FOR DULL MOMENTS

New Zealand Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 6089, 22 December 1906, Page 7

FOR DULL MOMENTS

Grandpa—“Tcs. AAill’C; I harp <l;>v popsia, rliomnatism. neuralgia, am. lirahago." Vv'illio— '•Ocsli, giandpop ! Don’! vcu just wish yen wa-s a boy again i Why, you remit! stay out of school nios; all the time.”

“.After years of faithful service,’’ says a Surrey" paper concerning a deccnr-orl inhabitant who had subscribed largely to vaiious charities iu the district, ue has massed away, and we hope that many gentlemen in this town will show themselves bravo and unseilieU enough to follow- his example.”

Father—“So Fritz, I’ve rancimlcd to retire from active life, and turn tlie business over u> ymt.‘” Frits—'"’l say, dad, can’t- yon work a few 3cars longer and then we can retire together.’’

He: “Do yon think it would ho foolish of mo to marry a woman who v, as my intellectual inferior?” She—“l dordt know that it would be foolish, tat h would bo a difficult thing for you to do.”

The little girl had been assiduously instructed ,in the arts and graces of courtesy, and when she fold her mamma how the strange boy at tbs party had kissed her she did it with a demure, reserved air that would have delighted her mother under other circumstances. “And he kissed me,” she said. ' “Kissed you!” “he mamma, exclaimed. “And you, Gladys—what did you do ?,” “Mamma. I didn’t forgot my politeness. 1 said ‘Thank-you.’ ” .

After the uewly-orgnuised hand at Morrison had desisted from practice for a few nights the B flat player found the valves on his cornet had stuck. Ho wrote to the factory asking what kind of grease to uoo on the_ valves. The house answered him, saying that cornet players used only saliva on the valves and never used grease of any kind. The-B flat player then wrote: “Gentlemen, —Please send mo twentyfive cents’ worth of saliva. X can’t get it at the store here. Enclosed find stamps for payment.”

A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter: “Have yez any whale?” "No." “Have yez any shark?” “No.” “Have yez any swordfish?” “No.” “Have yez any jellyfish?” “No.”

“All right,” said ' the Irishman. “Then bring me ham and eggs and a beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish.”

Oscar Hanimerstein was smiling at the extravagant attentions that are lavished by the rich upon their pet clogs. He spoke of the canine operations'for appendicitis, the canine toothcrownings, the canine wardrobes, the have recently amazed New York; and then he said:

“How servants hate these pampered cursl At a house where I was balling one warmish day the fat and pompous butler entered the drawing-room' and said:

“ ‘Did you ring, madam-?’ “ “Yes, Harrison. I wish you to take Fido out walking for two hours.’ “Harrison frowned slightly. ' “ ‘But Fido won’t follow me, madam,’ ho said. “ ‘Then, Harrison, you must follow Fido.’ ”

The old farmer had dined well, as befitting a son of the soil, when in town on n visit, but, to the waiter’s surprise. h» evinced a. tendency to depart without humowing a tip on tho man who had - supplied Ilia wants.. He fussed about the old gentleman, and cast lus “you-aroli't-going-to-forgoi mo” stare on him, but to no purpose. Then ho determined that severe rneasnres would have to he adopted. ‘.‘Berlin ps you are not aware, sir,’’ said ho, “that the waiters here receive no wages. Ahem!” “Then,” said the old farmer, “tho more fules you to work for naethiug. when I wad gi’o ye half-a-crown a. week and your meat tae fricht craws 1”