WIDOWS’ WAYS

New Zealand Times, Volume L, Issue 11649, 13 October 1923, Page 12

WIDOWS’ WAYS

NEW COMPANIONSHIP AND LOVE. We really have a hard row to hoe! Not merely those of us who have been left handicapped with a family, but those who present to tile .world a free and easy appearance; who have, perhaps, some little income of their own, and a fair proportion of their youth still left. If wo continue to mourn our loss, outwardly, we are set down as lugubrious, and our friends lose patience with us. If we make the best of things, and continue to show an interest in our personal appearance; well —we are "man hunting!” There's no satisfying people either way. The poor creatures struggling to provide bread and butter and shoe leather for growing boys and girls possess the sympathy of the community. Many little things alleviate their lot. People speak kindly of them; often, in an unobtrusive fashion, rendor them assistance. Few of them marry again, as it is seldom a man cares to burden himself with another man’s children. They struggle through, until the latter are able to help to keep things going. But the childless widow; or the one whose children are grown up, is looked npou with more or less suspicion and distrust by other women—and, indeed, some few men of the timorous type. The fat and stodgy are, of course, “passees;” assuredly ofit of the running as their sisters whose husbands have not shuffled off this mortal coil; or as the elderly women who have never married But the young and tolerably good looking are unwanted rivals to other young women not yet mated; possessing, indeed, well recognised, though grudgingly acknowledged, advantages over tile latter, inasmuch ns their previous experience enables them to better comprehend the elusive male, and to set a snare, so the others imagine, in a manner they themselves cannot do.

Hence we get such common expressions as: “Beware of Widdys,” “The Wily Widow,” "The Merry Widow," etc., etc. Whatever her wiles, one thing is certain; the widow is not onlv the huntress, but the quarry. She is looked upon as fair game by that large section of men who refuse to shackle themselves by man riage, ns well ns by that even larger section who are disillusioned in their matrimonial experiences. These seek her out with avidity, and make no secret of the fact that they desire her companionship and consolation. In fact, a widow of any remaining charm could comfortably spend her whole existence in endeavouring to solace the disgruntled husbands of other women. Sometimes they come to her with a long tale of woe; again, loyalty prevents them from discussing details, but does not inhibit them from looking for solace elsewhere.

Tho widow who respects herself, and yet cannot lead an altogether "nianless” existence, lias to steer a middle course between arid puritanism and a too liberal distributive of her favours. It is this process of holding off which attracts men; who despise a tiling when it is flung at them and love the charm of tho chase, wanting, invariably, the thing they have not got Again, the widow realises, as few unmarried women do, tho strength and weakness of man. She has learnt to adapt herself to his needs and peculiarities, for marriago is inevitably a process of dual adaptation. Those who fail to lenliso this sooner or later run on tile rocks of matrimonial disaster. The older a man seta the more he

wants, sympathy and understanding, with* out bothering to explain or apologise for himself. lie can’t get it from other men, for he is shy of opening his heart to them; therefore—unless he be exceptionally self-contained—he turns to woman.

The single woman might be eating he* heart out in loneliness, and only longing to pour cut her affection upon some necessitous creature of tho opposite sex. But she can't show it. She is forced by convention to hide her heart hunger under the guise of independence, or indifference, or hardness.

Tho widow has had such a slice of her life cut off that she feels as if she had lost a leg or an arm; and the happier she has been the greater her loss; the more necessity there is for replacing it. Non-reflective people laugh and call her fickle, but , analysed, it is only natural that the woman who feels most deeply bereft should—if the chance throws another man in her way—seize thankfully upon the offer of a Lew companionship and love. If the man is free to marry, well and good; if not, they enter upon a precarious friendship, which may bring as much disaster as joy. but even then is preferred by both to dead loneliness. As e rule, it is not feminine vanity, rot the primiri-e "scalp hunting” instinct, but sheer need of something human to cling to, which makes the widow's appeal to the men of her acquaintance. Men like to he clung to! It flatters their self-esteem. Not only that, it Alls a real human need in them; for, apart altogether from passion, which, of course, nrust expend itself, however we endeavour to ignore the fact, the normally decent man wants someone to pour out his strength and affection upon, ju&t as the average woman yearns for love and tenderness and attention. Nature has made us so. however we may fight against it The worn in who stretches out an imploring arm will always have an advantage over her (probably superior) sister who goes through life with a "stand-off-don’t touch me” air; impregnable in her virtue, wanting neither passion nor tenderness, nor gifts, nor monetary help. Despise the cuddlesome. clinging. easily satisfied creature as she may or ignore the undoubted charm of the more brilliant type as she may; these, after all, take more from the briquet of life than the impeccable virgin, or the self-satisfied, prosaic wife, who has never been through the deep waters of bereavement. and who joins with the former in her indignation against and contempt for what thev both choose to designate the "artful” widow.

They do not realise that, for the most part, her "art” consists in comprehension. The immature girl expects the edmiration and attention of her quondam lover to remain at high-water mark after marriage. The widow has learned bv experience that love is periodic, is subject to a law of ebb and flow, like everything else in the universe. Therefore, she dies not dissolve in tears when a man turns from her and loses himself in the daily papers, any more than she flies into a tantrum every time he brakes a footmark on her spotless floors, or puts a still smouldering pipe down upon her recently embroidered tablecloth. Neither docs she look upon him merely as a machine for raking in dollars to provide her with food and raiment. Of course, there are many wives with insight and patience and inexhaustible offer!ion. hut thov have nothing to fear from even thf most, subtle of widows.?