NOTES AT RANDOM.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXVII, Issue 5372, 3 September 1904, Page 9

NOTES AT RANDOM.

(By “Jlaruspex.”) Hero wo shall tell you a story; li»*ro v/o Bhall make yon a Rone: For the aakc of a moment's joatintf When the snare hour stretches long. You shall take the idft wo offer An a ieyt’that ia meant as a jest: You shall pay us a dole of Jaußhler Ami—there wo shall let it rest. So Lho schoolteachers ol this country >hink thoir salaries aro not high snoiigli, do they? IVhat do they expect? Do they imagine that the young people of New Zealand, v/ho spend the greater part of thoir time in discussing norsc-racing or foothaii, cant to v/aste their precious hours upon education i IV’o pay for brains in Now Zealand )n tin; condition that the brains arc lito-o which are able to toil us what horse is' to win the Melbourne Cup. I'liis is wity wo lead the world, .education wo leave to America and Germany, and the ocher plodding nations, toiling so painfully in our rear. The schoolteachers take themselves too seriously. Let them try some other employment — that of turf commission ' agent or football coach, for instance.

“Hiiriispe*” has lalely hcon reading in-an American paper some doleful Statisvies about divorce. A dissolution of marriago scums to ho more easy to get in the States than a seat in a Wellington car. What interested him most, however. was tlie accumulated reasons given lor tho divorces. These were many and various—from cruelty to neglect of a parrot i from inebriety to excessive snoring. There, is ground for great compassion with the individual whoso liio partner disturbs the watches of the night with sterlnons rumblings in the larynx. Hint tho one man for whom ‘ilarnspox” felt profound sympathy was % person who secured a divorce in consequence of an unprovoked and daslardiv assault hy his wife. His name iras ‘Harry. Hers was Carrie. One day site struck him on tho face with a colander, causing blood to flow. This Iras, of course, uniting. A man, after being struck by a colander full of bob sabbago can retain some of his dignity—can even mako ties soft answer that tnrnoth away wrath. But the coiaudci was a liarrnloss weapon to tho one used next day, when Carrie smote her lord on tho countenance with a lemon custard pio I Conceive the position of a man under such circumstances —his clothing and whiskers bespattered with pio and his eyes plugged up with custard 1 It is worse than awful. IVhat satisfaction does divorce give. Mad that man decapitated ids hlichosomo Cai‘rio with tho knife which ho was struggling to cub the pio with no jury in the universe would have failed to return a rerdiefc of justifiable homicide. An epitaph :

StrtingPT* pause! X ask tlieo tarry X'tiou atandcst now at tlio grave ot Cnrrio. List to tlie story or her mul of Harry, *1 i s a lesson that ma.v be of use when you marry. She hit in tiro eye. With u lemon pie, fho man she hail loved and wed; And ho shed tho life.,. Of his sweet young wife, For that pio was ns heavy ns lend. So nil young girls When you do up your curls, lint go for a walk with Harry, Bomember her fato Before it’s too late, Just think of what happened to Cnrrio. 'Twill save many sighs If you learn to make pies Before going up to the altar; - 1 f they're lemon and custard Don’t mix ’em with mustard, Dr your husband ’ll dio by the halter. “There are thousands of people in the jolony who want to go upon tho land.”— Frequent political commonplace. Why, ■Ksrtuudy there are I I want to go upon tho-land And dig in a kindly soil. With spaile and hoe and horny hand To' bend my hack to toil. I’d shovel turnips into hogs And fall great leafy trees. I’d muster sheep on mountain crags And plough with two gee-gees, I’d milk tho cow at early morn In spite of rain or mud; [trow miles and miles of waving corn And raise the giant spud. I’d tend tho gentle little calf Take honey from tho bee, And then I’d go and cut up chaff For tho horses—not tor me. / Thus as a farmer free Much fame I would quickly attt in. But then—well, you might as well see— It’s only a castlo in Spain. #■* ■ * * Anyone glancing over casual advertisements in daily papers must' bo struck by tho frequency with which they read of dogs that hive been lost and clogs that are found. Ono of tho amazing things of life is to find people who havo lost a dog advertising the fact. Ono would think they would give a donation to charity as a token of thanksgiving. And tho man who found a dog! “Hnruspex.” nover found a dog, nor does ho know anybody who over did. What sort of people find dogs? Where do they find thorn, and how? Judging by tho daily promenade of mongrels through tho streets of Wellington the inference is that there are many losers, hut few finders. Tho number of canine vagrants that ono may soo making bar-rel-to-harreWcanvassos in somo parts of the town is astonishing. But, anyhow, why do people keep dogs and cats at sll? A peffion who could devise means of sweeping Tho dog and cat population into tho nethermost pit would earn tho grateful thanks of his fellows. Tho lounds of feline despair that rend the ■midnight air in this city form a nervewrecking combination of horror beyond expression in language. Gentle cadences like the expiring 'moans of a thrbhtlecl infant, yells, howls and squeaks of Homeric combat waken jleepers with a presentment that Gabriel's trump has sounded over the hack fence. There, is more misery caused by this cat nuisance than by nil other Ills to which man is The only good that cats do is to make people got out of bed at break ot day—in order to avoid being beaten in tho race for tho Milk jug. ’Seat!

Writing from St. Louis to a friend in Wellington a visitor to the great exposition shows that there are elements of humour in the show that wore not dreamed of. He says;—The collection of savage (forgive tho word) race* have hcon brought from every part of the world and established in their own villages, whore they follow their native customs as at homo. As many of these gentlemen have not much clothing, they

have shocked tho feelings of some of’ our own natives. Consequently, at tho present time they are making an attempt to put them into trousers, and aro meeting with great resistance, the ]" o rottes, a wild mountain tribe of xnc Phllinpines, refuse, absolutely to bo clothed, considering it, immodest. They are, therefore, in a state of mutiny. The matter lias advertised tho show to such all extent that it is nor/ difficult to get near I he village, so great is the rush to «>e these savages. A largo proportion of them are women—l mean of the spectators. Tho Jgorottos carry their trousers about in their hands, but will not put them on. They ail wear waistmats. Them is a movement on foot to supply them with frock coats for full dress purposes. The head of tho Anihropological section is. however a fine fellow, and is. I believe, secretly conniving witli tlic.se dreadful savages. In Uio meantime, the matter is providing abundant amusing “copy" for tho comic papers.

In the present triumph of athletic sport over all other mundane pursuits, the followers of loss aggressive pastimes tee cause for alarm and deprecation. Recently a humorist wrote to a southera newspaper that cricket and football teams should bo given a spell from intercolonial touring. The correspondent protested that loss forootnl. games should bo given some consideration, and to that end lie suggested that a team of card players bo sent to Groat initain to uphold New Zealand’s honour. This placing of cards on so high a pedestal will surprise many athletes, but even in circles where the pursuit of the bouncing ball is reckoned all-important thcro have devotees of whist who regarded that pastime as one of great merit It is within the writer s recollection Unit at a long-gone, and memorable dinner of the Melrose football Club a earner protested, apropos of the toastv„,; 0 f “kindred sports,’’ that no one bad called on to reply for tli„ game o. ‘■solo whist!” Possibly tho seemingly wild suggest ion of the southerner will vet come to pass. There would be a scene of excitement in some English county towns when tho Now Zealand Delegation of Delicate Drawpokonsts came to play the local experts, or when ayonb tho Tweed there descended a reprcHcatative team of chiseUacod cribbaco champions prepared to play matches against the local exponents for anything ranging from crowns to cauld kail. The chief difficulty presented by tho proposition is tho matter of picking a team. There would bo of a surety two factions; the play-fair party, and tho play-all-you-knows. The mattci, too would bo complicated by the clams of men who play fair or foul as-ocoasions and opponents seem to demand. Taking it big and large, “Haruspex is inclined to think that the card party for Great Britain is a big idea not likely to hear early fruit.