HUMOUR OF THE WAR

New Zealand Times, Volume XL, Issue 8981, 2 March 1915, Page 8

HUMOUR OF THE WAR

The humorist is irrepressible, and no subject, however, serious, is free from his sallies, some good, some , but always apropos. War and death are grim subjects to joke about, but they hare not been loft alone, and of the present Armageddon the comic papers of two worlds have plenty to air their wit on. A few examples follow: AIDS TO PRONUNCIATION. For the information of war-inelined readers, we print the following table of pronunciation bornne- if win pi as helpful and illuminating U the average table of its kind in the American daily press:— .XyrousspueoiUrj, pronounced Yuhs-bkdlisg-ing-hgx-j. Hbcdhkfgeu, pronounced. Lawyuf-ghfs-ing-yyz. Zygfr, pronounced Gsfx-fy. Vitckafdhhkzzyprl, pronounced Vodka. Grkamamatveitch, pronounced Dsan-meo-go-bom bski. Boobmf, 1 pronounced Boobmf.— “Puck.” prayingT for THEKAISER. From this onward (says • a London correspondent) the Kaiser will not receive any adulatory death orations in the British press. Even the smallest of small children execrate his name. They have- listened to • their seniors, and they have quietly numbered him amongst those who are past praying for. One little girl, filled with this idea, received a very hard blow last" week when her mother required her to petition Heaven on behalf of the War Lord. After much pouting expostulation, the little kiddie submissively added to her nightly prayers:—‘And Lord, please fill the Kaiser with Thy Holy Spirit.” The mother bent forward to kiss the child in token of her appreciation, and ijbe little maiden swiftly added, “And then dead him!” AMERICAN APHORISMS. Think of the joy of the chauffeurs; of the war automobiles with no speed * limits to hamper them.—“ Atlanta Journal.” It is a long, long, long way from Warsaw to Posen when you keep travelling back and forth on the road.— “Pittsburg Dispatch.” Perhaps it will now be recognised that, joy-riding in even the best of war machines is a dangerous business.“New York World.” The news that Przemysl has been again surrounded has evoked a chorus of groans from composing-room and proof-room.—“ Sioux City Journal.” That necessity is the mother of invention is attested by the appearance of a mechanical grave-digger as a result of the European War.—"St. Louis Globe Democrat.” Anyway, at the rate things are go» mg in Europe, the United States won’t have to increase its army much to equal those 4f the foreign, Powers.— “Philadelphia'■-Korth American.”

KRUPP’S FANCY GUN. A Canadian paper contains the fol-' lowing particulars about tho much-talked-ofnew Krupp gun:— It appears that Herr von Krupp has -a new gun Up his sleeve that will strike terror into the hearts of the Allies, and .will end the war at the first shot. The gun 27.000,000 tons, and the muzzle is so laiige that the Kaiser drove his limousine down the barrel. A troop of artilleiy went through, and a Zeppelin also flew down the gun from one end to the other. It fires a projectile that weighs 23,000,000 tons. On the projectile is a clock, and it carries a time-table. It will be fired from Berlin at 9 a.m., and will destroy the following cities at the times mentioned:-—Leave Berlin, Germany, 9.00 a.m.; arrive London, England, 9.01 a.m.; Paris, France, 9.02 a.m.; Sydney, Australia, 9.03 a.m.; British South Africa, 9.04 a.m.; Petrograd, Russia, 9.05 a.m.; Antwerp, Belgium, 9.06 a.m.; Ottawa, Canada, 9.07 a.m. The projectile is so highly trained that as it passes Ottawa and destroys the tpwn it picks up the Bank of England 100,000,000 dollars gold reserve, resting there, and flees back to Germany, landing it in the vaults of the Deutche Bankogesselschaft at 9.13 a.m.—A. D. Liarsburg. “TEN LITTLE SAUSAGES.” IVith Sincere Apologies to the Ten Little Nigger Boys. (Sergeant Duncan Tovey, a popular sergeant of the: London Scottish, who lately returned wounded from the front, wrote the . following verses on Christmas Eve during a sleepless night in & clearing hospital on the way down to the base):— ■: Ten Little Sausages' marching all in line: . ■ One. stopped to burn Louvain and then there were nine. Nine Little Sausages, sorry to relate, One was found spying and then there were eight. *- Eight Little Sausages dropping bombs from Heaven: One dropped himself instead and then there were seven. Seven Little Sausages, ,np to lots of tricks; - One was caught in khaki and then there were six. Six Little Sausages, an officer to drive; By mistake he got in front and then there were five. Fire, Little Sausages waging cultured war;, One stopped to kill a child and then there were fourFour Little Sausages marching to Paree; One got there a prisoner and then there were three,. , Three Little Sausages, looking rather blue; One met a Russian Bear ahd then there were two. Two Little Sausages. Father and Son; The boy was ‘Tagged" for burglary and then there was one. One Little Kaiser, left all alone; Won't he have a bill to pay for all that he has done. » .