CHRISTMAS HUMOUR

New Zealand Times, Volume LI, Issue 12022, 27 December 1924, Page 15

CHRISTMAS HUMOUR

ODDS AND ENDS. “TVhat p Afraid, of a cow ? Yetvou cat them!” “Yes—but this one isn’t cooked!” Tie Curate: “You should see the new altar in our oiurch.” The Girl: “Lead mo to it l” Grace (showing her friend her photograph): “Awful, isn’t it?” Bessie: “It’s a splendid likeness, though.” Lady Visitor (to prisoner): “I should! think you’d go insane behind those bars!” Prisoner: “Too late fer that now, ’ady.” Wife: “Don’t you think this is a duck of a hat, dear?” Husband: “Yes, hut I’d prefer a duck with a smaller bill.” Meeker: “Do you think that I can make her happy?” Mason: “Well, she [Will always have something to laugh atl” Old Lady: “Is it dangerous to go up in an aeroplane?” Aviator: “Not at all, ma’am. The danger is all in coming down.”

Tourist: “But what do you do here when you’re lonely?” Mountaineer: “Oh, I shoot at ol’ Bill Scroggins down in the valley.” “Why, my dear man, already my poetry is being read by twice as many people '-a before.” “Oh—l didn’t know you were married.” Black: “My wifo never asks me where I go.” White: “You don’t say so!” “Yes; she’s always with me to see for herself!”

Smith: “Jones, I’m going to get married and settle downl” Jones: “Humpnl I think you’d better remain single and settle up 1”

“I’ve just had my watch mended an’ it.’sh shtill wrong.” “Why, wha sh matter with it?” “It’s pointin’ to noon, an’ it’sh midnight.” “Are you Mrs Hansen?” “Yes. What can I do for you? Take a chair 1” ••Eight, mum. I’m going to take the .lot. I’m tho broker’s manl" j “Faith, Mrs O’Hara ,how d’ye till itbem twins apart?” “Aw, ’tis aisy. : I sticks mo finger in Dennis’s mouth, 1 an’ if ho bites I know it’s Moike.” j “After tho Wreck, when your husband was drowning, did all his post sins come up before him?” “Good heavens, no! He wasn’t in the water aU Jthat_ time,!”

“A yard of pork ,please,” said the witty man to the butcher. The butcher turned to his hoy. “Give this gentleman three pigs’ feet,” he remarked. Stage Manager: “Go on, manl Can’t you hear them crying ‘Author—aitthorl’” Timid Playwright: “J-just so! B-but what are their—ah—intentions?” Pert Young Thing: “Don’t you think there should be more clubs for women?” Grumpy Old Thing: “Oh, hoi I should he inclined to try kindness first 1” A; “The Joneses Are moving..” B. “Why, they’ve only been. here a year. People were just beginning to know them.” “Yes, that’s why they’re going.” “Yes, grandma, when I graduate I intend following a literary career—write for money you know,” Why, you haen’t done anything else since you’ve boon at college.” Rink: “What are you reading?” Dink: “A tale of buried treasure.” Rink: “Wasting your time on fiction again?” Dink: “No. It’s a book on how to grow potatoes.” She: “Here’s a scientist who says that human life on this planet began about 600,000 years ago.’’ He: “In that case, my dear, it is probably too late to do anything about it.” Mabel: “There was a ring of sincerity in his voice when he told me he loved me.” Maud: “Oh, but you must remember, dear, that a ring m the hand is worth two in the voice. “So tho jury brought in a verdict of ‘murder while insane’ P” “They couldn’t do otherwise. The murderer confessed to the crime, and insisted that he was in his right mind when ho did it.” Wife (with newspaper): ‘ Just think of it 1 A couple got married a few days ago after a courtship which lasted 50 years.” Husband: ‘T suppose tho poor man was too feeble to hold out any longer.” “Reginald,” said the Sunday-school teacher, during a lesson on the baptismal covenant, “can you tell me the two tilings necessary to baptism? .• “Yes, ma’am,” said Reginald. Water and a baby.”

Lawyer (apologetically) :"I’m sorry, but I’m afraid there’ll be a good deal of publicity connected with your divorce." Actress, (grimly) i “Huh I Thero’d better be “Vi?