WIT AND HUMOUR.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4330, 13 April 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

SHY-LOCK HOMES, BURGLAR. BY A. C—N D—LE. Shy-lock Homes drew a long breath. "Watkins.'’ ho said, presently. "1 hare just drawn a ioiig breath. You probably didn't notice it.’’ "Ah, but 1 did!” I cried, with prida at being right there with the "outy one.” "What do you deduce?’’ "Hark!'’ he replied, mysteriously, jumping up and crawling to the door on. his hands and face like a hound on the scent. "Hark.’’ •• »•••■ "You aro expecting someone?” I ventured. (Deduction is so easy when you once learn the trick.) He took out a tope measure and measured the bric-a-brac. Then lit his pipe, injected 7 gr. of cocaine, and sat down. There was a strange glint in his eye. “Oh, no,’’ he said,, finally; "no. one.” Then he muttered to himself. "I was right,” ho muttered. “Right.; but .1 will draw ■ snot her, to make sure.’’ Shy-lods Homes drew another Breath, somewhat longer than the first. I was getting harrowed up very fast now, and expected new and startling developments any minute. I knew the man I was with.

“Have you got vour watch on?” ho asked, suddenly. lie was so quick at such things that h© had to .ask it slid (I mile or keep, quiet. “Yes,” .1. replied, - taking-it from my pocket., - : ,u “Hand it here.,” I gave it- to hjm all a-tremble. Something was in the wind. He.glanced at it rapidly. ‘‘Your brother had heart disease,” he said. , I never knew I had ,a brother, but it didn’t-’surprise me. “Row did you know I asked. . "This' watch is dented "On; the inside-;” - ' - -—. ‘ ■ This explained everything. . He put it'in' ; his -petoket, “Is there*"ahytliiug else- of. value here?”' ’.' ’ ■'" " 1 * , ■I sliotverl ’ him'ui ring ;andia; diamond pin I had brought with me from Afghanistan?'' He "gmid-xst ' ithem-iqinientnly through his concave lens'. Then ho put '■ thciftiuiT iit pocket l.withxlheirn'htch. “Is fins' all your own of value?” ,oHr.n':rd;nb:rr ■ ’ Y ; -o'Uiryqrn'ti r beli'eVe you,' Fire! Fire 1” -tolninife'diatiily'j'ihirem'enfbofodYwha.t ho Bad often told me about the instinct of saving what .was ..most valuable in case 'of fire. I made a dash for my bric-a-. brad Ho'took it out of my, hands. “Aha, I thought so. I was right after all. Save yourself! Save yourself!” I ran but into the street. ' Presently, not observing any flamos, I went back again. One of the back windows was open. Shy-look Homes was gone.—" Snapshot.” QUITS. They had • been married' fully three months, and were having .their thirteenth miarrei—thirteen being an un- ■ lucky 'number.- : “You only married me. for : my'money,” he said.... . “I didn’t do anything of tlia kind,” she retorted; “Well, you didn’t marry me because' you.loved me.” ' . j “I know I didn’t.” . • . “In heaven’s namei, then,' what did you . marry-me J-pr?’’. “Just to- fnako that -hateful, Kate Scott yon ’ were > engaged to cry her eyes- -out because she had to give you up to another.” ;. . ' ■ Y “Great'Caesar, woman!” lie'spluttered, “what have yon done? -'Why, X married you just" because Kate Sooit I threw mo over!”

- THE INJUSTICE OF IT! “Small Girl; Mother, do come and speak to Freddie; he’s so haughty; he’s treading on all the ants’in the garden. . Mother : Hew , very, unkind!. ; - Small Girl :. - Xes, that’s what I’vo told him-; but ho won’t let me tread on any!” . _ . : ■ , ARTISTICALLY -. MANAGED. Gallant Man, (aside')—'“At ,last IT have her all to myself. Now’ I can toll her how much I, loro her and ask her to be mine. HoW shall Ido it,l wonder?” Gentle Maid (aside) —“It is -surely coming. , I am si> v nervous and frightened! X know ho is going to he; terribly dramatic. I do hope I shan’t have to help-him up off his .knees, Goodness! why doesn’t he say something? I must break "this horrible silence'.”; (Aloud recklessly)—■ • ; - ; , “Have you ever been abroad?” Gallant Han (smilingly)—“No • I’m saving it for a wedding trip.” ; Gentle MaH (demurely')—“Why j how funny! So am I.” ' ; ... Gallant-Man- (meaningly)—‘Then why -shouldn’t we take it together.” Gentle Maid (innocently)—■“Possibly your wife and my ■ husband : might object to going in such-.a crotvd.” ; Gallant- Man (hnlliantlvi—“The crowd wouldn’t he objectionably .large if your husband and my wife .were.husband and wife.”- ' ’ ■ i - ■ ' ,d■ .(Further .conversation disjointed and ihdistiuct.). - • . J BEING CAREFUL.' j • “Leonidas,” exclaimed Mr Mcekton’s wife’ oh his return from a journey, “I am at ; a loss to understand your conduct when wo parted,- I said goodbye to yon.” '■ ‘ i

“Yes, Henrietta.'’ . . : “Why didn’t you say ‘goodbye’ in response.?” \ ‘ ■■ r T was just about to do so,-Henrietta, but I checked myself. I was afraid you would acouse me of trying to have the last word again:” SMART CHILD. “Charley, dear,” said young Airs Torkins, “have you any doubts remaining about baby' being the smartest child in the world?” “I must •confess, 1 ’ he answered, as he rattled ’his newspaper- rather irritably, “that I »have seen no proofs of any superlative intellectual superiority:” “That simply shows you ,are not observing. Do you remember how you read that long list of Chinese names last night?” “Yes.” -. ■ : .

“Well- baby was trying to talk today, and it-sounded exactly as if he had learned every one of them by heart!”