THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 57, 21 July 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade his- error m the public eye ? i And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? Money sometimes makes the marc too slow.] : ■..■"«• • . . ; .o'■ ■ Every beak shows a well nurtured animus against liquor— when he's on the bench. ** ■ * We have the duly qualified medial practitioner and the unqualified mcdi* cal quacktitioner. The bailiff may be a very unpleasant personage, but he is generally, a capital judge of beer., .. « • : ■* The advice of one's wife is often found to be good, especially when you have neglected to follow it. ; •• * ' , • • When 1 ai man with a big waistband speaks from the depths of a well-fed stomach, his remarks are generally as | weighty^ as-a Sack Qt,wet wheat, f * ■ ' '••■. -,- .*" '' ' ■ * , Claimed m faVpr of a prisoner down south that he J;aiways worked wellunder supervision. Well, he is under the supervision of a warder now. I . ' • ■' ■ ■•• ■' . . • Many women really do get some atrociously bad -bargains at bargain sales, despite all that may be said to the contrary., They steal 'em. . t ■■"■>■ • % ' • If the devil is behind all crime he ■ must have his hands pretty full and doesn't take a weekly half-holiday, or, work under Arbitration Court rules. • • • r A' witness m a case at Christchurch , described himself as a "farmer, and gold mines investor." We may next hear of "clerk and tote speculator." • • • * i The unscrupulous tradesmen is often the most successful. Yet he sometimes has to compromise with his creditors or has a good fire. Queer, isn't it? : - ■ i If a peeler took to. the pulpit he I should be able to spin some rough and ready sermons on morality— but that wouldn't do for the present class of church patrons* i

Christchuroh Gity Council, having decided , ; to kick out the innumerable; societies wild have . been ; usihg its rooms gratis, owners of halls will get a much-needed show. • • ' it •. The rain held off for the two days' racing at Trentham last week, but poured heavens-hard on Sunday. The joke, if any, will be, appreciated by local tote-denounoing sky-pilots. * * * They hsve a penchant for cheap vegetables down Milton way,, and the Chinkies' gardens are so frequently raided that, the pigtailed fraternity have now laid m a stock of shot guns. . • * • "Is your patient here," remarked a Wellington Court official to a lawyer during the week. Client of course was meant ; but r.s far as the bleeding process is concerned it's the same tiling. • * .* Pure-boy Bligh has denied on the platform that he is "geeing" for the doctors. Anyhow, the doctors [ are geeing for Bligh. And that makes honors easy. One .good turn deserves another. \ »■ • « ■ ■ • "Critic" dropped across this m a Christchuroh paper :. "Wanted, a Lady (by birth) to Assist m Housework, Country Farm. Boy kept. References. Homestead, "Press." "The Lady Slavey !" . . •\ • # Said that a certain house agent lately demanded to see the marriage lines of a young couple who were desirous of renting a pokey shack at an exorbitant figure. Perhaps he divined that they were only married pro tern. • ■' .. ' ■ • • ■ « A Christchurch chap who signs his name and describes himself "agitator for the rights of man m season and out of season, but more particularly ■ m Cathedral Squate," has s,truck a permanent means of advertising himself. He has declared himself to have been cured by somebody's pill. .....••■.* ■ ••...'. There are individuals ready to swear anything. A nicely-dressed person; who was pinched for making a beer barrel- of himself ,6n a night recently, violently, protested that he wasnit drunk, and offered to make an affidavit to. that effect. But the peeler wasn't <taking any affidavits. ..'■•■ ' * • I A conference of entomologists, experts on bugs and other insects, is to be held m Sydney shortly. "Critic" hopes they will, discuss the means of paralysing many of the human parasites that inflict that city. Wellington, too, could afford to lose some and would not weep o'er their loss. • • -■' • Right recently a Christohurchian was sued for debt, and he avowed that a burglar had broken into his house and collared some of his splosh and his wife had disappeared with the rest. The unfortunate man thought he had his good name left, but his creditor was trying to appropriate even that. • •' . .•' Most scoundrels of the cloth who elope with their servants or fly from their creditors, make off to Vancouver. That isle is the Mecca of these ranters and a resident of Wellington, recently returned from British Columbia, assures "Critic" that guns are drawn on the approach of anything m the shape of a parson., •* * ■ Canterbury is becoming infested with imported parsons. Another brace of the clan arrives shortly, £100 having been cabled for their passages by brother Julius, who likes to hear "haw" m the pulpit o' Sabbath, the donkey-like sound standing for superiority, or something of that sort. •• . •••■'.*.-. • Acts of vandalism on his property at Lyell Bay have actuated one H. D. Crawford to advertise his intention to prosecute trespassers with the utmost stringency and tie warns mothers that tears will not melt his hard heart if their boys are caught. This property used to be frequented by picnickers, but Crawford is sick 1 of the wanton damage done 'his property, • * • ■ Lecturer Frank Bullen sermonised the young Ducks of Presbyterian "Bishop" Dr. Qibbs's flock last Sabbath evening. Bullen didn't take on the. task, though, of proving that the whale swallowed Jonah. Bullen's 1 opinion, as a whaler, on Jonah, might be interesting, if it were not for the fact that it would have to 1 bump up against Bullen 's opinion as an amateur theologian. .** - * To the credit of the Government, the absurd recommendation of the musical committee to appoint Mr Orchard as musiical director of the Christchurch Exhibition has been over-ruled and Mr Alfred Hill, our brilliant native musician and composer, has received the appointment. Seeing that he is composer of the Cantata, this is as it should be. And, anyhow, he is the better man.

A" lunatic m a southern asylum thinks that he is William of Orange, and spends his spare time chasing imaginary Sarsfields across country. » * • "Did he .swear at the prosecutor," asked a country, beak of a witness. "Swear?" said the worthy m the witness box, "Gawd, you should ha' been there." * . * . p. A revised version :— I have no pain, dear mother, now, But, oh, I am so dry ; Connect me with a brewery, And leave me there to aie. • * * A witness giving evidence at the inquest on Athena Petro, the woman who died suddenly last Saturday evening, told the Coroner and jury last Monday that she rang up several doctors before the woman died. More than one doctor was out. Dr. Anson said he did not go out at night-time. "Critic" does not wish to be unkind but if what the witness said of Dr. Anson is true, it deserves publicity. • • -' • The "Times" refers to the. Nelson outbreak of Orangeism as "a case of plague." Rabid sectarianism is infinitely worse than plague. It can never be stamped out. Kerristians have loved each other with all the implements of the torture chamber from the days of the Apostles, and will continue so to do as long as there are two opposing Kerristians leftone to persecute with his love for God the other. • • ' .• How sublimely pathetic must have been the spectacle of a "widdy" putting £40 on the plate at Bligh's parity address to women only, last Sunday. The cheque was m an envelope bearing the touching inscription, "In memory of a loving husband." No wonder Bligh talks of the power of womanhood.. Who wouldn't under such circumstances. But what had the* husband done to deserve such a memorial, anyhow •? • #■ ' • "He is a blackguard 1 of the worst description," said Sub-Inspector O'Donovan of an individual named William Barry, whom Dr. McArthur, S.M., gave three months' hard for using obscene language. Barry was a beer-bummer and his lawyer plead- j ed that the language was used only man hotel bar. "Critic" doesn't pretend to know but imagines that ] that, is just a place where filthy language ought not to be used,.. i ■ ■ J

Some bleater of a doctor has now discovered that the pocket-handkerchief is a terrible danger as a disseminator of hostile germs and advises the use of paper wipes, a la Japanese. If Wellington- folk took to paper nose-rags they'd require to carry a pack on their back, especially when the -weather was like that of Sunday and Monday last. Why, even those who carry four or five big linen mouchoirs can scarcely ever show a dry one, m the bleak, windy weather. \ • « • y Since the pubs of Christchurch have been closed at 10 o'clock the usual thing has happened : far greater number of arrests for drunkenness^and an abnormal increase m the number of cases of acute alcoholism. Reason : to get their load men drink too fast, lose count and stow the hold too full at one time. These "temperance victories" are often dearly 'bought. Tyrannical restrictions lead to greater indulgence, out of sheer perversity and a- desire to Show that drinkers won't be coerced. I * • * A" friend of this paper tells of a< peculiar ' incident that occurred at the Free Library on Sunday evening last. A staid and proper looking individual ostentatiously took a bible from a shelf and retired to an unoccupied table, apparently to study "the Word." Later on the observer had occasion to pass the student, and p-lancing- over his shoulder discovered that though he had the bible open, what he was really so engrossed m was not "the good book" but a copy of "Truth" ! • • • All going well young colonia will be afforded an opportunity of seeing a . most degrading spectacle at the Exhibition. Proposed to import a dozen rickshaws and nigger runners, "for the convenience of . visitors," from S 'Africa. The colored person will, likely be most patronised by youngsters, who will be impressed with the novelty of the thing, and by the fact that they will be able to wallop their nigger if he doesn't move along { as fast as a slow, racehorse: The "runner" is the only beast of. burden m the world who can swear at 'himself if he stubs his toe, and he isn't a desirable person at any time. It will ' be remembered that it was proposed to establish rickshaws m the hot-lake country for the benefit of the glass-eyed tourist, but the idea was squelched shortly after birth. It was a rickshaw man' who murdered Nick Willis's trainer, m Durban, the other day. j