WIT AND HUMOUR.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4467, 21 September 1901, Page 5 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Domestic Pets—Matrimonial sulks. Diner—'‘Now thon,*waiter, hurry up. \t orriod Waitin'—"Excuse me, air, but, are you a calf's head or a pork chop ?’ Teacher —“What is a kiss?” Johnny“l can’t exactly toll yer, teacher, but 1 can show yer if yer really wants to know 1" “Don’t trust a man because- he carries a silk umbrella,’' says a cynic, "for ho may have just left au alpaca one in its place.’’ Fred “Do you think a man’s character is shewn in nis hand writing ?’ Kate —“lf it is, some of them must be perfectly dreadful.” The Grey Mare (to partner)—“l am surprised at you nodding at Mrs Blue Roan in that hansom. She has one of last year’s hats on.” Jaggers—“So he married the widow! I thought he had his eye on the daughter.” Waggles—‘‘So he hacf, but the widow had her eye on him.” The Usual Course.—Noted Burglar—- “ Business ain’t what it used to be. There is too much competition.” Friend—- " Well, why doncher form a company?” Had Taken Precautions—Mistress (engaging new servant) —“I hope you know year place.” Bridget—“Oh, yes, mum. I axed your lasht gir-rl all about it.” Gummy—“Do you say ‘oe-ther 1 cX ‘eyether’ ?” Glanders—“ The dictionary says you may say either.” Gummy—“ Doesn’t it permit you to say ‘eye-ther,’ too P” Jagsby (in Police Court) —“Good morning. Judge. How’s your honour this morning?'' Judge—“My honour’s all right—and so will yours bo tor the next thirty days.” Confidence—Bertha—“Grandma, isoofl teef good?” darling; I’ve got none now, unfortunately.” Bertha—“ Then I’ll give oo my nuts to mind till I come hack.”

There was a famous tenor, Whose voice could reach high O; And yet they say that ho was aiot Averse to flatter E. Maud—“ When Tom proposed to you did he get down on his knees?” Clara—- “ N-no.” Maud—“ Why didn’t he?” Clara “Why—er—probably because they were occupied.” Rose—“ Let’s play keeping house.” Maisio—“All right. Pretend you’re a lady and I’m calling on you.” Rose—‘■That’ll be fun. Now sit down and ask j.io how I like my new cook.” “What a saving of time and other things there would be," remarked the Coscrver of Events and Other Things, “if a mail could take his first ocean voyage end his first smoke at the same time.” Wimhloton—“Holloa, old man, have ’you taught your dog any new tricks lately?” Quimbleton —“Yes; I’ve been teaching him to eat out of my hand. He ate a big piece out of it yesterday.” “If we cant’ speak, well of people,” said the gentle young woman, “it is bet. ter not to talk of them at all., "Tes,” answered Miss Cayenne; “that is why the weather is such a prevalent topic of conversation.” Her Father (to yoUng man who had been calling with considerable frequency) —"1 would like to know whether yon are going to marry my daughter?” Young Man—“So would I.- Would yon mind asking her?” Father—“l’m very much afraid that Mil will elope with that young rascal.” Motherr—“l don’t think sc, dear. I reminded her last evening that girls who eloped got no wedding presents, and I feel sure that my words sank deep into her heart.” M!r Cripps—“Can’t you induce the cook to have one of her friends come and take dinner with her to-night?” Mrs Cripps—“The ideal What for?” x.xr Cripps—“l expect to bring, Jones and Smith home with me, and I’d like to have a nice dinner for them.” • She wag not from Chicago. “Do not anger me,” she said. “How am I to know when you are angry?” he asked. “I always stamp my feet,” she said. Ha looked down at her dainty shoes. “Impossible,” he’ said; “there isn!t room for a stamp on either of them.” That fetched her. : “Pa,” said little Georgia, “why • did Diogenes live in a tub?” “Oh,” the old gentleman replied, as he fished a crumbled piece of' drawn work out from under -himself, “I suppose that was the only place he could find where they didn’t hare sofa pillows and these blamed tidies all oyer everything.” Cousin Ethel—‘Did Santa bring you everything you wanted, Freddy?” Freddy (in disappointed tones)—“Naw; ho only brought mo a sled, an’ a bicycle, an’ a goat, an’ a football, an* a gun ah’ a sojer suit, an’ some marbles, an’ a horn, an’ a pair o’ skates, 'an' a'whip, an’ some books, and that’s all!” An old gentleman; in the railway refreshment rooms, waiting for his wife to arrive on the next train, complained to himself—“ Herb I have already drunk six glasses, and (looking at his watch) the train will not be here for one hour to come. This will'compel mo to drink six more glasses. It’s terrible. What an expensive wife Pro got.”

Mr Isaacstein—“Misthcr Goltstein, dit a shentleman com* in herea leedle rile ago xnit his hat smashed und dirty, and pay a new one?’' Mr Gcjtstein—“Veil, raaypo ho might, I dunno.” Mr Isaacstein—“Veil, if be dit, I claim a percentage.” Mr Goltstein—,‘Ty, is dot ?” Mr Isaacsteinr—“Peeause it was min* leodlo Ikey Vat. trowed der panana peel on der aitevalk.” .

; The Inner Circle.-—First Maiden Lady —/‘We hare always been connected with Art in some way, yon know.” Second Lady—“lndeed?” , First Maiden Lady—- “ Yes; my greatgrandfather knew a man who remembered Gainsborough mute well,’’ Second Ditto—“ You-don’t say sol” First Maiden Lady—“l never heard they wer* intimate. - Still, it forms a sort of connection, doesn’t it?”

Lawyer (to timid young woman) — “Have yon ever appeared as witness in a suit before ?’ Young Woman (blush-ing)—“Y-yes, sir, of caurse.” . Lawyer—- “ Please state to the jury just what suit it was.” Young Woman (with more con--isnee) —“It was a nun's veiling, shirred, down the front, ■ and trimmed with a lovely blue with a hat to match." Judge (rapping violently)—“Order in the court I’’ ,