to perdition every Sabbath of their lives. What can be said, what can be done, to avert the awful ■doom of those who dare to bike, to bathe, to drive upon the Sabbath morn ? What torrents of tears should we not shed for our dear ones who prefer the sunshine and the breeze to the ministrations of our pastor •!" (Voice: "I'd rather have a long beer than put my "bob" in the plate.") "Shocfcing rna*i ! Where do you expect to go to when you die ?" (Voice : "Never you mind ! I don't want to meet vou,anyhow.". Cries of "Order! Order !") "Oh, women of New Zealand, what will ye do to drag these hardened sinners from the evil of their ways ? Let us demand our, full enfranchisement that we may in Parliament make laws that shj&ll suppress all kinds of enjoyment on~the Sabbath, Day and make it a criminal offence for any man to absent 'hirnself from public worship three times a day, 1 without a written certificate from his wife of his inability to attend." Voices : "Sit down-! Go to the devil ! We'd emigrate." Groans and hisses. A rotten apple . catches Mrs Buxom on the nose. Panic ensues on the stage ; flight of members by stage doors. General uproar in the hall in which the constable gets a "good old time." "Clear the Coort !" Stampede for the main entrance. Lights go out before everybody reaches it, but no casualties to ireport. Well, Sir, I'm looking for a bit of land in . Argentine— petticoat Government is sure to come, but it won't suit me. By the bye, we can't call it petticoat government any longer—petticoats, I am told, are out of date.— l am, &c, - . x 0 0 0/