ABSTRACTS AND BRIEF CHRONICLES

New Zealand Times, Volume XLIII, Issue 10064, 31 August 1918, Page 4

ABSTRACTS AND BRIEF CHRONICLES

ft (BY THE STAFF.)

''They are the abstracts and brief chronicles of the times."—Jlamiet.

The resolution of the Kaiser of Germany and the Kaiser of Austria to stand or fall together is touching. It clearly shows that frowned heads aro not incapable of heroism. It is said that as the result oi u confabulation these two disturbers of the peace resolved to tuake no concessions, but to triumph together or go down into the dust from which tney sprung, unwept, unhonoared, and unsung—but still; together. Ileminds on? of David and Jonathan. U'ilheiiu knows quite well that concession is useless in any case, and that there is no hope of him making a scapegoat of his royal brother Karl. Hence he makes a virtue of necessity and gives out to the world that he will die like a Hohonzollern—'•that is, a highwayman, as the name signifies. Frederick, miscalled the Great, carried a, little bottle of poison with him for use if fate had gone against him, but it is to be hoped Wilhelm will not die by his own hand. In the eternal fitness oi things, his prido should bo given a fall—a drop of something like six feet a't the end of a rope ■would suffice, and bo a good example bo. other crowned heads not to run amuck with their royal prerogatives, or trust too much to "the divinity that doth hedge a King."

When;. a short time ago, the Foolosopher predicted that the coming aristocracy would be working men, and their coats of arms decorated with picks and shovels, he little dreamt that the new order of things had begun already, in a small way. For the benefit of any doubting Thomas who may think the Fooiosop'her should not' be taken seriously, the following paragraph is taken from tho "Morning Leader":— , When Lord Khondda was raised to the peerage he told a friend that ho already had a crest, but now needed two supporters, and asked for a suggestion. His friend replied, "Well, who havo sipported you?" "Why, of course, the miners." "Well, put a miner with a shovel on one sido and a miner with a pick and a lamp on tho other." And so it happened. Uebrott puts tho matter with proper solemnity thus: "Supporter.—Dexter, a miner resting the exterior hand upon a shovel; sinister, a like miner holding in the interior' hr.nd a safety lamp and in tho exterior hand a pickaxe over the shoulder all proper." Yes, all quite right and proper., From this pleasant state of affairs to the colliers having their own coats of arms is but a step—like the famous one that separates tho sublime from the ridiculous. *. * * "Have you got your milk card?" is now the burning question. While nations aro at each other's throats and the world continues to go madi we in Wellington are led to believo that the whole fate of the universe hangs on the milk problem. Tho Elder Bard dares to joko about it: — Let the mad world roll along! Let "the guns destroy the son? Of the lilting ■ lark above, And its ceaseless song of love! War and Death go scamp'ring on Shrieking "Let the Dove bo gone." Let the cost of living soar! Pay the pries and shout "Encore!" Let the coalman have his way!Do not say the burglar nay! Raise your voice and gladly sing, "Tra-la-la and ting-a-ling I" Smooth that frown of care away'. He-who mopes is but a jay; Let the crier shout his song, . "All is Tight and nothing's wrong.* There's an end to woe and sin Now you've filled your milk card in. *• » » Tho Handy Man holds forth on the increase in the price of cigarettes in fashion following:—lf cigarette smokers would only go on strike and "down fags," ovor this latest imposition on the price oi cigarettes! If smokers would only form a Nicotine League and hold a mass mooting of protest against this charge on their little failings! While swearing allegiance to My Lady Nicotine they could pledge their word never to touch another cigarette until tho present extortionate price is dono away with. A strike of cigarette smokers is about as improbable, however, as the spectacle of the Kaiser taking part in a meeting of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Women and Children. The inveterate cigarette smoker will pay half-a-crown a cigarette if necessary, and still not decrease his consumption. No one knows this so well as the cigarette manufacturers. Consequently we see him building up tho price of his wares penny by penny on the well-worn excuse of "war cost, Those who are non-cigarette smokers havo not an atom of sympathy for the unfortunate victims, so that this Imposition must go on unchecked. The smoker cannot plead increased cost of living, because the non-smoker will retort "Why it's a luxury!" But no one realises more than tho. cigarette smoker that his ivecd in a necessity. What is breakfast, dinner, and tea if there is not the wonderful vista of the cigarette to follow? What is reading if tho print is not. surveyed through the hallowed cloud of cigarette smoke ? Where is imagination and power in -writing but. in the inspiring aroma of tobaccop Why, life is but a bad dream unless it is transferred into a sweet illusion by tho allpoTveKful', aU-icomforUng, all-jwonderful cigarette. So let the cigarette manufacturer do his worst—let, him charge a pound a cigarette—the smoker will complain but bo will still smoke. Lot tho manufacturer filch his millions from tlio unfortunate smoker, let him tlo anything—but for heavens sake never let him fail! ito beep up the .supply. of cigarettes. * * •

The noblo lords of England aro becomcoming incorrigible jokers. One of them, not, oxactly well-known to fame, lias offered .U.iW) towards a fund to retain Mf Hughes in England. He says that as a twentieth century statesman Mx Hughes equals tho late Mr Josoph Chamberlain, and lie hopes that by tho "blessing of providence" tho idea of keeping him will take root. How many good Australians will echo the noblo lord's pious wishes! They should prepare an illumiimtod address to l/ord Elrmry to express their gratitude to him for his good intentions. Australia can get along very, well without Littlo Billy—there aro too many like him thero already. He never would be missed.

Our evening contemporary, which sometimes acts as a decoy for Cupiu, prints this engaging advertisement : .MATRIMONIAL.-Genuino young lady wishes to meet gentleman or respectable widower, from 30 to'33.

The wording of this .advert iscjnont is worthy of notice. Note that. l.ho young lady describes herself as genuine—good word that, much better than bona fide. .Shi! desires to meet a gentleman or a ''respectable/' widower. Now this raises ii don'd in Hie foolosophic mind. What does the young lady mean by saying l sho is genuine? ltespecliabl'o, sinqeiu?, i(n earnest? Hardly tlyit, becauso sho does not applv the word genuino to the desired or desirable gentleman. She known that a gentleman must needs ho genuine, and that respectability is on essential characteristic' of the. gentleman. Therefore she doaa not stipulate for a icsnoct-

able gentleman, but she is careful to apply the adjective to any widower who may aspire to win the heart of the genuine spinster, because all widowers may not be gentlemen. However, to come back to this difficulty about' the word genuine. Although the term "bona tide" Us detestable and eschewed by all good writers, had the fair advertiser used it her meaning would have been clear, even if her stylo bad not been the unimpeachable model it is. It would have meant simply good faith. It follows that this young lady is a sound person—that is, possesses homo-made teeth wears her own hair, and is tree from all such hollow and unsatisfactory artificialities as wooden legs, glas.> eyes, .chemical complexions, painted lips, and artistic eyebrows. In fact, as an old song goesShe neither paints nor powders. And her figured all her own. Such a genuine product of nature deserves one of nature's noblemen—indeed ■t is a gross reflection on local bachelors that she should be reduced to the necessity of advertising. Hut it tms unsolicited testimonial helps her to secure a gentleman or a respectable widower, the Foolosopher will feel that he has not lived in vain, and will expect a piece oi tho bride's cake when the happy event comes off. War is a game not. fit for a gentleman. Even tho Boche, who is not, a gentleman, has discovered that at last. Ho invented stinking gas as a means of warfare, which is much worse than siciden death* by shell, or bullets, or coKl steel. Now ho has a grievance against John Bull for inventing tanks Iho reason is that he cannot go up to a tank and surrender like a gentleman. He js compelled by force of circumstances, aided bv the consummate strategy of Marshal "Fooh, to run after tho tank, like a man trying to catch a 'bus a thing tatal to all possibility of dignity oi deportment. It is very sad. The only tlnng the Allies can do to spare the toolings of the chivalrous Hun is to : C ease using tanks, or stop the war. After all, wai is not a fit' pastime for civilised men, not to say gentlemen, a fact that even tho Boche is beginning to realise, now that the war is going against htm. u the tank has helped to rid the world ot war by making this most brutal oi all games impossible to gentlemen, then it has not been invented in vain. Again if tho Boche will live up to his assumed character of a gentleman it will bo a consummation devoutly to be. Wished and a welcome change. At present it is most unfair to the Huns of history ;o call the Boche by their name. ..he Huns made no pretence of being avything but savages—but the German regards himself as the salt of the earth, although ho has made himself very unsavoury. One of our offico poets twangs the lyre:— "Mine Gott '\en ftrsdt I see detn tanks I veel so mighty queer, An* I say to Fritz 'Mine jingo! vy dcy bring' dem vellers here?' s An' Fritz 'e say 'Veil never mind, an so avav 'e ran, A-callin' out. 'Dis aindt no place tor Cherman chentleman,' "'Ach Himmel!' Karl 'e say it, 'come avay mine boy vid niel ' An" see dem hang der littlo Belgian babv on dor tree, Dem vulgar tanks dey make a Chermnn chentleman veel blue,' I say *I tink I vait an' see vot dat tank veller do.' "Veil, Karl 'e ran avay an' leave me standin' on mine own, An' Vilhelm say, 'Dis aindt der,place for chentlemen ov tone.' Ven like a sudden dat tank veller jump a fence 'e do, Vich make me laugh an' vonder vethor dis a dream or true. "I vatch dat veller arf an hour, an' vile I vatchin' 'arc! Up come dem beastly vellers vot dey call der Kaiser's guard. An' der captain say 'o vant mo, an' dey put roe in a van. . Nex' day dey try mo 'cos I aindt a Cherman chentleman.

"Dey zentence me, dem vellers vith their faces all in 'frowns To go up in a Zopnolin an' help dem bomb zee towns. An' every little babby dat I kill dey say it gran', I tink I get a medal soon for being' a chentleman." » * «

! A good deal of nonsenso is talked about the "natural Uuv of supply and demand." The fact is there is no law of supply and demand, natural ' or otherwise. It is a piece of fiction (started by some professor of the "dismal science" to hide his poverty of ideas. Gravitation, the recurrence of day and night, and the four, seasons, birth, growth, and death are natural There aro human laws which, provide penalties for theft and murder. But the circumstance that causes bread and butter' to rise in price when a war is on is not duo to natural law—rather it may be said to be caused by an unnatural law. It may be said that supply and demand is an economic laiv. This was probably in the mind of the dairy farmer who told the City Council's' Milk Committee that prices could not bo fixed, but must be left to tho inscrutable operation of that wonderful "natural law"—supply and demand. This kind of sophistry takes no account of human ingenuity. When milk is scarce and tho price is high, and tho "law" of supply 3iid demand oporates, the city milk vendor discovers a process of making milk by diluting tho condensed artlclo by aqua pura, or plain water. What becomes of tho "law" of supply and demand in that, case? Again it is notorious, that all over this mad world, whore man with all his wonderful inventions is unable to baffle this complex "law" of supply and demand, when fish or fruit is plentiful and tho price (naturally enough) becomes low, the producer rather than sell his product allows it to, rot, by way of proving that there is 'no getting round this stern, inexorable economic law. a * » But surely it is not beyond the wit of man • to arrange that • supply shall bo in proportion to the deuiunil. At one timo there was no demand for. motor-cars, or cameras, or comic operas, or. bilo beuns for bilious bounders, but < the supply having been artificially created, without any interference wit" Nature, the demand also was created, largely by that very artificial product, I printer's ink. Then, again, if the demand for green cheese became as common as is tho demand for white bread, and creamy-looking milk, this could bo' easily supplied by the producer, if tea should run out, a substitute could »jo found in tho leaves of tho ti-tree. Should cocoa become unprocurable, or the supply not equal tho demand, a' substitute could bo found—perfectly harmless—composed of starch, with a little colouring matter added. - Germany is playing ducks and drakes with tho so-called natural law of supply and demand just'now. All over tho. Fatherland there is a loud demand for pure white bread, decent ten, pure milk and huttcr, and wholesome sausage. And all tho Government, aided by ito professors of political economy, can supply in answer to this demand is substitutes—or anti-hunger pills! Thou, again, there is a hugo demand for cannon fodder in Germany, which Naturo refuses to supply by the ordinary' moans in sufficient quantity to koop Ludendorff going, In fact, it may be necessary to find an artificial substitute by iheking down iron crosses or church bells. It would bo as reasonable, to call the rules of the game of poker or Rugby football natural laws as to apply that term to the very artificial and unsatisfactory contingencies that surround tlie supplying of Hie world's

needs in the matter of foodstuffs. There ought to be more demand for commonsense in economics than there is, but notwithstanding the paucity of the demand, an instalment in the way of sui>iply is given herewith, in the hope that the fatheads given to prating parrotwise about things they do not understand will think more and talk less about them in future.