WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXII, Issue 4824, 29 November 1902, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Auctioneers have a nod way of receiving bids.

What is stronger in death than lifo? An old yellow-legged hen.

’ A girl’s luncheon described in three words- —Gigglo, gabble, gobble.

A man of strong will can make any woman do anything that she wants to do.

Strappes —Five pounds for a bonnet! Madam, it is a crime! Mrs S.—Well, the crime will be on my own head.

Miss Tucker says it is with old bachelors as with old wood. It is hard to got them started, but when they do take llamo they burn prodigiously.

Host—“ Just another wee drop Tore you go.” Guest—“ Na. na, ITI tak nae mair. I’m in a new lodging, and Pm no very well acquainted wi’ the stairs.”

Husband—“ After all, civilisation has its drawbacks. People in the savage State seldom get ill.” Wife (sweetly) —“1 wonder if that’s the reason you are so healthy.”

A young woman applied for relief the other uay with a paper containing the following: “This unfortunate woman is the daughter of an old and childless father, and sho supports several young brothers hy her work.”

“Talking about inventions,” said the business man, “I have a little machine in ray place that would make a millionaire, if I could only keep it going all thotime.” “You don’t say sol What's that?” “A cash register.”

On tho Look-out. —“What’s the matter?” asked tho philosopher. "Oh, dear,” sighed tho lady, “a lot of trouble that I had has just been cleared away, anu now there’s no knowing what’s going to happen next to worry me.”

In That Case.—“ Mrs Muldoon,” said Mrs O’Hara, “is it well yor failin’ the day?” "Yis very well.” “And strhong?” “Yis, quite strong.” Then pVhaps it’s able ye’d ho to bring back tho two wash-tubs yea Borried last Monday-"

It isn’t always best to caJI things by then- right names. A young gentleman called a coach deg a Dalmatian hound, and was informed by his fiance that if ho could not refrain from profanity in her presence they must henceforth be strangers.

Charley Short—“ What do you think of the theory advanced by a scientist t uax soda-water and ice-cream are injurious to tho complexion ?” Dolly Summers —“X think it’s all nonsense. Why married women haven’t any better comp'exious than, girls have.”

Professor (lecturing)—“Oxygen, gentlemen, is essential to all animal existence. There could ho no life without it. Strange to say, it was not discovered until a century ago. when ” Student (interrupting)—“What did they ”o before it was discovered, sir?”

Missing.—A physician receives three dollars from a patient in place of five, drops it, picks it up, and continues to search on the floor. “Have you recovered tho money?” the patient blandly inquiries. “Three dollars,” replied tho physician, “I don’t see tho other two.”

During tho Sunday dinner the family wore discussing tho unusually fine sermon of the morning, when little Freda, aged five, declared that she remembered tho text. Upon being asked to repeat it, she electrified the table by triumphantly quoting, with marked emphasis on the first • word, “Hang all tho law and the prophets.”

Worth Knowing.—“Oh, my friends, there arc some spectacles that a person never forgets,” said an orator recently after giving a rapid description of a terrible. accident ho had witnessed. "I’d like to know where they sell them,” remarked a stout, elderly lady on tho outskirts of the crowd.

“A fascinating . profession, yours.” simpered a popular preacher to a bachelor in large practice, “a very fascinating profession.” “Yours is better,” rereplied the man of law, somewhat gruffly. “Why do you say so?” asked the reverend gentlemen. “Tho opposite party hasn’t got any right of reply.”

An American once said to a Gorman who claimed that he had the real New England sense of humour. "Did you ever hear the joke about the guide in Romo who showed some travellers two skulls of St. Paul, one as a boy and the other as a man?” “No,” said the German, beginning to anticipate a good story. “Tell me at once, mein friend, dat joke.”